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aleigh - Memberwhy do i ask? just wondered if anyone actually has the willpower!
It's all in the mind. Control your own mind you win otherwise you will be gagging for it.
😆
As long as you understand why the marriage failed, you can move forwards.
Thanks 'Dear Deidre' 😉
Married ! - just get use to knocking one out on your own 😆
[i]Well, that's a pretty young age to have been married and divorced by.[/i]
I'm in that club too CG 😆
[i]Control your own mind you win otherwise you will be gagging for it[/i]
Sex isn't the be all and end all for me - just to have someone there where love, hugs, support, conversation and laughter is reciprocated is far more important.
I think once you get to a certain age range (varies within your social groups behaviour patterns), its very difficult to meet people to date anyhow.
You get to a point where everyone you know is married or in long term permanent relationships so there are no 'spares' in your social group.
When they start having kids, your friends get too busy to socialise, or worse if they are the snobby sort I have sometimes encountered they start commenting sneeringly on you not having any kids (even if you have no option in this).
I have been told very sincerely by people that as I have no children, I cannot possibly understand what it is to really love something - which to me just means they have mostly been shallow selfish people themselves in the past. Its usually said to me in a patronising simplistic way, as if huge love and loss is a concept I have no understanding of.
Because of the kid thing and because many couples don't want single or childless people around as we don't 'fit' with their own lives, it gets harder and harder to meet anyone, or indeed to be 'socially acceptable' at all and you become more and more outcast and meet less and less people and go to less and less social events. So 'celibate' becomes ever more difficult to avoid.
I think you need to find yourself a new circle of friends, midnight. The current ones don't seem to value you for who you are.
Try meeting up with some fellow STWers for some bike riding. Then you'll meet people who do value you for yourself. Make it a social ride with drinks/cake afterwards, preferably at one of the many MTB-friendly pubs out there.
[i]Gizzard Puke - Member
Me and my willy used to get into all sorts of trouble until I discovered that a side affect of anti depressants was zero sex drive......everybodies appy!![/i]
This is a common problem with the SSRIs as serotonin inhibits orgasm (they appear to affect the threshold for ejaculatory and orgasmic responses). Thus leading to either delayed ejaculation (can be a good thing within reason!), inability to ejaculate/orgasm and/or "willy" desentivisation where orgasms just do not feel that pleasurable or intense.
There are other anti-depressants that do not interfere with sexual functioning. The most notable is Mirtazapine. This is very unlikely to result in any sexual dysfunction and may in fact enhance it.
The downside is in many people Mirtazapine results in very significant weight gain (i.e not just a few pounds). So no one would want to f*** you anyway then 😆
Trazadone is another AD that shares some of the properties of Yohimbine (an aphrodisiac) and actually brings orgasm forwards. Trazadone, (I believe) is rarely used as a primary AD these days
I'm surprised Hora hasn't chipped in on this one. He's like a labrador on heat. We often find him humping holes in trees
given what 'my friend' has seen online, there are plenty of elderly non supermodels out there looking for a home. give it a go. there's a square hole out there for every round peg. what have you got to lose?
Because of the kid thing and because many couples don't want single or childless people around as we don't 'fit' with their own lives, it gets harder and harder to meet anyone, or indeed to be 'socially acceptable'
It's not "socially inacceptable", more the case that when you have kids it's easier to meet other parents, as you know they'll understand when your offspring decides to be a brat for the day, your house is a mess, etc. You also end up having to get home earlier, you need to plan ahead and get a babysitter etc.
... you become more and more outcast and meet less and less people and go to less and less social events. So 'celibate' becomes ever more difficult to avoid.
Give them a couple of years and the divorces will start, you'll be back in demand in no time 🙂
"Because of the kid thing and because many couples don't want single or childless people around as we don't 'fit' with their own lives, it gets harder and harder to meet anyone, or indeed to be 'socially acceptable' "It's not "socially inacceptable", more the case that when you have kids it's easier to meet other parents, as you know they'll understand when your offspring decides to be a brat for the day, your house is a mess, etc. You also end up having to get home earlier, you need to plan ahead and get a babysitter etc
People with kids just have less time for socialising outside the family - it's not that they don't WANT to, just that they CAN'T.
