[Closed] Anyone on here properly fart?

My son let fly a hip ripper of epic proportions earlier. He then stood proudly, beaming from ear to ear at his achievement.

Proud father.

Full on check wipe

Give me some dried apricots and 30 minutes and I’ll make a maggot gag.

Yep, i’m a champion farter. At the right time of course, like when I get my four year old to pull my finger.

I think the question should be....does anyone not properly fart? ( especially when in the house alone!)

Once after a big curry with copious Cobras I had the house to myself the next morning. Good job as not only did I fart extremely loudly for about 6 hours but they truly stank! A very unusual combination for me! 😳

Oh aye, pakora, curry, beer = thunderous bellowing, magic duvet and shart checks. Wife has kicked me out the bed before now.

Me and my mate send our morning farts to each other via whatsapp ....proper rippers

Yep, i’m a champion farter.

Not round here you wouldn't be.

I can do a very passable impression of a thick felt curtain being ripped from top to bottom.

I have also nearly caused fights at two sporting events by farting continually and disgustingly until nearby people in the crowd have threatened me with physical violence.

Also, fathomer of this parish (who is one of my riding group) did one in a youth hostel hallway on an evening on a trip (which I wasn't actually on), that apparently lingered so long and badly that someone else complained about it the next morning.

Me and my mate send our morning farts to each other via whatsapp ....proper rippers

It's what Alexander Graham Bell intended right from the outset.

Oh, and it [u]is[/u] big, it [u]is[/u] clever [u]and[/u] it makes you look tough.

At the minute it involves a level of care and consideration as stomach has been funny since xmas.
Otherwise my favourite is to fart in empty lifts and leave for the next victim

Otherwise my favourite is to fart in empty lifts and leave for the next victim

Wrong on so many levels.

See also- Crop Dusting.

When I was a kid I distinctly remember my dad would get up in the morning, and his ‘dawn chorus’ ablutions would involve pissing like a cart horse while simultaneously passing wind like a huge German anti-tank gun. Proper window rattlers! He must have caused structural damage to the house

I have become my dad 😀

Daniel Goodwin, where ever he is now was champion farter.

In the PE changing rooms, it was so vial, Neil Golightly actually threw up!

I once ate a whole pack of dried apples, which resulted in an almost continuous stream of the most sulphurous emanations.

To quote Greg Davies; I was farting more than I wasn't farting. I don't mind telling you, I've never been happier!

Wrong on so many levels.

Beautiful.

Thread of the week! It's those ones that feel physical, like the air buildup is breaking off in chunks before it exits. They're the most beautiful for me.

My missus is a champion, and for some reason she thinks the loo is sound proofed

May I offer you one of Douglas Adams' finest creations : [url= http://tmoliff.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/berepper-n.html ]Berepper[/url]

I think there may be something wrong with me, all I seem to do these days is a tiny little trumpet on getting out of bed and that's about it. No lovely loud ones, no fantastically smelly ones.
I must be ill...

I produced one this morning in bed. I thought I'd woken in a marshalling yard. Sounded like a Deltic at full revs,sans exhaust.
It actually hurt my bumhole and gave my cheeks a good slapping.

I quite enjoy stepping in a duck at the doorway of the DIs office when he's on a conference call, as he cannot help but get the giggles. Also, and I appreciate this may contravene ECHR, but, when the new guest is a complete bellend, there is something quite satisfying about leaving one in a cell just before you shut the door.

That's what I had in mind thepurist 🙂

My mate's farts were so bad his wife had him admitted to hospital to have a barium enema so they could check if there was anything wrong with his bowels. One was so bad that the driver of the car had to stop on the hard shoulder of the motorway and leave all the doors open to let the air in the car clear 😆 If he was driving the bugger would disable the electric windows so you couldn't escape them! They weren't SBDs either. 😯

I once made a room mate throw up with a wonder guff on a team Christmas do to Spain, when a young surveillance officer it was always the done thing to stick the electric window lock on before gassing the car. Happy days.

Also, and I appreciate this may contravene ECHR, but, when the new guest is a complete bellend, there is something quite satisfying about leaving one in a cell just before you shut the door.

This is an acceptable use of the taxpayer's pennies. Bravo.

If i have to work with certain people i ensure cabbage the night before...I can clear out a patrol car in under 9 seconds 😀

Where were you when I needed you last year...

I have often feared for my own safety so slept with the windows open to ensure I don’t die of methane poisoning

My wife has been known to wait until I nod off on the sofa then just nestle her butt cheeks on my forehead and then let rip, she thinks it's very funny but woe betide if I dare try it!

Maff - my sister and me used to do that to each other at every available opportunity

Anyway.... after a day of suitably fermentable festive food and a few gassy euro-lagers i’ve Just walked upstairs, smuggling ducks

Very rewarding! 😀

I once woke myself up with a fart because it smelt so bad...

Finding your own revolting is the pinnacle of farting.

There has been many a time where I wished I could stop farting as it was actually beyond a joke. I know!

A "pinnacle" is a different beast, but not entirely unrelated.

A pinnacle is a dump of such magnificence that it crests above the paltry waves of the bowl, like a new born volcano rising from the deep.

My angelic, tiny three year old daughter produced one of those this evening, don't know where she puts it!

Evidently inherited her digestive system from my side of the family.

The correct term for a pinnacle is a Kilauea - undersea volcano so big it soars above the surface.

I made a mate of mine vomit out of a car window coming back from my stag do. Two nights and one day of curry and ale left me in peak form. I slipped one out in the back of the car and it had just risen back up out of the footwell as he turned around from the passenger seat to say something. He got a face full and immediately turned away, frantically trying to get the windows down. He then chundered down the side of the car. Happy days.

I did one earlier in the hallway outside the baby's room. It woke her up. Wife = not impressed 😆

Matt, Anak Krakatau, shirley?

I did one earlier in the hallway outside the baby's room. It woke her up. Wife = not impressed

It's funnier when they're older. Now if I let rip on the landing near the kids' bedroom doors I get one of two responses.

Daughter (nine and very polite): "[b]Daddy![/b] what do you say?"

Son (six and a typical boy): "Ha ha ha ha, but you didn't get me to pull your finger first".

A pinnacle is a dump of such magnificence that it crests above the paltry waves of the bowl, like a new born volcano rising from the deep.

Of course if you can break the surface with a single log it's officially a "periscope poo"

This thread seems ideal for those of us avoiding all the NYE malarkey. So, should we compile the definitive list of euphemisms for the fine art of the fart? Why yes, we should!

I'll start;
Fart
Trouser trumpet
Bottom cough
Hip ripper
One cheek sneek (Stealthy, but not a...)
SBD
Air biscuit
Bum burp
Ground frog
Smuggling a duck (Courtesy of Binners, above)
Parp
Quack
Poop
Thunder from down under

More?

Slicing cheese
Trump (predates the great man)

And often said after proudly dropping a berepper (see above) "Get out and walk"