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We've known dad has had mental issues, waiting for the at home team to diagnose dementia.
He's becoming more and more frail and from a man of 80 walking the dogs and enjoying life, we're at 85 and he's been outside twice in the past week and stays in bed until 11/12 and then just wants to go back there.
On Friday he had medication for gout which he reacted badly to (I genuinely thought that was it) but has rallied. At home team suggested getting him to hospital for liver function tests as bloods showed impaired liver function. He doesn't want to, mum doesn't want him to and I've just PoA'd with the nurses to say no. Now I'm concerned I've added another medical complication (he doesn't really understand the questions and when asked what hurts tries to get mum to answer for him).
It's all a bit shit and I visit every day but feel useless.
Sorry just needed a vent.
He doesn't want to, mum doesn't want him to and I've just PoA'd with the nurses to say no.
Good on you. Sounds like you are supporting him as best you can.
Vent all you need.
I hear what you're going through, my folks are 90+ and just about hanging in there.
Visiting every day sounds like you're doing way more than I'm able - good on you.
It's shit, but sometimes it's time to let them make their own decisions and decide their fate.
My dad has had a sudden drop in iron levels - consultant at hospital inferred the main cause of this would be some type of cancer. But with him being 88 in a couple of weeks even if they did find cancer a) the treatment wouldn't be nice b) the diagnosis process isn't nice c) they probably wouldn't treat him anyway.
The consultant has given him 2 iron infusions and a unit of blood and he says he feels a lot better after that.
Going forward the doctors have dropped his blood thinners, halved his beta blockers and put him on iron tablets. The plan is to make him feel as well as he can in the time he has left rather than put him through endless stress, hospital visits and pain.
No lifespan timescale has been given - just a see how we go process.
And just being there for them is incredibly useful - it takes a lot of the admin and worry from them.
Getting old is hard work and helping your parents through it is hard and stressful. I lost my Mom about 3 weeks ago after a 5 year decline from happy and active to depressed and unable to walk from the living room to the kitchen.
The heat combined with COPD from 60 years of smoking was the last straw :o(
It sounds like you're trying to help and you just being there must be a great relief for them both.
Be patient (I'm sure you are) and help them as best you can (I'm sure you already are).
That's all you can do.
It sounds heartless but in the case of my elderly parents I tend to just view it as all just part of life's rich tapestry. We inevitably age, decay, and die. If you're lucky, it won't turn into a huge ballache of incidents, caring, hospitals, etc etc. MiL died quite young (68) but all the others (including grandparents) had a good innings. It's sad to say goodbye and never be able to see them again but it's not a tragedy, it's just how things are.
The alternative to seeing your parent die is for your parent to see their child die, and that's probably more upsetting.
Some friends seem to spend most of their time driving an hour or so to and from an elderly parent every time they fall (which is frequently, all times of day and night). A rod for their backs.
FIL went downhill in a period of 6 months, from still driving around in his car, and shopping to being end of life with Stage 4 lung cancer (smoker). We said no to the daily visit's to Christie as he wasn't going to make it.
He was primary carer for MIL who spent, probably the last 15 years of her life pretty immobile. She lived on another 8 or so years with us helping car for her at home, but finally in a nursing home due to immobility.
Do what you can, put in and social care that you can get to help mum.
I feel your pain. My folks are in their 90s, and live 220 miles away so getting to see them is difficult. I'm going to see them this week and they have finally agreed to giving me and my brother Power of Attourney, which is a step in the right direction.
Stay strong.
Good luck. My dad is 88 this time and depending on the wind direction I am either "his rock" or Satan's representative on earth.
Witnessed first hand with dad , mum died at 50 because of smoking , it's tough .Now my aunty who is 94 still lives in this massive farmhouse she had designed and built for her years ago . Up until recently she was a force of nature , then with failing eyesight she had her driving licence taken away , there follows a rapid decline saw her this week, her hearing is failing and she's now stuck miles from town . Still cutting her own grass growing her own veg but I just wonder how much longer before the house becomes a milestone , too late to move now even if she wanted to which she doesn't
Dunno how that happened, sausage fingers 🙄
Vent away - at the start of that journey with my parents, both still in denial and refusing extra help around the house. Mum's 84 and getting frail and forgetful, dad's 88 and doing more around the house now than he has in 63 years of marriage, which is wearing him down mentally and physically.
Mine are local, I don't work Fridays so I can help as much as they will let me. Ring them a couple of times a week to check in. I can't afford to drop another day at work and rather selfishly I'm making the most of their current level of independence because I'm sure they will need more of my time in the next year or so. The quicker they decide to spend their money on extra help the happier I will be, I don't care about them passing it on to me, I want them happy, comfortable and looked after.
I hear you. It's been a long four years with my folks, specifically my dad, starting with a seizure in Mallorca in 2022, via many consultant appointments, selling their house and moving to a retirement apartment, PoAs sorting, Attendance Allowance applications, ongoing financial management, multiple hospital admissions of increasing length, respite care and today the words 'prognosis' and 'palliative' were used for the first time. It's ****ing exhausting, physically and emotionally.
