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What has there never been a pregnant Barbie doll?
Because Ken always came in a different box.
An Aberdeen fan had a heart attack during a romantic moment with a sheep. He was a dyed in the wool supporter.
I hate that funerals are always held at 9am. I’m not a mourning person.
Why don’t boxers have sex before a fight?
They don’t like each other that much
A man asks the librarian do you have any books on euthanasia , go away she said you folk never bring the books back
I took a shortcut through the churchyard on my way to the shops and saw a bloke crouched behind a gravestone.
“Morning!” I shouted cheerily
“No” he replied “ I’m having a shit.”
I went into the library and asked the librarian if they had any self-help books for paranoid schizophrenia
“They’re behind you” she whispered
I went to the library and got a book called "Dealing With Procrastination." I haven't read it yet.
Octopus Bandit drawing a flintlock pistol in each tentacle: Stand and Deliver!
Foppish Cat: Knave, thou art one short.
Constipated maths teacher having no luck with over the counter medicine so ended up worked it out with a pencil
I started a club for men with erectile dysfunction, it was a bit of a flop and nobody came.
After 3 years married I changed calling my wife darling in the morning to Dyson, she'd started to whine and stopped sucking
Did you hear about the cross eyed circumciser?
He got the sack.
...
Constipated maths teacher having no luck with over the counter medicine so ended up worked it out with a pencil
Combining the two,
Did you hear about the cross-eyed match teacher? She couldn't control her pupils.
Two Eskimos sitting in their kayak were getting chilly so they lit a fire in the bottom of the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak & heat it too.
Reminds me.
What's the difference between a wildebeest and a gnu.
You can't paddle a wildebeest
We bought our dogs some glow-in-the-dark dog treats.
You should see their little faeces light up.
Someone just phoned, sneezed and hung up.
This is the fourth time this week and I’m really getting fed up with these cold-calls.
I've got piles and piles of ironing to do.<br />I don't know which is worse.
Why don't fairies ever get pregnant?
Because they only go to goblin parties.
What’s the difference between a gnu and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a gnu.
I'm an old sentimental bald man who still owns a comb.
I just can't part with it..
Central London sperm bank is running short of supplies. They had three donors yesterday, two came on the bus and the other guy missed the tube.
A poor taste one if I may…
I got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen. All I said was ‘hurry up, some of us have homes to go to’
What's worse than two girls running with scissors?
Two girls scissoring with the runs.
The storm blew 25% of my roof of last night
Oof
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A baboom
I have a Chinese osteopath.
He offers crick and correct.
My uncle Ben just died. No more mister rice guy.
What's black and white and invaded Italy?
Atilla the Nun.
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh
What's the difference between herpes and true love?
Herpes is forever.
Anyone else signed up for Dry January? A month is a long time without foreplay.
I've spent my whole life looking for a cure for insomnia......and I won't rest till I've found it.
Teenage daughter of out on a first date to the pictures so mum tucked a packet of pan drops into her pocket and have a good time
Next morning mum says how was the film? It was good and guess what Bobby my date had his hands everywhere and still couldn't find the pan drops
Did you hear about the man who evaporated?
He'll be mist.
WTF is a pan drop?
WTF is a pan drop?
A mint.<br />It's Scottish, dunno why it's called a pan drop, maybe it's deep fried 🤣
Blimey, how much imagination do you need to be lacking to call a sweet a 'pan drop'? Eeugh!