what would a psychologist say about such things, do we have one in the room? it seems more honest and open to have shared accounts to me. will we extend that open account to our growing children at some point, i've never thought about that trust line.
I’m quite surprised about escape bags.
Much more a thing in the US, although they're normally stuffed full of Ammo and no food, so unless they're going to shoot and eat their neighbours, they won't last long....
Joint accounts here and total transparency. I earn the majority of the money now (MrsG is part time) however she has earned more than me in some parts of our relationship history.
Although if different money systems work for different relationships, then that's good.
On separate accounts - Mrs TJ and I have discussed this in the light of discussions on here about managing finances. for her its three things.
1) she is adamant that she pays her way - its about her self respect its her money she is contributing to the partnership. ~She simply is unable to understand those who choose to have only joint money
2) its a safety thing - if I start thumping her she can run away and have access to money I cannot touch
3) It means she does not have to account to me what she spends her money on. Its hers
I know one chap on here IRL who is in a partnership of equals but they only have one pot of money. I don't understand this at all but he does not understand our way. Mutual incomprehension
Those of you with only joint money ask your other half if they have a wee stash of money as an escape fund? If they are happy having no money to call their own? On divorce threads on here its often said "freeze / empty joint accounts immediately" - thats why the escape fund
I think its really a hangover from previous generations. Its only in the late 60s that a woman could actually open a bank account without either her father or husband co signing and thus many women would have no access to any money if they left hence the "escape fund" Mrs TJ doesn't need one as she has her own bank accounts I cannot touch
Escape funds? Packed bags? Yeah, as drac says, marriage* is based on trust eh?!
Bonkers.
(*or not, in tj's case, but he knows everything about it)
if I start talking about bike helmets she can run away and have access to money I cannot touch
😉
Escape funds? Packed bags? Yeah, as drac says, marriage* is based on trust eh?!
The thing is, you never know. You can be happily married with a mortgage and 2.4 kids and then come home one day to find the love of your life whom you trusted implicitly in bed with Terry from accounts.
An escape bag is a bit excessive, mind.
DezB - we have only been together 38 years and the trust is huge.
For Mrs TJ its about her self respect.
A few years ago she was made redundant. She got a small payout and basic benefits ( no housing benefit etc as she lives with me). It took a few months to get another job. During this time she insisted on paying half the mortgage from her payout and was running out of money to do so. She really got quite upset at the prospect of me paying for her - which of course I would have done without hesitation. fortunately she got another job before the money ran out.
Her choice, her opinion and its one shared by many women
Never had joint accounts, perhaps it wouldve been useful for household bills, however, we just worked out based on percentage differential of earnings - I cover the mortgage etc, whilst she picks up some smaller bills and household consumables. At times this has been a challenge, maternity, working around childcare etc., but it has worked for the most part. Now, where there is less transparency is in over-spending and working debt. We have a limited view of each others, and whilst this has never been a problem, we have both admitted to being a bit "spendy" recently - time for an amnesty and a stiff drink 🙂
I suppose as long as neither of you are struggling and/or secretly hiding debt, savings or spending, then its fairly good.
We have always had a joint account but when my wife fell pregnant we dropped the individual accounts and now only have a joint account. She took 7 years out to be a full time Mum. Now shes back at work I earn a lot more than her but wouldn't dream of not sharing everything 50/50. Isn't that what you agree to when you tie the knot...
The only time it became an issue was when I bought myself a new bike from her for my birthday. Then I needed an escape bag...
1) she is adamant that she pays her way – its about her self respect its her money she is contributing to the partnership. ~She simply is unable to understand those who choose to have only joint money
2) its a safety thing – if I start thumping her she can run away and have access to money I cannot touch
3) It means she does not have to account to me what she spends her money on. Its hers
Exactly this.
She really got quite upset at the prospect of me paying for her – which of course I would have done without hesitation.
And also this.
