[Closed] Advice needed - "Being a father"

Given the multitude of possibilities, perhaps a conversation with your ex in regards to her expectations would be instructive. What does being a father mean to you? Also, how didn't you consider the question before you got her pregnant?

This will likely sound rather blunt, and I'm aware that I don't know your ex from Adam, but my gut reaction to reading your post is that she wants you to put your hand in your pocket.

I think the only way you'll find out what's required is by asking your ex. Find out what her expectations are and consider whether you're able to meet them. Everything else is guesswork.

Sorry not much help, but I thought better that than clouding the issue further.

Good luck though, I hope you're able to find a way forward that works for all three of you, unless it's twins in which case all four of you, unless it's triplets in wh...

I may be unduly cynical,but given that the relationship is over,and she's moving away,you might find it involves money.

Three_fish, I did think about that, I thought about how we were going to live together and raise a child together as a family. I did not realise that we were going to fall out and she was going to split up with me.

Si, I can see that and I am well aware of how CSA payments are going to screw me over. She's frequently said that she wants emotional support and not physical support. I solve problems, she doesn't want that. She wants someone that is going to make her feel better emotionally and I can't do that apparently.

I agree with Si here, sadly.

As above, ask her what she actually means. It's a rather vague statement. I'd be looking for access rights if I were you.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

guessing this is the statuatory, up to you if you pay more beyond this, I guess.

*I have no experience what so ever in being a father, but agree, sounds like money.

siwhite - Member

This will likely sound rather blunt, and I'm aware that I don't know your ex from Adam, but my gut reaction to reading your post is that she wants you to put your hand in your pocket.

This ^^^ me first thought.

Money, plenty of money for the next 18 years or perhaps slightly more to sustain specific lifestyle.

Ask yourself honestly - do you want to be a father to a child you'll hardly see?

If so you need to start making access rights arrangements.

Whatever way you'll need to agreed some sort of maintenance plan - ideally legally, not what your ex thinks she needs.

The 'father' bit - no one can help you with this, it will develop.

siwhite may have hit it on the head..

After the birth I'm going to have limited ability to see the baby (she's planning on moving away), so I don't know what to do. I know other people that have split up when they've had kids and what they have done, but I don't know anyone that's been in this position, so I am at a total loss.

Other than financially this is (effectively) up to HER.

Finances aside: I'd suggest you either are or are not... I wouldn't want to make the emotional commitment only to have it pulled if/when she feels like it.

As to "being a father"... I think that depends on individuals and expectations. I found it hard meeting the OH's expectations when mine was a baby but increasingly easy/natural as he got older..

TBH I asked a load of people pretty much the same question.... I'm not a baby person... doesn't mean you don't love them but it's like I love music but stick a cello in my hands and I'm WTF do I do with this...

As he got older I found being a father just came naturally.

Did you discuss her moving away and how that would impact on you and your rights/responsibilities as a father?

A phrase you will no doubt have heard many, many times.

"If you have to ask..."

I'll offer a less cynical (possibly naive) voice: if it is her first baby she's probably terrified and would like your support at prenatal classes, scans etc and maybe some assurance that you'll be there at the birth.

You don't owe [i]her[/i] that obviously, but you are [i]both[/i] having a child and will [i]both[/i] be parents, so you need to be involved from the start, which is now.

It's quite a stressful time in the last few weeks of pregnancy, so some general support might be good (might help both of you find some common ground to build on.)

Keep in touch and find out how she is and what she needs
Things to buy for the newborn
Birthing partner conversation??
Antenatal classes

You are about to be parents, just because your relationship has gone tits up doesn't mean you can't make the most of something new.

EDIT: the grahams have beaten me to it :0)

Graham, I asked her about being there for the birth last night she said that it is going to be a stressful time for her and she does not want me in the room with her, nor does she want me to cut the cord. She does not think that I will be able to provide her with the support that she needs at that time. Her mum will do apparently.

I do go with her to scans (two so far), but being involved now is difficult given our relationship. When she moves away it will be more so. five hours each way will make visits a trek.

I've checked and I have zero legal rights until the baby is born.

My first thought was "money" and I can see I am not alone in this thinking. From what you have written, she is making it very difficult for you to do anything else other than put your hand in your pocket. Sorry.

This will likely sound rather blunt, and I'm aware that I don't know your ex from Adam, but my gut reaction to reading your post is that she wants you to put your hand in your pocket.

