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I'll probably repeat a few but,
Treading on a duck.
Guff.
Parp.
Underwater bugling.
Sawing one off.
Last minute entry for Thread of the Year nominations.
In the car just turn the radio up
I consider my ability to “say hello Dr brown” the only true skill I possess. I did go through a few months a while back where none of my trouser shouts smelt at all. I was really concerned, and the simultaneous development of tremendous violent volume did help to make up for it for a while (although my ass was chapped like Sherpa Tensings cheeks) but without smell are you really a man?
Thankfully I soon recovered and to my delight the volume stayed and the stink returned to a new professional level I’m- smells so bad were coming out of me they were thinking of adding my buttock chuffs illegal under the Geneva Convention.
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I've just been for a walk with youngest_oab, and played the pull my finger game...
I didn't realize loud farts relied on meat eating. I'm vegan and find it impossible to fart quietly. All is silent for most of the day but I seem to unleash hell for about an hour for some reason. Like being on a long haul flight and hitting turbulance.
You missed
Butt Bazooka
Paint Peeler
Green smoke
Stink bomb
Toot
Like being on a long haul flight
In Business Class, no one can hear you fart. Trust me on this! 🙂
Going for a stroll down the back and crop dusting it can be fun, too.
What I like are not so much the euphemisms for farting, but the phrases to be uttered before and/or after.
Denise, do you want to hear something terrible? What? [i]Paarp[/i]
Denise, do you want to hear something really bad? What is it? [i]Paarp[/i]
Denise, do you want to hear something really funny? Go on? [i]Paarp[/i]
Denise, have you heard my new ring tone? No. [i]Paarp[/i]
[i]Paarp[/i] Joe stop that! Certainly Denise, which way did it go?
(Denise is our admin lady and she DOES NOT approve of farting).
[i]Paarp[/i] More tea vicar? No thank you, it makes me fart.
And if you listen...[i]Paarp[/i]...it sounds like a Golf.
A bit more choke and she'd have started.
You've ripped it so you'll have to buy it.
Well struck Sir!
and so on...
A bit more choke and she'd have started.
Tears streaming as I remember a day with a colleague who rattled one into an open canoe and said this...
A few minutes later he was heading into the bushes having discovered he maybe gave it a bit too much choke, and had started.... 😯
Oh how we laughed...
So he flooded his engine?
There was certainly some backfiring...
Crying with laughter.
Farting bracket still amuses me. As I get older, my cars have to have both left and right fitted so I am able to ease springs when mobile.
On family camping trips my son has actually eaten his breakfast outside in the drizzle rather than stay in the tent with me as I recreate a WW1 artillery bombardment.
My wife just let a ripper out but she does read the forum occasionally especially threads like this so if I don’t post over the next week you know what has happened to me...
My 80ish year old father in law let rip in a motorway services toilet so loudly that I heard him at the other end while I was washing my hands and the guy in the cubicle next to him actually groaned - legend!
I followed through on Christmas day a year or so back.
My proudest moment was early last year. The neighbours four year old daughters room is next to our bathroom. In the early hours one day I let loose a fart so loud that it woke her and made her cry.
Stepped on a frog?
A chap I work with, and stuck in the same space as him for 6 hours a day, manages farts that sound like someone holding a pair of marigold gloves and flapping them about.
seadog101A chap I work with, and stuck in the same space as him for 6 hours a day, manages farts that sound like someone holding a pair of marigold gloves and flapping them about.
Butt flappers are great.
Unfortunately also the most likely in the fart family to leave Sanskrit marks in your Y fronts.
The one thing I miss more than anything else from not having a bowel is a damned good fart closely followed (in terms of missing - not necessarily chronologically) by a nice relaxing dump.
Just not the same squeezing it out of a bag...
My wife - lentils, quinoa, dried apricots and plenty of veg has her farting like a racehorse, even the dog knows when to leave the room 😀
Sanskrit marks
Brass rubbings?
