That thought hung in the air for a while
Not just the thought that hung in the air for a while I’d wager.
My wife regularly tells me in the morning, that she's had to check under the duvet that I haven't shit myself during the night.
Never have, by the way - just have a knack of producing some particularly rich efforts!
I think she's trying to deflect the blame!
An old mate of mine was wearing white 501s (remember those?) back in the 90s whilst we were in a nightclub. He accidentally sharted himself whilst trying to win the affection of a girl. The lights on the dance floor were those ones that show up white things really well. It was wretched.
Skiing holiday in Bulgaria, a nightclub, a group of girls and a group of guys, both groups interested a pile of beer and perhaps a drunken hook-up. Enter my mate Billy, who after initially throwing some moves then produces the kind of stench that only 4 days of living on Bulgarian stew and bad ale can produce. He literally emptied the dance floor.
Same mate, same holiday. 11am, in a small gondola going up the mountain, the windows small, our group of 4 and 1 other couple, Billy’s arse drops again. No sound, just a silent rising of the stench of death. The colour drains from the couples face and coughing starts. One of my mates tries to throw up out of the window, he fails and so throws up into the gondola. This didn’t help the mood or the smell.
And ,less impressively, I farted as I left the house one morning and made next doors cat jump about 3 foot in the air.
Farted in bed except it wasn't a fart and it was directed towards the wife as I was on my side lol
Some 20 years ago (my god), I worked as half of the IT department for a civil engineering company. My colleague - let's call him Matt, because that was his name - and I were mates outside of work long before we worked together.
One night Matt came over to my house for a few drinks. I made home-made fajitas and we downed a fairly heroic amount of ale. The morning after, the beers and spicy food decided to make their presence known.
We were fortunate enough to share a fairly sizeable office on our own at work, and we spent the morning deflating and turning the air brown. The sort of farts that are so bad that you can't stand the smell of your own, voluminous and frequent, fuelled by several pints of Theakston's Finest Eggy and extra-chillied El Paso. The sort of farts that could kill small children. People walking past the office outside were variously recoiling in horror with their eyes bleeding, going "Jesus Christ, what's that ****ing smell?"
Handily we had the perfect cover story. Our office was next to the gents. "Oh, it's coming from next door" we lied, convincingly.
Too convincingly, as it turned out. Come early afternoon, a very nice man from Dynorod turned up. The poor sod spent all afternoon taking all the bogs to bits trying to trace the source of the aroma of dead gardener. Oops.
A mate got me with the classic "just one more thing" when getting out of a lift and the doors closing.
Was in the queue at the local bank branch and needed to let rip. Couldn't escape so just tried to let it out slowly so I could blame it on the dog in the queue (with owner). Failed. It was one of those high pitched ones that just carry on going. Was about to say sorry to everyone but thanks to the acoustics of the place no-one could tell where it had come from! The staff were nervously looking around to spot the culprit, even the owner of the dog turned to me and the person behind and said 'where the hell did that come from?'. Got to the counter and the staff were all blaming a little old granny!!
Thankfully didn't smell so no lingering crime scene.
Not mine, but a story I've never forgotten from the B3ta newsletter:
"I am 23, staggering in to the kitchen of my family home, fighting a hangover. I am wearing my trusty towelling dressing gown, and nothing else. I open the fridge door, with my back to the rest of the kitchen. I thought I was alone. I feel a rumbling. "Ah, I feel a little windy-pop a-rising!" I happily sing to myself, looking forward to the gas release relief. I squeeze a little - too hard in hindsight - and out pops a slimy, booze endued jobbie, right on the kitchen floor. I am slightly taken a back by this, but not overcome. That was until I shut the fridge door, turn around and see my Mum, Dad, Uncle, Auntie, Sister, Gran and Grandpa sitting quietly having tea and toasted crumpets." (T-Bone Sorbet Jnr)
Was in the cellar fixing bikes this morning. The missus comes down from her office on the second floor, makes eye contact, audibly squelches one out, s****s, then returns back to the office.
That's a lot of stairs, just to cropdust.
Worst thing was, it smelled like one of her dad's efforts
Lad* on the school bus one morning called out
'Hey lads. Listen to this'
And promptly shatted his pants.
*Wasn't me. I'd be honest enough to own up.
Today, like literally ten minutes ago, she revealed to me that she has no sense of smell…
How does she taste? 😁
My youngest got a house point from Mr Kent for “the loudest fart I’ve ever heard come out of a child”.
