[Closed] Cougar for PM

were you standing for election in dunny-on-the-wold?

I nominate my self as justice minister. Like all the top politicians I have no experience in my brief. There will be one rule so don’t break it. Driving offences will be punished with a rusty guillotine.

😂 I am not and have never been a member of the Adder Party.

I’ll nominate myself for any position. I’m completely incompetent so should be a shoe in for a senior position. I can fall asleep sitting up too which will come in handy.

Who? Never heard of you.
What's your stance on the proliferation of Ebikes on trail centres?

Moderation, moderation, moderation.

🤣

Everything in moderation, including Moderation.

What’s your stance on the proliferation of Ebikes on trail centres?

I am firmly in favour of accessibility support. However I fear a full policy document may have to wait for a separate thread once Project Ikea is concluded (ie, we've assembled a cabinet). And no-one's even put the kettle on yet. Poor show.

Can I be minister for "building a modern parliament on an industrial estate in Runcorn".

And given that even one person nominated couger, I think the mental health crisis should be a priority.

Nominations:

TJ for Sec State for Scotland
WCA for Health Minister
Chewy for the Foreign Office and Immigration.
Tootight for Chancellor
TAFKASTR for the Environment

Can I be minister for “building a modern parliament on an industrial estate in Runcorn”.

Only if you change your name to Eileen Bilton.

And given that even one person nominated couger, I think the mental health crisis should be a priority.

I can't disagree, though demonstrably we also need a Minister Of Spelling.

Nominations:

Mate, I'm trying to improve things.

...

Actually, you might have a point.

Totally misunderstood the thread title - I thought this was to do with Gillian Anderson playing Margaret Thatcher in The Crown.

I am not and have never been a member of the Adder Party

Is that your only campaign slogan?

I'll be minister in charge of biscuits and cake, but my first action will be to ban fig rolls as they have no place in the modern biscuit aisle. They are an abomination to all things biscuity. And by covering both biscuits and cake I've got around the jaffa cake dilemma,so no awkward newsnight interviews there!

Is that your only campaign slogan?

So far. I will of course be soliciting my cabinet for suggestions.

(Because few modern politicians are strangers to a spot of soliciting)

I’ll be minister in charge of biscuits and cake, but my first action will be to ban fig rolls

Hired. Next?

Despite the joke that the majority of people on here work in IT, I’d imagine this forum would have the requisite subject matter expertise in most areas that are currently within the governments remit.

I’d happily take the Senior Minister in the Appreciation of the Stax labels nineteen sixties output and ethos department.

So far. I will of course be soliciting my cabinet for suggestions.

(Because few modern politicians are strangers to a spot of soliciting)

It would take a brave politician to Buck that trend.

Can I volunteer for the Malcolm Tucker role of swearing at junior ministers and aides, please?

I can swear on a level equivalent to thermo-nuclear war.

Driving offences will be punished with a rusty guillotine

I'll do Transport Secretary because I'd like to work closely with @bsims in developing the string of driving offences and punishments.

There would also be substantial fines which would pay for world-leading* cycle infrastructure

*see, I can do Government Speak!

My credentials, I live near you, have some bikes and you can play with my lego. Oh and I have a firm opinion on everything ( ebikes are fine, we trail builders just need to factor them in, electric motor bikes on the other hand.....).

If we have the parliament at your house I can cycle to work but might need to leave early as its all uphill coming home.

Ps what's the expenses policy?

Ps what’s the expenses policy?

To start with I propose all expenses are paid in fig rolls - there could be a surplus to clear once I've banned them from sale. In true government spirit this will also allow the less scrupulous ministers to exploit the black market in fig rolls that I will have created.

Do you really want to though? I mean, it's a lot of work, or at least it should be anyway. The current incumbent has shown what happens when you phone it in.

Do you have a wife that can help you with a lot of the big decisions?

Do you have strong opinions on wallpaper?