Well thats the cynical way of looking at it. The positive way is to say that she wants you to be actively involved in bringing the nipper up right from day one. This can only be a good thing. For everyone involved

I know from experience, even when you're separated, bringing kids up is a damn site easier when both parents have a good, none-confrontational relationship. That way the kids have not one, but two happy homes, and grow up in an emotionally stable environment where they know they're loved, and feel secure.

And at the end of the day, that's all that matters

Good luck, and enjoy the ride. Its terrifying, testing, but also the absolutely best thing in the world. 😀

Edit: Just read the distance involved, journey wise. If it were me I'd be doing everything in my power to talk her out of doing that! For everyones benefit

That's a bit of an odd statement that she doesn't want you cutting the cord, I left that one to the nurse/doctor!

Need to ask her what she means but also ask yourself what you want, and have a discussion with her about that.

And then diarise your discussions

Well thats the cynical way of looking at it. The positive way is to say that she wants you to be actively involved in bringing the nipper up right from day one.

I'd say that not being present at the birth isn't really that surprising. And as someone on here once described it: "like watching your favourite pub burn down", but I don't suppose this applies in this case? 😉

I know from experience, even when you're separated, bringing kids up is a damn site easier when both parents have a good, none-confrontational relationship. That way the kids have not one, but two happy homes, and grow up in an emotionally stable environment where they know they're loved, and feel secure.

This is very true and hopefully the environment my daughter will continue to grow up in. However her mum and I live 5 minutes apart, not 5 hours.

She expects you to pay for everything. I'd wait and get a paternity test when the sprog's put in an appearance. Unless you can get them done prior to it popping out. Been a long while since I've been in your position.

Do you think this move 5 hours away will be permanent? Seriously, how is that going to work out as regards you spending time with baby once it's born? You need to discuss this before baby is born.

Also bear in mind that pregnancy messes up hormones and after the birth they may still be messed up for a while. So of course she may not be her normal self.

She expects you to pay for everything. I'd wait and get a paternity test when the sprog's put in an appearance. Unless you can get them done prior to it popping out. Been a long while since I've been in your position.

Dear God.

C_G, yes, it will be permanent. She comes from that neck of the woods and her family is there and she wants to move back to them. I totally understand that and she said it was something she felt guilty about.

she does not want me in the room with her

She might be saying that in the hope you'd come back and insist on being there for the birth and all the classes/scans etc.

"being a father" could easily just be a hormone fueled bit of verbal nonsense she's already forgotten. I wouldn't be putting it down to a cunning demand for cash just yet.

Is her mum fairly sane? Could you talk direct to her to find out what her daughter really wants?

No, I think she's serious. Last night when we were trying to talk about this she told me that my presence was making her anxious and she did not want the same thing happening during the birth. It's also very intimate time and we're no longer intimate, so no being there. I can understand that last part.

I get the feeling I can insist all I like, but I'll get escorted out of any room I go into or told to leave.

The pre-natal stuff I think is a possibility. I already have been to the scans we have had so far and hope to go to the other ones.

She sounds like a cow.

Sorry, but she does.

She sounds like a cow.

Sorry, but she does.

She's well bloody pregnant, how exactly should one behave when having the life sucked out of you by a parasite after your relationship has just broken down.

I'm not saying that she's being exactly helpful but give the girl a break.

Oh, do the calculator on the CMS website, get used to paying it, there's fk all you can do about it. I'd probably start putting the money aside now. If you're currently living hand to mouth you don't want to end up on collect and pay where there's a nice 20% premium to pay as admin fees.

How long were you with her before splitting up? Don't see from what little information has been given here why the woman is getting stick.

If you want to be a father then be one. Nothing to stop her moving away back to the support of her family and friends. Nothing to stop you moving a bit closer either.

Willard ... my OH didn't want me present at the birth.. flew her mother over

When it came to it she completely did a 180... didn't want her mother and wanted me there. (and we were not intimate for 9 months at this time and I was sleeping on the sofa)

Have you looked into NCT classes ?

I don't know how that would work 5 hours apart.... but they are actually surprisingly good (or ours were and I hear a lot of similar)

Overall you have to find out what she wants from you...
She wants you to act like a father but is moving 5 hours away?

Moving 5 hours away (for whatever the reasons are) is obviously more important to her.

