• This topic has 73 replies, 47 voices, and was last updated 11 years ago by csb.
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  • Overnight gas build-up potentially causing structural damage to my house
  • binners
    Full Member

    There’s no delicate way of putting this. Something is going drastically awry with my bodies overnight routine.

    Normally while asleep, as in common with most blokes I imagine, my body acts like a kind of muffled air-gun-repeater on Temazapan. Slowly, methodically but sneakily creating the mornings Dutch Oven. Recently however, this seems to have changed quite alarmingly. It now seems to be storing everything up for an early morning ‘Shock and Awe’ approach of which Don Rumsfeld himself would be proud!

    No sooner are my eyes open then I’m compelled to release a trouser trumpet of truly biblical proportions. The best way I can describe it is someone slowly tearing a heavy velvet curtain, in a metal lift, while an air raid siren drones in the background, above an Islamic call to prayer. Its terrifying! The windows rattle and the walls bow outwards. To extend the ‘Shock and Awe’ analogy, its like a depleted-uranium-tipped bunker buster has directly impacted next to the house.

    Is this normal? Is this what I’ve got to look forward too now I’ve reached… ahem… a certain age? I don’t want my house to end up like Saddam’s palace!! I’m getting very concerned about any source of ignition. Will I ever be able to return to my bodies previous, more natural, state – smuggling ducks?

    Your advice and experiences please? Quack! 🙁

    thegreatape
    Free Member

    You’ve accidentally put a sad, worried yellow face at the end, instead of the great big happy grin one.

    martinhutch
    Full Member

    I don’t want my house to end up like Saddam’s palace!!

    What, regularly visited by American squaddies?

    Sounds like you’ve allowed your arse muscles to go flabby, creating a secondary night-seal.

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    bullheart
    Free Member

    I once did a fart in a Barnes and Noble bookshop in New York that was so loud and powerful that;

    a) I moved forwards some considerable distance

    b) the lady behind the counter 20 metres away came over to me and asked if I’d dropped one of the large expensive coffee-tabel-esque hardbacks offered in that particular aisle.

    I feel your pain.

    wors
    Full Member

    Too much “wrong way traffic” i suspect….

    Harry_the_Spider
    Full Member

    Speaking as a person who has a vegetarian wife and vegetarian children, thus making me vegetarian by default, I have become accustomed to the early morning rumble of thunder.

    My son is particularly pleased with his farting and is now at an age when he likes to describe them. TRUMP, QUACK and TOMMY SQUEAKER are possible his most often used words at the moment. He has agreed to a cease fire around the dinner table, but as far as he is concerned anywhere and anytime else is fair game for blowing the bum trumpet.

    His bedroom has the same smell and ambient temperature of the reptile house at Chester Zoo.

    Ro5ey
    Free Member

    I thought the OP was vgood

    Then I read this

    “a) I moved forwards some considerable distance”

    In tears here 😆 😆

    higgo
    Free Member

    Is there something troubling you in your home or work life?
    Some people grind their teeth at night, some people cope by clenching their sphincter all night.

    You obviously need to resolve a number of mental issues but that will take time so as a short term relief you need to find a way to get back to ‘little&often’ venting. A rubber hose rammed up there just before you go to sleep may help. If it’s awkward, maybe Mrs Binners could help?

    And then, why waste it? With a couple of water traps and a manifold system you can fill those jerry cans for the garage. An LPG conversion and you’ll never need to buy fuel again.

    D0NK
    Full Member

    Quality highbrow thread in the making

    is now at an age when he likes to describe them

    my eldest says “pump-pum”

    bagpuss72
    Free Member

    Words fail me……..

    Its probably the 14 slices of pate on toast you consumed just before retiring dearest……..

    coffeeking
    Free Member

    I can’t even begin to imagine what makes you want to discuss this on here. What’s more, who cares? Any normal person would analyse their diet and adjust and re-evaluate, not ask about it in a public forum. Ah well.

    binners
    Full Member

    Isn’t this why the internet was invented? Well… if you discount pron?

    Oh…. and its too consistent to be purely pate related dear

    wwaswas
    Full Member

    What’s more, who cares?

    bagpuss72, for a start.

    coffeeking
    Free Member

    Isn’t this why the internet was invented? Well… if you discount pron?

    No, I’m afraid not. Unless you’re 12*?

    *Note the age related internet birth dependency depicted is entirely for theatrical purposes here.

    Hobster
    Free Member

    Have you checked for squirrels or other woodland creatures coming out of hibernation?

    Tom83
    Full Member

    Funniest post I’ve read in ages 😀

    senorj
    Full Member

    If I use a popular energy gel whilst riding ,afterwards and through night
    I can whistle tunes with my caustic trumps. 😳

    headfirst
    Free Member

    I think you should check that you haven’t “accidentally fallen on” an ear horn, which may amplify your output somewhat. Like this one maybe…

    brakes
    Free Member

    have you contacted the London Philharmonic?
    I hear they’re looking for a new violinist…

    brakes
    Free Member

    that’s not right is it

    D0NK
    Full Member

    probably the 14 slices of pate on toast

    aye that’ll do it

    wwaswas
    Full Member

    that’s not right is it

    the violinists will probably be playing second fiddle to his tuba.

    binners
    Full Member

    PAAARP!!!

