Forum menu
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward
http://www.travelin-tigers.com/zlyn/bktoxic.htm#Ex1
""It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them."
""It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly us it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying."
Some quite distressing tales here and so sad that people have had to endure unhappiness.
I would agree with Midnighthour re behaviour of the elderly. Apparently it is fairly common for them to be treated with anti-depressants. In fact, my mother could definitely do with some.
My tolerance levels are not what they were and am unable to forgive some of her recent behaviour. Have come to dread visiting and always come away feeling very low.
Cinnamon, thats how it got for me when I finally managed to leave home (an act that brought on being told what a disappointment I was and that I was no longer thier child). I used to go back but I used to cry before I went or when I came home.
Seeing them was not worth the costs. Its easier and less damaging to be told by other people (who have never met my parents or know nothing of my family) that its "all my fault and I ought to make things up to my parents".
I think you are right about the anti depressents. I have seen articles while researching my parents behaviour that say many elderly people are depressed, but like with pain, many people see it as ok for older people to struggle on but that would be treated medically if they were younger as the same symptoms would be thought of as unacceptable.
My parents did not deteriorate mentally as they got older, they were always that bad. But like many abused people, you just dont realise how bad it makes you feel until the abuse is stopped. If you can, take a determined span of time away from visiting and dont speak or write to them. See how you feel after that. I know its hard to do, but its not just parents who need protecting, its the offspring too.
Its really hard to get info on abusive/toxic/domineering parents as its not acceptable in our society to challeng bad behaviour of parents. The internet has more stuff these days. Some of the stories of how adult kids are bullied are mind blowing.
I have read that if you ultimately refuse to comply you will get one of 2 possible responses
- you will be told you are a bad evil person who is worth nothing, screaming and shouting this is not uncommon.
- you will be cut off and totally ignored until you realise you are wrong and go back to apologise and take up again the submissive role you were put in.
I got one of each type with my parents. 🙁
My sister opted for an early marriage to escape them. She was never forgiven after 15+ years of marriage and my parents had no interest in her kids.
She doesn't listen to what other people say, just wants to talk about herself, talks over people, makes faces and snide comments... A combination of sarcasm, and having a go at her when she goes too "Daily Mail" makes life bearable for 24 hours tops. When we invite her for a couple of nights she always tries to stretch it further. I guess I love her, but I sure as hell don't like her.
Sounds like my girlfriends grandmother, about the same age too, I can't stand her.
midnighthour,spot on.
I emigrated,twice,one for each parent.
You need to pass a test to drive a car,yet anyone can have children.
I remember reading what someone said about evelyn waugh and his wife,evelyn.
the good thing about they being married is that only two people are unhappy,instead of four.
I don't hate them,takes too much energy.
but I sure as hell don't like them.nor do I want to spend any time with them.
my advice is that if you don't enjoy the time you spend with someone,then don't spend time with them.
They wanted children,they had children.the proof of parenting is in the parenting.not the conception.
Had a difficult relationship with my dad, or more to the point no real relationship. In 46 years I never had a proper conversation with him.
Reading some of the posts on here makes me realise things could have been a lot worse and my heart goes out to those of you who had seriously abusive parents - can't imagine what that must be like.
My childhood was happy enough, my parents were "Victorian parents", didn't want us around too much, and only then on their terms. Remember thinking as a fairly young kid that they never seemed to get any joy from us.
My mum was lovely, it was dad who accepted no challenge, beat down any hint of confrontation, and was ready to shout and hit (slap, nothing more serious) at the slightest hint of insurrection.
Definitely left it's mark, though I figure I've done ok in my life so far considering. Just know that with more self confidence and without the fear of confrontation life would have been / will be so much easier.
Plus side is it gave me a template of how not to be a parent. I think I have a great relationship with my two girls, we've been mates since pretty much the day they were born (though with the teenage years fast approaching this may not last...).
Christ, parents.....
Thanks to all those who have come out and posted their experiences... and that includes the "don't understand it... all parents are wonderful..." type posts that came up at the start of this thread...
but more particularly the people whose parents put mine into perspective. So thanks again...