(any more?)
A sunburnt Nun.
What's black and white and goes round and round screaming?
A Nun on a rotisserie.
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long stick and asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "Nein I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
My wife is Spanish.
When her parents come over, I like to use drop in the odd word like mucho.
I think it means a lot to them.
Did you hear about the farmer that won a Nobel prize?
He was out standing in his field…
(IANAD).
What sits on the seabed with anxiety?
A nervous wreck
Son: Dad, make me a sandwich.
Dad: You are now a sandwich!
A tanker carrying red paint has collided with a tanker carrying blue paint.
Over 500 sailors have been marooned.
I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym but she didn’t show up.
That’s when I knew that we weren’t going to work out.
We were down the marina yesterday, and I said to the kids "i don't think the captain is happy the the back of his ship"
"Why?" They asked
"Because hes giving it a stern look" i replied.
I was so delighted i gave myself a high five.
What’s the biggest drawback in the jungle?
an elephant’s foreskin
Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel Prize?
He was outstanding in his field
"I went for a drink the other night with a girl from a North Wales university city"
* "Bangor?"
"Nah, we just had a couple of drinks and went our separate ways"...
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it goes to the toilet?
Because the p is silent
(Monty Python Iirc)
I suspect a lot of crossover with the crap joke thread here. 🙂
I'm seeing quite a lot lifted from the 'We Got The Chocolates' podcast.
Difficult to define a dad joke. I understand it to be a joke suitable for small kids, preferably one which will also cause them embarrassment if their dad tells it while their friends are present. Not sure this qualifies:
What do you call a baby in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
What do you call a man having a nap by the back door?
Mat.
I got a box of six cricket balls for my birthday yesterday.
Bowled over
I bumped into an old friend yesterday who I hadn't seen for ages. He told me he'd been away in the far East prospecting for gold.
"Japan?" I asked
"Oh no" he replied, "I used much more modern techniques"
what do you get if you cross an elephant & a hosepipe?
A jumbo jet
What do you call a lady married to a hippie
Mississippi
IGMC
I'm a good dad.
This morning my 5yo threw his head back and said "Aargh, stop making jokes! How many times have I told you? 100!"
🤣
After fighting with her sister, the cat was sitting paws tucked in (like a furry chicken), all defeated. As she sprang back into the fray she was once again un-defeeted!
I get clobbered for such as these, but I ain't stopping.
Some good dad jokes on this...
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl when it goes to the toilet?
Because the p is silent
I am told that Michelle Pfeifer also has a silent P
Whats a Pirates favourite letter of the alphabet?
No, their true love will always be the "C"
What do you call an old Snowman?
A glass of water….
I stayed up all night trying to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
*disclaimer: not mine - Geraint Thomas tweeted it the other day
Me "I'm hungry but want something simple"
Waiter "maybe the chicken strips for £5?"
Me "maybe it does, but how does that help my hunger?"
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
This one has kept me giggling since last night.
Just the perfect blend of stupid and brilliant 😂
Just the perfect blend of stupid and brilliant 😂
I'm having that as my epitaph.
A vicar, imam and a rabbit went to the blood bank together. When asked if they know their blood types, the rabbit replied, “I’m not sure. I’m probably a type-O.”
(probably best as a written joke.)