I had a mate who shit himself unconscious....
I'm glad this thread got bumped, rereading it has given me a right laugh. Thank you.
I had a mate who shit himself unconscious….
Hang on hang on.
He shit himself whilst unconscious, or he fell unconscious from shitting? One of those two probably needs medical attention.
I had a mate who shit himself unconscious….
Unconscious? Wow! I've had some sessions but....
Strained that hard due to being bunged up with pizza, beer and laxitives that he blacked out.... then it all let go.
Many moons ago whilst working in a LBS I felt a mild rumbling in my gut. As I had many times before I wandered over to a corner of the shop and started tidying whilst letting one drift gently out. On this occasion though it seemed I was opening a portal to a sewer dimension. The largest fart I had ever done literally just fell out of my arse. There was no hiding this one, it would have seated a full fat tyre and it smelled like a sewage plant had exploded. The toxic cloud made its way through the shop, prompting my colleague to dry heave and run to open the doors even though it was mid winter and the shop had no heating. I went through the workshop and opened the back door to let some air flow through the shop. Unfortunately it was a completely still day so not even a slight breeze to help us.
Maybe 15 minutes later a customer walked in. I'd gotten used to the smell so thought it had almost cleared. The customer immediately asked my colleague "blocked drain?". "No" replied Andy, "Allan farted". I went and hid until the customer had gone. Oh, the shame.
Who was the stw'er who had a kid who on first day of school said 'pull my finger Miss...' 😆
I cleared out a block of classrooms at high-school once. We were all lined up outside each classroom waiting for the teachers to unlock the doors and I unleashed a (thankfully silent) diarrhea fart. You could see it's progress wafting down the hallway by the startled kids bailing for the exits. Goddamn that was a vile, sulfurous stench.
Did a similar thing on a ride about 15 years ago. We were at the top of the hill all set to go and I unleashed a nasty hangover fart. My mate got a whiff and pedaled off to escape but there was a breeze going in our direction at just the perfect speed so we were in a fart bubble for about 50 meters before we hit fresh air. So we finished the ride and stopped for a beer and burgers sitting outside. I unleashed another one which stunk so bad my mate was dry retching. Outside. With a breeze blowing. Very proud of that effort.
My youngest got a house point from Mr Kent for “the loudest fart I’ve ever heard come out of a child”.
Proud dad moment!
I was walking down the stairs in a large Victorian school all alone (I'm the caretaker) and farted out the longest fart EVER! It was so long that it lasted 2 flights of stairs. Seriously thrice as long as any effort before or since! I couldn't believe it and was laughing out loud in astonishment as I pushed the fire door open to find a teacher stood at the bottom underneath the balcony that opens onto the stairs above.
I was in a group of teachers receiving awards outside in Toorak, Melbourne, we'd had a heavy sesh and barbie the night before and I thought I could subtly sneak one out. It was a hot day with still air and I produced an immobile miasma. It was so ghastly the bloke next to me said very loudly 'it wasn't me', I was reduced to tears of embarrassed laughter and squirmed when I got my certificate.
I'm not sure why this popped into my YouTube feed, either because I love farting, or it's just round the corner from where I live!
Quite sweary btw.
The night workers in the warehouse at the current place I'm at play Fartleships at night. The racking is 10 aisles deep with each aisle having 14 bays so easy to make into a grid. If someone drops one then everyone who hears it has to call out a reference number (5:4 is aisle 5 bay 4 for example). The difficulty is that the place is rather echoey so hard to pinpoint a noise a lot of the time. If you get hit there are forfeits but I haven't had the courage to ask what they are!
When I was a junior doctor, I would sometimes drop a stinker so bad (on the wards) that the nurses would mutter "or Mr X has soiled himself again..>" and gather up the kit to go clean him up.
I didn't have the decency to stop them and admit it was me.... eek!
DrP
Resurrection of this thread has made this Friday a much better day.
On holiday in Italy we were staying in an old town house on the 3rd floor. The lift was barely large enough for two people. On the way back from our meal my then girlfriend (now my Wife) was walking unusually quickly through the streets with me struggling to keep up. We'd both managed a fair few drinks. As soon as we got in the lift and the doors shut she let an enormous one go. She'd held it in all the way back from the restaurant so she could release it in the confines of the lift for my enjoyment only. It was then I knew she was a keeper!
