ok been trying to sift through this one for a while in my head and not getting very far in how to deal with it. One of my best mates hit me with a bombshell a few weeks ago that up til about 7 months ago he had been having an affair for about 18 months. He is married with a couple of small children, things had not been great at home etc etc, what started out as harmless flirting, led to a bit of banter over lunch, led to the odd cup of tea after work and more in depths chats. She was unhappy in her marriage and then one day it just happened. He said she made him feel wanted and cared for even though he new it was so wrong. She was older and then left her husband after about 6 months into the affair, apparantly this had been on the cards for the last few years.
He said that he realised about 2 months after this that it was not what he wanted but by this stage he was the main emotional support for her and she was having quite a tough time with the ex and life in general and so it kinda of fizzled out in intensity but still carried on for about another 10 months. Thorugh this stage it was just long chats and phone calls to support her. They then both realised it should end and then did so.
He then went on to explain that the last 7 months have felt like he has had the stomach wripped out of him, missing her, wanting to move on but not able to, feeling really shxxty for days and weeks on end. She has got a new fella but they still see each other at work and both have very srong feeling for each other.
He more than fully understood what i thought of the whole situation and that it was a terrible thing to do but i also know that i am the only person who knows about it and he needs some support to cope with the mess he has made. He can't decide whether to tell his wife and risk wrecking her life or taking the easy option as he said and hoping she never finds out.
So having made my views clear any help on how to be a friend and support him as he picks his way through what seem like a whole host of very raw emotions and guilt would be good.
It is your duty to rip the p*** out of him relentlessly from now until your dying day.
Is his wife hot? - if yes you know what to do!
Cowards have affairs, he needs to MTFU and sort out the shit he's caused. 'Fess up, then move on (leave by the sounds of it). He's an immature idiot by the sounds of it.
All IMHO of course.
In my opinion - all you can do is be there for him... From your post you seem to be able to adopt a non- judgemental position despite your feelings, which is positive. Also he seems to be someone of some importance to you as you seem prepared to be there for him. I think you would feel dreadful if you left him to it. Perhaps just continue being a good mate and keep listening and spending time with him.
No concrete advice, but just try and be there a someone for him to talk to. You dont have to agree with what he says, but it'll help him out.
I was in a similar situation recently. A good friend of mine was sleeping with a married man while she was also in a long term relationship. I made it clear that I couldnt agree with what she was doing, but tried not to judge and was there when she needed someone to chat to to help get things sorted in her own head. In the end it all came to a rather messy end with a lot of hurt feelings and broken relationships on both sides, but I imagine it would of been worse had she not had me to talk it through with.
glupton i think this will take place after some time, i was shocked by the state he was in.
cletus yes hot, i was really shocked when he told me partly due to that, no thanks though, married and having seen the mess he was in i'll stick with the one i chose she does it for me.
I thought you were going to end your post with..
'How do I tell him, I have been having an affair with his wife too'
OP I know the 'friend' is you and you feel guilty and confused. My email is markhoracekuk@yahoo.com if you want to talk.
He should go and see a counsellor by himself and hopefully come to an answer. Telling the wife might cause far more grief than not, but he certainly needs to sort his head out.
I would listen to him, then deliver some fairly straight-up home truths about his behaviour. There's no point in any of us surmising what might be best as none of us (apart from you) knows what his situation is like. His wife might be absolutely horrible to him all the time and possibly forcing him into the arms of others. He might be an absolute grade A bastard who just likes a new toy every so often. Who knows...
Anyway, I reckon you might be best telling him not to tell his missus. Why should he assuage his guilt by shitting all over her life?
I've given up drinking becuase my wife is expecting to drop any second, and when she does, I don't wnat to be too drunk to drive her to the hospital.
There's a bottle of 2007 Rioja Reserve on top of the fridge and a bottle of Mount Gay XO on the shelf next to it, my 2 favorite tipples.
I haven't drunk it, becuase I care enough for my family to have enough discipline not to do so, even though I've been massively tempted at times.
Catch my drift?
Dr Peters:
"YOU make your choices. Then YOU live with the consequences. Whatever you do don't beat yourself up over those consequences, thats a waste of energy. Use that energy to manage those consequences (either good or bad) in the best way you can."
[i]I reckon you might be best telling him not to tell his missus. Why should he assuage his guilt by shitting all over her life?[/i]
This.
What would John Terry do?
Oh goody! Back in to the world of everything-is-either-black-or-white, self-righteous, moral-high-horse-riding, indignant posturing
binners - Member
Oh goody! Back in to the world of everything-is-either-black-or-white, self-righteous, moral-high-horse-riding, indignant posturing
Indeed. He's wrong, and needs to live with the consequences of his decision, but DezB is right, don't poison the rest of the family to try to alleviate his guilt.
