[Closed] Ageing Parents

stick 'em in a caravan 😉

You could always ask your parents what they would like 🙂

what's the 'other option'? switzerland?

absolutely nothing completely his choice until/if we need to make choices for him...

It depends how much money they have/you want to spend on them.
Get their house and will in your name asap as I believe they will be unable to have state funded nursing homes if they have had cash/assets in the last 7 or 8 or maybe even more years.
Building an annexe is an expense but (and please don't take this the wrong way) will add value to your house when they're gone.
The state will pay for a carer if they have no money.
It's wrong that if a parent works their whole like, buys and pays for a house and saves a few quid for the kids they could be charged anything up to £1000 per week. The woman in the next room might have never worked in her whole life and has nothing. Her bed would be free for her.
Get the assets changed into your name asap.

And we're off!

This is a purely hypothetical question by the way.

Agreed 100% with iolo.

so it's all cash then ?

No idea. Mum's near that stage TBH. We moved 200 miles, several years ago, to be nearer my folks when my dad became quite poorly. That was the right thing to do - for him, my mum, and us too.

He died a few years ago and we're in the same / similar situation with my mum now, she's 88 and still at home. Though needing more and more care, attention and general checking on. I guess a care home really might be looming in next - year - or so?

[Get their house and will in your name asap as I believe they will be unable to have state funded nursing homes if they have had cash/assets in the last 7 or 8 or maybe even more years]

Be very careful with this.....the LA's will use the Court to challenge the perceived 7 yr threshold if they perceive that an attempt has been made to dispose of the Capital....

there have been instances where charges have been applied to the assets of folk who have recieved this assets to recoup the Capital

The older my parents get, the further away us siblings seem to move (one sister in Brunei, one in Belgium, and me potentially moving up to Scotland).

Folks live in the New Forest (Hampshire)..

Shurgard self storage.

Hi mate, here are some related learnings, I'm at work, so apologies if you find this a bit terse

- get wills professionally done(understand gifts - £3000, or 7 years)
- discuss death, funerals, resting places etc etc - yes it is hard, but it will sooner or later become impossible
- discuss/get power of attorney (*it's more expensive once there are issues as they don't have the power to give consent if they are regarded as unsuitable - bring on the courts)
-*beware single name accounts, they are frozen on death, (joint accounts default to remaining person), so if one party earns and has all the accounts in their name it can take 6+ months to get access to funds.

- understand where all the 'things' are (account, policies etc etc, strange request, and which accounts stding orders go in and out of)
- go thru - house ins, car ins, leccy, phone etc with them, my parents were old generation and as a paying 'member' of a well known badly run organisation my mum was under the impression they would be treated fairly - house ins (*renewed annully my flowers) was £500 - same company when I phoned £250.......

This is my area of work so have a semi professional opinion on this.

The days of 'sticking them in a care home' should be well past. Care homes are expensive and are now usually used much later in the 'care pathway' than they were before.

There are loads of excellent alternatives for when people need a bit of extra help. Home care, sheltered housing, retirement housing, housing with care, extra care housing.... All a bit of a minefield but in general terms they all include carers supporting people at home, whether that be their own home or a purpose built property like sheltered housing which is better designed for older people. These options all give loads more independence than a traditional care home, which is nice!

Traditionally people struggle on until there is a crisis like a illness, fall, death of partner before moving into a care home. These other options are much better as they work on more of a proactive, planned approach rather than waiting for that crisis.

The obvious caveat is that there is a great deal of variety in different local authority areas. You will also see huge amounts of change in Social Care over the next few years as the population crisis hits and budgets cannot keep pace.

Most of all though, discuss it with your parents.

I will look after my mum to the day she dies, like she looked after me in my 1st 16yrs.

I'd like to this I'll step up and do my bit but who knows what the future will bring. Hopefully still a long way away. My parents have just entered their 60s in recent years and are fit and active. So fingers crossed they'll be self sufficient for along time yet..

