Hi,
I wonder, can anyone share a story of how they managed to find peace with an event that went against their wishes?
Let's say you have to live with a decision that was outside of your control, impactful to you and went against your desires. This could be very troubling, if you cannot find the way to let it go.
Please may we hear you stories or strategies for accepting and moving on?
NB I will nuke this thread if it crosses certain lines. Respect please.
I can trade you, my wife has had to sell the horse.
But seriously, let's say you were denied a promotion and you're deeply unhappy about it, you feel it was unfair- personally motivated that you were denied and you keep feeling that anger interfering with your work.
That kinda thing
An old (and up that point, really good) friend reneged on a handshake deal we did 20 years ago. It cost me all the money I had at the time and really screwed my confidence generally - I don't think I'm over it yet. Think about it most days and am often really angry about it. Should really just forgive him and move on.
Sorry that's not much help.
Been there, A LOT.
its hard. I struggle with things when i know its not right. I dont know how people talk about stuff not bothering them. Pretty much everything does with me 🙂
If i know in right then i dont see how its reasonable to disagree. Its not like there is another version of right. Another perspective yes but not another answer. When these thins happen im desperately trying to think how it shouldn't effect me. it often does and i spend years seething. So im following this with great interest.
Your details are fairly scant but…. In that case I would decide whether to leave the organisation, actively kick back against the decision , or just do my time and only that. But having been through an internal anger festering phase, with work created PTSD, I know it is more beneficial to seek help to deal with the anger rather than letting it eat away at you, and the appropriate help is not advice on STW.
Change curve ? - kinda u shape - go through the following emotions - shock - anger - rejection - acceptance. Understand you have to go through this - just try and get through it quickly or at least don't get stuck in the first three phases. Used to work in HR - things can turnaround - have seen it many times where it is a difficult choice amongst good internal candidates - one get promoted others are cross - but then I have also seen that those who are cross follow a different path (with help) and end up in charge of the person who was promoted in the first place - find a different path?
Amen. And it's not just the horse – it's the 'horse people' that you have to interact with that makes it all a million times more stressful.
We were accused several years ago of 'doing things' that were totally untrue. Unfortunately a family member has caused me great anxiety and the only way to get over this has been the support of other loved ones, also fabulous friends.
Talk about this to trusted people. Write it down and get professional help if needed (counselling). Good luck with moving on.
Looking at old pictures and videos and accepting that you will never do those things again is maybe a smaller thing than the examples above but can still be quite sobering...
Get older.
As I've aged I've just been better able to accept that some stuff is outwith my control and that seething about it won't change that. It might be something directly affecting me, something I think just isn't "fair" or something more remote like climate change or politics. My energies are just redirected to things I can actually influence, even if that can sometimes feel a bit insular or selfish..
I'm happy that I have stage 4 cancer... how's that for acceptance?!
At 53 years old, I was at a point in my life where things were settled and I felt reasonably contented: a job that I liked, a great partner, etc. Getting diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer came as a shock (it's the sort that probably kills you, not one that you die with). Treatment left me a completely broken person. In pain and with zero energy I hated life. Over a month or so, I planned how I would kill myself (garage, ropes, hydraulic ramp). I couldn't go through with it... I couldn't let my partner or young nephew down.
What could I do? I couldn't change things. It wasn't my decision to get sick. I made the decision that I was going to accept my lot and be happy with it. I would seek to make small improvements where I could. This worked for me, and I can honestly say I have never been happier than I am now. Accepting being physically weaker than I could have been is tough. The cancer will likely kill me soon... but not today.
I'm not sure what helped me make this turnaround. I kept telling myself and others that "Acceptance brings peace". I felt like a hippy guru but it helped! I think making other big changes helped... I retired and got married. I focussed my energy on making positive change where I could have influence. I tried to let go of things I could not influence. I imagined what a younger Stanley would think of how I was coping. I thought about what an older Stanley would think of what I was doing now.
I hope some of this might help. If you really cannot change something, then not accepting it can only grind you down. Accepting it means you can move on and become a happier person. The negative event is turned around and becomes a springboard to a better future.
"Acceptance brings peace"
Your answer touches me deeply, for many reasons.
Thank you.
Oh my. If ever there was something to kick me in the arse and shake me out of my self-pity, then @stanley has just hit the bullseye.
I try and focus on release - if I can't, then what can I do now, rather than what I didn't do (or did) in the past.
The specific promotion thing - yes, been there. Mid 90s. Been acting as a team manager for 3-4 months, hit all the targets, interviewed for the role, didn't get it. It went to a female colleague with less experience. Everyone seemed surprised, including her.
