Who’s got a funny story about farting, one you’ve dropped or people close to you or you’ve overheard in public, private or wherever?
Prize for the funniest.

Once me and my mate travelled down to Seven Oaks camping, as 19yr olds. We set our tent up and sat surveying the site when 2 young ladies starting setting their tent up next door. They were having trouble and one of them sheepishly wandered over to ask for our help. I obliged and while bending over to pick one of the rods up accidently let off a right ripper. My mate falls back in the tent laughing his head off. I started giggling too, the two young ladies standing downwind from me were not impressed, lol, faces like thunder! I put their tent up and scarpered pronto.

My girlfriend is a documentary maker and theres been more than one occasion where people have wandered off to the gents with a radio mic still attached. Luckily (for them not her) it was only transmitting to her headphones

^^^

That’s brilliant.

A mate of mine sharted whilst on the phone to his mother..

My 94 year old neighbour comes in for new years day dinner every year, she’s a real character, some amazing stories.

Anyway last year she was talking away, let rip (I don’t think she realised!), my 13 year old daughter sticks her head up from her phone, shouting ‘DAD!’ assuming it was yours truly, wife goes beetroot, auld yin keeps talking throughout this whole episode.

How I never buckled, I’ll never know! 🙂

I was walking through town a few years ago behind some old bloke who was shuffling along. He stopped, leant against a shop window and let rip with a thunderous fart and then said “bugger me” and carried on shuffling down the street.

I was on a night out with my flatmate and a couple of girls we knew in a student bar. The girls all went to the toilet and I lifted a cheek and let rip with a massive fart just as the music stopped. Everyone in the bar was laughing and the girls walked back in wondering why I was getting high 5’s off various people.

While taking our Boris-appoved exercise the other day, with a walk through the woods, Mrs Binners was telling me how the lack of traffic noise etc has led to a change in the way blackbirds are singing. There were obviously quite a few in the trees around us so she decided she was going to record the sights and sounds of this idylic woodland orchestra for posterity.

I couldn’t help myself….

She captured a few seconds of beautiful, tuneful birdsong, followed by what sounded like someone slowly tearing a heavy velvet curtain in half, then me giggling

She was not impressed

Probably time for an admission.    About 18 months ago, one of our two cats died.  The other took to sleeping between us on a dedicated cushion.  In fact thats where he spends all of his time now apart from pooping and eating – he’s 16.

From time to time, he farts.  Sometime silent, and sometimes with a low whistle.  Its quite funny, but it really stinks. Anyway so about a year ago I had a dodgy stomach and let one go, it was terrible and didn’t smell “human” at all so of course, I blamed it on the cat.   This was accepted, so as various times over the year and with careful consideration to over repeating the issue, but also bearing in mind my missus has witnessed him farting I’ve continued to blame it on the cat, and been getting away with it, a lot.

It backfired on me 2 weeks ago – the day before lockdown was his annual MOT.  Despite being 16 he passed as one of the healthiest cats the vet had ever seen, upon which comment Mrs K felt obliged to mention the farting to the vet.

So, I’m now paying for some very expensive cat food that would have seen a whole industrial sized box of Yankee candles to cover my excuses be far kinder to my wallet, for a cat that has a minor once a week whistling arse.

Okay, and in the spirit of not posting about you know what. Back in the 80s, I was in a very famous TV show. Actually, no. I was working for a while as casual stage crew (lowest of the lowest of the low) at Leeds Playhouse. The main joke amongst the crew was farting, basically, with some prolific exponents of the (f)art.

Anyway there’d been a production of the play “golden girls” set in the world of women’s athletics. Quick google: this – https://theatricalia.com/play/gz/golden-girls/production/20r must’ve toured. It was funny enough that the crew, who did not much resemble athletes, had to dress in athletic kit when going on to make changes (skimpy, shiny 80s kit).

Anyway, end of act 2, a couple of members of the crew go on just before the lights fall, taking hold of bits of kit to take off stage before lights go up for the next scene. One fateful night this happens as usual, crew on, lights go down. When in the dark one of them releases a rip-roarer of such volume and ferocity it ricochets drowning conversation in row Z or whatever and bounces off the back wall. The lights come back up to reveal scenery unmoved, and two members of crew doubled up with laughter on the stage.

