Worried about my wife's mental health – Page 3 – Chat Forum

worriedhusband · 2016-04-22T07:47:48Z

Forum regular on new 2nd login for obvious reasons. It’s a long one, but I just wanted to get it all down in one hit I've got a pretty good family life, we are in good health, our kids (5 and 7) are doing fine, we've some great friends a nice house and no money worries, fulfilling jobs and a busy social life. There are never enough hours in the day, but it’s all great stuff and I genuinely appreciate how lucky we are I was made redundant back in Feb (8yrs with the firm) which was a bit unsettling for a bit but I found a new job pretty quickly (I'm 4 weeks into it now) it's all worked out ok in the end but I won't lie, I had a few wobbles along the way. Alongside all that, my wife has been behaving rather oddly. We were planning a 3rd baby last year but after a few months of trying, she decided that perhaps we should stick at 2 after all. which I was quite happy about really as I always thought 2 close together was the right setup to enable us to go on many adventures. The reason she gave at the time was that she was enjoying getting fitter (she was getting pretty decent at running) and the boys being at school was allowing her to take on more at work. All good stuff. Since then, she’s been increasingly distant. Nothing particularly obvious at the time but looking back, more and more of the things she was doing didn’t involve me and the boys. More time at the gym, more time spent at events and more work. None of that individually was a problem but in recent weeks it started to become obvious that she didn’t seem to want to talk to me and would seem to avoid being in a position where talking was possible (and with the stresses of job hunting then settling into a new job I really wanted to talk) I’d constantly ask if she was ok and if everything was alright but I just got “yeah I’m fine” never any arguments or anything, but it was pretty obvious something wasn’t right. It all came to a head 4 weeks back when I asked if she was happy and she said no she wasn’t, and hadn’t been for a while, but she couldn’t say what was making her unhappy or what she wanted. She really didn’t want to talk but it was pretty clear that where she was at was that our relationship was the problem and that she didn’t know what the solution was or if she wanted to find one. She had already planned a static caravan holiday for last week for her and the boys and her folks. they do that every year and I stay at home and get on with DIY around the house. It works well for us and everyone’s happy. This year I wasn’t taking any time off but it would still allow me to crack on and get my head properly into my new job. She wanted space now so she took the boys up to her mums the week before the holiday so they were away for a full 2 weeks. That was pretty hard to take but worth it if she was going to get time to quietly consider what she was feeling and thinking. We kept in touch superficially whilst she was away, skyped with the kids and stuff, but no actual discussion and I respected her need for space. They got back on Friday and she was straight back to working Saturday and it was pretty clear she still wasn’t for talking. She’d keep the boys up until gone 9 then shed sneak off to bed when I was doing story time. All very frustrating. We had a sit down on Monday night and I said I really needed to talk because I wasn’t able to concentrate on work for worrying about her but it ended up just being me asking questions and her saying she didn’t know. Didn’t know what was wrong, didn’t know what the solution was and didn’t know if she wanted one. She did say that she felt we were on different paths and wanted different things. That I want to be like my dad and buy boats and get a bigger house (I don’t, and neither does my dad) and that she didn’t know what she wanted but it wasn’t that. It was all pretty painful and didn’t achieve anything. I finally spoke to her mum that night and she said that she wouldn’t talk to her when they were away and that they were very worried about her but she hadn’t realised how serious the situation was. She offered to come down on the next flight but we agreed it best that she called her in the morning which she did. As I understand it both her mum and dad gave her a bit of a rollocking and said she had to talk to me because she was being cruel. Not the approach I would have taken, but they are her folks so whatever works So I finished early yesterday and we had a much better talk. She makes it very clear she doesn’t believe she is ill or anything, she went over the same frustrations which seem to ultimately boil down to that she thinks we are from different social classes (my words not hers and ultimately not true) I said I felt these were all things she was placing on me rather than real issues but that I would work on making sure I addressed them. We ultimately agreed that we would keep “muddling on” (her words) So it seems like we’ve pulled back from the brink and she’s pretending to be happy again, but I’m c...

agent007

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If you don't trust your Mrs working late or staying at a mates I'd say you have no hope either way...

It's not so much about trusting her or not at this stage, it's about being smart, clued up, and aware of the possible warning signs of an affair. Constantly checking these things would be paranoia in a normal relationship, but as the OPs relationship has passed that point and is not going well, I think he now needs to go into this as switched on as possible.

Posted : 24/04/2016 6:47 am

agent007

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Plus sounds like counselling is maybe not the right way at this stage, he needs to talk to her before that and at least attempt to sort it out first. It takes two to make counciling work, his missus might be completely against the idea and trying to force this on her might not do much help. Only the OP will know this.

Posted : 24/04/2016 6:51 am

hora

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+1 agent007

Posted : 24/04/2016 8:08 am

mildbore

Posts: 881

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Drac, I stand patronised.
OP, for what it's worth here's my tuppenn'orth. It strikes me your wife started withdrawing soon after you were trying for another baby. Could it be that she may have picked up on your less than total commitment to another child, initially tried to get over it but really she wanted a baby more than you and has been feeling this ever since? She feels you want different things, you just want boats and stuff etc could just be how this rift has polarised in her mind. Whatever the cause of your disconnection I hope you can sort it out and get back on track, you seem to care for her a lot

Posted : 24/04/2016 10:24 am

verbboy

Posts: 264

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Agent007 and hora

Sometimes it helps to have someone impartial to open up in front of.

So whilst I agree they should initially discuss together it isn't always possible.

In the end we all have our opinions - good luck OP.

Posted : 24/04/2016 1:53 pm

v8ninety

Posts: 1751

Full Member

Shame the OP hasn't been back to respond; hope he hasn't been deactivated for dual logins. Sometimes a bit of discretion is in order. Would be really interested in how this progresses. Sorry to admit it but an affair (possibly emotional rather than physical) was my immediate thought too. It seems that the female in question no longer goes to the OP for The stuff that people who love each other do. Sadly. As has been said, OP should hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

Hope he's okay. Been there, it's shit.

Posted : 24/04/2016 4:44 pm

Cougar

Posts: 78459

Full Member

hope he hasn't been deactivated for dual logins.

If he has, I haven't done it. In a case like this I'd turn a blind eye to until the thread's run its course and then probably block it. I'd consider someone's marriage to be worth making an exception to the rules for.

EDIT: just checked and looks to be active still.

Posted : 24/04/2016 4:56 pm

bongohoohaa

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Shame the OP hasn't been back to respond

He's been busy laying a lovely new patio.

Posted : 24/04/2016 5:01 pm

thegreatape

Posts: 1083

Full Member

In a case like this I'd turn a blind eye

As has been done numerous times over the years, and rightly so. Obedience of fools, guidance of wise men and all that...

Posted : 24/04/2016 5:02 pm

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