[Closed] "You've ruined my life"...

My girlfriend said she wanted monkey sex, so I masturbated and then threw shit at her

(Runs off to get the teeshirt printed)
QUOTE OF THE WEEK!!!!

best break up ever... I break up with her, she asks says "we can still have sex though can't we?".

Yes, yes we can.

.

My reply wouldn't get past the swear filter

🙂

There are some classics in this thread!

best break up ever... I break up with her, she asks says "we can still have sex though can't we?".

Yes, yes we can.

😀 Some people get all the luck

I broke up with a girl I'd been seeing for 6 months as I'd come to the conclusion she was a bunny boiler. I told her it wasn't really working etc. she got all shreaky and started rocking back and forth shouting "I have nothing more to live for..." oops....
2 weeks later she knocks on my door "I don't think it's really working between us and we haven't spent much time together recently." erm, that'll be because I dumped you 2 weeks ago you dozey bat...

Latest and greatest achievement....

Dumped on my 30th birthday by my gf of 3 years because I wasn't fulfilling all her needs. She'd been seeing another women behind my back. As I don't have a man-mimsy I guess this part was at least true.
I find it a bit odd that I'd even babysat for this women, so the two could spend time together so they could do "Girly things". I foolishly thought this meant watch crap films and talk about shoes. Shortly after the split she then got together with another bloke to form some kind of polygamous family between the 3 of them. It's all a bit strange to get my head around.... 6 months later, after she'd ****ed off to leave me to deal with the shared house, sort out the bills and get rid of most of the cr*p she'd abandoned I get an email "I haven't heard from you for a while. Is there any possibility we can still be friends?" My reply wouldn't get past the swear filter

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best break up ever... I break up with her, she asks says "we can still have sex though can't we?".
Yes, yes we can.

Some people get all the luck

dan1980. Is it ok to be in tears after reading your post?

[i]man-mimsy[/i].

Hereby declared my most favouritist thread ever.

Better than Agent Picolax?

3rd in Google search:
[url= http://www.singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/ ]The Picolax Thread returns[/url]

Girls 'friends' - 'Don't go near her she's got dangly labia'

How the hell did they know?

Half way through the 'It's not working and I think I need some space speech' I saw what was coming and planned my exit route. When I was finally excused, I looked at her casually and said, "I had one of those, but the wheel fell off" then walked to my car and drove away.

- 'Don't go near her she's got dangly labia'

That would've made some people fall for her instantly..

[i]Better than Agent Picolax?[/i]
Yeah, for reasons best not explained I find that one a bit depressing lately.

was listening to 'late night love' or something similarly terrible about a decade ago, and they had some newly single type on complaining that her other half had dumped her by text, she still loved him, should she try and get back together with him - yadda yadda, you know the kinda thing.

lots of calls from women telling her to respect herself, if she'd meant anything he should have had the grace to do it in person, go and find someone better, etc etc.

come the end of the show they patch in a guy, who comes out with the classic

's not that bad luv, he coulda sent you an email and saved himself 10p

class.

That would've made some people fall for her instantly..

Personally I prefer my burger meat inside the bun, not hanging out the edge

a girl i worked with dumped her bf of 5years and said 'you never made me come once'

To which I hope he replied:
'I never tried to'

😯

best break up ever... I break up with her, she asks says "we can still have sex though can't we?".

Yes, yes we can.

Git.

I had one girl try to dump me by phone. She was quite rough, and I'd realised this fact halfway through, er, funtime, and hence cut funtime short.
So she rang up a few days later to say she needed to be with someone who would treat her better.
I'm still chuffed to this day that I completely punctured her balloon by pointing out that I had been kinda thinking the same, actually, and was trying to work out how to tell her.

There was another one, a Kiwi who lived near Old Street, who dumped me the day after Valentine's Day. I think because I'd sent her a Valentine's card.
But it was OK, she wasn't fit and I was just there for the ride.

But seriously though, most of the times I've been dumped it's really left me quite gutted.

come the end of the show they patch in a guy, who comes out with the classic

's not that bad luv, he coulda sent you an email and saved himself 10p

That actually happened to me. The ex Mrs Happy Jack emailed me at work to say she thought we were "growing apart" and should split up. Transpires what she actually meant was "I'm biffing the tractor driver from the farm next door". Classy.

My scariest moment was when I was in a relationship with a woman who had a young child (8 yrs old).

I wanted to finish it so I waited for her to put him to bed and he was out of the way. As soon as she came back down I told her the news so the first thing she did was get this poor child up and, with him bawling in her arms, shouted at me over and over 'LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO US'.

🙁

Pity I had to end it because he was a lovely little boy - pity he had such a mixed up mother.

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and

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😀

I had a GF who was a Polish doctor and a Catholic. After less than a year she wanted to get more serious and buy a house together. I dumped her right there and then as I realised it would not work - I liked her but not enough to get stuck in with a mortgage and the fact that she was religious as well was quite a struggle. It was not nice, but better in the long run to end it there and then. I basically just said no and showed her the door and said it was over. It was a bit of a shock to her.

