My ongoing saga with my brother, his marriage and his drinking continues. This morning i kicked him out of my house and i am sat here at work with tears in my eyes. Following on my my previous posts, my brother went back to Sweden, where divorce papers were signed, the flat sold etc. He then packed up his car to make the drive back to Britain. However, due to emotions he couldn’t do it. At the drop of a hat, i took a week off work and flew out to arctic sweden, walked out of the airport, got straight into his car and drove home – i drove the whole way, a distance of 2000 miles in three days.

I was hoping him being back in britain would kick start the rest of his life, but he really is an emotional wreck and is still drinking. He bought a van, put a bed in the back and was going to travel round for the summer. However, i kept getting phonecalls, with him crying, so i said he could stay with myself and my girlfriend for a couple of weeks. I laid down the the rules about drinking and living with us. He is like a jekkyl and hyde character, nice as pie one minute, then bang, he has a drink and turns into a really unpleasant person. This got to a head last night when my girlfriend phoned me up at work ( she was upset) and asked me to come home as my brother was being very difficult. I found alot of empty cans and bottles in his bedroom, and when confronted, he lies to my face, and basically will not accept any responsibility for his actions, blaming them on his difficult situation. Anyway, this morning i kicked him out and he has gone off in his van. He didnt even say goodbye, blames me for kicking him out, shows no remorse for his behavior and doesn’t seem to recognise how much my parents and i have tried to help him. He says that his situation is nothing to do with us and just doesn’t realise that by him staying at our house, that we are involved. I have told him to get help, but he just says that he doesn’t need it and that he is in a ‘grieving’ period. This has been on top of my dog having to have his spleen removed this week. I just cant cope.

It is really hard as he is still my brother and when he is normal, we have fun together, but i now feel like i have thrown him to the wolves – but he must realise that he is responsible for himself and it is up to him to start a new life. What if something happens to him because i have kicked him out – could i have done more and accepted the hardship it would cause me and my girlfriend in order to sort him out

sorry for the long post, but i just needed to get it off my chest.

You can’t afford to let him drag you down as well. That is not fair you you or you girlfriend.

Sounds like you have put in a heroic effort so far, don’t beat yourself up.

There is very little reasoning with an alcoholic.

You have tried your best mate, people (including family) have to respect your rules.

You have to step back otherwise it’ll eat you up then it’ll put your own relationship in jeopardy

Some people have to hit bottom before they can climb back up, sometimes by trying to help you only prolong the misery by enabling the behaviour to continue, let him know you still care and are there to help but you aren’t going to be a victim yourself..
Sympathies OP, don’t beat yourself up too much,

but he must realise that he is responsible for himself

What if he can’t take responsibility?

Don’t enable him, but attempting to shock him out of it might not work either. You and/or he need professional help, I’d suggest.

If he’s not ready to be helped there’s no point wasting energy at this point, just make sure you are there when he’s ready.
At some point he’ll be able to understand everything you’ve done for him.

need professional help

this morning i kicked him out and he has gone off in his van

Kill two birds with one stone, call 101, explain the situation and report him for (inevitably) drink driving before he kills someone. Then hope that as part of the process he’s given some help.

Worst case he sobers up in a police cell, has his van crushed and that ceases to be an enabling factor in his drinking/lifestyle, but doesn’t kill someone.

I’m going through a sort of similar situation with my alcoholic father. I regularly get phonecalls from my stepmother saying I need to come and help / sort him out / she wants to kill him etc. etc.

This has been going on for maybe four or five years but has really got worse in the past year since he retired.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s nothing I can do to help – God knows I’ve tried – so now I’m just trying to distance myself from the whole mess. Callous perhaps, but I have no emotional attachment to my stepmother whatsoever, so they can get on with making each other unhappy for all I care. At least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself…

Kill two birds with one stone, call 101, explain the situation and report him for (inevitably) drink driving before he kills someone. Then hope that as part of the process he’s given some help

Big hope that, more likely he gets chucked in a cell for drink driving, with help a distant second priority.

+1 khani – you’ve done the only thing you could really, and your brother’s situation will probably only improve once he’s accepted he has a serious problem and needs help, or he hits rock bottom and does something that attracts the attention of an external agency (NHS, police etc). It’s a horrible situation, but he clearly needs some specialist help for addiction/mental health. Therapy at some point too, although not necessarily while he’s in a crisis situation. Good luck to you and him – I’m sure things will improve over time. Defo don’t be hard on yourself – you obviously care (even if he can’t see it), and doing nothing would probably only have dragged it out for longer, potentially damaging everyone involved even more.