(this is such a bad thing to happen in front of an audience I find myself wondering now if it really happened like that. Memory eh?)

Graham Norton Show

An old fella I used to work with was visiting a friend in hospital with his wife.
After visiting said friend they decided not to take the lift back to the ground floor but take the stairs. Apparently he had been brewing one while in the ward and couldn’t keep it in any longer. Just as he was letting rip he heard footsteps coming up the stairs towards them. Before they saw who it was he dashed through a door onto another ward and left his wife walking down.
Apparently it was a doctor carrying his clipboard and from the look he gave the wife he was pretty disgusted with her, and she went bright red!
Needless to say my mates wife gave him a right bollocking.

I’ve spent the last year apologising to my newish girlfriend for (occasionally) stinky farts as well as being generally paranoid about potentially smelly feet / pits etc, doubly so at the moment as she’s living with me due to the CV-19 lockdown.

Today, like literally ten minutes ago, she revealed to me that she has no sense of smell…

Mrs Scape and I were taking our seats at a well-known curry house in Bradford. As we settled she let go a short, sharp audible fart. I looked at her with surprise, she blushed ever so slightly and we both thought she’d got away winth it when one of the lads on the table behind her said “we’ll you can tell you two are married!”

I may have occasionally dropped a pretty rank number in a shop, then scurried away to leave the wife to take the blame.
Dropped a dirty one in the van when picking up the youth from school one day, wife arrives with her friend (and child in tow) and asks if we can drop them off on the way. …… i blamed that on an egg sandwich

Today, like literally ten minutes ago, she revealed to me that she has no sense of smell…

Match made in heaven 🙂

Timely thread! I’m just back from a walk to the local shopping centre (successful too) – while leaving I was walking through the large, echoing and apparently deserted atrium so decided I had to make the most of the situation and popped one out to enjoy the reverb. As I got closer to the exit out pops a security guard to tell me they’d locked that exit and I should use the other way out. No other comment, but there was no way he didn’t hear me.

Primary school, production of Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator. I played Grandpa George. During the scene where Grandparents were all in bed together, nerves got the better of me. Incredible noise, much amusement amongst parents and fury from the teacher in charge of the play. Blamed Grandma Georgina, who I hated, got away with it 🙂

Who was the forumite who’s kid on the first day of school said “Miss, pull my finger…”

I worked with a chap who was in the supermarket an let one drop. What was expected as a crop dust became code brown. Unable to continue his shop, he nipped to the loo and removed his soiled undies, dropped them in the loo and flushed… He left the store moments after as the gents loo flooded. Then had to explain to workmates why he had returned empty handed from the milk/tea/cake run… 😂😂😂

someone slowly tearing a heavy velvet curtain in half

Pmsl

Coming back to work from a 2hr pub lunch break, just before I got out of the lift I let one go. My mate had to carry on for 6 more floors to his one with just my beer fuelled fart for company. Although it did stop mid way to let more people on, who gave him dirty looks!

Many a year ago took a trip to the new girlfriend’s (now wife) eledery nan on a several hour drive from Newcastle to Fife.

Lovely day was had by all (relatively).

On the way home started feeling one brewing no lot long after setting off.
After several hours in the back of the car between the girlfriend and her mother was absolute agony.

Was never more glad than to finish the journey with an aching stomach as I got out the car.

Thought get in there saved myself an embarrassment there. Bent over to get something out the boot, yep wasn’t quiet and it wasn’t short lived.

Got the dirtiest look from her mother but all I could say was “better out here than in the car”

I heard a good story on the radio once. A nurse had been eating her Christmas meal including sprouts. The day after she was helping in surgery while a doctor was carrying out an abdominal operation. Just after he’d finished and sewn the stomach up she dropped one that reeked so much that the surgeon panicked and started shouting ‘Oh my God, I’ve cut the bowel!’ and opened the patient up again. She was too embarrassed to say anything.

