Making the tea for the family when I was about 8.
After pouring the boiling water into the teapot.... I decided to find out what would happen if I sucked on its spout.
Rest of the day spent sucking an ice cube.
Put a staple in my thumb to see if it hurt.
Helping the Queen........should've realised she was ommnicompetant and had it all covered herself.
I got the distinct impression she didn't give 2 Fs 4 me SO
I don't think I'll be volunteering again
Cleaning my bike after last years Calderdale Mountain Marathon.
Bike resting on the saddle and bars, wheels up in the air and spinning.
Saw some mud on the calipers, went to whip off with my index finger and almost severed the tip from 10mm down. All the way to the bone and has left a nice scar hehe
Fell into an industrial bin
Jumping off a 30 foot cliff into 12 inches of water. In Ibiza, whilst sober.
It went rather badly, and to add insult to injury the fire men couldn't reach me and the coastguard couldn't get in as the water was too shallow. Took hours, made front page of the Ibiza newspaper and left me with some nice titanium accessories.
Ate deadly nightshade to see if it's poisonous.
Having a 30ft fall whilst rock-climbing and breaking my wrist!
Thinking it would be perfectly safe using a hand sickle to cut some branches while holding them. After a fair few beers.
Hiking up dartmoor when i tripped and had to land on a piece of extremely pointy granite. Ended up with 16 stiches in my knee and surgery to do something to a tendon that was severed (not quite sure, i was out of it on painkillers when they explained what was going to happen)
Somehow managed to ride 2 months later though!
And it was next to a road so i didnt even get a helicopter trip to hospital! 🙁
While prepping for last years 'Puffer I stuck a Leatherman into the fleshy part of my thumb, right down to the bone. Instead of racing i spent the day in theatre having exploratory surgery.
round off tuck dismount on a beam...mis-timed, hit the beam and the floor with my face.
might have said ouch a few times LOL
After a twenty hour bus-ferry-bus-drive back to the north east after a holiday in Cahir, I closed the fire door of my flat which lead out onto a flat roof. To reach I leaned on on the door frame with my left hand and slammed the door closed, snapping the end off my middle finger. Two hours in plastic surgery and all is well.
Oh, there is also that time when I managed to kick my way through a concrete plank fence......
1/ Night ride. Stood in a pothole covered by leaves whilst getting over a stile within 100m of the start. Thought just badly sprained ankle so, after 5 minutes of being blinded by helmet lights, I persuaded everyone to get on with the ride, I then realised I was going to have to crawl back to my car and drive home 1footed. When I finally MTFU'd enough to take off my sealskin sock, the ankle swelled to melon size PDQ. 18 months it took to get fixed after MRIs confirmed 2 knackered ligaments and I needed ankle reconstruction surgery, physio, roadbiking, bike theft and finally back out mountain biking .
2/ Lost front wheel whilst airborne on Morzine downhill. Learning points: bolt thru is king; Met Parachutes are stronger than they look; even if you buy the same size the next day, your head won't fit in it if it's that swollen; chicks love guys with 2 black eyes; the kids in the swimming pool don't (I'm sure the speedos the frenchies made me buy to go in the pool didn't help either?)
And in the last month...
3/ bars too wide for gap in fence misjudgement
4/ new bike lighter so wheelie onto camelbak in Glentress carpark
I am not a riding god
1) putting up tent at sleepless and tearing knee ligament whilst hammering the pegs in. Retired after two laps
2) Drunk and deciding to open some biscuits with a carving knife = A&E
3) doing pogo dance and head butting the door frame in mid leap = A&E
4) traffic cone thrown at me, tried to kick it in mid air, dam those things can be heavy = A&E
5) finger stuck in disc rotor, mashed finger = trip to A&E
tried to 'catch' a falling DVD-RW drive with my foot, hurt a lot, toenail still marked 2 years later
Hovered my wedding tackle over a freshly brewed mug of tea I made for my lass whilst threatening to slash in it (dont ask, I was in a weird mood). So she decided to quash this plan by grabbing the handle and raising the mug till my member was submerged in the super hot beverage. Should have heard me scream. Pain never felt before, and dont want to repeat.
might have said ouch a few times LOL
Everything alright now poppet?
porlus wins ^
Now this is a thread I like.
In order of stupidity
1. Broke my knee trying drop-ins on a skateboard. Showing my son how it's done. When I was in my late 30's.
2. Fell backwards off a wall when messing about. Fell around ten feet and landed on my neck/back. Being drunk probably saved me from serious injury but my neck and shoulder swelled up for around 3 months. Stiff for another month or so.