This is very true and hopefully the environment my daughter will continue to grow up in. However her mum and I live 5 minutes apart, not 5 hours.

Should also mention if you do want to "be a father" you should make sure you are present for the birth cert and your name is on it.

Wow, without even knowing her and the issues she is a cow. All she asked was that the guy start being a father. Just wow.

Anyhow, you say there is no chance for you to be getting back together and that she possibly plans to move away etc etc etc. All she has asked is that you start being a father. Maybe, just maybe its a last ditch attempt to get you to do something worthwhile other than the obvious. Maybe she is offering you the chance to get involved and prove yourself.

Been through it twice and from the memories ingrained in my soul I remember having to do quite a bit between 15wks and the birth. Things get a little more difficult for the mother. Shopping, driving, housework, even just general life becomes a little harder. Yep, she may want some money off you but that's a part of you she is carrying in there and its 1000 x more important than your bike/car/house/holidays etc so worth considering.

Have you asked her if she needs any help with things. Even simple things. It may just turn her from the seething animal who hates your guts to a reasonable human being who considers you feelings when making decisions about your kid.

You've talked a lot about what she wants - and I agree with those saying you need a proper conversation with her.

I haven't seen anything about what you want from this - it's your baby too. What would you like to see? What relationship do you want with your child in 10 years?

If you make her anxious now I can't see you playing a big part in her plans for the little dude.
Frankly she sounds a little nuts... Why would your presence be making her anxious?

You mean apart from having to find another house, job, career five hours away? I get your point, but I can see that screwing me over a bit.

We got together in about September last year after knowing each other for about four months before that.

Its certainly not a great situation and its difficult to see how you can become the part of the Child's life as if she meets someone else, it will become very difficult for you.

Really, its down to you....whether you want to fight for the access and go through all that involves or let her go and pay what you owe from afar and pick up whatever crumbs you are thrown in the years ahead.

Obviously, you don't know your own mind yet, as you haven't met the child. When that happens, expect a complete rush of emotions that could dramatically change how you think.

I think you have to agree to her request that you're not present at the birth. Not easy but neither is anxiety.

Did she ask you what your thoughts were on her moving so far away? Yes, she wants the support of her family but this isn't about them. It's not a given that she'll settle back into the family fold in any case.

Does she want to go the legal route with regard to access and child maintenance?

A sad situation that will require plenty of dialogue to work out what's best for the baby. I wish you well.

Thanks C_G.

I think the moving back is a given and she has said it is something she feels guilty about. I told her at the time that she should do the best thing for her and the baby, so I guess I have nothing really to complain about in that regard. I don't think there was anything I could have said that would have changed her mind anyway.

Why do I make her anxious? I don't know for sure, but I know she doesn't like arguments and we've had several of those. She has a way of thinking about things and mentally protecting herself and I don't fit well with that.

So she's moving away after the birth? Does she expect you to do practical stuff to support her before she leaves? That sounds reasonable. Also reasonable to ask for money; babies are expensive and only get more so as they get older. You should be contributing fairly to that, CSA calculator seems fair to me.

5 Hours might seem a long time now but let's say after toddler age you get 1 weekend in 2? Some holidays etc. Still enough time to build and nurture a relationship with your child. Obviously she is moving to get family support which is critical with younger children. Doesn't mean it's for good and as suggested maybe longer term you could move closer.

I would say work hard to keep civil with your ex, being flexible is better for all 3 of you. The fact that she feels guilty about moving is a good sign that she wants your involvement, but need for family support trumps that currently. Good luck, hope things work out.

I already have been to the scans we have had so far and hope to go to the other ones.

What other scans? All being well you only have 12 and 20 week scans and then that's your lot....unless you pay for extra 3D/4D ones or have complications.

Cynic in me says "Pat" test before you get financially crippled.

Could be just female hormone pregnancy roller coaster so maybe worth waiting it out to see if the relationship is salvageable if you want it.

sharkbait - Member
Why would your presence be making her anxious?

Sounds like she's wants money from what's said in the OP. Which is tbh, quite right. She's entitled to it. Beyond that I don't really see how anyone can take sides.

Going from the OPs comments, only conclusion I think people can come to is that there needs to be some serious reconciliation going on. How that happens only the OP and his ex can know. But it doesn't sound the ideal environment for bringing up a kid, that really should be the only focus here, what's best for the wee yin.

The pat testing patter seems a bit off, Op hasn't even indicated that's an issue.