I have seen this first hand – unless your brother can honestly admit he has a problem and make the decision to change, you can be as supportive as you like but it won’t truly help him. You are not to blame for any situation he gets himself into – you are not forcing him to drink. Whether you are present or not, all the negative outcomes you are worrying about can still happen as he is clearly not in the right place to make good decisions.

Much easier said than felt – but don’t feel guilty. When/if he is ever ready to change – be there for him. Whatever he has said he will know you are.

Big hope that, more likely he gets chucked in a cell for drink driving, with help a distant second priority.

True, but he’s not driving a 2ton van drunk. Might not improve his situation but minimizes collateral damage and possibly get’s him whatever limited state help is available.

I’ve a sister in law that apart from not being an alcoholic sounds very similar.
Very difficult person to be around, lying, sarcastic, jealous, threatening, very narcissistic, multiplied ten fold when alcohol plays its part.
She could start an row/fight in an empty room but it’s never ever her fault, will feel no remorse afterwards and will manipulate the story to her advantage afterwards.
My advice is to keep them at arms length, they will always try and drag whoever is around them to their level and then blame them for the outcome.

The thing you have to ask about people who act badly is why are they doing it?

OP I have posted on this topic before, perhaps even your thread. I’ve had a few friends and colleagues who have been alcoholics. My relationships with almost all of them have not lasted. Its just too hard. You are in a different and even more difficult position as he’s your brother, that makes it a million time harder. You are a wonderful brother to him, we can all see that from your posts but you absolutely cannot fix this. He needs professional help. You can help facilitate this but you cannot make it happen. In my view there is no way you should allow him to live with you.

Good luck, our thoughts are with you.

The thing you have to ask about people who act badly is why are they doing it?

Yes, but you also have to deal with them – are you suggesting the OP has been too harsh?

Dunno if you have any experience of dealing with alcoholics while they’re being all alcoholic-y, but they tend not to be that receptive to criticism and/or change.

The thing you have to ask about people who act badly is why are they doing it?

Mostly because they are ill.

You can remove all the enabling factors you like, an addict will find a way around it. Until that person is willing to seek treatment for their illness, there’s only so much you can do.

It took us threatening to cut off all contact with one family member for her to finally undergo proper treatment addressing the underlying cause of the depression/ addiction. It’s still a struggle, but at least she’s not destroying herself now.

…could i have done more and accepted the hardship it would cause me and my girlfriend in order to sort him out…(?)

A) it sounds like you already have done more, and accepted hardship.

B) i have no idea how to help your brother, i also have family members who are alcoholics, and the weird thing is that the kind of ‘help’ that might seem obvious, usually doesn’t help very much – see A.

your patience has lasted a lot, lot longer than mine. and you’re still feeling guilty. try not to.

Another thing people posting on this thread might find worth bearing in mind is that you do not instantly become an easily pigeonholed set of symptoms and actions simply because you have an alcohol problem..

People are still unique individuals, and their family dynamic will also be unique..

You did what you had to do OP.. I hope things get better for you all further down the line

People are individuals and their individual routes to addiction are unique but once their they are adicts and short of kidnap and detention until clear there is nothing you can do to force it . I know a pair of brothers who successfully did the kidnap route for heroin,but would not recommend it medically or legally.
You have done all you can , had you kept him at home you would have gone from helping to maintenance of his current state. Let him find his own route for a bit and be there ready to support when he is ready to deal with his daemon.

Yes, but you also have to deal with them – are you suggesting the OP has been too harsh?

No, this thread is a place for plain talking not insinuation. I’m saying that you need to help the cause not the symptoms. The shock treatment might work for some people in some situations, but not others. Which is why we can’t really give out any specific advice here really.

Sounds just like my brother. He’s been a total waster for the last 10 years.
Had a lovely wife / kids etc, but just carried on drinking, he had all the help he could get, even NHS rehab for 2 weeks recently and regular visits from helpers.
It finally got to the point where his wife had had enough of his drunkeness, so chucked him out.
2 days later, his best mate chucked him out. Then he got into a hostel for 5 days, then, amazingly, got offered a decent council flat.
All his stuff was delivered to him, a week ago, it is all still in the boxes, as he is either comatose, or drinking.
Total waste of time and energy trying to help him, so we’ve left him to stew in his own juices.
There are some people who cannot be helped, he sounds like one of them.

help the cause not the symptoms.

Which is fine if the addict in question isn’t poisoning the atmosphere around them.

The shock treatment might work for some people in some situations, but not others.

Not sure why you are describing this as shock treatment? The OP can’t deal with this anymore – has done a lot, but can’t do more.

I feel for you op, but what else can you do.
When he comes back, and admits he has a problem, then you can help.