[Closed] My wife has left me.

I agree. I think it was Bwaaaaaaarp who said that stopping the drinking was addessing the symptoms but not the cause (or something like that). Stopping the drinking was essential and hopefully it will give you the space to take a considered look at what you do, why you do it and why you do it in the way that you do it.

I'm hoping the counseling (should it be prescribed) will help with that.

All the best Rubbish, though like others I was thinking a name change was in line with the way you have begun to handle things. Keep going!

Starting to struggle a bit now, I thought being at work would be a distraction, I feel a bit like I'm in a goldfish bowl and i really don't feel like speaking to anyone.

I can't get my wife and daughter out of my thoughts.

Then don't. Turn off phone, email, t'internet etc and watch the Lympics for an hour, catch your breath.

Agreed.

If you had to make a choice, would you rather have your wife and child or your business?

I would walk away from my business without a moment’s hesitation if it would save my marriage and family.

its a massive emotional upheaval. when i split up, i found myself crying about my dad, who'd died years before, stuff just gets locked inside and then bursts out, expect to feel strange after blocking your feelings for years with drink. just remember its going to get better, if you want it to.

Rubbish - you don't say what line of work you are in, but do you think maybe your clients are used to calling you and you jumping on whatever problems or queries they have straight away. Switch your phone off and you might be surprised at how they cope when they realise you are not at their beck and call 24/7.

You mentioned befor ethat your line of work is specialist but there must be others doing something similar. Is there any opportunity to enter into a partnership with somebody else where you retain you own clients but share responsibility for out of hour support? Week on, week off sort of thing.

And if there isn't anyone else doing it, tell your clients you are doing things differently now. If they don't like it they can try to find someone else to do it...

spchantler: "just remember its going to get better, if you want it to."

x100000000

I feel a bit like I'm in a goldfish bowl and i really don't feel like speaking to anyone.

Don't be too harsh on yourself. Remember you've probably just experienced the biggest upheaval and most emotional weekend of your life. Which also came as a bit of a shock. And withdrawing from alcohol (even if you aren't displaying 'physical' symptoms) is likely to cause some anxiety and negativity in your thoughts.

Long-term of course you need to decide how you can deal with work pressures and the way in which you work.

But right now, today, give yourself an hour off. Can you set yourself a target? Work til 12:30, go for a lunch time ride, work a few good hours this afternoon on the proviso you reward yourself? Make sure you leave work on time and go shopping, make sure you go on that road ride, and if you find you are awake and thinking about your family, spend that time productively - plan what you are going to do with your girl and when, ideas for days out etc. And speak to people; friends or just rant on here. Don't allow yourself to become withdrawn.

(And did I say, make sure you go on that road ride.)

Would be going off-road myself! Traffic would do my head in.

As someone who has been through what you're going through quite a few years ago now, I can sympathise. My daughter was 4 yrs old at the time and all the advice in the world cannot dull the pain.

It normally takes a new relationship to make someone make a decisive move....even if that relationship doesn't last. If she is having an affair with someone she's met at the Gym, HE will be very exciting to her at the moment and YOU will be quite the opposite. In fact, she could actually get quite horrible to you whilst this is going on.

Therefore, as someone said previously take it ONE DAY AT A TIME and don't think too much about the future. Try and keep it together and just leave an open offer to her that you would like a second chance. It may take 6 months, but its possible that she may consider it.

Try and be cool and don't do/say anything that could spoil your chances of joint custody.....which is what I had. At present your chances of a reunion sound remote, so whilst you will be scared and completely upset, keep it together and do things to keep you occupied!

@rubbish, you have gotten from this thread a lot of good advice and offers of help from those who have been there. That's hugely valuable. It's time now to follow that up.

FWIW posting comments that your wife has been out of the house a lot, dressing nicely etc. Good she's getting on with her life. If you want to be part of that it's time for you to make some serious changes.

Rubbish, what part of the country are you, my wife and kids are away for a couple of days so tonight and tomorrow I will prob be going for a ride both nights, I'm from a village just outside stafford if you want/need some company and its close enough I'll come ride your area.

I understand your want for anonymity so if this appeals PM me and we'll sort off forum.

I'm hoping the counseling (should it be prescribed) will help with that.

It will and it will also take months to work. In the meantime if your doctor suggests a pharmacological approach I suggest you listen to him. It may be of real value if you find yourself really low, where it can be hard even to motivate yourself to undertake CBT. The latter taking effort on your part as well as the psychologist.

You need to tell your doctor EXACTLY how you've been feeling, you'll probably be given a questionnaire at the end of your appointment which you should fill out truthfully as opposed to "manning up" and pretending things are okay out of pride.