3. Broke three ribs by balancing (or not) on top of a calor gas bottle.
4. Tried riding along a narrow concrete ledge. Fell off when a dog ran into me, fell some distance and got penetrated by the saddle.
5. Boosted with enthusiasm about how jumpity the bike I'd borrowed was, I did a huge jump off a ramp and hit a tree in the air with my shoulder. Span around in the air for quite a while then hit the ground hard. Deep scar in my shoulder took ages to heal. Still there now.
A night out on pills (Mitsubishi turbo's btw) when I was in my early 20's resulted in me having an argument with Mrs MM over something very trivial and walking off in a huff. For some reason I took a dislike to a garage wall and flicked my right hand in the direction of said wall. Next followed much swearing and pain and a knuckle pushed bank into my hand. What I intended to be a flick turned out to be a full blown punch and a broken knuckle.
Next day I tried to convince the A&E nurse that I fell off a curb and landed on my knuckle. She didn't believe me and I was very embarrassed. 😳
porlus, that is very funny, if not a little weird! 😀 😯
porlus FTW.
Broke my 1st metacarpal opening a particularly stubborn jar of gherkins.
J
I was about 8 yrs old. I'd been watching the circus. You know, where they stand a geezer on the end of a seesaw and jump on the other end.
I made a seesaw with a plank of wood and a kitchen stool. I put a half brick on the one end and jumped for all I was worth on the other end.
The half brick came over and landed on my head!!!!
Trip to A&E ensued.
Daft!!!
SB
Once shut my ear in a car door. Just try and replicate that! I've tried and tried and tried, but have no idea how I managed it!
Demolishing a wall at home and the stone was all removed leaving the wall looking perfect from one side. My stepdad called me into the house then started gobbing off about something and pushing me around a bit, he threw me at the wall and said my face was a picture. As it was just plaster I went flying through it without problems. Unfortunately there was a piece that was made of something considerably more dense than plaster that fell from ceiling height slicing my right hand between the fingers, a couple of stitches and good to go.
Hit one of my door handles when bending over about 4 months ago. Sliced through my bicep.
12 stiches.
I used to live on a farm and when I was about 4 I was riding my bike around the farmyard and I though it would be a good idea to put a strip of white cloth over my eyes and carry on riding. I could just about see through it but not enough to see my Dad reversing a tractor with a crop sprayer attached. I T-bone the sprayer and broke my nose. Wasn't one of my finest hours!
monday night at Peaslake in the cold; last run down from the churchyard to the car park down that rooty slope. Nailed, no probs (I am a Jedi'ed up god after all). My mate is having more issues so i decide to go up to help him out. At which point I slip on one of the roots, slam down right on the point of my knee and I'm still hobbling about now with a knee like a black grapefruit.
When is Jedi going to start courses on walking uphill in spds?
Got my head stuck in a turnstyle as i thought it would be a good idea to put my head between the bars and as they only turn one way my head got stuck. Fire brigade called to cut a turnstyle off my head.. in a busy supermarket too. Came away with bruised ear and ego.
I chopped my finger off by trying to cut a bit of wood with the wrong side of a Swiss Army Knife blade. Unsurprisingly it folded over, neatly slicing almost right through the first joint, severing the tendons and leaving the finger hanging off by a teeny bit of skin. A very clever reconstructive plastic surgeon stuck everything back together so well that it all works pretty much perfectly, it just looks a bit wonky.
exhaustion test, day 1, 100 push up challenge.. 😳
Ice axe through hand practising winter climbing up a tree in July, in Reading. I then had to push start the car to get to A+E. Not big, not clever.
Swiss Army penknife burried up to hilt in thigh whilst cutting the little bobble off the seat belt in order to fit child seat to car for No1 son's first ever outing. Mrs Ambrose and MiL dropped me off at A+E and took son to the seaside. I was still waiting to be seen when they returned.
Decided to see how the new kayak performed, so went to play in Penycau Falls, in spate. Easily Grade V. Flipped, rolled, smashed head on rock. Fractured base of skull. Trip to A+E.
Most of me fell off Carreg y Barcud, Pembrokeshire. Some of me remains wedged in the tiny crack 🙁 Trip to A+E.
Mrs A and I fell off the Midi-Plan traverse. LOTS of blood, like so much I thought I was going to be sick just looking at it. She was lieing face down, the snow was SO red. All she had done was cut her lip. I wrecked the left side of my body and my right knee. Still get flashbacks, almost 25 years later. Trip to French A+E
They are shutting the local A+E. I'm doomed 🙁
bit into a far too hot pork pie.
3rd degree burns to my chin, bottom lip and chest from the hot juice/fat.
I'm stupid, I admit it. cloudnine however is just amazing.
