A little background.

mrs rocket and myself both have epic 30-mile commutes across the wasteland of the West Midlands. Basically she goes south west and I go south east from the luxurious suburbs of Stafford.

My workplace is not too far from where I was born and my 90-year old Mum still lives nearby on her own. I’ve made a habit of going to see her a once or twice a week but over the years her physical condition has deteriorated and now I go and see her most days at lunchtime and make her something to eat. Although Mum has carers three times a day she prefers my simple culinary skills and has come to rely on me for one decent meal a day

Now at work it looks as though we are moving premises. Incredibly it looks as though we will be moving to a location just a mile or two from where mrs rocket works, thus effectively reducing our massive commuting costs and stress factor by half – we could car share.

But of course this puts me in a predicament with my Mum; I feel as though I am letting her down in the winter of her life. Of course there are services in place to look after old people but as some of you may know, old people tend to be creatures of habit and very resistant to change – it’s either their way or no way. I can see my poor old Mum withering away because I won’t be able to visit her during the week.

What would you do in this situation?

Move closer to your Mum and commute from there together?

Or see if she’ll move closer to your home?

you’d be able to drop in more oftne, then.

Move her into yours?

Tell her how you feel. Unless she is very selfish, she will understand.

You’re still not that far away from her and can visit a bit more infrequently.

Or look to see if she will move – but I know that old folk often won’t consider that.

As regards meals, have you looked into the prepared/microwavable foods (e.g. Wiltshire Farm)? These are useful as portions tend to be on the more “meagre” side and they are still pretty nutritious.

If you see your mum every day then do you not have the sort of relationship where you can have a chat with her about it?

that’s really unfortunate – we moved here to be closer to my folks as they got older, and we are able to pop round to see my mum as often as is required – be that couple of times a week (do her shopping, have a chat) or more often (if there’s ‘stuff’ needing sorting).

Could you chat to your employers as well – could you get out for an extended lunch or similar (or take shorter hours – take a day off or work less)?

mum will understand I’m sure but I see where you’re thinking leads and I feel, unfortunately, you’re probably right.

My mum has a combination of home cooking (hers), stuff we buy her from supermarket or whatever, and as druidh says, Wiltshire stuff. Has kept her from wasting away.

Keep doing what you are doing and stand the costs?

It’s fantastic that you take the effort now, so why let this little change in circumstances change that?

Contact the care providers the social worker assigned to your mum and explain the situation.
They will be able to offer some useful advice.

Regarding food, you could prepare meals and leave them in the freezer, but in all honesty the care workers should be able to knock up the same meals that you make in your lunch hour.
If not, change care providers.

As druidh says, the Wiltshire Farm Foods meals are excellent – well balanced & good value.
I cook about 25 a week, they all get eaten 🙂

Bit busy now but drop me an email if you would like to chat about care issues.
And don’t feel guilty.

Keep doing what you are doing and stand the costs?

from what I’ve read he’ll be workign 30 miles from where he does now – popping in at lunchtime ceases to be an option?

Sounds like your mum needs your support and deserves it.

But you have a dilemma, could you not visit her after work rather than lunchtime?
PIA not being able to cut the travelling costs by car sharing but that time will come.
I truly wish I’d spent a lot more time with my mum in her later life.

Go and see her after work. You’ll be glad you did.

You only get one Mum, most Mum’s would move heaven and earth for their kids, perhaps it’s time to do the same for her.

EDIT: made no sense!!

a very difficult situation, my mum died this year and my dad is failing (they’re about 7 hours drive away), even as mum was dying she made it clear I had to live my life and there is nothing I could really do, sitting by the bed of someone who was unconcious/incoherent was a waste of time, her words (*my mum was a nurse). I call my dad every week and go up about 5 times a year – he has also made it clear that it’s not my job to look after him, so I certainly think talking to your mum will be helpful – well talking to mine certainly helped me. I’m very lucky* as dad is on nurse administered pills (*so 4 visits a day) and has mums friends keep dropping in (* and he still works cutting grass/gardening etc when he can…….)

In terms of ‘acheiving change’ with dad (*he has alzheimers and always was very change resistant), both my gf and I have found it’s best to talk infront of him about what is a good idea(or bad idea) BUT NOT make him do it or force the point and then let him have the idea himself if you see what I mean and then we help him implement it after hes decided it a good idea he’s had(ie throwing out the chip pan)

Some ideas below, really sorry if you’re offended or consider them inappropriate, but it’s from my learnings – and from talks with my parents, *I’m an only child so the below might be a lot more tricky for you.
Regarding meals – see meals and wheels, dad is charged 2.85 for a two course hot meal per day – IMHO well worth it – visit and food.
Get power of attorney signed (you don’t need to use it but doing it when it can be signed by your mum will make it cheaper and easier, *Scotland/solicitor advice.
Get your name on all bank accounts as joint – I can make sure my dads current account is ok and therefore all standing orders etc etc are ok
Make sure there is a will, sorry but it will be a pain if there isn’t.
Check things like house etc insurance haven’t been with the same co for years, my parents were getting rooked – 100% more than competitors.
Understand your parents financial position – penisons etc, my dad has lost all confidence etc so I deal with most money stuff).
Try to find out where all papers are (birth/marriage etc certificates as they’ll probably be needed down the line).
My parents had funeral plans (prepaid funerals) and that meant that somebody did it all the funeral planning/organising for me and dad. It still pisses me right off that my mum is on the east lawn at Ayr crem, but we did talk, several times, and that was her wish, dad goes same place – all clearly documented.

edit – decided to end on a more humourous note, my dad always had his hair cut by mum, so has now gone a bit hippy, lots of people telling him to get his haircut, after the point got pushed a bit much he remarked – if you think my heid is bad, you should see my arse..’, so now it’s off topic, gf and I will take clippers up at Xmas.

🙂 @ gusamc.

all points true. I have continuing & welfare PofA over my mum (and did over dad) – makes things sooo much easier, like a Joker you get to play

I’m also – as above – named on mum’s bank account so I can check stuff, withdraw cash for her, settle bills online – so much easier, you’ve no idea.

Also have all paperwork together, dad had done all that so mum now hasn’t a clue about life insurance policies, also as above was paying way over the odds for house insurance on basis of simple renewal year after year. criminal, really.

🙁

Sad thread makes me sad.

My mum lives 150 miles away from me, and my two brothers live further away from her, I worry all the time about my Mum. She’s only mid 60’s, but i worry about her been unable to look after herself in the future. And how guilty I’ll feel about not seeing her often now.

I wasn’t a happy boy in my teens, and I’m not sure if I would have copied without her…not sure how I’d cope now without her being on the end of a phone line!

FWIW the Wiltshire stuff I ate was grim.

Otherwise, tough situation, but if your employer is moving, what choice do you have?

Presumably you have no siblings or other relatives? Don’t really know what to suggest, sorry. It’s not easy with elderly parents. 🙁

We ordered a selection of Wiltshire Foods for my mother and she thought they were slop. I looked at their brochure and couldn’t see any mention of whether the food was UK sourced.