Here are probably the two main treatment options you are going to come into contact with:

CBT - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

In regards to SSRI's see -

(in particular table 2) and http://www.webmd.com/depression/ssris-myths-and-facts-about-antidepressants

As a final thought - you may want to go private if you have the money and find a really good psychologist, especially if you want to move things on as quickly as possible.

FFS....you don't need counselling, you need to pull yourself together, rather than rely on others to do that for you.

When you wake in the middle of the night and the reality of the situation invades your brain and you feel desperate......there won't be any counsellors around to ease your mind. Those are the worst times and you need to deal with it.

Things will improve slowly, but having friends around you to talk to are always better than counsellors. As bad as any situation seems, it will always get better as you adapt your thinking to cope.

Not sure that is entirely helpful or, more importantly, correct Rockape

(FFS)

Rockape - One of the great myths about depression is that you just need to MTFU. A friend of mine has a FAR better life since he STOPPED trying to MTFU about his issue and started taking medication. In time he'll come off it but attempts to do without or stop cold have been nearly fatal to him.

When you wake in the middle of the night and the reality of the situation invades your brain and you feel desperate......there won't be any counsellors around to ease your mind

Not good advice, Rockape.

Well I left the office to go and see my daughter as I new she would be with my wife at home and she was, which was lovely I had a chat with my wife and we spoke about the email, I suddenly realised that I was starting to badger her again so backed off, she is still bringing so much up form the past and adding it to our current problems and insisted she is never coming back, so there and then I let her go, although I said there was still a glimmer we could get back together inside me, but if she insists it's over then for the sake of my Daughter I have to go with her decision.

The papers are being drawn up and I believe her, she isn't saber rattling, in all honesty I don't think me being sober will even change her mind, if it does then great, but most importantly I'm going to be sober for my daughter anyway and my wife has promised me that as long as I sober up then access within reason will be unlimited.

We have now talked about the equity in the house etc, so it's moving on not in the direction I wanted but it's got to move on for everyone's sanity, I actually started to feel quite upbeat maybe it has clicked in my head that it's over, maybe deep down all I was mourning was the loss of my child and full time fatherhood, while this is true as long as I don't drop off the wagon, I will still see a lot of her, maybe, just maybe I don't love my wife as much as I thought I did, it's all very confusing.

I expect my mood to come crashing down again soon, I will add there is a lot more to the circumstances with my wife that I can't divulge as it will give away who I am, needless to say it is far from straightforward but could work out for the best.

God I feel drained after typing all that.

I'm concerned at the amount of relationships on here going down the crapper. Mine too is on extremely rocky soil at the mo. Have all the women gone batshit crazy? (present company excepted) or are we all just being more honest on forums like these?

I dunno what the answer is but I know it's not simple. Trying harder seems to be slowing the rot for me. Ride the wave long enough and you'll come out the other side.....

......(or get smashed on the rocks)

take care

Try and be cool and don't do/say anything that could spoil your chances of joint custody.....

I can't emphasise enough (from having worked in this area) that one thing that WILL affect your chances of joint custody is a track record of heavy drinking. Particularly if you are male. It's very wrong, but the stereotypical image of a heavy drinking male is someone who has the potential to become aggressive/violent, can be a bully, is bad tempered, puts the drinking first and therefore unsuited to caring for the needs of small children. Heavy drinking females are not that much different, but unfortunately the system has a tendency to see heavy drinking/alcoholism in women as a "cry for help" or symptom of stress/mental illness than an inherent personality defect, as it is seen in men. Like I say, it's a completely wrong way to view it, as drink affects women worse if anything because of their reduced alcohol tolerance compared to men, and an alcoholic mother is every bit as awful as an alcoholic father. I'm just warning you because I know the ins and outs of this stuff through previous work.

You MUST show that you are dealing with any drink problem that your wife may cite as a reason for restricting access or going for sole residency, whether that is evidence of seeing your GP, being on meds, attending counselling/AA etc.

You seem to not think there is any way out re your job and the demanding-ness of clients, but if you want decent access arrangements for your daughter, you need to sort it - sorry bud that's the truth, if you can't sort out an appropriate schedule where you can be there for your kid at certain times and not be called out with work (who would mind her if you were called out in the middle of the night?)then you won't even get overnights - frankly, because it wouldn't be in the child's best interests at the age she is now. If you want anything near to joint residency you need to fix both the drinking and the excessive working and show you can step up and cope with the demands of being a dad on your own.

sorry if I'm butt-kicking a bit, but I've worked in this sphere as I said and I know how this stuff works, and the system is stacked against even the most decent and devoted dads who have never put a foot wrong from the word go.

where you can be there for your kid at certain times and not be called out with work (who would mind her if you were called out in the middle of the night?)