I will look after my mum to the day she dies, like she looked after me in my 1st 16yrs.

very noble and (genuinely) good for you. I really respect this aspiration. Just be careful to not judge other people who cannot do that. Personal care is hard, personal care of a relative is many times harder. Often relationships, work, housing, families and life make caring for elderly relatives really hard for people, and this may well be to the detriment of the last few years of your relationship with that person.

ton - Member
I will look after my mum to the day she dies, like she looked after me in my 1st 16yrs.

as in, I will look after her in my home until it proves that I cant. I will then find a suitable place near my home, where hopefully she will be ok until the time of her passing comes.
I never judge people, I am lucky that I am in a situation that I can look after her with the help of my wife and kids.

ton - Member

I will look after my mum to the day she dies, like she looked after me in my 1st 16yrs

I will do the same for both my parents.
But what about when you're at work?
What if they become fraile (and they do very quickly)
What if they fall and break a bone?
God forbid what if they get Alzheimers?
My gran woke up in the night and went looking for her husband in her night dress. He'd been dead forty years. My mother was sleeping in the bedroom next door and never heard a thing.
I'm sure we all love our parents and I will do everything in my capability to make sure their old age will be as good as it can be.
Edit:too slow typing, ton beat me to it

Mine are mid 70s now. Uprooted themselves 18 months ago and moved to our village while they still felt able to do it themselves. They are finding it hard to learn to drive indepedently in a new area, and want to rely on us to take them to places, which causes problems as we are already busy with 2 kids.

Most importantly, power of attorney already drawn up for when it is actually needed. Do this now if you haven't already, my cousins are having a nightmare getting it sorted corny aunt after she had a massive stroke last year

My 89 year old Dad died last autumn, nursed at home til the end by my 93 year old Mum. She still lives in their country cottage on her own with no neighbours, just about manages, but is lonely poor thing. We live about 150 miles away, and my brother lives about 500 miles away, so neither of us get down very often. I'm really really hoping that she just passes away quietly in her sleep on night, and doesn't need lots of nursing come the end.

Not sure. They're in excellent health - far better than I (or they) expected at this stage (77 and 75).
My brother lives in Ireland and doesn't have enough cash or time to come over often. I'm in London and my parents are in Cheshire.

I don't want to move back North - I tried that a few years ago and didn't like it at all.

I think they'd prefer to remain independent for as long as possible so I'll support them in that, and deal with the reality of things as and when it happens. Luckily they've invested well so likely any care they need will be funded from their own savings, which will give us more choices

Mine suggested following a traditional Eskimo way when the time is right.

This is something that's been hour my mind a lot recently. My dad has just turned 80 and lives 350 miles away (a 6 hour drive). He gave us and his wife a major scare last year after his heart valve replacement. the op went fine, but 3 weeks later he collapsed at home and was in ITU for 2 days after 4 units of blood because of an ulcer bleed. they realised that they are too far away from family (stepbrother is up north too) and are talking about moving back up this way, and into a flat for easy maintenance rather than house with massive garden etc.

Having to finally admit they are "elderly" rather than middle aged is hard for all of us, but you need to face reality. At least if they are only over the M62 we can see them every weekend if we need to rather than twice a year.

I'll probably just wait 'til they're not expecting it then jump out and shout 'BOO!'.

Should do the trick.

Yes, I need to pop up and have this chat with them soon as my mum's 84 this year, and dad's 81. It's very hard to catch them at home though as they're out enjoying themselves all the time...

My mum is Birmingham, dad in portugal and partners mum is in france. Watching this thread with interest for ideas!

Have thought about getting them all to pitch in and buy a big house, but can't imagine they'll all agree to that.

As others have said, get power of attorney sorted. A mate didn’t when his mum was first diagnosed with dementia, and things have got very difficult.
My dads in a care home and mum still at home. She’s fit as a butchers dog luckily, but needs support emotionally as there is tremendous guilt on her part.
I live locally which helps, but just phoning regularly and talking has really helped her cope.
Even if you’re the other side of the world, regular contact really makes a difference.

i'm trying to convince my young and energetic in-laws to move up North, so that we can club together, and buy a really nice gaff with a granny annex.

for the next 20 years or so, my wife and I will live in the annex!

I'm luckily able to arrange my life to give low-key support both to parents and in-laws who are all quite independent but getting on and it's nice to be able to help a bit. Dunno about proper care though if/when that is required. Is there an alternative to crossing fingers and hoping that they pop off quickly and painlessly when their time comes? Grandparents with alzheimers was a bit grim (though I was mostly shielded from it, but it's obviously a shit way to go). Parents have been forward-thinking enough to set up powers of attorney, after what they went through with their parents...