Its painful and extremely difficult to watch. You have my sympathy.
We went through it all last year. Dad had been gradually falling to bits for the last 5 years since mum passed and he was finished with life. But he had an element of cockroach in him so it didnt matter about the COPD, parkinsons, various cancers (3 different cancers beaten in his lifetime skin, lung & colon), arterial bypasses he had. He just battled on. He made sure we had LPA and it was on his records DNR every time he had an op (Regular occurance).
It just got worse and worse. Eventually he got cancer of the oesophagus (He previously had lung cancer and a collapsed lung on operating bed last year when they were removing it) which made him lose huge amounts of weight. They fitted a stent so some nutrition went down. Oh he beat pneumonia at the time the pope passed from the same thing. He reckoned god chose wisely.....
Why list all that? Well he was still sharp as a tack and bloody horrible with it. He refused any homes we suggested and the only week he spent in a home was after the stent was fitted. We pleaded with him to stay in the home for a while to get his strength up. He lasted 4 days before they called us up and said he was signing himself out and they would not put up with his verbal abuse anymore. We arranged a private nurse for him at home and within 48 hours a fully fitted hospital bed etc. She was a godsend but within another 48 hours he had tried to get out of bed and fell and broke his hip.
He survived having a new hip fitted 1 week before he passed away.
Not sure why i went into so much detail. I have lots to work through myself but its a scary time for everyone concerned. We were lucky we were all in agreement all of the time about it. Just try to see everyones perspective.
I dont miss driving 230 miles every friday after work and 230 miles back on Saturday night every week for a couple of months (EV as well).
Mum died two weeks ago from a brain tumour (Glioblastoma). Four and a half months after a fall led to CT scan and diagnosis.
We had LPA in place and sis and I took her into our care in her own home. Rapidly overcame the home help setup and into a care home two months after the initial fall. She'd decided late last year to stop driving and I think it was probably the tumour starting to grow.
She elected for surgery and one bout of chemo against our better judgement. I still don't think she understood the implications of it, and think we should have taken over at that point. It maybe extended her life by a month. We invoked LPA and said no more chemo.
What was utterly shit was the (really lovely) care home filled with dementia, Alzheimer, diabetes sufferers. They will be there for many a year yet. Some happy, some not. Some desperate, some content. Car park usually empty apart from on Sundays when the families made their regular visit.
Mum had a very black sense of humour and was a fan of assisted dying so we've both written to respective MPs about it.
Dad died 2 years ago. He had multiple dementia but in the end tripped up and bled out internally within 14 hours. I cannot even begin to comprehend how difficult it would have been if he was still alive when mum was getting very poorly.
In our case, we have to look back on the last few months and ask whether that time was what mum would have wanted. And I don't think it was, nor did we want to see her very fast decline. But at least it was somehow better than a slow decline.
What I'll also say is that in hindsight we noticed several odd things happening when we took control of her finances and devices. Ordering pills online, replying to obvious spam, buying weird things, subscribing to odd websites, losing and buying new specs all the time (they weren't lost), selling a lot of 'stuff', being up in the middle of the night. It's hard to work it out, but all the signs were there of something odd before the fall, just that we hadn't understood what it could be. Figuring this out, and then stopping the money flowing out, was tough.
I came to think of the final two months as being like the end of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button where I watched my mum walk for the last time. Sit up in a chair for the last time. Feed herself for the last time. Say her final few words, then hold her thumb up to say yes for the last time.
If anyone's going through any of this, you have my sympathy.
Today he's better but worse. Brighter and conversational but goldfish memory. Last year he could tell us about 1965 today it's just confused looks.
Liver function is obviously taken a knock as he's very pale, having not been outside, but noticeable yellow.
Meant to be away for 10 days soon but not looking likely.
My sister visits by appointment as her presence causes stress. She's 10 miles away but has been three times in six months and usually attends with a financial agenda, she should really get a job but we know her pension plans are still breathing.
I've been trying to think what to post onehundredthidiot as what you've posted is all too familiar to me and still difficult to even think about.
I want to say is that as you can see, there are many on here that can genuinely relate to what you are going through and what you will be going through.
Try not to beat yourself up about how you are handling this. I felt lost, angry, frustrated, guilty and just about every other emotion I can think of. I still do.
There's no glossing over how crap it is but I hope posting on here and chatting to people in real life gives you at least a little help with 'all this'.
All the best mate.
Father in law has vascular dementia and has just been informed by his 3 daughters he needs to go into a home, he's not happy about this and doesn't want his house to be 'taken away from him'. He lives alone away from all 3 of them, has no shops locally, has steep stairs and mid-heatwave had no idea how to use a tap to obtain water to hydrate himself. Shortly after he fell down the stairs and ended up in hospital. It's definitely taxing on the family and on him. He has an pre-assessment for a home on Friday.
My Mum is also getting to the older stage of old now too, but her brain is still ok (so far) hopefully it stays that way. She moved closer recently which is good as she was 4+ hours away before. She's doing lots to the retirement place she's moved into, at the moment I really can't tell how long she'll be there for, some of her neighbours are into their 90's.
Good luck to everyone out there going through it!