I don't get called out as such, it's all telephone based I can do it from the comfort of my bed!

ahh I see - we cross posted there I think, good to hear she won't restrict access as long as you maintain sobriety. Better if you can work it out between yourselves, the family judicial system sucks for all involved.

She is aware of that, the only legal issue is the property, we will work out access etc between us.

Better if you can work it out between yourselves, the family judicial system sucks for all involved.

Rubbish, it sounds like you're doing ok given the circumstances. I've been following this from the first post and the change in you is very positive. Keep going buddy.

And if your clients won't cut you some slack then **** 'em. They ain't worth your daughter and your sanity.

we will work out access etc between us.

Wrong idea mate, get EVERTHING in black and white on the consent order.

Rubbish, Hope your mood is still upbeat and hasn't changed - you are doing really well! it sounds like you are accepting that certain things are final (re: your wife not changing her mind). This might be the case, but maybe not - all you can do is keep communicating with your wife and both of you keep your daughters interests at heart.
Keep drinking water/tea, eat regularly and stay positive.

Wow she must have been thinking this/planning for a while now. This isnt a bitter post but an observation.

Keep strong mate, we are all rooting for you. You have your priorities right; Daughter first and keeping on fair terms with your wife. Good luck fella.

Wow she must have been thinking this/planning for a while now. This isnt a bitter post but an observation.

How on earth do you come to that conclusion?

Hora - please for the sake of the op stay off this thread.

I hate cliche - but others words are betterer than mine:

If - you find yourself going through hell. Keep going.

It is always darkest just before dawn.

And best of all, for matters involving your daughter and confidence you must have in your choices:

Love is the answer and you know that for sure.

Well something happened tonight re the suspicion of her having an affair, I won't go into details as it doesn't put either of us in a good light, nothing to worry about though.

Roses lime juice and soda tonight, sober night number 3.

Still eating crap though.

Been following this from the first and rooting for you fella.

As for the possibility of your wife having an affair, may i recount my own experience - it may have some relevance or it may not, i don't know.

4yrs ago my fiancee walked out saying she didn't love me any more. I fought like crazy and eventually she came back to try again. Unfortunately for us it didn't work and she left again a year later.
Now, prior to the original split she had found some new friends due to her interest in Dr Who (i kid you not!) and had started to go to conventions etc with them. I was fine with this as she'd always had trouble making friends easily.
Anyway, after she left the 2nd time i found out she was seeing someone, although she claimed she wasn't seeing him at the time we split. Of course, i had my suspicions and they later turned out to be verified, but you know what - [i]It didn't matter![/i]

The hurt we did to each other was prior to that, and an affair is only a symptom, not a cause. If there is to be a future for you then the cause is important - not the symptom.

Hope i'm making sense here.

And remember, relationships can come and go but your daughter will always remain your daughter, nothing anyone can ever do can take that away from you so just remember that, going forward, there are two important people in your life- your daughter and you.

**** the rest of them, they don't really matter.

Well I have nothing of note to add, but in all the years of STW, and GoFar before it, I have never seen such unity & a culmination of good will toward the OP, well bar Horak's comments obviously (some things don't change).

Well done STW & good luck to the OP.

Cheers.

Well I have nothing of note to add, but in all the years of STW, and GoFar before it, I have never seen such unity & a culmination of good will toward the OP,

It is quite overwhelming, thanks to all for your support it has been fantastic, I still have a long road to travel though.

It is quite overwhelming, thanks to all for your support it has been fantastic, I still have a long road to travel though.

Indeed, & by the things you have hinted at & that you won't expand on (not that that's a bad thing) It's saying you are getting a grip on the situation, best of luck to you, it won't be easy so stay focused.

Having said I'd leave the thread alone......

rubbish - you've not let on where you are based (I can understand why). A couple of folk have already said they're be happy to meet up for a ride and I'd like to also offer some riding company should you desire it. I'm just outside Edinburgh and do both road and mountain biking. Email is in my profile.

Despite everything that is going on, it seems like you are making good progress and handling it pretty well. Well done mate. No MTFU needed for you 🙂

Thanks Druid a little far from me though, it's either MTFU or fall to pieces I guess.

I've kept away from this thread thus far as I've nothing constructive to add. Just wanted to say, I'm sorry for what's happened, sounds really crappy. Chin up, dude.