I'm qualified* for two key roles. Firstly as Head of Cheese. Secondly as the 'Keeper of the Scorpion Pit'. I shall be a model of integrity and propriety and steadfast in my rejection of  any kind of lobbying or bribing. I shall also - while considering who should be next in the put - wear a badge with "ask me my opinion on caravans"

*Eaten a lot of cheese, hold a long list of individuals, groups and people towing GRP tents that needs an outlet.

you can play with my lego. Oh and I have a firm opinion on everything

You're in, subject to you actually defining a role.

Firstly as Head of Cheese.

I'm allergic to cheese. Perhaps you'd be a good fit as Leader of the Opposition?

I’m allergic to cheese. Perhaps you’d be a good fit as Leader of the Opposition?

Ah. Well in that case you need a trusted advisor to cover your dairy blind spot. What cheeses are the people eating? Which cheeses are correlated with your policies? Is there an appetite for a cheese tax? Or a cheese subsidy? What about cheese tariffs? And that's before we get into the 'down the rabbit hole' area of is Welsh Rarebit just cheese on toast?

Clearly this is important stuff. You don't want your government to be brought down by a confused or uninformed view of cheese. You allergy to cheese is a problem for any prominent politician, but I am here to help you.

And the scorpion pit? We can thrown cheesemakers who insist on ruining entire truckles by adding lime or gooseberry. These people need to be made an example of.

Blessed are the cheesemakers.

How about minister for levelling down, surprised the current lot haven't thought of it, surely easier to flatten the south than build the north up! Seriously though its got to be minister for building stuff (see the Lego reference), I do have quite strong opinions on buildings and transport infrastructure. I love watching secrets of the London Underground, series 2 is on now.

Can I be in charge of prisons?
16 years experience of incompetent management, drinking tea, swearing at people, & non fluffy handcuffs.
I'm not very PC though.

Ernie for education

Me? I'll be lord high everything else

I went to art school so would be happy to put myself forward for ‘Minister with portfolio’ because I think I’ve still got it somewhere.

Thank g*d the big questions will be finally addressed.

We need a committee to look into one of the most pressing issue of our times-
Ticket To Ride or Small World?

I'd like to nominate myself to front a one man task force to eradicate prejudice toward audiophiles. For too long this repressed minority has been subject to scorn and ridicule.
I propose a ban on tone controls and free speaker cable on the NHS.

Do I get to claim my expenses yet?

After the piss-up cabinet meeting finishes.

Tuesday?

Do I get to claim my expenses yet?

I’ll put my hat in the ring as Minister for Pie Reform. Any eatery serving casseroles with a hat will be educated as to the error of thread ways, under pain of imprisonment should they not conform.

Cobblers to cobblers!
Death to crustless scum!

Compulsory gravy stains, in order to demonstrate one's loyalty.
Viva the suet revolution!

The Howard League for Pie Reform! Though I assume you have exemptions that still allow the likes of Shepherds, Cottage and Fish pie to carry the moniker?

Though I assume you have exemptions that still allow the likes of Shepherds, Cottage and Fish pie to carry the moniker?

Of course. I’m not a monster. Any ‘pie’ that doesn’t conform to the rules will be allowed to go through an appeals process, but ultimately, the decision of whether it is granted pie status lies with me, and me alone.

I'm tone deaf and can't rap, Can I be (Lack of) Culture Secretary?

I've also got a ****less child that I could give a non-job to while they actually go galavanting around the world on expenses.

Can I be minister without portfolio because I haven't got one.

Was expecting some pics of Nadine Dories 😉

I’ll be minister in charge of biscuits and cake, but my first action will be to ban fig rolls

Hired. Next?

You're in danger of forming an opposition.

In true government spirit this will also allow the less scrupulous ministers to exploit the black market in fig rolls that I will have created.

Unless this policy has legs.

Any ‘pie’ that doesn’t conform to the rules will be allowed to go through an appeals process, but ultimately, the decision of whether it is granted pie status lies with me, and me alone

Tread carefully, the ashet pie is a protected cultural attribute. An ah'll huv nane o yon pish aboot links beein made o pork.

Can I offer myself as Minister for the Prosecution of Previous Lying/Incompetent Politicians?
You might be concerned this could clog up the legal system but I have a plan to bypass that.........

*Writes squirrelking's name in book*