I reckon she's after money. I'd be getting a pat test too in your position.

If she objects, ask yourself "why?"

Check your rights too, she can't just up and leave with your kid, you have rights too.

Being a Father:

Example 1:

Father drives to see Child once a month, has looks after Child for the weekend.
Mother brings child to father once a month, leaving Child with him for the weekend.
Father has child for a week at a time 3 times a year including Christmas
Skype contact once or twice a week.
Father in charge of buying child's bikes.

Example 2:
Father sends a shit load of money.
Father sends birthday & Christmas cards and presents
Father is grudgingly allowed supervised access twice a year.

Show Mother both examples and ask which most closely fits her expectations.

Jeez there's some real Neanderthals on here. Why are so many of you nasty? 😯

If she is giving birth before moving away then there's no reason why you can't be at the hospital, just not in the room as baby arrives. Reassure her that you'll stay outside until she's happy for you to go in to meet the new arrival.

I completely understand why she wants to move close to her family. We live close to my wife's parents and they are a massive support to her (we have a six month old). However, I think you need to think about how you'll feel being 5hrs away. Remember when traveling with a baby a 5hr drive can easily become 8-9 (I've just done one today, should have been 4hrs, took 7 1/2 with multiple nappy/feed stops and general faffing, plus babies should be taken out of car seat for a while every 2 hrs). Personally I would really struggle not seeing my child regularly, Clearly this will be difficult, but if you can move closer I would think about it.

Oh, do the calculator on the CMS website, get used to paying it, there's fk all you can do about it

one way ticket to Canada and go and live in the woods?

Why are so many of you nasty?

i'm incredibly fortunate with my lady, but have friends and family that have either been royally screwed over by a vindictive woman or indeed are that vindictive, unreasonable woman (cousin Erica!). i guess for some STWers it is the same. kinda makes them a bit cynical (as am i).

Jeez there's some real Neanderthals on here. Why are so many of you nasty?

If she is giving birth before moving away then there's no reason why you can't be at the hospital, just not in the room as baby arrives. Reassure her that you'll stay outside until she's happy for you to go in to meet the new arrival.

If the lady in this scenario posted her version on Mumsnet, I think we would see a similar level of 'nastiness' directed at the OP. Simply, while a certain number of folks are prepared to withhold judgement while not knowing all the facts, a large proportion of men will empathise with the guy in this scenario, while a large proportion of ladies, like you, will empathise with the mum to be.

while a large proportion of ladies, like you, will empathise with the mum to be.

I'm not, unless you mean for the actual birth?

I've just erased a very long and intimate post about the birth of junior. It wouldn't have helped you because you need to do what best for you and your ex, especially your ex, in your set of circumstances.

Whatever the circimstances it's a very big event in her life and as the years go by will probably become and increasingly important part of your life. No grudges, do what's best for now and the future for all three of you.

Sounds like she wants you to be the father and not the partner. What can the father provide for the child right now? Stuff I guess.

I hope she gives you the opportunity to be the father you want to be. Good luck and hang in there for Jnr.

and as the years go by will probably become and increasingly important part of your life

I'd guess the opposite. You are already being teased out of the process and that will only get worse when she moves away. Then she'll take up with someone else and it'll get even worse.

Congrats; you were a sperm donor, now you're a cash machine.

The lack of compromise being shown to you as the father is staggering. It's hard to see a middle ground with such an unbending attitude.

It's a horrible situation. I dread to think how it got to that stage.

Not a great situation but you need to accept it and try to work towards the best outcome for all of you plus others that have an interest such as your parents (if still around).

My advice would be to offer at least the financial assistance that you have to under CSA guidelines and also pay for some of the multitude of things a newborn will require.

After she moves maybe make a monthly trip to see the baby and take your mum/aunt/sister (someone who has childcare experience) so that your ex is confident the nipper will have good care whilst with you (AirBnB is your friend for a cheap overnight stay).

When you have the kid always be contactable by her and return it at the agreed time.

Do not let the new kid totally define you and get on with your life but be sensitive about any new partner(s) in your life - your ex may be five hours away but she will probably monitor you on social media and may react badly if she sees you being too happy too soon.

Also make sure that both of you are completely clear on the status of your relationship - i.e. no chance of a reconciliation.

Good luck - fatherhood has been the best thing in my life - I hope that you enjoy it too 🙂

Jeez there's some real Neanderthals on here. Why are so many of you nasty?