We had an in house claims investigator who came to me a couple of days later to say he'd been working late one night and overheard a conversation that I was the strongest candidate but there were no female managers on the team and it had to go to a woman. He was willing to speak up if I wanted to raise a grievance.
I didn't take it further, couldn't see the point. Kept my head down and started looking elsewhere. A few months later I got the next managers role, and then used that to leapfrog to a much better role at another company. The manager who stiffed me (who had since left) had put in a good word for me - it was a small industry sector so everyone knew everyone.
There's a more personal one I'm not sharing on here as people know me in the real world. Trust broken in a pretty spectacular way, but had to swallow it for the sake of the innocent party. 20 years on it still niggles, but the trust never came back, but the outcome overall I can deal with.
So I guess my response is to not leap in, take a step back, be the bigger person, see the bigger pucture and play the long game. Cliches heal most wounds.
Thanks for sharing that Stanely.
For me talking about the event, the loss of control and why that has bothered me so much has been of massive help.
Fortunately, for a great many of the more significant events in my life there has been a high degree of peer & professional support, the perspective of others often helps to adjust ones own lens.
It also can be a place where healthy challenge can occur, and peers and professionals will tell you if you're treading an unhealthy path and call you out if you're being a bit of a knob.
I'm quite pragmatic these days as a result, the journey to that place has been uncomfortable and at times hideous and it has become a double-edged sword, to some it appears I'm not phased, to others I'm not bothered or don't care.
That misunderstanding brings with it conflict and problems of its own and I have to be mindful that my hard-learned ability to move past challenge isn't the same as others.
TLDR:
Time, understanding self (and any work required to further that) & support.
I've learned to accept people being crap.
My dad introduced me to his 4% theory when I was younger. This being that 4% of all of the people in the world are disappointing (he didn't say disappointing, he used the C bomb). These people exist in your school, your family, your workplace. They are your clients, they work in shops, you share the road with you. They are, and always be in the 4% club, you cannot ever change that. By understanding this, it explains behaviours and reminds you that it is futile trying to argue with them, change them or even get angry with them. You just feel slight pity, accept it and then move on. Being able to categorise people like this does seem to help with acceptance.
My only challenge is that the % figure seems to creep up as I age. I now think the real number is around 20%!
My half siblings regularly choose to prioritise an abusive relative over myself. It's remarkably common.
The way that I deal with it is through empathy, managing my own expectations and having an eye on the bigger picture. Sometimes it's very hard.
I empathise with the reasons that they've made the choices that they've made, and understand that they're not so much against me, but because the cost of supporting me would be too high for them. I also understand that they have motivated reasoning to make the choices that they make. They're human after all.
Having been let down by them in the past, I don't expect much from them now. I try and avoid putting them in positions where they have to choose between myself and the relative. However when the topic does come up, I do speak my truth.
The bigger picture is that I'm now estranged from one of them, and wish to have some sort of relationship with the others. They're not as close as I'd like them to be, and indeed with one of non-estranged ones I'm not as close as we have been in the past. But unfortunately that's outside my control so I have to accept it.
In the meantime I enjoy spending time with them and their offspring, and it could be a lot worse.
I've learned to accept people being crap.
My dad introduced me to his 4% theory when I was younger. This being that 4% of all of the people in the world are disappointing (he didn't say disappointing, he used the C bomb). These people exist in your school, your family, your workplace. They are your clients, they work in shops, you share the road with you. They are, and always be in the 4% club, you cannot ever change that. By understanding this, it explains behaviours and reminds you that it is futile trying to argue with them, change them or even get angry with them. You just feel slight pity, accept it and then move on. Being able to categorise people like this does seem to help with acceptance.
My only challenge is that the % figure seems to creep up as I age. I now think the real number is around 20%!
I'd go further than that. We can all be disappointing. I know that I have been at times. The difference is being aware of that fact versus being in denial about it.
Some of the worst things that have happened in my life have happened because "nice" people let it happen. And because they believe that they're nice, cognitive dissonance prevents them from reflecting on things.
But seriously, let's say you were denied a promotion and you're deeply unhappy about it, you feel it was unfair- personally motivated that you were denied and you keep feeling that anger interfering with your work.
I got a job somewhere else, at a much better company, on much better terms. Then got promoted to the role I was denied at the old company.
I'll clarify it's not a promotion issue, but only to keep the thread simple. It was an example chosen to be a bit wide of the mark. It's a more interpersonal thing.
Good advice though, no worries
To the OP, if your example is representative, there have been a couple of workplace/professional incidents along the way I've had to deal with. After treatment I perceived as unfair/unreasonable, both times I managed myself out of the situation and left with large settlements that reflected (in my mind) what had gone on.
