what you need is an assault course* to get into A&E with various ways to filter the patients.

A burger and cake kiosk at the entrance will stop all the fatties as they will be filling up on free food.

If they get past the kiosk they find an internet cafe with Singletrack on and a discussion about helmet use…..that’ll sort out the “extreme sports” types;

There will be a smoking shelter on route with a one way door and no ventilation so faggies can asphyxiate themselves;

and then you reach the bridge of doom, if you fall off the balance beam into the whirling blades of death, you were obviously too drunk and deserve to be burger meat and can re recycled at the kiosk for the fatties.

If get past that lot then welcome to the caring the arms of the NHS.

*there will be a more direct route for genuine ill folks and ambulance admissions (there will be a tight bit to prevent cunning lardybums sneaking in though)

Tazzy, that reminds me of a brilliant idea we had for making money for the NHS:

Turning half of our reception desk into a kebab outlet…. all the drunk people would love a kebab while they were waiting to be seen on a friday/saturday/sunday night, it’d make a killing.

(We also thought, to save on outlay, you could make the elephants leg from all the offcuts from theatre thus meaning minimal outlay on raw ingredients!)

Can’t we just filter out the unemployed. After all, it’s not like they’re contributing to society.

(We also thought, to save on outlay, you could make the elephants leg from all the offcuts from theatre thus meaning minimal outlay on raw ingredients!)

funnily enough long pig would probably be a better quality meat as well.

you could also use offcuts from DSU gyney for the pita breads

I don’t mind the people who have a few drinks and then fall over, trip up or otherwise injure themselves, they tend to be reasonably pleasant and usually apologetic for “wasting my time” (which they aren’t).

After my finals I and some mates went out for a beer or 2. After an all night party at someones house (no idea who) we decided it would be fun to try to climb trees, in a race stylee. Wasn’t the brightest idea. I nearly broke my ankle and my mate did break his wrist. We were so embarrassed about being a waste of medical staff’s time we went home self-diagnosing bad sprains. Next mornign we had to limp into A&E for X rays and the works, heads bowed, highly embarrassed (but forunately at a now less busy time). Only to have a camera shoved in our faces as C4 were doing a documentary on people wasting medical time etc. Could have died of embarrassment at that point, added to by the nurses calling us “conker boys”. 😳

I’d have charged us.

you could also use offcuts from DSU gyney for the pita breads

Excellent and Excellent.
ive said this for a long time.

While the NHS is part of what makes “GB” “G” (cliche tastic)

why the F should people pay for people who choose to hurt themselves?

the NHS should be maintained, but there should be a Black and White list of stuff you have to be insured to do, and any damage done by said activity should be billed.
stuff which is not part of daily life, and which you could live without (and be healthier)

Smoking
Drinking enough to get fighty (though this is a bit grey tbh, as accidents DO happen when people get wobbly, but getting fighty is not the same)
being FAT
riding deathtrapbicyclemachines

it gets my vote.

1+ for Dr Death

If people misbehave in AE they should be charged with some sort of public order offence and if drunk and abusive possibly an alcohol banning order

thank you young mr phillip, I shall endeavour to “come” to your next super sexy party

along with your list Olly….

riding motorbikes

driving cars over the speed limit or found to be at fault in an accident

taking drugs

drinking full-stop… it doesnt need to be part of daily life. alcohol is a poison.

martial arts

crossing the road at a non-designated area

having sex in awkward and possibly dangerous positions

jogging (bad for the knees you see)

pregnancy is self-inflicted, so unless a woman is made pregnant by force then she and her partner should have to pay.

using the computer too much causing damage to your eyesight

Gaming too much causing RSI in hands.

(i could go on and on and on 😈 )

Lets just do away with the NHS.