[Closed] Cold callers - where's the manners?

We keep getting calls for a Mr Fellows. Despite telling them on numerous occasions that they have a wrong number they keep calling.

Now I tell them that I am Mr Fellows, but I'm balls deep in the wife, dog, chap next door etc.. and ask if they'd mind calling back later.

I go into quite graphic detail at times. It usually brings Mrs Z to the phone to see who I'm talking too.

Now that could be fun. Hope they call me when I'm in the office 🙂

Didn't know they did that. I've hung up before they get that far

I had a call from similar - giveaway is they mis-pronounce my surname woefully.

I strung the caller along for a while, recalling eventually that I did have an accident, maybe not outside on the street but in a car, no maybe it was outside.. then remembered I didn't after all.

She got very shirty and accused me of wasting her time. I pointed out that *she* had called me...

Don’t have a landline and then they won’t get chance to call. Works for me!

Rachel

Baiting cold callers is my favourite distraction from work.

Very rarely get them these days.

I did have one of those Indian Support Line scams once. Strung the guy along for ages, before telling him his line had been traced and the police would be along shortly.

10 minutes later, what appears to have been a supervisor calls me up to call me a bastard mother-effer. Which I counted as a win...

My favourite way of dealing with them is to say, in a polite and cheery way, that I'm really sorry but I don't answer questions from cold callers.

Some try and say that they aren't selling anything - which I like to say is great. Some say they aren't cold callers so we exchange words on what a cold caller is and how they are one.

Some just want to clarify information, some want to get me to do a questionnaire. All met with a cheery I'm really sorry but....

I can be disappointed when they hang up immediately as it's amusing to see them keep on trying and I end up feeling happy rather than angry.

I quite like the tracing the call approach ^^ - Might try that next time.

Don’t have a landline and then they won’t get chance to call. Works for me!

This was on my mobile.

Our answerphone used to fill up with nuisance calls, mainly automated. When our landline stopped working several months ago it was a relief not to have to listen to the messages all the time 🙂

Cheers, Rich

Got many different fun responses to cold callers, one of my faves is when they ask how are you today sir I say "I've never felt so bad, in fact if this is someone just asking how I am because they want to sell me something I'm going to go into the bathroom and kill myself". Mostly though I know they are just poor sods with a crap job and don't give them too much grief beyond a message to pass on to their bosses

my amazing tactic - for the automated ones - is to just put the phone on the side and let it play out, thereby costing them 0.0001p.

Then I cunningly forget all about the phone and leave it off the hook for an hour or two, meaning that any genuine callers can't get through either.

It's a cracking ruse.

I like the people who phone up claiming they can clear a virus i have on my pc and then ask for your user credentials. I like to string them along by spelling out my username and password which is of course a message to them and see how long it takes for them to cotton on. Best one yet was username = doyouthinki, password = wasbornyesterday. Spell it out rather than saying it and wait for the penny to drop.

I had one at work a few weeks ago. Strung them along for about 30 minutes before explaining they had called a Police station 😀

I like the people who phone up claiming they can clear a virus i have on my pc and then ask for your user credentials

my current fave way of dealing with the "our records say you've had an accident in the last three years" cold call is...

Me: Sorry I can't remember.

CC: eh, what do you mean.

Me: I had an accident and ever since my memory is very bad.

CC: So you have had an accident?

Me: Did I? When was that?

CC: You just said you did.

ME: Oh yeah, sorry I forgot, I had an accident and my memory isn't so good these days.

CC: When was the accident?

Me: I can't remember, in the last three years I think, what do your records say?

CC: I'm sorry I can't say until your confirm your name and address for data protection...

Long pause....

CC: I need your name and address to proceed.

Me: my mummy said I shouldn't talk to strangers now, I had an accident in the last three years and now my memory isn't very good and I'm not as cleverer as I was.

CC: thats okay your mummy said it was okay.

Me: do you know my mummy? she's nice, she smells like flowers in the morning

CC: so can your confirm your name and address please.

Me: but don't you already have it on your record? I don't remember making a record did I do that before my accident i had in the last three years? Would you like me to sign it?

CC: I'm sorry can you just confirm them for me so I can confirm I'm talking to the right person.