If she is giving birth before moving away then there's no reason why you can't be at the hospital, just not in the room as baby arrives. Reassure her that you'll stay outside until she's happy for you to go in to meet the new arrival.

As long as she's getting what she wants, eh. The OP gets to pick up the bill and dance to her tune. I think he's been used as a sperm donor. Now she's got what she wants he can **** off and pay for her baby.

 

your ex may be five hours away but she will probably monitor you on social media and may react badly if she sees you being too happy too soon.

Good grief.

Some lemons one here tonight.
She is pregnant all kind of crazy going on inside her. Just ask her what she wants from you 12 months later.
If it's cash stump up however it's your child too how much do want to be involved .

Good luck

being a father means putting your progeny front and center in your life. don't matter if you and the mother don't get on, it's about the little pink monkey creature now.

at least you can now get a house dedicated solely to bikes and set up a plumbed in, stainless steel tanked microbrewery.

You're ****ed anyway so be the good guy. The bairn might appreciate that in time.

Join the Foreign Legion and change your name whilst you still have time.

As a father of two (9 and 11 yo), the phrase 'start being a father' is unhelpful at this stage (I'm still learning what it means). However, being a sounding board or supportive other half is well within your capabilities. It took me a long time (and a tough period of PND for my Wife) for us to realise that the hormonal changes the mother goes through are really quite significant.
The other practical aspects of your situation I don't think can be ameliorated by anyone but you but stick with it; parenthood is incredibly demanding but you get out exactly what you put in (my 9 yo son has just played Smoke On The Water on his guitar for the first time and I nearly cried).

I think Big John puts it well for life beyond the birth.

Jnr's dad (so to me he should really be Step Jnr!) isn't father 1 in that example, but he's not father 2 either. He's never contributed financially to Jnr's upbringing and the OH has never asked him to. But he's also not really contributed to Jnr's upbringing from an emotional and social aspect either. We all get on fine, he does see him but only every few months. We live a couple of hours a part but we meet part way when Jnr is going for the weekend to make it easier for everyone.

From this experience I would say being a father to your child should be about being there for them as much as you can. As little and as often as they like when they are growing up (and given skype and the like exists it's really easy to keep in contact, better than just a phone call). When you move on in life, maybe get a new partner, wife, kids etc... then be fair to the other one you have, involve them and include them as much as they want. Make sure that you try to keep all things equal as much as possible - it's things like this that have really messed with Jnr.

He's never contributed financially to Jnr's upbringing and the OH has never asked him to. But he's also not really contributed to Jnr's upbringing from an emotional and social aspect either.

I assume that OH has never asked him to. I would further assume that OH has not asked him 'to be a father' and then scarpered to live many hours away.

The OP and his Ex are going to be inextricably linked for the rest of their lives. Making that as hard as possible for him is a pretty low trick.

Again, with the caveat that only one side of the tale is posting here. I'm sure it's a lot more nuanced than that.

You're right, my OH didn't ask him. She just assumed that he would kind of take on that responsibility. Things were slightly different to the OPs position too though, my OH and Jnr's dad were together until he was 3. She also didn't relocate until a couple of years after they split up.

I've tried to do my part, but I think to Jnr he kind of resents his dad's new life and partner and whilst he visits (reluctantly nowadays) he never really feels that he's particularly welcome and he blames his dad for that.

I was just trying to give examples for the OP to consider... which would obviously be much further down the line.

your ex may be five hours away but she will probably monitor you on social media and may react badly if she sees you being too happy too soon.

Good grief.

CG this pearl of wisdom was based upon actual happenings in a very similar situation to the OP's.

A friend of my wife had a boyfriend who was the father of a girl which was the result of a brief fling that the guy had. Similar physical separation too (Manchester and Glasgow).

The guy did his best to be a supportive father, paid more than the CSA rate, saw the kid regularly despite the hoops he was made to jump through. When he got together with my wife's friend the child's mother saw this on Facebook and stopped him seeing the kid for three months and only agreed to restore access when assured that the wife's friend would not be there whilst the father had access.

A pretty crappy situation but he had to suck it up if he wanted to see his kid without taking the nuclear court option.

Any reasonable person would not act this way but single mothers with limited adult contact and lots of time on their hands have been know to make odd decisions. If the OP wants to avoid possible grief of this type I think my advice is good.