Having had Diverticulitis for the last 3 weeks I can say with complete confidence Never ever trust a fart
💩💩💩

Myself and a then girlfriend somehow ended up going to a wedding of someone we hardly knew (I didn’t know them at all and she hadn’t seen the bride since school)

The night before we went for an all you can eat Mexican and made damn sure we got our money’s worth. Frankly that was a very poor bit of forward planning. Things were not good on the morning of the wedding and she was suffering he most. The service was really long and there was a lot of ‘please stands’ and ‘please be seated’ that weren’t helping her keep a lid on things.

At the end of the service we all filed out into the churchyard for a bit of a mingle before heading off to the reception. This was her chance. “Don’t follow me!” she whispered as we stepped out side and she scurried  off to a quiet corner of the church yard. But everywhere she went some kind soul would see her on the own and feel honour bound to approach and make polite conversation. She kept trying to escape but someone else would keep joining her for a chat every time she got out of ear shot. Struggling now she spotted a small family group with an old and not very well looking man in a wheelchair, so unable to stand alone anywhere she decided to sidle up and stand behind him and let one drop. Successful as a strategy –  but later she was sent the only photo from the wedding that photographer has managed to capture of her which was of the family group and old man and her see over his shoulder with a far away and deeply thoughtful expression on her face.

A few years back we were sat outside the First and Last House at Land’s End enjoying an ice cream.

My wife and three kids were sitting at a picnic bench and because there wasn’t enough room, I was sitting, by myself, at an adjacent bench. I shifted position on the bench to make myself more comfortable and let rip with a completely unanticipated air biscuit.

It was so loud that I imagined the lighthouse keeper at the Longships, a mile and a half away, tapping the controls of his foghorn as though there had been some malfunction.

In the immediate aftermath, I immediately looked up, directly at my wife, to gauge her reaction. The kids all did the same, snapping their heads round to look at her to see what she would say, while sniggering.

Unfortunately, these looks were instantly misconstrued by the dozens of other tourists surrounding us who all began to stare accusingly at my wife and mutter to each other under their breath,.My wife instantly made matters worse by blushing to the roots of her hair.

I was left with no option other than to front it out and also pretend that she was the offender.

She will never, ever forgive me for that.

Quite timely given I shit myself today.

Came back from the workshop yesterday feeling light headed thanks to a combo of drink and drugs.

Felt rotten last night. Fell asleep on the lounge floor wearing my work clobber.

Woke this morning with a dicky gut. Long wet runny farting and shitting on and off all day.

Got to the workshop to pick up some gear and thought I’ll just have a quick piss and followed through.

My pants are rinsed and drying off and I’ve gone commando.

livin’ the dream

Mumsnet = STW

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3865691-Where-is-the-worse-place-you-have-farted

On dh’s penis whilst spooning is up there with my worst.

😮

Ex wife (tracy) and i were walking between 2 houses and there were a group (maybe 6-8) youths hanging around, so as we were passing i let out a ripper and immediately glared at her and said “tracy, for **** sake” in a scolding tone.
Cue immediate laughter from the youths, and a few years later, a divorce 😂😂😂

A night of curry and lager midweek was followed the following morning by a lazy bike ride into work in Didcot. No one around on a warm still morning so as I waited at the crossing opposite Aldi I just let out a silent but paint stripping beauty. Enjoying it to the full I suddenly realised a young couple and their small child had just walked out of the path by the bushes and joined me waiting for the lights to change. Child says “Mummy what’s that terrible smell?”
Mummy is embarrassed. Daddy is giggling and I had to give little chuckle.

Crazy times.

A producer I used to work with was camping in a field next to a pub after a wedding he and his girlfriend had attended. He’d had a skinful and woke in the night desperate for a shit. Crawling out of the tent he farted as his girlfriend sat up behind him pebble-dashing her. It hit her square in the face  and sprayed most of the tent too. There were no facilities in the field so she could only wipe what she could off her. They bundled up the tent and everything in it and she drove them home still reeking.