Me: I'm sorry I had an accident in the last three years and I can't remember them..... Oh hang on mummy wrote them down for me incase I get lost.

CC: great so can you read them to me.

Me: I'm sorry I had an accident in the last three years and I can't remember how to read, if you tell me your address I can have my mummy send them to you, can we play my record now, I don't remember making it, is it good, I had an accident in the last three years did I tell you?

CC: **** Off........

This was on my mobile.

Just block the number.

BT call guardian.

Went from many unwanted calls per day to zero. Overnight. I now have no qualms at all about giving out my number as I know the genuine ones will get through.

50 quid well spent.

Caller: "Hello! Canadian Pharmaceuticals here is that PJM1974, please?"

Me: "Oh, I'm so terribly sorry, I'm afraid I died about six months ago, so as a result I can't put you through to me".

Caller: "That's very sad news indeed, please pass on my condolences".

You'd be surprised how often this works.

I try and be polite these days as i doubt the poor sod manning the phones is either making a killing or doing it for the love of the job.

I had the computer virus man phone about 3 weeks ago. It went like this:

CC: Hello, my name is Lester and I am calling from Microsoft technical support services regarding a virus on your computer.

Me: 'sigh' You're not really are you?

CC: No. Goodbye.

His heart really wasn't in it.

I have the perfect solution – the only people that call our landline are cold callers and my mother-in-law.

And as I don't want to speak to either I simply do not pick up the phone 🙂

BT call guardian.

Went from many unwanted calls per day to zero. Overnight. I now have no qualms at all about giving out my number as I know the genuine ones will get through.

50 quid well spent.

+1 for this.
It's quite satisfying to pick up the handset when I come in from work and see how many calls it's blocked.

tell them you were driving a minibus with 8 people in, all injured, the delight in their voice is measurable.

As is the disappointment when they twig it's all BS.

BT call guardian.

50 quid well spent.

Except I reported BT themselves for making nuisance sales calls to OFCOM once. Do they block themselves? 😀

This is a favorite sport between myself and some of my colleagues, loads of different responses and a Jaffa cake to the longest call/most ridiculous answer...

I took me a long time to find the Windows key on my Mac.

If they ask for an IP address, I normally give them 23.76.131.36 and give some made up credentials.
The address maps to cia.gov

Back when ICQ was the messenger du jour, I occasionally got the attention of "hacker" script kiddies. "Tell me your IP address and I'll hack you" lolz!!11eleventyone etc. I used to give them something like 127.49.241.7.

127.0.0.1 is the commonly known loopback address; ie, it's an address which is always associated with your own machine. What's less well known is that (almost) any 127.x.y.z address is a loopback IP. So the "hacker" fires his attacks at his own machine, with hilarious consequences.

Just wanted to say that most of the posts here have made me cry with laughter.
Cheered me up a treat. 😀

The ones that ring me never answer the security questions correctly.

I had the insurance thing the other day... You've been in an accident etc

I strung him along politely for 5 minutes and when he asked what reg the car was I told him it fell off in the accident and I couldn't remember.

On realising he'd been strung along he told me "you don't deserve to be alive"

I thought that was a bit strong.

I was disappointed a few months ago when Sky Protect hung up on me, after I asked the simple question 'How many times do I need to ask you to remove me from your calling list?".

Since then, they made the mistake of sending me a physical letter with a pre-paid envelope. I was polite in my response and thanked them for the pre-paid envelope. Not heard from them since, but it must be about time for them to try again...

My favourite was
"Hello can I speak to mr bigyim?"

"I'm afraid he's passsed away."

"I'm very sorry I'll remove your details from our records"

An actual human being instead of an automated message for once.

"Our records show you were involved in an accident that wasn't your fault...'

'Oh, I ****ing wish it wasn't my fault. The guy I ran over seemed pretty sure it was.'

'Errr... Thanks anyway.'

I love getting cold calls when I'm at home and a bit bored. Kept a "you have a problem with your PC" chap going the other day for over ten minutes. When finally asked to read out the serial number supposedly showing on my screen I got as far as "P I S S underscore O F......" before he realised and hung up.