After a night out at a real ale festival over 20yrs ago, I stumbled in to the office the following morning with the foulest of guts. Fortunately my team were all out bar the Uncouth Aussie, and we were separate from the rest of the department by a modest partition. The smell grew too bad however, so I took myself out into the London streets and tried to walk the stench off. Relieved and depressurised, I returned to my desk to find the Maintenance Team ripping up floor tiles in a vain search for a rotting rodent carcass. I turned, and walked back outside.
Barking spiders
Sadly I no longer peel off as many as I used to as a result of lansoprazole intake, but Mrs Scape has taken over the farting duties here at Scapegoat Hill. The kids still remind her of the time she was sitting on one of the kitchen chairs, a beech ply affair, connected accoustically to the laminate flooring by its steel frame, and perfectly speakered from there to the ground floor by the stairs and landing as efficiently as any PA monitor. I was downstairs at the other end of the house, and my son was out in the garden with his girlfriend. Daughter was in her bedroom with the door shut, yet all four of us were treated to the results of Mrs Scape's sproutfest.
Summer1992, me and a mate were taking a driving / camping holiday around the south of France. We pitched at a beachside campsite at Ramatuelle and after a day in the sun, had a sesh on "33", rosé and Pernod. I woke quite early with what felt like a 90 bar belly. Tight as a drum it was.
Tentatively I raised my hips and opened my legs. With the slightest of thutches, my arse valve snapped open and the most wonderful baritone keff clattered into the morning air.
A couple of seconds later, our Austrian neighbour bellowed "nine point eight."
My score! I laughed my bloody head off.
I walked in to my 13 year old daughters bedroom after being beckoned with “dad.... just come here a minute”
She then grinned at me and emitted a noise like someone slowly tearing a heavy velvet curtain
I’ve taught her well
My mates Sisters boyfriend had a boil in an awkward place
He persuaded her to take a look
He lay on the bed legs behind his ears
she leaned in to inspect , of course he decided to do the obvious
Let's just say she needed a wash afterwards and such was the force of his effort
The adjacent bedroom wall needed a scrub and a new lick of paint
And NO they are not still together
A cautionary tale. My farts used to sound like a motorbike. I saw a doctor and he diagnosed an abscess up my bum.
It turns out, abscess makes the fart go Honda.
Barking spiders
It's a while since I've heard that one 😆
Years back, I had a work colleague over for home-made fajitas and a real ale session.
We spent the following day deflating. It was rank. People walked past our office, went "jesus what's that smell?" and we blamed it on the Gents' next door whilst continuing to turn the air brown. The perfect crime.
By the middle of the afternoon, Facilities had called out Dynarod to inspect the toilets. Oops.
Snap - that just had me crying with laughter
I recently got some antibiotics to help with adult acne.
Although I've stopped taking them, they have flicked a switch in my botty.
Now I do extremely, long, loud farts which I can control pitch/timbre of quite nicely. Yet they never smell. Aurally, they are quite remarkable.
I recently got some antibiotics to help with adult acne.
Although I've stopped taking them, they have flicked a switch in my botty.
OH MY WORD THATS IT!! I was taking the same thing for the same problem and had the same result!!!
Did you think the increased volume and frequency made up for the loss of smell? I’m still torn on whether it did or not.
There is a satisfaction in parping out a real eye-waterer that I wasn’t getting with the pills.
>properly fart
No I do a half assed version. Maybe I need a Jedi-like lesson or butt skills course?
I can control pitch/timbre of quite nicely
ADSR?
When I was about 17, I was out walking the local streets with some mates.
Suddenly, Lee squatted and said "hang on lads." He whipped a lighter out, put the flame nextto his tracksuit clad bottom and farted. A perfect little flame appeared between his cheeks but then spread as it consumed the synthetic material. His arse was afire! He patted the flame out and then laughed so much that he pissed himself! God knows what passers by were thinking. What a scene.