I couldn't swallow it each time, so I left but made sure the financial impact was positive. As it happens, both times led to greater things and I see the steps as linear accumulated experience that shaped my future for the better.
At the time it's stressful and unpleasant but on reflection, often for the best.
Good luck.
<edit> Not promotion either, just Corporate shenanigans...
Denied the promotion, means time to leave. You would not be surprised to learn the proportion of employees who aren’t given the job that subsequently leave is very high. It ranges from office juniors to would-be CEOs. The company have spoken and must live with their choices. But you shouldn’t stay.
I'll clarify it's not a promotion issue, but only to keep the thread simple. It was an example chosen to be a bit wide of the mark. It's a more interpersonal thing.
I"ve got a similar thing going on at work at the moment. Through, what I see as, incompetence, I've been treated pretty badly. But overall my working relationship with my employer has generally been good, although there has been a similar previous incident which caused me a deal of stress a few years ago.
My employer seems to want to make good, although, to my view, there is a complete lack of insight into the cause of the issue, and again, a lot of motivated reasoning, but I am going to have to suck it up if I wish to stay there.
For me acceptance generally comes with time, being angry / upset or whatever about something you cannot control has no value. I know people who are still angry and bitter about a divorce, decades after it happened, why? Why carry that pain around with you all the time. Easier said than done I suppose, but I try to focus on what makes me happy, really happy, not distractions like consumer stuff, but happy.
I've accepted physical changes in my body, some from age, some from misfortune, I try to see the positive, or accept that I cannot change the past.
I've accepted guilt that I didn't say, or do that thing for that loved one who's gone. I've accepted it because I'm only Human.
I've accepted some terrible things happened to me as a child, I've accepted them because I was only a child and it certainly wasn't my fault.
I've accepted that some of the dreams and aspirations I had, will never happen now, I accept them because time is sadly linear and 'one day' never comes.
I've accepted that I've done bad things to people who didn't deserve it because I was sad, angry, wrong, mistaken, nieve or just stupid, because I'm only human.
I have to admit that I can't offer any advice on how to become a more accepting persion; I stuggle with it and two really bad bouts of depression and the long slow climb out of them have only partially helped me understand myself. Various jobs have not helped (15 years with one burned me out pretty significantly, four years with another did the same thing in a shorter time), but the worst of both episodes was the breakdown of relationships.
I have to admit i am not over the second one yet, despite it being nearly 18 months ago. Winter is not helping. I am accepting it more and now, thanks to some good help, have tools that should make it easier to do so, but there is still a lot of stuff I need to process and learn from.
Time helps, but so does finding the right person to teach you how you can move on. Otherwise it can fester. Hell, there are still things from six+ years ago that I have not really accepted.
I'll clarify it's not a promotion issue, but only to keep the thread simple. It was an example chosen to be a bit wide of the mark. It's a more interpersonal thing.
OK - well if you can work with analogies then for your employment question I think your choices were:
A. Leave and get new job elsewhere; rarely does anyone regret that
B. Raise an internal grievance, and if necessary pursue to tribunal if unlawful; rarely does that actually make you happier
C. Grin and bear it being bitter about it; eventually they'll probably get rid of you but it will be miserable waiting for a pay off
D. Learn to accept it and see the benefits of staying; you may need coaching or counselling to accept your judgement/theirs don't match.
How does that translate to other scenarios?
relationship - dump them // both go to relate (or similar) // be miserable // get "therapy" - accepting most of the burden is yours?
health - no equivalent // 2nd opinion / discuss with medics // get depression on top // discuss with your Doc or get private therapy?
I've never used the likes of "better help" (you must have seen them advertising on youtube) but it strikes me you've already realised there *might* be something you can do about how you handle it, even if you can't change the outcome.
I think it depends on the type of person you are as to how you'll handle it and whether you'll ever have acceptance. My mum just the other day commented on how I can never let things go and I just let them bother me forever but no amount of any counselling will help me change how my brain works and allow me to move on so instead I try to focus on other things to think about. I have different strategies on how to keep my brain active rather than dwelling and getting upset, I'm a whizz at reciting the alphabet backwards and can do my 7 times tables both forwards and backwards despite my childhood being spent just pretending I knew them by doing the sound effects in classes.
I'm absolutely gobsmacked by @stanleys acceptance of his situation and even reading it is massively triggering so he has my utter respect. Extremely sobering thoughts!
I made the decision that I was going to accept my lot and be happy with it. I would seek to make small improvements where I could. This worked for me, and I can honestly say I have never been happier than I am now.
I think this is crucial. I can't truly relate to Stanley's situation, but being nearly 6 years into Long COVID, 6 years without riding my bike, hiking, going dancing, having a few jars in a pub, even driving a couple of hours to see my parents - and knowing that this might be how it is for the rest of my life - I feel like I've got a tiny inkling.