The End.
I haven't drunk it, becuase I care enough for my family to have enough discipline not to do so, even though I've been massively tempted at times.Catch my drift?
Oh yes, the similarities are just startling!
Well done you for being able to avoid becoming emotionally attached to a bottle of alcohol, you must be so pleased with yourself.
It's his decision, only he can decide.
peterfile - MemberI haven't drunk it, becuase I care enough for my family to have enough discipline not to do so, even though I've been massively tempted at times.
Well done you for being able to avoid becoming emotionally attached to a bottle of alcohol, you must be so pleased with yourself.
It was a euphanism, for brainy people.
like others i cannot see any benefit in telling his wife except to rid him of guilt.
As for the rest be a mate and help him to decide if he wants to stay married or not.
I suspect he's using the bottle of wine as an analogy, but anyway...
binbins has a point - none of us knows why any party is acting in the way he or she is acting.
It was a euphanism, for brainy people.
If that was your attempt at a [i]euphanism[/i], you definitely don't fall into the category you were appealing to.
DezB - Member
I reckon you might be best telling him not to tell his missus. Why should he assuage his guilt by shitting all over her life?This.
This and he's a massive tool.
I've been judgemental so you don't have to.
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He can't decide whether to tell his wife and risk wrecking her life or taking the easy option as he said and hoping she never finds out.
He should be honest, man up and tell her. All our lives, we are faced with decisions, all of which have consequences and it is our responsibility to face up to them like the men we are. It may be devastating for the wife and she may be in need of support, and as true friend you can be there, lend a shoulder to cry on, be supportive, do what you can, then what you want.
unless she isn't hot, in which case tell him to stop whining and just get on with it
euphanism
IT WAS A FRIKIN' ANALOGY EVERYONE!!!!
I think tails is right - Counselling is the first place to start. He needs to find out why he had the affair, IF the reason is that he doesn't want to be with his wife anymore, then he should do something about it, but if not and he still wants to be with her, put it to one side. A confession might ease his conscience but wouldn't help him in the long run, be glad he's had a lucky escape and put more effort into making his relationship with her work.
If he intends to stay with his Mrs and has learnt his lesson, he should not tell her. It will do no good.
It's his decision, only he can decide.
and make potentially the wrong decision?
Men and women who fall into the trap of affairs aren't thinking straight. They enter a world that seems exciting, fantastic, 'us against them' and 'others wouldn't understand us/our situation'/'its not like that'.
Affairs sex can be more explosive, intense and fun than sex with him or her at home. Not because the affair'ees have magically found the most amazing, intune **** in the world- just because its illicit it seems naughty, fun and an emotional roller coaster.
Yes- you can meet the person of your dream and yes your own relationship may be at an end however the flipside is the affair may skewer your view on reality OP. Reality becomes boring and the affair makes you zingy, guilty, alive and ....confused.
peterfile - MemberIt was a euphanism, for brainy people.
If that was your attempt at a euphanism, you definitely don't fall into the category you were appealing to.
Lol, this:
deadlydarcy - Membereuphanism
IT WAS A FRIKIN' ANALOGY EVERYONE!!!!
Sorry, its been long day of reading documents over here *points* and STW over here *points again* at the same time.
IT WAS A FRIKIN' ANALOGY EVERYONE!!!!
Please see my uber witty response AND use of italics 😉
If I ever have an affair, it's going to be with hora. And binbins. Together.
IT WAS A FRIKIN' ANALOGY EVERYONE!!!!
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😉
glupton and cletus spk the most sense 😆
Please see my uber witty response AND use of italics
Yes I read it Mister Superior Pants. 😛
He'll still feel guilty if he tells her, he'll just feel guilty with Tefal stamped on his forehead and a dented frying pan that's useless for cooking bacon...
That means guilt..pain..and no bacon....
Not good. 😥
What was the question again?
peterfile - MemberIT WAS A FRIKIN' ANALOGY EVERYONE!!!!
Please see my uber witty response AND use of italics
Despoite being dim, I got it Peterfile. 😀
I have the strangest....
Biggest problem he'll have, if he doesn't tell his wife, is doing it again.
But yeah, for the sake of his FAMILY he should live with it privately.
peterfile - Member
What was the question again?
The bacon's run out, what to do?
What was the question again?
Should the OP tell his mate to tell his fling's ex-husband that she's now seeing women.
DezB - Member
But yeah, for the sake of his FAMILY he should live with it privately.
+1
The first rule about Affair Club.....
