Bit of a ramble / rant this one so apologies upfront. I’m forty in four months and have been assessing my life to date. This has left me feeling slightly deflated.

The good points are that I love my wife and have a three year old son who is amazing. Other than that though, I feel like I have achieved and stand for nothing.

Never had a job that I like and have done what I need to do to pay the bills since I was sixteen. Started the OU in my late twenties, but gave up after a year. This was mainly down to working six days a week, twelve hours a day with overtime just to make ends meet at the time.

Used to be in good physical shape, but have gained two stone in two years and struggle to find time to exercise. I love cycling and unfortunately I’m down to one (soon to be no) bikes. I have only been out on the bike about five times this year and just do body weight exercises when able to. This has left me feeling not too great about myself.

Money has become tight due to my wife stopping work to raise Jr. This is something I accept and we both agreed that one of us would stay at home until he reaches school age. I know other people do it differently and it’s each to their own. What works for one doesn’t work for the other etc.

I’ve suffered with depression since my late teens and have had some pretty serious battles with it over the years. Been on medication for two years now and I’m looking to come off gradually over the coming months. I just feel that I’ve achieved nothing in forty years and I’m not sure what I do with the next forty (if I’m extremely lucky). Days just blend together in a groundhog style.

Anybody else felt / feel similar? I know this post comes across as whiny, First World problem, woe is me etc. so feel free to take the P.

Is it any consolation to learn that there are millions of us in the exact same boat?

Well indeed, as I approach 40 I’m left in the job I hate as a divorcee whom only sees his kid once a week and no longer communicates with family or old friends.
But still, I focus on my lad and how to be the best possible role model moving forward. I focus on my remaining friends and try to establish more meaningful relationships, and I fantacise about being as fit as I was a few years ago before it’s too late to ever be that fit again.

Give yourself a few targets/goals and as you reach benchmarks remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can – and that’s all that matters.

“Achieve” happiness, a loving relationship and a family.

Get out and exercise. You might feel it’s “cheating” your wife and child to have some fun time but it’s essential for your physical and mental wellbeing. No point in earning money to provide for them if you’re going to be too ill or short-lived.

Congrats on making the decision to have on stay-at-home parent too. I’m sure any sacrifices you’re making in the meantime will be worthwhile.

I’ve suffered with depression since my late teens and have had some pretty serious battles with it over the years. Been on medication for two years now and I’m looking to come off gradually over the coming months. I just feel that I’ve achieved nothing in forty years and I’m not sure what I do with the next forty (if I’m extremely lucky). Days just blend together in a groundhog style.

Yep, depression can be a real bastard at times, but just go and look at the little one, then come back and say you’ve achieved nothing.

What CaptainSQ said. Sorry I don’t have much more to add but I know how you feel. I was the same at around 37 but thing got miles better after I was 40!

You are not alone. There are plenty of people feeling the same way, some way more desperate than yourself.

At some point during the late 30’s through late 40’s most Men go through this feeling, there are tomes writ large about the trials and tribulations of parenthood and career paths for Men.

I’m not going to preach, but I think you could easily pick out one or two easy things to change. Diet & Exercise go hand in hand so that’s one. Plan some changes, tell the Wife and get her to contribute in some way, if she refuses or is ambivalent then just do it yourself since there is only you who can do anything material about it.

No idea about children nor upbringing, so I’ll leave that to others.

Career, well if you seek mental challenges then have you thought about retaking A levels or perhaps a Degree that includes one/two nights a week classes ? Choose a topic that is both interesting to you and challenging enough to warrant some devotion.

OP I think this is your depression talking.

Are you doing anything to overcome it? CBT, talking therapy, books?

Sorry, didn’t mean to turn my post into a ‘me’ post – was just trying to suggest that in similar cirscimatances, it’s more than ok to just do your best.

Also agree with cynic-al – CBT/mindfulness helps focus thought cycles in more positive directions

focus on what you have done and have. You have a wife? many many people are lonely. You have a child? many many people cannot concieve. You have a job that pays enough for you to support your family! you have a house! I could go on. you are being far too hard on yourself, take pleasure in the little things in life and get out on that bike more ffs.

See if your GP will give you a referral for talking therapy or CBT to aid you coming-off the meds. Talk to your wife and hopefully she’ll see your me-time for exercise is part of your therapy. Don’t get too obsessed about your career and what means success – when you’re 50 you’ll realise it’s all a load of bollox and that health and happiness are far more important.

Thanks for the replies guys. I’m taking medication for the depression. That and exercise are the two things that seem to work. I’m thinking of coming off the medication as I’m stuck on an emotional plateau of sorts. No extreme lows, but also no highs. Just a sort of emotionally neutral state.

Really want to get back to exercising on a more regular basis and think this is the place to start. Difficult as the young one still doesn’t sleep well. We had some pretty serious health issues in the first year and a bit. This resulted in one of us always being with him. He still wakes if left alone. It’s slowly getting better though.

