About 2/3 of the way round my local loop there’s a pub with a lovely beer garden. I stop there whenever I can – I know the place like the back of my hand.

Leaving the bar with my pint this afternoon, I reached back without looking to close the door behind me. Instead of the door handle, I grabbed an old lady’s boob! I had no idea there was someone so close behind me. I was too stunned and embarrassed to say anything, and just stood there looking gormless. 😳

She laughed it off. Actually, I think I made her day… She winked at me later.

I drank up quickly and left, before I could cause any other misunderstandings. I rode home very fast as I needed a pee – no way was I risking a trip to the gents after that. My life is like a Carry On movie sometimes. Please tell me I’m not the only one.

You should have given her a little tweak 8)

I’m more frank spencer, careering down steep hills on grand pianos ‘n’shit

Good job you didn’t re-raise all in with a Sid James dirty laugh or a Kenneth Williams oooooooooooooohhhhhh!

Nah, I’m more Bernard Breslaw.

I was waiting to play badminton leaning over the viewing rail when someone came up behind me, reached round and grabbed my balls!!! The nice young lady was mortified when I turned round. She thought I was her boyfriend!

Tang, that’s classic!

When I was 13 I walked around a (blind) corner In school and went straight face first into a 6 formers boobs. Was the greatest moment in my life for a long time afterwards…

We stopped for a drink at The Duke William in the Wyre Forest after a ride once.
Like most beer gardens, the tables have got umbrellas poking up through them.
The little pin that goes through the umbrella pole to hold the umbrella in the up position was missing, so I improvised and used one of the allen keys on my multitool.
After we left, I realised I had left it behind, so I went back.
By that time, there were four girls sat at the bench.
I explained what had happened and apologised for leaving them without an umbrella.
As I leaned across the table to retrieve my multitool, in my skin tight lycra, one of them said “That’s an impressive tool”.
I burst out laughing, then soon realised I was the only one and they had completely missed the Sid James style innuendo.

On a flight to Hong Kong some years ago. Woke up from a sleep in my layback business class seat; stretched my arm out as you do only to find I was now stroking the thigh of the stewardess who was speaking to the person across the aisle.

we were climbing in the peak and a mate was on a route and we were shouting directions towards the big jug (large hold) we were shouting about the big jug and how he just needed to reach it and get his hands on it as we looked down to see 2 pairs of huge ones watching on…

Did you say “Awwwwwooooooogaaaaaaa” as you did it OP?

Please tell me you didn’t miss that chance?

Classic!! I remember being in Our Price (remember them?) with my girlfriend of the time. I started stroking what I thought was my girlfriends bum only to hear a female voice that wasn’t my girlfriends saying “I don’t think it’s my bum you want” (I had been doing it for a while). I literally didn’t know what to say and scuttled off frantically looking for my lass.

Instead of the door handle, I grabbed an old lady’s boob!

Did it make a sound like an old fashioned horn?

When I was very young (about 9) I was swimming at the local baths and I accidentally pulled someone’s bikini bottoms down with my crawl stroke.

Thinking about it, it might have been deliberate masquerading as accidental 8)

I once got a “Stop…Carry On” in a Jim McDonald stylee.

My gf once thought she was rubbing my back as we browsed in a bookshop, but it was actually the chest of a woman standing behind me

Around 2001 (I think) I was living in a caravan. There was a really bright comet passing and was keen to have look. I set my alarm for something like 2am and found my binoculars. It was summer and was hot so slept naked. Didn’t bother putting boxers on or anything as it was in the middle of the night, and who’d see me?

The day after I was chatting to my neighbour: –

“Hey, did you see the comet last night? Wasn’t it great!”
“Umm, yes we did”
“Yeah I set my alarm and watched it from my caravan door”
“Uhh, yes we saw you”
“Oh … sorry”

There I was, looking majestically up at the sky. In the nud. Bang in front of the neighbours window 🙁

Mrs M on Mt Etna in Sicily, early 1980’s, wearing a then-very-trendy boilersuit. (Think onesie for outdoors, but more practical, for you youngsters.) It was warm, so she wasn’t wearing anything under it except knickers.

Somehow a bumblebee go inside the boilersuit then stung her. Next moment Mrs M was dancing around nearly naked for the other tourists, flapping her clothes around to get rid of the bee.

Then there was the time I pretended to take a photo of her wearing just a towel around her waist. She responded by lifting the towel to cover her bosom, resulting in a photo of her naked from the waist down. She wasn’t amused.

Having been nominated to show a group of nursery children plus mothers around the station, I carelessly narrated the action of deploying the ASP baton with “all you have to do is give it a quick shake and it extends to three times its length”. Cue much sniggering among the yummy mummies, and a very red face for the young constable.