And for me it comes down to - can we 'decide' to be happy*?
My take is that a person who was, say, blind from birth or a wheelchair user can live a happy and fulfilled life without cycling or hiking in the hills. So it follows that I can too, if I can get over the sudden absence from my life of most of the things I took joy from. I must surely be able to reframe my position, and 'decide to be happy'.
I wouldn't say it's easy. And I'm not happy that I'm sick. But I am more grateful for the things I do have, than anguished over the losses. And I try to remind myself of that, often.
(*clinical depression excepted, of course)
I learned quite a few years back that a couple of people in my family struggled to give a shit after my brother almost died after a brain tumor was discovered when he had a massive tonic-clonic. One of them has died since, but it's one of those moments when it makes you stop and question everything.
I don't dwell on it. A discussion I had with my brother about the two people concerned came as a terrible and unwelcome surprise to him, and i struggle to come to terms with how he reacted to that revelation despite the fact he deserved to know. The past is what it is, and I cannot change it. Those people decided to act the way they did, and there's nothing me bringing it up now would make a difference to that episode.
I make sure I don't behave as they did. It's my revenge.
Some great input on this thread. I like the "4% theory". I'm going to use that but with a slightly increased percentage.
Please don't be thinking I'm on my death bed just yet... I am having a rough day today but I currently have aspirations of taking part in next year's Dirty Reiver 200 lol!
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference, and the luck not to cock it all up too often
FTFY
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference, and the self control not to shout at people who are idiots
FTFY as well.
I've had a few instances which have been quite bad for my health, life changing injuries that I've recovered from in time. I tend to run with 'shoot happens, just get on with it'. Applied for a position 18 months ago, a 'favourite' got it, then went on maternity for a year, so role got filled temporarily, she came back a year later 'part time' so instead of one person doing the job, it's now 1.6 people to do what was supposed to be one job. Plus side is I don't have to hike into a central office !
My son's just moved out, and it's a massive relief, as he was causing more disruption being at home - the mess he created (aged 25) was incredible.
If I can't influence something, the I have to let it go as it will eat you up.
I love Serenity:)
I feel the issue here is that I cannot stop the intrusive thoughts about this deeply personal and affecting thing. For pretty much the first time in my life, my fury and sadness will not quit being the first thought whenever the subject looms.
The subject will never stop being raised, so, I have to change. Not only will it eat me up, it will affect those around me.
I'm very upset, though this thread is giving me some vital perspective. Thanks STW.
A few deaths in the family, aging parents and vascular dementia has helped me realise that time can be short, money doesn't mean much when you are diagnosed with a glioblastoma (not me, see the earlier deaths) and you may as well do your best to enjoy yourself while you can.
Also, get a dog, always happy to see you, every day starts out with the promise of another fun day of sniffs and walks. The few minutes I spend with my dog when I go to see her in the morning and she lies there wanting affection have an amazing positive effect on a fundamentally miserable person most of the time. At work, day isn't great, ride home, get tail wags and a bum to scratch as soon as I get in the door. That said she's broken my heart and cost me a fortune, but all of that is forgiven when you see her happy.
Not much to add personally, as I'm figuring some things out myself at the moment.
On "deciding to be happy": I read this a few months ago, made an impression on me and thought of it immediately when reading Stanley's and Doris's posts.
Well worth a read.
And I see his special, "Dissolve" has been released since I read the article, so I'll watch that this evening.
The subject will never stop being raised, so, I have to change. Not only will it eat me up, it will affect those around me.
Do you have to change, or are there choices you can make that will bring a degree of control to the situation?
In the past that's what I have found has had be stuck, the lack of control. So for me it's about searching for what that might look like in any given shitstorm.
A very insightful comment, I think this is a big part.
No I have no control. Didn't and don't.
I have to find a way to prevent my feelings doing damage
Amazing post Stanley and best wishes to you.
Acceptance - I guess we could call it being stoic, pragmatic, whatever, but life is definitely more peaceful when we can accept. Our minds just get stuck sometimes, ruminating and hoping to somehow bring about a different outcome and 'solve' something that's already happened, and cannot be changed. I think it can just take time, but also when we're ready we simply have to make a conscious decision to let go.
I was diagnosed with bowel cancer aged 44 earlier this year, and then my Dad died of cancer two weeks later. Definitely gives a new perspective on life, and how utterly unimportant so many of our minor problems are. And actually how powerless we are over our own fate.
Live every day doing things that make you happy. Cut out things that make you unhappy. Do / buy all the stuff you want.
Ben, thank you. I'll consider your words carefully.
