Forum menu
I saw this and had to post it - since we haven't had one for a few days, what other jokes you got?
(lifted from elsewhere)
Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and asks
"Can I get a large aperitif?". The barman looks
at her and says, "I seriously doubt it, love."
my favourite is:
A man walks in to his marital bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife, who is in bed, looks up as the man says "This is the pig I **** when you have a headache". The wife looks at him and says
"I think you'll find that is not a pig, it is a sheep." the man replies
"I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
I just thought of this one literally seconds ago so you'll have to forgive me if it's totally crap...
What groupset does a pirate run on his bike?
XTYaaarggh 😳
*this made me chuckle today - not really a joke though*
Turns out Nintendo 3DS doesn't work if you close one eye. Guess Nintendo really is serious about clamping down on pirates with this hardware generation.
Quality schrickvr6! 😆
A police officer stops Werner Heisenberg in his car for speeding. He walks up to the window and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going, sir?"
"No", replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"
Or, a bit more lowbrow, but one of my favourite jokes:
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
What groupset does a pirate run on his bike?XTYaaarggh
Bassspine likes this
(My sister had some builders in, they were pirate builders, they demolished a wall and fitted an ArrrSJ)
An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, the woman writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Bassspine - My mates a pirate, he thought your joke was a load of arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgghhse
I saw a bloke running out of a pub with a fruit machine on his back. Thought he's taking a gamble.
Patient: "Doctor, i've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse".
Doctor: "How's that?"
Patient: "Don't you start!"
I see on the news that a French fighter jet has brought down a Libyan fighter jet.
That must have been one powerful distress flare.
------------------------------------
I put some body spray on last night, but I only managed to pull Anne Robinson.
It must have been the weakest Lynx.
-------------------------------------
My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out."
I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs.
I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.
What do you get if you cross a paedophile with a pirate?
Arrrrrgh Kelly
Why did police arrest the Adobe Acrobat?
Because he was a pdf file.
a gentleman staggers in to a doctors,"what seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"I'll have to show you Doc, there's no way you'll believe me otherwise". With that the chap drops his pants to reveal a massive ruined and damaged back passage.
"dear god" exclaims the doc "I've never seen anything that bad, how the hell did that happen?"
"well I was on safari and one night I needed the toilet and slipped away from the camp for a discreet poo, what I didn't know was that there was a bull elephant with the horn in the bushes and he ran out, pinned me down and made mad elephant love to my bottom"
"hmmmmmm" says the doc " that still doesn't explain the amount of stretch related damage, an elephant's willy isn't that big"
"yeh, he fingered me first"
I have a racing snail and to try and make him faster i removed his shell.
If anything it just made him more sluggish.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
what do you call a bear with no ear?
'B'
One my brother told me, and still makes me chuckle:
How do you sneak up on cheese?
Carefully!
Makes no sense, but makes me laugh for some reason.
How do you sneak up on cheese?
[s]Carefully![/s] caerphilly it's a type of cheese you eeeejit 😆
Haha i don't think even he knew that when he told me!
what cheese do you use to hide a horse?
marscapone
what cheese to you use to catch a bear?
camenbert
Haha i don't think even he knew that when he told me!
Seems like neither did you, son!
I thought it was : What cheese do you use to encourage a bear?!
Haha i don't think even he knew that when he told me!Seems like neither did you, son!
Indeed! Think that was the point Tazzy was making, but nice one none the less!
What type of cheese is made backwards?
EDAM.
-------------------------
What does the cheese say when it looks in a mirror?
Hallumi!
----------------------------------
What's the most feminist kind of cheese in the world??
Germaine Gruyere
------------------------------------------
What's a Pirates favourite cheese?
Chedd-AAAAAARGH
why can't bicycles stand up on their own?
because they're two tyred...
Somewhat geeky but on topic,
What goes "pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?
A parroty error.
West Yorkshire Police are looking for a serial rapist.
I called them up, but apparently its not a job.
Which Tyler and the Pedant's Revolt
Perfect.
how do pirates spell mirror?
m-i-AAAAAAAAArgh-AAAAAAAAArgh-o-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArgh
why are pirates called pirates?
because they AAAAAAAAAAAAArgh
A guy walks into a doctor's wearing only cling film underpants. The doctor takes one look at him and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".
Why does Noddy wear a big blue hat with a bell on the end?
Cos he's a ****!
what's white and slides on the dance floor?
come dancing
Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he needed a poo!
euain 😀
The special olympics are being held in London and in order to help visitors, the organisers have published a leaflet containing the appropriate cockney rhyming slang:
Bacon rind = blind
Canary wharf = dwarf
Cardinal wolsley= cerebral palsy
wasps and bees = amputees
rasbery ripple= cripple
diet pepsi =epilepsy
benny and the SWEAR WORD jets = tourettes
I told my Doctor
"Doctor, I feel as lifeless as a Welsh resort in the winter"
He said
"Ah, it sounds like you're Rhyl."
😆
The greatest joke of all time is of course:
What's brown and sticky?
what's brown and smells of pine
a poo in radox bath
Despite being reasonably careful about grammar and punctuation I have never grasped what this is about: "Which Tyler and the Pedant's Revolt".
[I have a copy of The Pedants' Revolt knocking about somewhere]
Hey ho!
OP - took me a while, but I did chuckle when I finally got it 😆
What's brown and sticky?
the Isle of Wight Ferry?
Crotchrocket ftw