A few years after he’d told me the story I was on a job in Frankfurt and for some reason was recounting the story to the rest of the crew, most were reacting as you might expect but the photographer wasn’t saying anything. When I finished she confirmed it had all happened as I described, she’d been his girlfriend at the time!

I knew at the back of my mind that they’d both once worked for the same company but I’d no idea they’d ever been in a relationship. Neither had ever mentioned it to me before then. She then went on to tell us all that they’d already sold the car and it was being picked up by the new owner the following week. After he’d driven off they’d realised the tent was still in the boot.

I started going to bootcamp a couple of years ago and as the newbie was trying to make friends and a good impression. I can’t remember what I’d had for lunch but as the session progressed it decided it wanted in on it. At first it was manageable because the session involved lots of shuttle runs and chance to sneak one out away from the exercise area.

But it wasn’t to last…the 5 minute ab blast saw to that. The sit ups and crunches were controlled but when we got to ‘throwdowns’ – where you lie on your back, a partner stands either side of your head, you grab their ankles, and raise your legs to them. They then throw them away and you use your abs to stop them hitting the floor.

It’s not possible to control your sphincter and simultaneously and suddenly tense your abs. Something had to give, and give it did. Being military folk, the instructor sprang to attention and several people formed an honour guard, thinking the blast on the arsetrumpet was heralding the arrival of royalty.

I certainly made an impression

I got locked in the book cupboard at school for my stinky farts 😊. & one time I Dutch ovened me & my girlfriend. She laughed so much she had to use her inhaler 🤣

Jeez, this one takes me back. It’s winter 1985 and I’m studying at the University of Marburg on an exchange programme. On my floor of the Halls of Residence there are four or five fellow English students, a couple of Americans and a young Canadian lass who I was keen to get to know better. There was a shared kitchen on each floor and one Saturday evening we offered to cook egg and chips for anybody who was interested. Four of five of us spent a happy afternoon and evening feeding about twenty people of mixed nationalities. Notably we couldn’t get the chip oil very hot, and so the chips were a bit greasy, and some of the eggs stuck to the pan but we disposed of those by eating them. We got through several cases of the local brew between us all and generally had a great evening.

The weather was bitterly cold, so once we had tidied up the kitchen, four of us retired to my room ( I had a borrowed TV) and we snuggled up under my duvet to watch it. It looked like my the luck was in as the delightful Canadienne Karen joined me along with Tony from my uni back home, and a girl from Essex he was getting on very well with. About ten minutes into this cosy scene I felt a fart brewing.

Now, the rooms in Adolf Reichwein Haus weren’t massive. Typical hall type room with a single box bed, enough room to walk past it to the desk under the window. Emboldened by the beer I decided I would try and sneak it out. I was sitting on the bed with my back against the wall and my legs drawn up so there was little chance of any reed effect, or so I reasoned. I therefore relaxed.

Far from being silent it was a loud honking guff. Not just a little bit noisy, but disturbingly so. What’s more it was of huge duration, at least two to three seconds, not helped by the fact that I kind of laughed, despite desperately trying not to.

There was a stunned silence. My flawed reasoning kicked in again, as I thought “Well, the big loud ones don’t tend to smell very much……” but Tony broke the spell by shouting “****ing Hell Dave, you can tell you’ve been eating eggs!” and we were all driven out of the room where we stood gasping for air in the corridor outside.

When my wife was expecting our first child we were lying in bed one night and I farted, it smelled so bad she shot out of bed and went and spewed down the lavy, one of my prouder moments!

Too many to mention as toilet humour is the foundation of basic humour in my family. Always has, always will be. Usually I don’t get smelly wind, it’s more pitch, tone or longevity that makes you laugh. However, the other day, and I don’t know what the food and beverage ingredients were so I may never replicate it, I left the shower after a run and farted before leaving. It was a bit burny. After I got dressed I went back to hang my towel and was hit with a stench that smelt like out of date giblets that had been set on fire. Got to have been five minutes. Now that’s a sticky stench.

There was this one time, in the work car, just me and the DI…..

Did the Canadian remain interested?

There was this one time, in the work car, just me and the DI…..

Now if there was ever an argument for Social Distancing…