In context, myself and Mrs Lunge have been together for a loooong time. But, we are both fiercely independent and the idea that either of us would rely entirely on the other is a bit of a scary thought for both of us. Mrs Lunge has an escape bag too, only her is disguised as an emergency bag in the boot of her car, I don't have a car so mine lives in the garage! I have no plans either to run away or to cause her to need to do so either, but for both of us it's reassuring to know the money and means are there if needed. I don't expect this to make sense to other people, TJ excepted, but it works for us.
Those of you with only joint money ask your other half if they have a wee stash of money as an escape fund?
Will do.
Can I post her hilarious laughter as a sound file.
WARNING ,it may go on for a few minutes.
My friend has never heard of this escape fund business, but wishes she had had one when her husband ran off with his secretary.
All one account for everything
I know what I'm getting my wife for her birthday now: https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=escape+bag&tbm=isch&source=lnms&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwja04TI8LzbAhVIWBQKHZ32DQ0Q_AUI4QMoAQ&biw=1536&bih=875
Again it goes back to - " it doesn't matter what your deal is only that you are both happy with it"
The other aspect for Mrs TJ and I is that we have very different attitudes towards money. this way the bills are paid and we do not argue about money cos she can save hers even when there is stuff I would like to buy and I can spend on stuff while she still saves. Its often house stuff I spend the money on - like the £12000 refurb I am in the middle of.
I'll count myself in the 1 in 4. I only got together with my OH (we're not married) after I'd got a house and a fair amount of financial stability. He also had a house and finances of his own. We could each get by independently, but he ended up spending more time at my house and eventually sold his. I've never asked how much for or what he did with the money, and neither do I itemise my bills/mortgage and ask him for half. He gives me a bit of a contribution towards bills but I actually just put it straight into a S&S ISA as my salary covers everything anyway. We did pay half each towards a new car but that's the only real joint purchase we've made.
If finances were tighter then there might be more of a conversation to be had, but we're both fairly relaxed about it at the moment - it's less that we're trying to hide stuff from each other and more that it works so why mess with it.
... come home one day to find the love of your life whom you trusted implicitly in bed with Terry from accounts.
An escape bag is a bit excessive, mind
Yeah, I reckon the hammer under my side of the bed'll do just fine for that eventuality !
(My wife earns WAY more than me - probably has an escape fund too. Her bike's a shitter though, so I'm winning)
This is one of if not the MOST astounding threads on STW... Escape funds ? Escape bags ? That's just absolutely remarkable ! I can't honestly fathom how some of your ideas of happily married and mine differs.
it seems more honest and open to have shared accounts to me.
Why? I know what my wife earns, I know what she spends her money on, I know what she has saved etc,. and vice versa. We have a very high level of honesty and trust in our relationship so why would we need a shared account to 'seem more honest'.
While I trust my wife 100%, the way she handles money does my head in so a shared account would be unnecessary stress. I have aspergers and am very particular, she is not....
One account
But
We are very similar in outlook and spending habits so it works well. Splitting accounts never used to make much sense to me but one of the good things about this place is that I now get it after many threads like this. I don't think it's for us but neither do I think it's crazy. I think we would find splitting accounts quite hard to do
Just bought a house & got a joint account with my partner...
Feel that as she earns approx double of what I do then perhaps I need an escape bag & to squirrel some funds away.
But hey I can always sell some more bikes... I don't really need 6.
Interesting thread... can't say I'd ever thought about an escape fund, much less an escape bag. I guess I always thought that if it came to that, I'd grab my favourite guitar, jump in the car and drive off into the sunset.
As MissusBond earns considerably more than me and has pretty much maxed out her pension, she covers the mortgage and some of the bills and a significant proportion of my salary goes into topping out my pension, ISAs etc.
We've always had separate accounts, never really argued about what we spend money on (although I'm regularly reminded about a pair of Ti Speedplay pedals I bought and she accidentally saw the receipt).
To be honest, I don't really know what other accounts and savings she has but as I'm generally rubbish with money and she's an accountant by trade I'm very happy divesting that responsibility to her.
some right crazies on here, just packing my escape bag, what do i need, long dated food i guess..
how many pants / socks
it seems more honest and open to have shared accounts to me.
Although you can't have joint pensions and ISAs they are individual accounts by (legal) definition....