Subscribe now and choose from over 30 free gifts worth up to £49 - Plus get £25 to spend in our shop
So, I've had a big, big off and have scratches and cuts all over my face again (and much more besides). As many of us know from bitter experience, whilst the cuts heal, they invite all sorts of unwanted advice from non-cyclists. Such as (from today) "if god wanted us to cycle he'd have given us wheels".
I can think of all sorts of angry replies, of course, but can the STW hive mind provide me with a script with some more-amusing comebacks?
If God wanted us to be ugly fat ****ers he wouldn't have given us eyes?
Edit, might not meet all your requirements.
He did give us wheels, he just made them detachable for convenience?
"The jerk store called, they're running out of you."
From STW of old.
Button it, fatty!
If God wanted me to listen to your opinion he wouldn't have given me the ability to tell you to **** off!
"If another fat person comments on me cycling I'm going to comment on their diet."
-me responding to some helpful advice from concerned fatties after breaking my arm (again)
The recipient of that comment is about 5ft2 and has since lost about 10st. So clearly I hit a nerve!
Maybe the angry replies truly are the best. But the 'detachable for convenience' comment was my reply this morning - obviously, being post-human, wheels were my modification choice...
I would have just told them their argument is invalid because god doesn't exist!
No, no. God does exist. I see her out riding all the time
“If god had wanted us to make hilarious smart arse comments he’d have given us wit.”
Or if you prefer a more passive-aggressive ****er approach, chuckle and say “remind me, was that Dorothy Parker or Oscar Wilde? I always forget.”
The correct response of course is simply to ignore such comments: they’re not a “non cyclists” thing, they’re a tedious bell end thing.
Alternatively, double up with laughter and roll around on the floor clutching your ribs and crying until they walk away. Then troll them on Facebook. And sellotape a mackerel to the underside of their desk.
"Chicks love scars, but not as much as you love cake"
And sellotape a mackerel to the underside of their desk.
Other office pranks are available - my favourite is a small bit of sellotape over the mouse sensor.
"All these scratches? ....Yeah, your mum is a wildcat!"
roll around on the floor clutching your ribs and crying until they walk away
I suspect OP is already doing this.
Much snorking and s****ing here.
For my part I don't feel obliged to ban the biking yet. So the idiots can explain to me why they think they know better.
Purchase them a puppy, wait a bit until it's a loving member of their family, then bum it (the puppy).
It's the wife! Scarper!
"Yeah, turns out 'No' does mean 'No'" if you have a dark sense of humour like me.
The Wife, yes. Not happy that I've ruined the expensive POC helmet she bought me. Worked very nicely, though.
Not happy that I’ve ruined the expensive POC helmet she bought me. Worked very nicely, though.
Why exactly did she buy it for you?
"Sitting on your arse is dangerous too."
then bum it (the puppy).
In front of them? (just checking)
In front of them? (just checking)
You're expected to take turns?
The correct response of course is simply to ignore such comments: they’re not a “non cyclists” thing, they’re a tedious bell end thing.
I dunno, to paraphrase Mike Tyson, 'everyone thinks they sound funny until they get punched in the mouth'. Though that cuts both ways. Personally I would stick to my hardest Paddington Bear stare and leave it at that.
if god wanted us to cycle he’d have given us wheels
God gave us Kirkpatrick Macmillan so clearly he did want us to cycle.
“if god wanted us to cycle he’d have given us wheels”.
"Perhaps, but I tend not to rely on handouts especially from fictional characters"...
The one time I've had a decent crash with visible damage, everyone has been really concerned for me. Do the insults only come to multiple offenders?
Well if you believe in god, you would know that wheels are god-given*. If you don't then the comment becomes a bit pointless.
* well that is my understanding of the situation
"Decent people offer concern not snide comments"
‘I may have cuts and bruises, but they will heal. You’ll always be a ****’
“if god wanted us to cycle he’d have given us wheels”
Amen, sister! Let’s get naked and eat trifle til we puke.
Your existence is proof that there's no God - now **** off