[Closed] What toilet paper

I lived in rural India for 3 years; left hand and water. Paper just feels filthy now. When I was a kid staying with locals in the Balearics if you were caught short it was a nice stone! Works but I never liked it much.
At work they get cashmere paper from waitrose! What a waste of money.

Ah yes, that QI episode!

[url] http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Gargantua/Chapter_XIII [/url]

I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains.