Does this year get any better !

Mother in Law has put me in a predicament and Im not sure what to do…

To cut a long story short about 8 years ago she had skin cancer at the time all sorted out and is still okay.
On sunday she told me that another mole had gone all funny/crusty etc I asked shed been to the doctor yet, no was her answer she’s to scared to go, not had time as her husband (FIL) also been treated for cancer again he’s hopefully ok.
She asked me on Sunday not to tell her daughter (my wife) I said as long as you make an appointment ASAP.
Today I went over as the kids are staying at hers tonight (she lives 10mins from work) to set up beds etc. She is going on Friday to the doctors, we got talking again and the mole has been like this since the summer, wether thats good or bad I dont know nor do I want to know so please refrain from any medical stuff. Again I promised not to tell wife.

Now the thing is something doesnt feel right about not telling her like im lying or something, but on the other hand my wife could well do without extra stress even if its for a few days as her friend has the C (you can read about that on previous post )

On a selfish note if I tell her shes going to panic rightfully so and I dont need the extra stress anxiety that it gives me (I have my own issues)

When shes been to the doctors she will have to tell her I cant keep that from her…

I know none of you can give me the answer nor am I seeking one but any thoughts would be great…

Thanks in advance

“I can’t lie to my wife any longer, if you don’t tell her in the next week then I will.”

IF your wide found out you knew and didn’t tell her how will she feel about trusting you in the future.

If it were me I’d tell the MIL that she has to tell her daughter what’s happening or I would. Before she goes to the Doctors.

“I’ve got a lump and I’m off to the Doctors” is breaking it gently as possible, imo, rather than “I’ve been to the Docs and she’s referring me”

she will be referred no question of that

Firstly, well played you – you obviously have a very good trusting relationship with your extended family which is something to be proud of.

Secondly, I personally would have a word and explain that your main concern is for her health, particularly bearing in mind the impact on your wife if there are real causes for concern. I might gently suggest that you don’t feel that happy keeping things like that from your wife, and that you will do for now on the basis that she does make the arrangement without delay.

For what it’s worth, my wife has just said that if she found out that something like that was kept from her by me and her mum she’d be feel more upset and let down by that than finding out about the scare itself.

she is going on Friday

I know none of you can give me the answer nor am I seeking one but any thoughts would be great…

If you are having bad wifi communication ,I would suggest turning the wifi off ,then on again.
I am just back from the hospital and did not get the diagnosis that I wanted, I don’t want any advice and have decided to just get on with things ,my wifi signal is fine after this update. You just can’t beat quality wifi .

Hope some of this post is what you were looking for, have a good new year.

You’ve been put in a tough position. At the end of the day, who is more important to you? I think you know the answer! As others have suggested, tell m-i-l that you have to tell your wife to maintain trust. Don’t leave it to m-i-l to tell her first because sure as eggs is eggs she’ll let it slip that you were already aware.

Sorry, I didn’t read that properly at all. In that case I would say that you don’t feel comfortable keeping it from her, and that if she doesn’t tell her soon you will have to.

I have said that and I know come Friday she will tell her but today’s Tuesday and I don’t feel comfortable with the said information but I guess in the grand scheme of things perhaps it’s more my issues and anxietys eating me up

As above, it’s good that you can talk your MIL into seeking treatment. Now that she’s going for it then she really does need to tell your wife. When it comes out, I would explain to your wife that:

A) It’s important that your MIL can confide in someone close – this means that she won’t hide it under the carpet to protect her close relatives, plus you have her interests at heart and have given her good advice.

B) If you had told your wife, against the wishes of the MIL, then any further medical issues might go undetected; The MIL will avoid discussing with immediate family and you have broken her trust.

C) If your wife told you something in confidence, would she expect you to offer advice and keep the secret, or not?

I don’t mean this to sound unsympathetic, but as uncomfortable as you are feeling, I bet your MIL is feeling a damned sight worse. Suck it up untill she feels she wants to tell her.

Tomhoward you are so very right thank you for the honest approach

The mil has a mole that may be just that and it’s making you feel like this…wow!

Your loyalty is to your wife, not the mil. I agree there’s something not quite right…she just needs to get the friggin thing checked out and stop pratting you about!

Bit harsh mate you obviously haven’t read the original post she has already had skin cancer so she has every right to feel slightly anxious
As for me I have my own anxieties that unfortunately cross over but thanks for your input

There is no right answer . In my family and indeed circle of close friends it is accepted if you tell the husband then you take it as read you have told the wife as well . I would keep my wife’s secrets from her family but not the other way round.

Intention – you have no ill intention to hide it from your wife.

Reason – you do not want to stress wife up.

Action – nobody ask so you don’t volunteer information. Not lying. After all your MIL only told you and if she wanted to let your wife knows she would have done so.

Confirm first – MIL should check with doctor first before confirming and hopefully negative.

If are ask later on then let wife knows your reasoning. i.e. good intention.

🙂

who’s more important to you wife or MIL?

I couldn’t keep that from my wife

Once she’s seen the doctor I’d say that you cant keep it from the wife any longer

If you keep it from her and it comes out later even if there’s no problem it could cause resentment etc

Sorry unfitgeezer got to disagree she had skin cancer once so she know what’s what so needs to stop messing about and get down the doc’s,under a certain thickness moles removed job done beyond that gets a bit more messy

P.s had skin cancer 6+ years ago so know what iam talking about as for telling your wife only you can call that one you know them both we(hive)don’t