1. Did a small jump when I was about 10 fell off my bike and landed shin first on a brick. I could see both bones in my leg the cut was that deep! 10 stiches later and only one day off school, I did say I wasn't going to ride a bike again, so much for that!
2. About 17 this time acting as the crash test dummy. I did a jump and was going way too fast landed flat on my back from around 6ft up and got whiplash up my whole back. It still bothers me today 13 years later.
3. 18 or so now and jumping again, hooked the back wheel up on a double landed hard on my saddle. The rails bent and i slid off the back onto the brand new Michelin DH tyre. Wearing only addidas football shorts didn't offer me much protection these two factors combined with the only way to stop being the v'brakes ment that my balls had now been sucked in by the tyres and were then squeezed by the rear brake. This resulted in a torn scrotum and a 2 mile walk home. I was too embarrassed to go to the hospital and treated it myself.
I stopped jumping shortly after this.
Grew up on motorbikes. Was de-coking an exhaust one day, which consisted of removing the exhaust and soaking it in petrol then lighting it to burn off the carbon. Got a bit over zealous with the petrol, lit it and it instantly blew me off my feet onto me arse. Could have been worse.
Was kayaking in South Wales and decided to do a long and steep bank launch into the river. Got way more speed down the hill than I thought, hit a rise and then some rocks, launched airborne and rag dolled the last 10 feet upsidedown into the river with a badly wrenched torso for my trouble.
Stuck my thumb in a spinning brake rotor! Dont know why just had to do it, hurt a lot.
Having loft conversion done. Builder moved cast iron radiator - got up early for work, didn't turn light on. Kicked the ****** really hard - goodbye little toe! Made my eyes water I can tell you!
Tried to compress an empty cardboard box by jumping on it on a polished wooden floor. It went one way, I went the other at high speed onto a glass coffee table.
Too numerous to list - it's nice to see I'm in good company on here (not that I really expected otherwise). Here's some high(low?)lights:
Cutting a plastic plumbing pipe on my lap with a stanley knife whilst watching TV - was going well until I stopped concentrating on the cutting...
Broke a rib punt jousting (landed on the side of the punt).
Running along full speed looking down at a map I ran straight into the end of [url= http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?q=bristol&hl=en&ll=51.450662,-2.602183&spn=0.000239,0.00066&sll=53.800651,-4.064941&sspn=14.745606,43.286133&hnear=Bristol,+United+Kingdom&t=h&z=21&layer=c&cbll=51.450662,-2.602183&panoid=LbJkOCAakTNB2wog-qWOCg&cbp=12,3.88,,0,17.09 ]this railing[/url]. The pointy bit hit me in the groin - I couldn't drive for several days as I couldn't lift my left foot off the floor - though it might have been a lot worse if the impact had been an inch to the right!
...and if I'm allowed to mention one which somebody else did, on a winter mountaineering course in Scotland, after a hard day in the hills in lots of dangerous situations, after some bevvies on NYE one of the instructors fell off the platform of the disused railway station we were staying at and broke their arm.
Knocked myself out once on a train, in the good old days of british rail in one of those six seat compartments.
I attempted to crack a coconut using the heavy aluminium sliding door(this was to impress two female occupants sharing the same compartment) I slid open the door to full extent and placed the coconut to the far end against the door frame, using all of my 18 yo strength I slammed the door shut...............on my head !
I was awoken by one of the young ladies who was in tears (of hysterical laughter), her mate had gone to get the guard, I was taken off the train at Crewe and spent two hours in A and E, my Dad came to collect me and told the young Doctor I was probably drunk.
DIY DISASTER
So far :
1)taking an old window out missed the cold chisel i was holding with a lump hammer hit my hand clean on was that swollen and only found id broken it 3 weeks later as went to the docs as it got infected.
2)breaking some wood in the garden put it against a wall and kicked it bounced back and had 2 x 1 1/2 nails go straight into the calf of my leg. had tetanus and was to painfull to ride bike for about 2 months as id gone straight into the muscle.
3) carrying washing downstairs slipped on stairs over a bottle wife had put on the stairs and cracked the same 2 ribs that i had smashed in a car accident few years earlier.
4) in a rush running from bathroom to bedroom to get into bed with the wife misjudged door and kicked door frame and broke little toe.
5) making toffe apples thye were stuck fast to the tray so i used a blunt serated knife slipped and went across my finger cut straight down to the bone. the wifes comment was good job it wasnt sharp!!!
so now if im doing any jobs in the house missus wont leave me on my own Luckily only cuts an bruises fallin of the bike.
Oh I almost forgot, fell off a climb whilst top roping, got spun around and hurt my back against the rock. If only I'd been wearing something on my back to protect me.