Then a about a year later I ended up with another GF who was a bit mental. Single parent on benefits. She on two occasions came running out of the loo clutching a pregnancy test kit shouting "Im pregnant", just to see my reaction.

Well very soon after she did it the second time I booked myself in for the snip. Private hospital, £200, no waiting list. The GF was not happy dispite the fact she had an 7 year old from a previous relationship and knew I didnt want any. But I needed her to drive me to the clinic and then drive me home, so she came along, sulking.

When the surgeon chap met me in the room he went through the proceedure and asked me if I was OK to go ahead. My GF starts to ball her eyes out shouting "No, dont do it, I want your children" I had to escort her out and then come back to the surgeon and tell him I was OK to go ahead. Took some effort to persuade him.

So, finally after the OP I was in the private room recovering, my GF having reappeard, sobbing, but now realising its too late for more kids. When all of a sudden my previous Polish Doctor ex-GF burst into the room, uknown to me she worked there as a private consultant. She had seen my name on the list and ran into the room, in tears, demanding to know "What have you done to yourself, how could you mutilate yourself like that"

I just pulled the bedsheet over my head and cringed while the two of them shouted at me, like a stereo. Finally a nurse came in and asked them to leave since the noise was too much.

I then peered out from the sheet and asked for a taxi, I never saw either again.

A week after getting home a mate of mine told me he had seen the single parent mother ex in town - she had saved all her hair off, really badly, looked like she had done it drunk with a razor. She told him she had done it for me as revenge. She looked like an escaped psycho, all tufts and scratches.

Mad women, mad times.

"I'm in love with Jon Knight from NKOTB..."

I'm in love with Jon Knight from NKOTB...

Quite right too!

EDIT: Hang on, that's not right, Jordan was the one every fancied, not his brother...

EDIT EDIT: And Jon was the gay one, she was proper out of luck there. Unless you broke up with a fella.

I'm in love with Jon Knight from NKOTB...

Quite right too!

EDIT: Hang on, that's not right, Jordan was the one every fancied, not his brother...

EDIT EDIT: And Jon was the gay one, she was proper out of luck there. Unless you broke up with a fella.

No, she was a lady..I forget most things about her, except the flat she lived in always smelt of cooking fat.

Years later, I talked about this with my wife. Turns out, they were in the same year at school and my wife used to call her "Fish eyes". they hated each other

Pissing myself laughing at you lot, makes my break up look reasonably normal (even though she was a crazy bitch by the end)LOL

Excellent. You lot must be irresistible given some of states you've left ex's in. I only have one ex and we only went out for two weeks so I could make hubby to be jealous. I got my uncle to dump him for me as he worked security car driving for him. He cried then text me three weeks later with the words 'will you marry me' lol. No. Then mum yelled at me, said I was being a bitch and to leave him alone, turned out he went and told my nan, uncle etc I'd been stalking him 😯 weird lad, he got sacked 😆

my ex wife broke up with me, there was a 3 hr rant about what a **** i was, a list of every reason why i was a shit husband/rubbish father/crap person,
followed by, "but we can still go and stay with your mum at the weekend coz we have tickets to see iron maiden on monday"
i am actually really proud that i told her to GTF and stuck to my guns too.
years later, she told me she will never forgive me for that.
oh dear, what a shame.
iron maiden were great, btw. (was my first gig ever)

You got married before you went to your first gig 😯

Zulu - those danny dumps are fantastic and the most cringeworthy at the same time. Brilliant

a girl i worked with dumped her bf of 5years and said 'you never made me come once' which was apparently true as she drunkenly told everyone in the pub later

Hmmm, I wondering whether I know her...

🙂

'will you marry me' lol. No.

Priceless! 🙂

Not a break up as such, but my dad told me an amusing anecdote concerning a Welsh infantry battalion conducting arctic warfare training in Norway at the height of the Cold War.

The soldiers were routinely enjoying the hospitality of the local women, one particular soldier managed to impregnate a girl during a one night stand. However, substantial quantities of alcohol had been consumed and she couldn't remember what he looked like, but luckily she did recall his rank and surname.

She turned up at HQ with her furious parents who informed the CO of the situation. The RSM then instructed the men to form up so that the culprit could be collared. Instructing the young lady to reveal the name and rank of the offending squaddie, the RSM then ordered him to step forward....

'Private Evans!'

60 or so men stepped forward, hilarity ensued, she still couldn't remember what he looked like and the matter went no further.

On a personal note, I was ditched via a fax message once (this was in 1998). The fax machine ran out of paper midway through so I had to go out and buy some more in order to discover this!

emma82 - Member
Excellent. You lot must [s]be irresistible[/s] [u]be desperate enough to go out with properly f***ed up women[/u] given some of states you've left ex's in.

FTFY 😎