Jeez there's some real Neanderthals on here. Why are so many of you nasty?

I suppose its because she's planning on taking the guys child and moving 5 hours drive away.

Its just too far away to be a real "father" as she is asking. Therefore the request makes no sense.

I would imagine that is why alot of guys are becoming very cynical.

I suppose its because she's planning on taking the guys child and moving 5 hours drive away.

She's about to give birth for the first time, and will be raising a new baby as a single parent. Moving closer to her family seems like a very sensible thing to do.

Here's my take. She has made a vague request, you are interested, but you clearly are not getting along. So, I would recommend using a family mediation service, or another trusted third party to help you understand both your expectations and responsibilities. Once you have done this, get it all down on paper and signed by both parents. You could agree to review the agreement annually.
Best of luck.

She's about to give birth for the first time, and will be raising a new baby as a single parent. Moving closer to her family seems like a very sensible thing to do.

This. The 'start being a father' comment could mean a variety of things, depending on the context of the conversation. It's quite usual to feel a bit spiky and defensive when your life is getting upended by a surprise pregnancy.

I don't think the OP has enough information yet to work out what his future role will be in all this. Could be financial, could be more, and I don't think the moving away thing tells you much about her attitude.

She's about to give birth for the first time, and will be raising a new baby as a single parent. Moving closer to her family seems like a very sensible thing to do.

So, it's a democracy when it comes to footing the bills and a dictatorship when it comes to anything else.

Time he put his balls to more use that impreganation.

So, it's a democracy when it comes to footing the bills and a dictatorship when it comes to anything else.

He got her pregnant, they split up, she's trying to get the best support for the baby. Shall we book you in for an empathy transplant?

Hoemones during pregnancy and for probably a year after will mean she will seem at least a little unbalanced. It's natural.

She is dead right, grandparents support makes life much easier, ad-hoc babysitting, etc.

If you really want to see your child, can't you move closer? Once he/she is born, nothing will seem too much effort.

I understand about the 'moving closer' bit, I really do, but I would likely be the end of a career where I am now and a large drop in salary for the next job. That's leaving aside a house move and no certainty with being any more able to contribute.

I've thought a lot about what I thought being a father was going to be and have tried to put it into words for her. I've also invited her to let me know what she thinks it means, just so there is no confusion between us. So far, I've heard nothing back about either of those two.

I'm hopefully going to be seeing her this coming week and may get a chance to talk to her about things then, but I don't know for sure.

She's about to give birth for the first time, and will be raising a new baby as a single parent. Moving closer to her family seems like a very sensible thing to do.

I didnt say it wasn't, there are always many ways to view of a issue.

But ultimately being 5 hours away makes it pretty difficult for the poster to be a father at any time other than say every other weekend and holidays.

Its alright mentioning Skype and stuff, but my daughter (2 in a month) has only just managed to stop pressing the hangup button on her Gran.

She still quite often runs away from the a phone / tablet because she doesn't fancy it or starts looking out the door for Granny.

To be honest she just doesn't really like Skype, she'd rather just see her Gran.

He got her pregnant, they split up, she's trying to get the best support for the baby. Shall we book you in for an empathy transplant?

She played no part in it the conception then? It's either a joint enterprise or it's not. I wouldn't be railroaded into being little for more than a cash dispenser.

Who's we, you and your mumsnet buddies?

She played no part in it the conception then? It's either a joint enterprise or it's not. [b]I wouldn't be railroaded into being little for more than a cash dispenser.[/b]

Who's we, you and your mumsnet buddies?

You do seem to have pressed the ludicrous hyperbole button. Back in the real world, nobody is forcing the OP into being a "cash dispenser", because he has the right to see his child. Try to stop the knee jerking for a minute and think about it from her point of view. It doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs.

I've just had a baby. It's a stressful time for mum at the best of times, so expect lots of irrational decisions, flip flopping of opinions and generally high levels of emotions.

It's pretty difficult, but you've got to be calm supportive and firm no matter what she says (even though you're not together)

But there's no getting away from the fact that a 5 hour journey is very very far when the babies newborn. It will make it almost impossible for you to be heavily involved, at least in the first year, unless you move closer IMO. Mum and baby will inseparable pretty much 24/7 for the first few months if she's breast feeding.

It was 4 months before my partner could leave our daughter with me and go out, and that was only for one evening.