Heading out to sea on a dive boat, gorgeous blue skies and flat calm, it was a fantastic boat with a huge wheelhouse/cabin and plenty of places to sit. Then one of us, let's call him "Gordon the veggie who had curry last night" drops something so bad that he clears the entire wheelhouse in seconds, skipper included but that wasn't enough. Even standing on the deck the stench was oozing out so the skipper grabbed someone's cylinder and mask then with his own air supply he headed back in to the red zone so he could put us into a gentle turn so the waft went overboard and saved the rest of us.
I played rugby at uni.
We were training one Sunday morning, after a particularly heavy beer and curry night - so everyone was already pretty hungover.
As the forwards packed down against the scummaging machine, I stuck my arse into the tunnel and let rip. I think it actually made my eyes water as it was coming out, it was so spicy.
Cue the scrum to collapse, dry heaving everywhere and the hooker was actually sick... followed by me, the skinny fullback, legging it to safety across the pitch.
an auntie of mine was at one of my cousin's parents' night. each group of parents queued outside the classroom before being invited in by the teacher when ready.
nearest the door, some seats had been placed in the corridor. my auntie attempted to 'sit down' next to the last chair, not realising there was no chair beneath her.
as it quickly dawned on her - she was falling, she let rip loudly and flapped her arms in a vain attempt to stay on her feet but fell down and rolled onto the floor inelegantly in a farty blushing heap.
the entire corridor filled with other parents and the freshly emerged teacher burst into fits of laughter. my auntie is still mortified by this!!
haha
A pack of us were Cleaning up the venue the morning after my mates wedding. He's an animal for the food and drink and we had dined and watered well that night. Tens of strong ales and glasses of red and roast lamb Henry with hugely potent garlic mash. One of the last jobs was to take down stacks of chairs in the little wheel chair type lift and put them in the cupboard. On the last journey I felt an unholy gurgling commence just as the doors closed and by the time I'd reached ground level I was powerless to prevent an outgassing of such noxious ferocity that I feared I might faint. It was disgusting, like summer roadkill mixed with fermented pig shit, never have I emitted such a disgrace. Luckily I managed to to scramble out of there before being overcome by the horror. Ashamed and terrified in equal measure I wheeled those chairs toward the cupboard taking a last sheepish glance at the scene of the blasphemy. Where the bride's mother had slipped in after me and closed the door...
It was a proper wedding, we even found one of the guests asleep in the toilets the following morning during the clean up
Proud dad moment!
Very. I’m proud of a lot of what he gets up to, but usually have to pretend I’m not 😀
A few year ago I was at Murrayfield with a few mates to see Connacht beat Leinster in the Pro 12 final. Richard was dropping some pretty rotten efforts, bad enough to offend the rows in front and behind at least. Every time people started to smell them he would turn around and give a filthy look to a small boy behind him. Eventually even the boy’s mother was blaming him, despite his protests, and he burst into tears.
MsJimmy and I sleep in separate beds. We just sleep better that way. The instigator for this, to my mind, was the fact that she snores (OK, it's a light snuffle, but enough to wake me up). So in the early days I'd happily tell people she snores blah blah. I realised I was probably being a bit harsh when one she she blurted out "Yeah well you stink!".
That put me in my place. But she's not the first GF to feed back on being woken up by strong smells.
the fact that she snores
not the first GF to feed back on being woken up by strong smells.
Have you considered that she may actually be choking on your emissions?
I used to work in an outdoor shop in Newcastle in the 90s. One of the lads was fitting some walking boots for a teenager who'd obviously just been picked up from the local private school by her very attractive and clearly minted mother. On retrieving a different sized pair of boots from the store room, the chap in question sat back down right in front of the girl at one of those very low fitting stools with the slopey front you only get in shoe shops. The wooden construction of the stool helped to amplify the ****ing enormous fart he let slip. The noise was truly immense and he had to soldier on with a meek apology.
I worked in a family business that had done well - £50m turnover, 300+ employees, the original founder aged 80+ still popping into the office a couple of times a week.
I was in the gents and the founder shuffled in for a wee, letting rip with a shockingly loud fart. He looked me in the eye and said "better here than on the bus".
I had to agree.
After a night of curry and beers, on the back deck of a dive boat doing about 15 knots. I think i was the only one laughing, since the other 10 or so lads scurried into the cabin to escape the stench..... Weymouth has a lot to answer for.
I remember a good list of phrases to use on these occasions, probably from viz - sadly the only one I can remember is 'bit more choke and that would have started'.
“Alexa, open a window”
