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"Without this £100 hdmi lead your picture will be all pixated and the colours less vibrant"
Comet sales staff ftw 😆
A 40 year old female friend of my Mum's a while back -
'How old do you have to be to be a teenager?'.
Yeah it's a stupid name for a table. S'like having an occasional dog or an occasional pen-knife or something. Stupid.
A client saying "What we really want is some high level detail". 🙄
I was _that_ close to playing back to her Douglas Adams' line that "what we want are clearly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty" just to see if she twigged...
A girlfriend of my So asked if the sun and moon where the same thing..
Driving about on shift the other night through country lanes looking for folk out and about , one of the lads in the van comments on having a pair of night vision goggles.
Girl in the van says " night vision goggles? what do you see with them? its dark out there !"
nuff said.
During a GCSE IT class, my teacher was looking for ideas/enhancements to help people with disabilities use computers. After taking a few suggestions she came out with.."Braille keys on a keyboard for blind people".
For several weeks after I couldn't stop laughing every time I seen her.
Nearly as good as a mate suggesting YouTube should add subtitles for blind people....
After taking a few suggestions she came out with.."Braille keys on a keyboard for blind people".
Why is that a dumb idea?
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http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000V5IFSS
http://www.rnib.org.uk/shop/Pages/ProductDetails.aspx?productID=ht22201
A couple for you,
Sat in a bar in San Francisco and get chatting to the bloke next to me. He’s telling me about an upcoming fishing trip to Alaska and mentions taking his car. I ask if the USA and Canada have any kind of agreement with regard to passports and border crossings like we have in Europe where you just drive straight through borders, or at worst get your passport looked at, but never have to go through immigration proper. (Forms filled, passport stamped etc). He reply’s with –
I’m not going to Canada, I’m going to Alaska.
(me) Sorry, I thought you said you were driving.
I am.
(me) So when you drive through Canada to get to Alaska, do you need to go through all the immigration stuff?
Alaska is part of the USA, not Canada. I thought you Europeans were good at geography.
Stop at a petrol station in Rural Utah trying to buy cigarettes. Told that they don’t sell them, but the petrol station the other side of the road does. Decide to leave car and walk. As I cross the forecourt there is a [i]senior gentleman[/i] banging on the car window, which my missus is very firmly keeping shut.
Wander over to see what’s happening and get talking to the bloke, he’s very friendly, just wants a chat. Tells me he’s down this end of the state for a funeral, and that he’s never left Utah in all his life, probably about 70 years. Asks me where we’re from, and this is the start of the misunderstandings. I tell him –
(me) Britain
So you’re Canadian?
(me) No, British
Yes, that makes you Canadian
(me) Ah, you’re thinking of British Columbia, we’re from Great Britain, you know, in Europe?
(This is when I realised that lots of Americans don’t know of Great Britain. UK is fine, so is England, and at a push Scotland – but Britain, no).
(me) I’m from England, my girlfriend is Scottish
Ah, ok, so you’re from the UK?
(me) Yes
So how come your car has California plates?
(me) We hired it at LA airport.
(A little bit of discussion until I realise that Rental, not Hired makes sense to him)
So...Why didn’t you bring your own car?
Just as I’m pondering trying to explain the large body of water between Britain and the USA, he decides it’s time to move on with the best line ever – “You sure do speak good English for a European”!
During a GCSE IT class, my teacher was looking for ideas/enhancements to help people with disabilities use computers. After taking a few suggestions she came out with.."Braille keys on a keyboard for blind people".For several weeks after I couldn't stop laughing every time I seen her.
Nearly as good as a mate suggesting YouTube should add subtitles for blind people....
You know blind people use computers and the internet don't you? and there are some videos on the internet that have captions spoken?
Who's the idiot now
aidso - not so stupid. Blind folk do use computers and do have specialist keyboards including braille ones.
The UK and America, two nations divided by a common language.
Stepping inside from the cold snowy windy weather outside my housemate says "Cor its cold isnt it?"
No S... Sherlock
Ben_mw: Judging by the "Not Always Right" site, Americans not understanding the concept of "Canada" is a frighteningly common problem:
http://notalwaysright.com/category/canada 😀
boss: we have to focus on everything
We have a facebook group set up of a guy we know and all his Geoff'isms
"It's a recipe waiting to happen"
"You're gonna burn like Jesus did"
"but Geoff, Jesus didn't burn"
"well he should have"
Geoff's back garden over looks..
'yeah, used to be an old orchard, now its just some trees'
I say, I say lads. I've had this tune going through my head for days wondering if you could help....La La La La La La La La La (to the theme tune to Black Beauty)
Geoff: ...it sounds like he needs a sidedog
Olly: a what?
Geoff: a sidedog!
Olly: do you mean sidekick
Geoff : ah yes, thats it
That blokes built like a sh*t brickhouse'
We went to Wales a few months Back, we pass a sign saying "traeth beach"
wife: thats supposed to be a nice beach
me: bites lip
after seeing several more signs
wife: ahhh it's welsh for beach.