I'm dreading this....my folks are in their early 80's thankfully fit and well, but time is ticking away and we don't live in a massive house for granny annexing or live that close to them to simply pop in. It will come down to me and Mrs C to look after them too as my sister is in Oz and my brother can't even remember their birthdays or pick up the phone regularly.
They are pretty organised tho' mum has discussed funerals and where the wills are and such like which is pretty surreal when it's your mum chatting to you like discussing the weather or shopping. Whatever needs doing we will be there for them

Plan now for the future involve your family members talk to them, and when and if they do need to go into care, make any complaints about poor care in writing,you would if youe where staying in a hotel at 700 quid a week, and if they own a property or have sizeable savings expect them to be taken by care home providors, to pay for care, and even if they get an allowance for free care expect to have to pay top up on what the local council pays the care home.

Then there may be the onset of illness, blindness,senile dementia,incontinence,sadness,broken bones and neglect by staff and management.

Welcome to the aged parents story book.

Dad died suddenly 7 years ago when he was 83, mum died in December aged 84. Both were very active right up to the last day (mum was supposed to go on a speed awareness course the next day - made me laugh).

As has been said, don't be shy, get stuck in and find out practical stuff like if they want cremating, where insurance/bank/pension/financial information is. If it's all over the place suggest they get it organised.

Try transferring stuff over to children if there's an estate. Most importantly they need to get the will sorted. Mum was organised but we could only find a certified copy of the will and the solicitor who had the original cannot find it now - this is potentially costing us precious time as the probate office really want the original.

I quickly realised that life sucks - mum and dad were married for 52 years but at the end of it one of them was left alone and the lonliness is terrible.

Luckily me and my sister live within 10 mins and could visit/help out whenever required. Frankly I couldn't have been any further away.

My dad is 89, his 90th birthday is next week. He lives on his own and it is getting harder for him each week to manage with the stairs and shower etc. Luckily my sisters are only a 5 minute drive away, or he would have been in care several years ago, but we can't see him be able to cope more than a few more months.

Stubborn as hell, won't consider a chair lift etc, took my sister years to get him to sign the forms for extra allowances etc, at least in the last couple of weeks he has booked taxis rather than struggling with the bus! I can't imagine having the conversations being suggested above, my dad would just close up.

It is killing me being 200 miles away, half of me wishes I were made redundant, so I could take some time out to spend more time with him, but that doesn't seem an option.

Watching this thread with interest.

I discovered earlier this year that care homes differ a lot. Looked at one that I'd happily live one and one that I wouldn't put anyone into.

Also, some will let you go onto a waiting list and when your name comes to the top of the list they will assess your needs and see if they have a suitable place. If you don't need the place or they can't accommodate you you stay at the top of the list rather than going back to the bottom of it.

Others will put you back to the bottom of the list and you have to start again.

Worth checking out the different options. You can put someone onto a waiting list without telling them (not as harsh as it sounds - sometimes it might be necessary) and the care home will call you and not the potential resident so that you are in charge of the situation.

Good luck to anyone in this situation. It's not going to be easy and we all dread it. Better to get all the info to hand before an emergency arises, though.

That said, there are many grants and benefits available to keep old folk in their own home as long as is practicable, so check those out too.

My Dad died in suddenly 1984 aged 68. He held my daughter once! That is the greatest sorrow that the kids didn't know him. Mum is now 88 and very good for her age. Physically and mentally active. She is really active in her small Devon village, but she is 5 hours away and I'm the only one.

We gave her an iPad a couple of years ago and she really has taken to Facetiming, not only to make it more interactive with the kids, but because her hearing is going and we can see when she has missed something. (and if she is lying to us about her health) It has also meant she plays long distance scrabble etc. The kids (30 and 27) have often suggested that she move here (MK) but the main reason she is so good is that she has such a vigorous social circle. Coming here would limit her. They are good at driving down to see her, and she comes up on the train independently.

She has become noticeably frailer in the last couple of years and we have had a couple of scares with falls and infections. I'm lucky in that I can pop down because of the nature of my work, but its not nice being this far away. The rest of the village are great generally. Wish we could find a regular lawn cutter though.

We're sorted with power of attorney etc, but she has discussed things and is very clear that she doesn't want a messy end. I don't encourage her to talk in this manner she she is strongly vocal about being past her sell by date. Having had a good life she doesn't want to bother with pain and being a burden. She has already signed the living will forms (do not resuscitate forms etc)

I wouldn't be surprised to get a call one day to hear that she has been found on the garden bench in the sunshine with an empty bottle of pills next to her. That may sound odd but its not about depression, but about having had a life worth celebrating and being remembered for that.

I am lucky that she is positive, scared that she will become dependant and will miss her beyond imagination. But generally I think we are as prepared as we could be. And she is the one who has done the preparing. I'm so grateful to her.

I don't think you can say until the time comes - circumstances are different for everyone and may not be what you expect. My parents are in their 70s and separated. My Mum lives an active life, travelling the country with her (younger) man, going to folk festivals and (ahem) morris dancing festivals. My dad, on the other hand is only a year or 2 older, but is frail and bed bound. We tried looking after him, but his mental state made it impossible, so the nursing home is the best place for him. Nowhere else could he get the 24hr care he needs (and the right TV programmes all day and night for him to stare at 🙁 ).
Looking after an aged parent is not like bringing up your own child, that is for certain.

Looking after an aged parent is not like bringing up your own child, that is for certain.

Agreed. My late mother became difficult, demanding, awkward, attention-seeking etc for the last 10 years of her life. Her behaviour became so bad that I walked away ... until a few months later when she was taken into hospital. I held her hand while she died.

My father developed dementia and went into a nursing home. I was relieved that after 2 years he passed away, absolutely broke my heart seeing him like that.

Still not got my head around having no parents and will be losing my last remaining Aunt this year.

There is no right or wrong way. It's bloody hard. 😥

Just want to mention again the importance of getting power of attorney in place sooner rather than later. Excellent piece on the subject on 5Live last week

In the event of a sudden accident/illness rendering them incapable, you don't want to spend 6 months fighting the system to get control of their affairs as well as dealing with the other issues.

Actually applies in all cases, not just aged parents.

So agree with Morecashthandash. Do it all as soon as possible. Do it with your own kids. There will be more than enough to deal with so get it sorted now.

My Mum as even said no head stone. Ashes to be spread over a particular piece of ground. Very clear and actually very reassuring for me.

franksinatra's posts above are among the truest I've read on here.

JulianA - Member

I discovered earlier this year that care homes differ a lot. Looked at one that I'd happily live one and one that I wouldn't put anyone into.

There's a scruffy little place near us that's the best carehome I've ever been in - a genuinely happy and friendly place, decent owners, good management, superb, genuinely caring local staff.
It's a wonderful little place.
The bigger place a mile down the road is okay - the level of care is good and the staff are well trianed, but there's no laughter when you walk in, it doesn't feel warm or welcoming.
I know which I'd like to be in.

Same with companies that provide care at home:
Take your time before choosing, talk to the management, the carers and most importantly, other service users.

They vary massively - ask about training policies, staff turnover, how they did in their last few CQC audits (and check on line!).
Are the staff happy?
Have they been with the company long?
Do they get good support from the management?

And if you do choose a company but do/don't want certain carers looking after your relative, say so, rotas can be changed.
Don't assume things are being done properly - watch and ask questions.
Good carers won't mind and much prefer relatives to get involved.

There are some great companies out there, but there are some shysters who genuinely could not care less about the service users or their staff.

What is going to happen when the generation of people having children later in life become oaps?
At present, generally speaking grandparents are around to help out with young families before getting too old to cope themselves & by then the youngest generation have grown up enough to no longer need much looking after.
As people have kids later in life & if their kids do the same, they are going to be faced with both a young family & aged parents to deal with all at the same time.

As people have kids later in life & if their kids do the same, they are going to be faced with both a young family & aged parents to deal with all at the same time.

my dad is 80, my children are 3 and 1.

somewhat easier here, but sill in that ballpark squeezed generation, my mum's 88, kids 16 (sitting Highers at the mo) and 14 (and still needing / deserving a lot of input). It's manageable as I work from home, am flexible, and stay 1/2 mile from my mum - otherwise would be a different kettle of fish, my brain can be mince some days trying to manage it all.

And power of attorney, so glad had it in place for my dad - he'd set it up before he became too wayward - and my mum, now. So much so that we set them in place for ourselves, we were 'only' 45 at the time !! That and wills, including guidance for the children's care, expression of wish for funeral / death and so on..

ton - Member
I will look after my mum to the day she dies, like she looked after me in my 1st 16yrs.