    PJM1974
    Free Member

    I can’t even begin to imagine what makes you want to discuss this on here.

    Because it’s funny.

    What’s more, who cares?

    I do! I do!

    Any normal person would analyse their diet and adjust and re-evaluate, not ask about it in a public forum.

    STWers normal? We gifted the world the Picolax Thread.

    derek_starship
    Free Member

    First of all, can I just say that it’s threads like this that keep me coming back to STW. Coffeeking will obviously be baffled by this but hey-ho it’s true. I love the candid discussion of all our bodily functions from ACLs through cardio-vascular stuff and down to the nitty gritty, taboo-shunning talk of assholes, trumps and poo.

    Binners. I don’t consider you to have a problem at all. Wind piffing away, under the radar all night is a wasted opportunity. You wouldn’t let a balloon down slowly through careful manipulation of its “cats a-hole” would you? No. You’d stick a Regal kingsize or a panel pin into it and enjoy the BANG. Embrace your shock and awe morning munitions. Be proud of them and celebrate them with BP72 with a glass of pinotage and a handful of chickpeas.

    You are a lucky man. And what better alarm signal than your own “deltic arse” thundering into the the morning air?

    Chapeau.

    Cougar
    Full Member

    Then I read this

    “a) I moved forwards some considerable distance”

    In tears here 😆

    +1. Literally. It’s a good job I’m the only one in the office at the moment.

    FunkyDunc
    Free Member

    I’m surprised iDiet hasn’t been mentioned as a solution yet 😆

    emsz
    Free Member

    pissing myself… 😆

    Have you been at the sausage rolls from greggs binners?

    If we’re taking bed troubles, I’m being squeezed, literally wake up on a teeny edge of the bed while GF is doing starfish impressions…(single child… 🙄 )

    I need tactics….

    wombat
    Full Member

    If we’re taking bed troubles, I’m being squeezed, literally wake up on a teeny edge of the bed while GF is doing starfish impressions…(single child… )

    I need tactics….

    Sieze the opportunity and practice breathing through your ears…..although that may not dissuade her from sleeping like that 😈

    jerseychaz
    Full Member

    Oh, this is so worth the subs money :lol:ROFLMAO

    Cougar
    Full Member

    To the OP,

    Have you recently discovered real ale, perchance?

    Being of voodoo vegenematarian persuasion, my chuffs are afforded naturally freer passage than if they had to muscle their way out past a meat-fortified richard when they wanted to play out. I like to think they smell of lavender and kittens.

    However, after a night on what is affectionally known locally as “Theakston’s Finest Eggy,” my bottom burps take on a whole other persona. Foul shades escape from my trousers like Harry Potter’s Dementors, and fly round turning the air brown. It’s hard to walk anywhere without deflating on each footfall, trailing acrid sulphur and brimstone behind me.

    There is a knack though, I’ve found, of squeezing them out carefully, counting to five, and then going somewhere else. You need to relax into it for the sneak, otherwise they come out in a high pitched squeak like a child blowing too hard on a descant recorder; then you need to wait the five seconds for the gaseous umbillical to collapse, make a run for it too soon and it’ll follow you.

    Cougar
    Full Member

    I need tactics….

    How would tiny mints help?

    Harry_the_Spider
    Full Member

    GF is doing starfish impressions

    Now then young lady, let’s keep it clean. 😯

    wwaswas
    Full Member

    you need to wait for the gaseous umbillical to collapse

    Exactly, the whole point of an eggy drifter is that its owner can’t be traced.

    Ideally, you want something that’ll waft around the office for a good 20 minutes without dispersing whilst you track its progress by spotting the wrinkled noses and shoe checking.

    nbt
    Full Member

    Another on in tears at Bullheart’s post here. MOst disconcerting in the middle of an office 😉

    Oh and binners, you’d better pray that your electricity works ok, if you have to light a candle then ther might be trouble…

    TandemJeremy
    Free Member

    believe it or not there is such a thing as a flatus tube – used in the medical world for relief of excessive flatus. I am sure your imagination can tell you how it works and I am sure you could improvise with a piece of hosepipe

    piedidiformaggio
    Free Member

    Have you tried smuggling ducks instead on one instantaneous release?

    wwaswas
    Full Member

    I am sure you could improvise with a piece of hosepipe

    although possibly not whilst sat at your desk.

    Clover
    Full Member

    OK, so I was really worried for a second that there was some kind of geological event over in that there Lancashire (which may obviously affect this here glorious Yorkshire).

    Now I have read the thread. I am relieved.

    Although possibly not as relieved as the OP.

    PeterPoddy
    Free Member

    believe it or not there is such a thing as a flatus tube – used in the medical world for relief of excessive flatus. I am sure your imagination can tell you how it works and I am sure you could improvise with a piece of hosepipe

    And you could attach ALL SORTS of things to the end of the hosepipe

    A valve to pump up your tyres
    A trombone, or any other ‘wind’ instrument
    A balloon
    A claxon
    An airbrush (Be careful, unless you really want to spray brown)
    A pneumatic drill (Pros only)

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