Told another chap asking who we got our electricity from, that it was Pizza Hut and that with every 12 inch deep pan we got 5,000 free volts. Took him a few minutes to cotton on.

The ones I don't have time to wind up I say to hang on while I turn a pot down, then leave the phone sitting there.

I know there's an argument that they are only doing a job, but they are a complete anti social nuisance.

The nazi's were only doing their job

TPS, untick or tick relevant boxes to say "don't call me", use caller ID and [u]don't answer the phone if you don't recognise the number![/u], and use an answer machine.

I find it crazy the amount of people who say they have to answer the call as it might be important and can't let a phone ring or go to answer. If it's important, they'll leave a message. Same goes for people who just must absolutely answer the phone when driving, and then moan because it's always a cold call. The world doesn't end if you don't answer the phone.

When I get the PC problem callers it's to much of a pain to play them along, so I just tell them they're lying, that I know they're lying, and to **** off.
If I get calls to my mobile that I don't recognise, (I can't use my mobile at all at work), I google the number, check it's a spammer, then block it. I wish it was that easy with the landline.

Years ago I signed us up to the Government scheme online that makes it an offence for a UK company to cold call/ send you letters.

Is it still going? I only ask as it worked a treat for us but I dont think anyone has mentioned it? Virtually never get a cold call and the only junk mail we get is usually local kebab houses/ chinese take aways..... that ignore the "no junk mail or cold callers please" sign on the door.

Now cold callers at the door, thats another thing. Still ringing the bell which means they are looking directly at the sign as the ring it. That annoys me!!

One even saying incredulously "so you really dont want to save money then??" because I didnt want to hear about his electric companies amazing deal....

my old, cantankerous uncle:

"Double glazing?? What? Oh no, no no no. I've heard that double glazing gives you AIDS"

It's the sincerity with which he says it, and then the awkward silence while the salesperson wonders whether they really just heard that.

Phone rings:

Me. Hullo...?

Caller (mid to late 20s, welsh, male): Hello.. It's Nicky from The Compensation Team. I'm calling because we've heard you had an accident....?

Me. WOW! NIcky that is uncanny - and really fast!!

Nicky: Well we are experts in our field Sir.. How did it happen?

Me: Well I was up a ladder, and the phone rang, and on the way down to answer it I fell and broke my arm

Nicky: Well, there we go you see!! That's what we're here for !!!! You can claim about that!!!

Me: Yes...? That's great!! Does it help that it was an unsolicited call from one of those annoying call centres?

Nicky: Definitely - They are liable if they called you and caused the accident

Me: REALLY?! That's a bit steep isn't it...

Nicky: Well that's who we would recommend obtaining settlement from....

Me... Well the caller was a bloke called Nicky from The Compensation Team. He called about 2 minutes ago - I'm lying here with a broken arm and a ladder across my legs *(pained and stressed note in my voice)

Nicky: Oh HA HA... Very funny.

Me: It's not funny for me Nicky - You'd better get an ambulance.

Nicky: I'm going now cos this is boring.

Me: Not sure you're allowed to hang up though are you? You'll have to stay on the line til the ambulance arrives.... I need your details anyway....

(OK, at this point I started laughing and hung up)

I usually string along callers to my work phone by telling them they've reached a secure number at GCHQ, the line is being checked and they are in deep sh*t.
Then I'll try and keep them talking while I convince them that someone is about to smash their (back) doors in.

All to the amusement of the rest of the guys in my team, when they realise what's going on!

Lloyd Bridges quotes (a la Hot Shots) are a favourite in our office when we get these calls. You can hear the confusion when you state you lost your tongue, and it was "replaced with a Basset Hounds"

Last one at the in-laws house I answered as

Caller: Is that Mr (pronounced wrong name)?
Me: No, your called has been forwarded onto the telephone complaints commission. Can I help?
Caller: Stone silence for a long time before having up.

I must admit I used to enjoying getting cold callers to swear at me but does no one else get the multiple calls for the rest of the day if you waste their time / abuse them then?

Used to have a dedicated 0870 work number I used to give out 😀

Mellowed now & just a polite no thanks & put the phone down is good enough.

Some literal lols on this thread