Was she also on the lookout for all the ARAFs that you slowed down for?
we pass a sign saying "traeth beach"
Mate of mine fell foul of that little gem a few years back. "Christ, that must be a big beach!"
Was she also on the lookout for all the ARAFs that you slowed down for?
My mate fell for that one, "whats an ARAF?"
Said by a chap at work as he looked at hundreds of starlings getting ready to roost as it got dark the day after the clocks had gone back in October.
"Amazing isn't it how the birds know the clocks have changed"
My daughter once saw some pigeons so asked me 'Are chickens scared of Robin Hood?'.
But she's just a kid and they're not right in the head anyway.
A good few years ago, BT fitted some new phone boxes on the high street, just the box as they where work in progress.
My sister asked my dad why there was no phones in the phone boxes, my dad replied so people can talk to themselves. She believed it, for quite a few years!
The biggest daft thing is when im at work normal question is, where's the milk ? erm the section your standing in front of?!
"Braille keys on a keyboard for blind people".For several weeks after I couldn't stop laughing every time I seen her.
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Still laughing, now that you've made the stupidest comment on this thread? 😆
Snowboarding holiday in whistler. There was a woman from Florida on the same lesson. She asked what time the lift closed. I said half two. She looked confused. The guide clarified by saying two thirty. Woman then turned to me and ask why I couldn't speak English properly!.
My mother once called me a son of a bitch during an argument. Couldn't understand why I agreed with her.
I said half two. She looked confused. The guide clarified by saying two thirty. Woman then turned to me and ask why I couldn't speak English properly!
Technically, she'd have a point, as it should be 'half past two'... 😉
Also, you weren't using the correct vernacular according to the country you were in....
Ex once booked a surprise holiday to Tunisia. With great delight she explained how it was as close as you can get to Africa without leaving Europe.
"whats an ARAF?"
If you run over an Araf, you get chased by the Heddlu and taken to the Gorsaf...
There was a lad in my class called Araf. He wasn't slow though. I hope he never visits Wales.... 😳
Talking to a local in Dubrovnik who worked as a guide for tourists from the cruise ships. She listed her favourite tourist quotes as follows:
"What film was this set built for?"
"Do they have washing machines in Croatia?"
And my favourite:
"Do they take the walls down at night?"
NB. The walls of Dubrovnik are about 20 metres high, 4 metres thick and made of stone.
Closer to home, my mate's other half has a startling natural talent for malapropisms and spoonerisms. She once turned up at my place with a stinking cold, telling me that she'd just been to the herbalist to buy some euthanasia.
She also once likened an event to "Killing two birds with one bush".
Me, to Mrs BigJohn, in Austria: "Which hotel are we staying in?"
Mrs BigJohn "The Zimmer Frei"
Similarly we gave a lift to a guy hitchhiking in New Zealand. He worked on the tourist boats at Milford Sound (which is basically a big picturesque fjord).
Two classics he told us about:
[i]Excited Tourist: "What time do they release the dolphins?"[/i]
and
[i](Tourist pointing to steep hillsides covered in trees) "Can you settle an argument: my wife says those trees are real, but I think they are fake..."[/i]
Wife at Whipsnade: "Look at the size of those rabbits!!!!" as a wallaby gets up and hops off 😆 . In her defense, we were a little way off, but even so...
Whilst working in the states a colleague asks "so where about is Wales in England"
I've heard that too, from an American tourist to a scouser I used to work with. "Where exactly in England is Scotland?"
The same woman, about half a minute later, said to him, "gee, I just love your English accent. Say something in 'English' for us!"
His reply, all scouse deadpan, "pearl 'arbour."
RAF fastjet Pilot after 10 billion quids worth of training
"Is there Clear Air Turbulence in that cloud?"
An aeroplance can take off from a treadmill.
An aeroplance can take off from a treadmil
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A girl I used to work with:
Her: why do you wear shorts then get changed every morning?
Me: I cycle in, I commute through fields and don't want my suit to get muddy.
Her: I drive my Mini through a field too, should I wear shorts so I don't get my clothes muddy?
In a meeting on cost cutting:
"I sharpen my pencils at both ends so they last longer"
When the female toilet was out of service and we had to share:
Her: Men are stupid for putting the seat up, if you leave it down you get more to sit on
Me: We wee standing up
Her: What out of your Penis?
On why her measurements were wrong:
"I turned the ruler round so it was less so we could save money"
A friend has freakishly good hearing. My wife said he has "the ears of a hawk".
Also, I asked how much her planned trip to the hairdresser for hair straightening would cost. Her response: "About as much as a perm".
I'm not sure if I'm stupid as I don't know how much a perm is, or she's stupid for thinking that I would know this.
After we flew first class our friend asked what it was like.
I told her you got leather seats and electric windows. She was very impressed.
In Texas I was invited to a BBQ and was introduced as "This is Richard he is from Wales he is Walesish 😆
thegreatape - MemberWas she also on the lookout for all the ARAFs that you slowed down for?
I'll put my hands up to this one, I went for a motorbike ride in Wales and I said "Wow, amazing that we've done so much quality riding around one town!", thinking Araf was the place name.
****ing welsh, make me look stoopid will ya?