Thanks 'Dear Deidre'
Auntie C_G to you!
Midnighthour - I have noticed that more people are choosing not to have families these days, what do you think?
Agree with john, find a new circle of friends. This place is ideal, don't know what area you live in but there seems to be rides all over the country. The very first time I went on my own to an STW ride was terrifying, I turned out to be the only girlie despite having checked that there would be others there!
[i]People with kids just have less time for socialising outside the family - it's not that they don't WANT to, just that they CAN'T.[/i]
Amen to that!
Midnighthour - Just another one to agree with DrJ - as a relatively new parent (18 months), it's been really hard to keep up with friends who don't have kids - once you've got them you just run to such a different schedule (eg you can't go out for a night out at the drop of a hat or around meal times so easily) with problems (eg you can't just drop in on a mate's house and leave your child to run about or they'd trash the place!) that just limit it.
I very much doubt they don't want to keep in touch with you.
My kids are adults and left home years ago. So now it's just me and it's still a novelty living on my own. Bikes in the lounge, tyres on the dining table, rock music played loud, maps spread out on the floor 8)
I have so many bad habits now 🙄
celibate ? it's just something I've learnt to live with. If I get sex three times in a year the gods are working their miracles.
I've done extensive tests of celibacy - including while married - and I can confirm that having sex is better than not having it. A lot.
maps spread out on the floor
what and you spread on top ?? Isn't that taking your obsession just [b]slightly[/b] too far ??
I have an obsessive personality Simon although you doing extensive celibacy testing is pretty extreme!
although you doing extensive celibacy testing is pretty extreme!
it wasn't voluntary on my part 🙁
It's all about the riding!
If you really need a ride that much get it out and go crazy with it.
Works both ways and one will always take your mind of the other.
Sharki, one bike ride in 3 months 😳
celibate ? it's just something I've learnt to live with. If I get sex three times in a year the gods are working their miracles
Surely "Celibacy" is a chosen state and entirely different from "Not getting any" ?
Edit: 😉
I think it's starting to rust a little.
You need to wipe it dry when you've finished 😉
Following on from Aunty C_G's point you have to put the effort in to keep a social network running if you aren't having kids and are happy to be single. As the parents have pointed out their time becomes limited by necessity rather than choice. So as a long term single I find I have to be the one putting myself out there joining different social groups/ activities, as the friends I have that are parents come and go as their responsibilities dictate. I'm now getting to the age where a lot of my close friends that became parents are now getting their social lives back, and I'm re-establishing friendships from years ago. I think life as a lazy single would be fairly bleak, I say yes to most things and just get out there.
Midnighthour _ I agree with you about the friends with children. However some of your friends sound dreadful to me.
I'm not a looker but always got by on my personality (even though I'm naturally shy). Try and focus on your good points, of which you'll have many.
Get out on the bike and as c_g say's meet up with as many STWers as possible. I've ridden with loads of them now, they are mostly men, all of them have been friendly, helpful and had me in fits of laughter.
It does sound like you need a bit of cheering up. Bite the bullet lass and get out and meet up with them.
Edit - Whoops D.P.
Mate of mine once said jokingly he hoisted a flag in the rear garden everytime he had sex with his missus.
TBH if I had it less than multiple times a week I'd focus on my relationship and what was wrong. In a relationship, when the sex dips something underlining is giving you a big warning signal.
Ps. I could only be celibate if I stopped fancing my partner/other women.
I lost my virginity when I was 16. Found it again when I got married.
[i]In a relationship, when the sex dips something underlining is giving you a big warning signal.[/i]
i agree
Mate of mine hasn't made the beast with two backs for over 10 years now - got shafted by the child support agency after a one night stand reached it's natural conclusion & now runs a mile from any temptations....
I was celibate for some time a number of years ago after divorce and unable to get a date. After a couple of years met a lovely woman and we have now been together 16 years. Though I suspect if the relationship comes to a sticky end I will just retire this time....
Midnighthour - Cycling and running clubs are full of men, some single, with few women - you will be fighting them off should you choose to go along. Been on a couple of stw group rides and ladies are a rarity so go along to the next one in your area. And if you can't be good be careful!