I’m trying to concentrate on him and the missus. She’s had quite a few physical complications after child birth and emotional trauma from the aforementioned issues. I’m paying for her to go to the gym and she has counseling and CBT. This takes up a lot of my free time outside of work.

Guess I’ve over indulged at Christmas, back at work tomorrow and just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

From the sounds of all that, CBT is likely to be very beneficial for you. You do also need to find some time for you.

I’m thinking of coming off the medication as I’m stuck on an emotional plateau of sorts. No extreme lows, but also no highs.

Is that not what the medication is supposed to do?Its meant to keep you on level ground as opposed to up and down?

I am only asking you as i have had a lot of experience caring for sufferers.

Sounds to me like the meds alone are not quite doing enough.

I was very much in your shoes last year, at 46, but it had been building up for a few years before. Seemed to be going balls out to pay the bills in a job I was hating, to create the chance for my wife and I to juggle child care while she was part time, and seeing nothing in it for me in the short or long term. To the point of thinking that they, and the world in general, would be better off without me.

3 months off work, a low dose of Citalopram, some CBT from the NHS, some counselling via the work support scheme, switching part time roles with my (much better paid) wife, and I’m in a much better place now. Work is still not ideal but have been very supportive, out of work is probably more hectic being the part time house husband, but I have a much better handle on me, my worries, my job and my family life.

And you know what, all those people I had been comparing myself to, with bigger houses, better cars, better salaries and better careers, they have ALL, without exception, said that they would love to be able to swap their lives for the one I have now.

It only sank in a few days ago comparing where I was this time last year (wondering if I would see 2017, and if not, how the end might occur) and where I am now – making plans for 2017 for me and the family.

Have to say the support of people on here to similar threads has helped me no end, plus a sympathetic GP and boss, and a wife who was willing to step up to enable me to make the lifestyle changes I’ve needed to get things back in perspective.

This time next year I intend being in a similar situation, but without the meds, and starting to plan upping my hours again when youngest goes to secondary.

Go talk to your GP about what you want/need to do. Ask on here. See if work can help you. Learn to appreciate all that you have. It will fall into place. It just might not be the place you expected it to be.

It will be alright in the end. If it’s not alright, then it isn’t the end.

Is that not what the medication is supposed to do?Its meant to keep you on level ground as opposed to up and down?

You are completely correct, but after two years I want to see how I’ll be without them. I don’t like the emotionally numb feeling and feel I at least need to try returning to me (hope that makes sense? ).

I think approaching my GP regarding CBT may be an avenue I’ll explore. Once again thanks for the responses.

I turned 40 a couple of months back. I chose to substantially ignore it as a milestone, although I got a couple of extra nice presents it’s ultimately just a bloody number and a date in the calendar. If you have that kind of mindset where you can keep it quiet and not make a fuss yourself and your wife will support that then this might help.

On the other stuff I see lots that’s been achieved hidden in your posts (a lot around family in particular).

Do you really have to lose the last bike? If biking helps you feel good I’d cling to that with a vice like grip.

Since the (not at all) big day I have succumbed to a gym membership (£20/month) to kick off the new year and I have an urge to challenge myself with some kind of physical target/challenge for next year. ****’d if I know what at this point but in total contrast to my first paragraph I want to do something this year!

I don’t like the emotionally numb feeling and feel I at least need to try returning to me

As a fellow previous user of Citalopram I would get the bike exercise up and going while making progress elsewhere before you start reining it back. You should also get your GP to give you a weaning off programme when you ask for the CBT. The aim is to get things functioning with the help of the drugs before you start coming off.

It’s probably not what you want to hear but slow and steady will ensure you stay off rather than needing to go back again in short timespan. (Guess what I did).

What sandwich said.

If you’re not done anything other than meds then the issues are unlikely to have gone away.

I too speak from experience.

I have the weaning program from the doc to start mid Jan. 40,20 rinse and repeat for two weeks, then back to Doc to check on progress. Think I’ll take note of some of the advice and try to get exercise back on track, talk about CBT before starting to wean off.

None of us have cured cancer, most if us have not won gold medals, represented our sporting country, become millionaires, have a celebrity lifestyle, drive 100k plus cars. Stop reading Facebook, Twitter, any of the others, even some of these posts. They are mostly lies or a screen for unhappiness. Enjoy your young child, who by the way at moment see’s you as a Spiderman, Superman, Hulk type figure. Enjoy your cycling, walking, running etc outdoor life with your family. Try to do the more enjoyable parts of your work and the minimum amount possible for the bits you don’t enjoy. Have a laugh with mates socially once a week.

Welcome to mid-life crisis central, I have a well worn t-shirt you can have! 😉

Us depression sufferers deal with depression as best we can in different ways, my only advice is don’t get rid of the bike if you enjoy cycling, unless of course you have a replacement bike ordered. 😈

If you have a chat with your partner you might find she’s very supportive of you prioritising your fitness.
Oddly that doesn’t need to mean you spend less time on the other things that matter in your life, if you do it with determination and encouragement you manage to find that extra time.
And the world seems a better place for you and those around you.