Unfortunately sometimes it gets to the stage that 24 hour help is needed, and you simply can't do it.

Then it's time for a care home as they gradually slip into oblivion and forget who you are. It's also when it gets very expensive. Expect to pay £30,000 + per year for this. We had to pay for my f-in-l's care and between him becoming incapable and his death, it cost us over £200,000. It also cost me my businesses because we had to come over from Australia to sort all this out, so it's best to be nearby before they oldies lose their marbles.

Not grudged, he was a decent guy, but it does put a bit of a hole in one's pocket.

So now we have to try to make up that deficit in our reserves so when we get to that stage our kids don't have to pay.

And that folks, is why you should vote for a party that properly cares for the week, the infirm, the incapable, and the elderly. Because one day you will be at the receiving or spending end of that equation.

It's also why you should have what my father called Chinese superannuation - 10 sons, so the burden can be shared. 🙂

My mother is nearly 97 now, so I suppose it doesn't get much more aged than that. She still lives at home although my brother, who's four years younger than me and unmarried/no kids/not in a relationship, lives with her.
He works four days a week, he takes Wednesdays off to break up the week a bit for her. She doesn't walk very well without the little trolley type thing that she uses in the house but she cooks, washes, sews (her tapestry work is wonderful) but lately she's been getting a bit down as she has quite painful arthritis in one of her shoulders and there's not really much that can be done for it.

Get her on a good day though and she can talk the hind leg off a donkey - this is usually when my brother isn't around, as I suppose she's told him all that there is to tell.
Compared to my brother, I suppose I was always seen as the rebellious one, the one who caused my parents the most trouble, the one who always ended up getting a hiding even when it really wasn't my fault.

I think even now my Mum looks at me very differently from how she sees my brother, with my lifetime of playing in rock bands, spending a short time inside, riding muddy noisy motorcycles, racing sled dogs, having a parallel life in Greece and twice being married to women more attractive than I deserve. Like a sort of romantic, Byronesque character then (or not).

Every time that I go away I know she thinks that it may be the last time she'll ever see me but I told her that life is fragile for us all, any one of us could leave the house one morning and never come back or go to bed one night and never wake up (like my brother-in-law did four years ago).

We've had our slight differences over the years (I was probably closer to, and a lot more like, my Dad) and it's only in the last few years that I've finally realised just how much my Mum loves me. Funny that, how it can take sixty years.....

My parents have already made it clear that they have fully planned their later care needs! They tend to plan ahead. they have already set themselves up with power of attorney over each other, and I have secondary power of attorney over both of them.

And yes, some people have already mentioned that giving me secondary powers of attorney clearly indicates that they are both already suffering from senility.... 😀

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I wish i still have a mum to take care 🙁

just a few points on carehomes. Just been through this. If a person has assets of more than £23K they have to pay care home fees themselves. In the case they don't have this the local council will pay a standard rate for the fee, but here's the thing...these rates are being reviewed and in our case did not cover the care home fees we wanted my Dad to go into. So we had to 'top up'....very, very expensive.

I did some back of a fag packet numbers and it may of been a good idea to get a live-in carer recruited directly from abroad....

and if the person has a pension from a private providor then this will be included in the money they have and will probably be snatched by the care home providor to top up or pay for care.

About time the Gov't really grasped the nettle rather than prattling about around the edges. Have an insurance, like NI, we all pay throughout our working lives and that covers all later life care needs. In the round it will work out as not all elderly need the extreme level of care. At least we're all safe in the knowledge we can be looked after rather than our families being worried sick about finding the money to pay extortionate fees.

I'd just like to say thanks for this thread. We've made a big decision to move back 'home' as we have a small daughter and all our family is the other side of the world. I really miss my mum and sister and my wife is very close to her family. People think we are mental but actually, reading this, we made the right decision.

At the moment my parents are relatively young (start of the seventies) but I do notice they are getting increasingly slower as I only get to physically see them a few times a year as I don't live in the UK any more. I'm not sure what I am going to do when it gets that far as I am their only child. Luckily the rest of the family (my uncles, aunts, cousins) all live in the same town and are all pretty close knit and supportive of each other but still I don't really want to have to burden them.