Apart from the confusion between sex and relatinship (some poeple are discussinng one, some seem to be disccussing the other) and the bawdy comments this thread makes some good points.
aleigh - Sex isn't the be all and end all for me - just to have someone there where love, hugs, support, conversation and laughter is reciprocated is far more important. - Me too, and respect that is important to me.
midnight - agree in practice but agree with the others that say it's not always or even often that the couples don't want to see you, it's just you are lower down their list than the partner and kids. I know how you feel though. I am the singly left with no other single mates. Currently been single for 6 months following a 2 year relationship. I make every effort to arrange stuff, throw dinner parties, suggest evenings out etc. etc. and rarely get any takers. Actually it is even rare to get a polite, 'Nice idea, thanks for the offer but can't' mostly I just get ignored. That can be very frustrating and depressing. I try my best to not get angry though and just keep trying to find fun things to do to tempt people out.
I've also been trying a dating website for the last 3 months. That is an unpleasant process. I've not given up on it yet, but its not plesant.
Oh and my circle of immediate/nearby friends is small, having moved to London from Bristol a little under 2 years ago. I've made every effort to meet new people, tried to get work colleagues out, posted on here for people to ride with etc etc. it does work, but very, very slowly. I've made 3 new friends in my time in London, all 3 are in relationships and fall into the 'often too busy' category. Theyu ar estill friends though.
In a relationship, when the sex dips something underlining is giving you a big warning signal.
I'm not sure I know any couple who go at it like they did in the first few months, but they are in good relationships. But from my previous posts my experience of this is very limited. I like Wispa's but if all I could eat for the rest of my was Wispa's, I'm not sure my desire for them would stay as intense, but I would still need them 🙂
reading this thread has sort of made me realise i'm not handling being by myself anywhere near as well as i'd hoped...
Reading this makes me realise i'm a whore.
"Fortunately you can make a fleshlight on the cheap using a latex glove wrapped inside a tea towel with the opening folded over the top. A squirt of GT85 and it's surprisingly realistic."
Surely you have to microwave it? 😆
My only issue with the celebacy concept is missing out on the simple joy and confort it brings, esp. if your life is otherwise not that joyful. But yes it can be done.
xherbivorex - first step is to like yourself. Spend time alone really really thinking about your life, what you want from it, your good points, your bad points. You either accept how you are or you refuse to be a victim and move forward. Take control of your situation.
Surround yourself with positive upbeat people and here is as good a place as any. Don't know if you've done any group rides but if you haven't, give them a go and enjoy the buzz and camaraderie.
Believe me, you can be married and still be lonely. Been there, done that, divorce papers coming through this month after two years separation.
The above is what I have been applying to my new life. Yes, it's bloomin' tough sometimes but you have to hang in there.
Another freak of nature here, being close to a decade since I last got jiggy with it. A few years recovering from an untimely end of marriage, and since then finding it both increasingly difficult to rejoin the dating game and increasingly more comfortable being single. To the extent that when I got a no-strings-attached offer not very long ago, I turned it down. I haven't really regretted that decision too much, time and time again, since.
xherbivorex - I'm going to disagree with you. I think you are actually coping really well, however you are being too hard on yourself.
Having see you after a big gap, a few weeks ago, I recognise a big change. Come riding with us whenever you fancy.
Time is a huge healer. In this world of everything happening now, we expect too much.
Surely you have to microwave it?
Some women are cold on the inside as well as the outside....
And i'l apply that to my own gender though not through experience.
BH- i just have a good mask that i wear when out of the house i think!
but seriously, thanks to you both. that slippy slidey lyme park ride last month was great. just what i needed.
Some women are cold on the inside as well as the outside....
but how would you ever find out ? Cold is OK for strangers but not relationships...
Simon get the sex out of way early on before you get emotionally attached to her/him, if not you maybe in for a big surprise when you do get that close....i've a friend that got too close too late and nearly couldn't sit down for a week, if you get my drift..... 😉
[i]Reading this makes me realise i'm a whore. [/i]
😆
I was celibate in my last relationship to the point where i can remember the last time we were 'intimate' - once in 4yrs.
To be honest we hadn't been doing it for the last five years of the relationship and it was sporadic before that!
Now i'm with a lady who really can't get enough and is EXTREMELY inventive 8O!
Extremely inventive at 80?!?
That is experienced, not inventive surely?