My brother was really scared after swallowing some lego.
He was shitting bricks for a few days.
ON THE FACTORY NOTICE BOARD:
Stationary office moved
I've started cycling to work everyday in a bid to get fit, but people say it makes me look gay.
So, to macho up my image a little bit, I've drawn some racing stripes on my basket.
How do you eat cheese in Wales?
Caerphilly
How many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris?
No-one knows. It's never been done.
Q. What's the difference between Madelaine McCann and a red Ferrari?
A. I don't have a red Ferrari in my garage.
The French army have a new kind of tank, it has 14 gears! 13 of them reverse.
(they fitted a forward gear just in case the enemy attack from behind)
What did the Leprechaun get when he walked between a womans legs???
A clit around the ear and a flap across the face 😀
Tampax have sponsored Tiger Woods next year as they say it great being associated with a c@@t going through a bad period
Husband & wife shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a case of Stella & places it in the trolley.
' What do you think you're doing? ' asks the wife
' They're on offer, £10 for 24 cans ' he says.
' Put them back, we can't afford them ' says wife & they carry on shopping.
A few aisles later, the wife picks up a £20 jar of facecream & puts it in the trolley.
' What do you think you're doing? ' asks the husband.
' It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful ' she says.
Husband replies ' So does 24 cans of Stella & it's half the frigging price '
A white horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says
"We've got a drink named after you",
the horse replies
"Really?, In that case I'll have a double George"
How many animals can you fit into a pair of ladies jeans?
2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, countless hares, the occassional cock, and a fish no one can find!
Has the Shi' Tzu joke been done yet? And the brown and sticky joke?
"keep the tip"
...as the leper said to the prostitute...
Peguin walks into a bar and asks
"Have you seen my brother?"
Barman replies
"What does he look like?"
Paddy & Mick went to donate sperm in London.
The day was a disaster.
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus !
how do you make an apple puff? CHASE IT ROUND THE GARDEN.oh me sides!!! 😛
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
what's short fat and wheezes...
an asmatic pigeon.
.......
....
...
..
.
and that st is the extent of my hilarity.
Why did the farmer win a Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.
😆
I had an appointment with the fortune teller yesterday.
It was cancelled due to unforseen circumstances.
whats round and bad tempered??
a vicious circle
What's black & lives up a tree?
A crow with a machine gun
What's yellow & dangerous?
Shark infested custard
Why are Muslim inflatable women better than Christian and Jewish ones? They blow themselves up.
What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty strawberry.
There are 3 different type of people, those that can count and those that cannot
What has 4 legs and says 'Boo.' A cow with a cold
A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street and said 'Can you spare a couple of minutes for cancer research' I said 'Sure but we won't get much done'
A bloke goes down on a prossy and finds carrots brussels and parsnips in her pussy, YOUR SICK, he exclaimed, No im not, she replied, but the guy before you was.
A bloke goes down on a prossy and finds carrots brussels and parsnips in her pussy, YOUR SICK, he exclaimed, No im not, she replied, but the guy before you was.
Basically my wife is very immature. I'd be at home taking a bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Oi! GM - leave woody allen out of this! 😉
someone asked me the other day; 'what's your pet hate?'. I said "it doesn't like things shoved up it's arse".
I'm sure this is a quote attributed to Dan Carter (All Black fly-half). Still funny!
Went to a zoo the other day, there was nothing but a small dog there. It was a shitzu
[i]Underhill - Member
What's black & lives up a tree?
A crow with a machine gun[/i]
Is there something missing from that joke?
i missed dancing on ice last night. do you know if that Heather Mills made it through to the second leg?
the grim reaper came for me last night but i beat him off with a vacuum cleaner , talk about dyson with death ....
During a recent Audit at the Bank of Ireland , it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password?
he replied ''Bejazus! are yez ****in' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
my mate offered me a 50" plasma tv the other day for a tenner. The volume is broken on it but at that price i couldn't turn it down.
whats the difference between an egg and a w**k?
you can beat an egg.
My bicycle won't stand up.
Why not?
'cos it's two tyred.
whats the difference between your p*nis and your bonus?
The wife will happily blow your bonus.
what's the difference bewtween oral and anal sex?
oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week.
bib shorts :o)
Man says to eskimo, on entering his igloo, 'cold in 'ere, innit'. To which the eskimo replied, 'It's Inuit, you ignorant fool!'
