There’s no delicate way of putting this. Something is going drastically awry with my bodies overnight routine.
Normally while asleep, as in common with most blokes I imagine, my body acts like a kind of muffled air-gun-repeater on Temazapan. Slowly, methodically but sneakily creating the mornings Dutch Oven. Recently however, this seems to have changed quite alarmingly. It now seems to be storing everything up for an early morning ‘Shock and Awe’ approach of which Don Rumsfeld himself would be proud!
No sooner are my eyes open then I’m compelled to release a trouser trumpet of truly biblical proportions. The best way I can describe it is someone slowly tearing a heavy velvet curtain, in a metal lift, while an air raid siren drones in the background, above an Islamic call to prayer. Its terrifying! The windows rattle and the walls bow outwards. To extend the ‘Shock and Awe’ analogy, its like a depleted-uranium-tipped bunker buster has directly impacted next to the house.
Is this normal? Is this what I’ve got to look forward too now I’ve reached… ahem… a certain age? I don’t want my house to end up like Saddam’s palace!! I’m getting very concerned about any source of ignition. Will I ever be able to return to my bodies previous, more natural, state – smuggling ducks?
Your advice and experiences please? Quack! 🙁