Posted by: Cougar

↑

"Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

"Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes, pepper."

Or Bluetooth controlled love beads....

Posted by: BadlyWiredDog

↑

I am developing an uncanny ability to throw tea-bags across the kitchen and straight into a waiting mug.

You are Lee Mack and I claim my 5 minutes of hilarious standup comedy.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/XH3641YtOss?feature=shar e"> https://www.youtube.com/shorts/XH3641YtOss?feature=share

My mum has an awful super power, I call it antigravity. She has the ability to fall over anything, she’s done both wrists and dislocated her shoulder. Unfortunately I’ve most likely inherited it as I definitely don’t pick my feet up enough and I’ve received all her other rubbish genes. 

A bit like photosynthesis, I can turn fresh air into fat.

I did enjoy the scene in Deadpool when he recruited a band of shit superheroes and they all got imaginatively minced within 5 minutes of starting their first mission.

Is that not suicide squad, the second one?

Posted by: Josh

↑

Is that not suicide squad, the second one?

You're probably correct, all those movies do blur into one with the passage of time.

In a pub with multiple beers on tap I can select the one which is going to come to the end of the barrel within the course of pulling my pint.

Back in my youth when things closed on a Sunday I'd go into town with a group of friends to skate the empty multi-storey carparks, then go to the only open place in town - the exotic new McDonalds. I had a special power of being able to identify and order, every week, something that wouldn't be ready until everyone else had finished eating.

I can still make my eyes vibrate.

I’ve met plenty of people who can read and move their lips simultaneously.

I can cross my eyes one at a time.

I can communicate with cats using sign language and crossing my eyes. 

Posted by: Josh

↑

Is that not suicide squad, the second one?

No, it is Deadpool, the second one.

"Slightly crap superpowers"   

I give you the current iteration of America.

You're probably correct, all those movies do blur into one with the passage of time.

Ackchyually, It's both of them. They both have groups of crap superheros that get minced.

I have the ability to snore so loudly I wake myself. 

Now sure how i'd translate it into a superpower though, maybe ward ships away from rocks during fog ?

I have two

1) I am Volume Man - I can look at a pan/jug/casserole dish of leftover whatever is it (pasta, sauce, chilli etc) and instantly judge which of our many and various plastic containers will exactly hold said leftovers

2) I am also Untryingly Punctual Man. If I'm supposed to be somewhere for, say, 10:00, I'll be walking through the door on the dot of 10. It's not like I don't care about timekeeping and I do try be on time, but I'm pretty much always exactly on time, and I'm not trying that hard.

Posted by: IHN

↑

If I'm supposed to be somewhere for, say, 10:00, I'll be walking through the door on the dot of 10.

I have a reputation for always being late.  I'm not, I'm (almost) always exactly on time.  If you ask me to be somewhere for 10am then I will be there at 10am.  If you want me ten minutes early, say 9:50 then.

Compare and contrast, my partner factors in slack at every leg of a journey.  If we have to drive to park up to walk to the train to catch a bus then we're practically setting off the previous week.  She'll be sat in the house with her coat on 20 minutes before we actually leave, then still be the last one out of the house because she's forgotten something, and this is somehow my fault.

I get, being late is irritating, but so is being too early.  If I invite you round for pizza and a movie at 7pm and you trap at 6:45 I'm probably still in the shower.

Hang on, are you inviting me for some Netflix'n'chill?

I mean, if there's pizza I'm in.

On my bicycle commute, there'll usually be one point where it's always inconvenient to meet traffic coming in the opposite direction - but the roads will always be quiet right up until I reach that point and then traffic will come from nowhere. Sometimes it's immediately at the start of the journey, I'm outside getting ready to jump on my bike, no traffic anywhere. Right hand turn opposite the only section of road where it's not a tight squeeze for a car and a cyclist to meet each other, yes... for the past two weeks meet cars exactly there but not before or after. Pinch point along narrow country lane. Seems to go through phases. See also, predicting a vehicle will come round the blind bend and then jumping when one does. Uh not sure if I'm getting this confused with disproportionately cross thread. They're all the same!

Posted by: greatbeardedone

↑

I can still make my eyes vibrate.

Go careful with that. I think there was a thread on here recently where that was the cause of death!  

I have another couple that are the opposite of a power, more like a super personal kryptonite. Behold the ability to come down with a migraine from random stuff.

HG mould spray.

Apple flavouring.

Being a bit tired and rundown.

And the one that really annoys me. The ability to get injured or ill each time I try and get back in shape. Go to gym, start getting fit and in a routine. BAM! Chest infection or injury occurs. I am knackered man!

When given a 50/50 choice, I can make the wrong one 100% of the time. 

Even in the knowledge of this, I can try to double guess myself but will still fail.

Posted by: IHN

↑

Hang on, are you inviting me for some Netflix'n'chill?

Why do you think I'm in the shower?

I best give it a quick wipe then.