Have just got off the phone to the beaver lady (cubs/scouts) as my son is going to hopefully start next week, she ended the conversation saying he needs to bring 10p to feed the beaver… I said sorry I dint quite catch that she repeated yes he needs to bring 10p to feed the beaver…she then caught on and said yes its for a drink and a biscuit…I was literally trying not to p 155 myself…she was none the wiser at her 10p to feed the beaver quote she obviously is as clean as the driven snow unlike me…when I fed the beaver it cost me a bottle of wine and I didn’t get a drink or a biscuit I ended up with two children !

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Near Chipping here in Lancashire we have the Bowland Wild Boar Park where they offer chick stroking. I can’t ride past without thinking wistfully of those old days.

genuine LOL. filthy mind at work there I think!

Reminds me of the time my deputy at work (a loveable, if slightly irascible, 50-something South African woman) announced that she was going to fist her son’s girlfriend.

When I finally managed to compose myself (took me about 20 minutes), I had to gently explain that the word “fist” has connotations beyond “punch” when used in that context.

Time to wheel him out…

A couple of years ago, I was with a dear friend and her two young sons for lunch at a village pub. The pub had one of those multi-game fruit machine thingies in it, and the boys wanted to play.

I’m a nice chap, so I gave them each a pound to go and play.

I then saw the game they had chosen to play. One which involved making impact with a simian to facilitate its flight to a distance.

So, I politely informed my friend that I’d just given each of her two sons a pound to spank the monkey.

*Edit – Re the ‘fist’ comment – Was in a smart London pub once with a American friend, she received a drink while already holding one. Unlike the British, who might say, “I appear to be double parked” at such an instance, she used an American term for the same. Just in a lull in the conversations around us, she proudly announced, “Oh my god, now I’m double fisting”.
There was mirth aplenty.

drunken night out at uni- me and a mate went back to a flat with some girls
one of them was drinking out of a mug that said ‘I love Beavers’ (she was a beaver scout leader) cant remember exactly what happened but thanks to my mate finding it totally hillarious a sure thing ended up being another night with the lads hitting the bong

I used to work for an agency called the Beaver Bureau.

My lads first night as a Beaver Scout he won the weekly prize for swot of the week, and when I arrived to collect him he proudly showed me the cuddly toy beaver that was his for the week.

I was so choked with pride and emotion that all I could was “Nice beaver!” in my best Leslie Neilson voice.

Allthe waiting dads tried not to laugh, all the waiting mums hated me.

Strangely, when we got home and he showed his mum she said exactly the same. One day he’ll understand for himself….

Double post. 🙁

The lady that runs the Beavers where my daughter goes insists that the children call her mouse and the parents have to call her mouse in front of the children, thing is if there is one animal she looks nothing remotely like it is a friggin mouse more like an animal with a trunk!

So, I politely informed my friend that I’d just given each of her two sons a pound to spank the monkey

Just realised what an interesting quote that is if taken out of context 😀

Anyway, in my student days I once saw fit to send a valentine to an attractive girl, containing a lovingly constructed poem, as follows:

“Roses are red
My monkey is too
I’d like you to spank it
Until it turns blue”

Incredibly it had the desired effect, in that I gained access to the Beaver’s Lodge, albeit not with the lady in question but with her mate who was obviously more culturally informed and appreciated the efforts of a true wordsmith.. 8)

My friend to his Mother in Law to Bem Brasil in Manchester for a meal for her birthday.

She then proudly proclaimed to all her friends, how he haid paid for her to have a brazilian for her birthday. 😳

“Oh my god, now I’m double fisting”.
There was mirth girth aplenty.

at my daughter’s Brownie pack, when a new Brownie is invested the parents waiting at pick up are invited in to share in the short ceremony, which involves the new brownie making her Brownie promise. then 3 cards are drawn at random from a pile; each has a brownie song on it.

At a recent investment one such card was ‘Auntie Monica’. All was going well until about the fourth verse, when me and one of the other Dad’s nearly died of asphyxia due to suppressed giggling.

**
Oh! I had an Auntie
An Auntie Monica
And when she goes out shopping
They all go “Oo la la!”

Because her hat is swaying (brownies make motion of a hat swaying
Her hat is swaying so
Because her hat is swaying
Her hat is swaying so

Oh! I had an Auntie
An Auntie Monica
And when she goes out shopping
They all go “Oo la la!”

Because her feather’s swaying (make action of a feather boa swaying)
Her feather’s swaying so
Because her feather’s swaying
Her feather’s swaying so

Oh I had an Auntie….

Because her muff is swaying…

Because her skirt is swaying…

When my lad joined Beavers a few years ago (Cubs now) I took him on the first night. The troop leader was a formidable grey haired lady with a name badge announcing “Red Beaver”. I was proud of my restraint.

On another occasion I was working on a project at a previous company that employed several external consultants. As the festive season approached a particularly distinguished gentleman who had the misfortune to sit behind us picked up the phone and uttered the immortal words, “Hello, I wonder if you can help. I am looking to give my wife a pearl necklace this Christmas.” He was genuinely confused by the helpless hilarity that surrounded him. It took a long time to regain our composure. 🙂

I was once in a business meeting with a *very* attractive woman that I had always had a thing for. We were discussing the required capacity of the folder I was designing for her business and she referred to it as ‘my gusset’ several times during the meeting. Each time I got redder and redder. And redder.

She knew what she was doing though – clearly loved leading me on and embarrassing me.

Hmmm, happy memories….

At work a while back, an attractibe young lady got in the lift holding a cup of coffee in each hand.

‘Sorry’, she said, ‘I can’t press the button because I’m double teaming’

A straight face could not be maintained

drinks you say?

Once in a corner shop, I pulled out a handfull of change to pay for some item and in the middle of the cash was a 1 1/2″ x 8 wood screw. Without thinking, I asked the lady serving if she’d take a screw but she seemed to get very angry, so I had to change a note.