[Closed] Mistresses or lovers. Can it work?

no, but i would imagine your wife will find out sooner or later, then kick you out.
you can't have your cake and eat it forever. 😉

haha. I love the shit people post on here. There should be a television program or a book called 'The sad middlegits of middle road on Singletrackworld"

Amazing. Really first class. I follow Singletrack more religiously than any other soap opera.

Anyway...lets get to the advice. Confront her! Tell her you wanna **** more.

You are a love rat and should be ashamed of yourself!!!

Any pics 😉

Seriously, whilst its not something I'd do, I have known of this sort of thing carrying on without issue. Having said that, I have also knows a couple of situations where things have come to light and families have fallen apart. Everyone can have an opinion but only you know your circumstances truly.

Undoubtedly if it comes on top your kids will be devastated, and it is them who should be considered above all else.

I (sadly) think the answer is to review your marriage. It'll only get worse I think and you have to consider the effect on your family if they find out.

I've seen a lot of couples go through what you're describing. The conclusion is all too common. You need to decide which is more important because they're not compatible IMO.

Just start jacking off in bed and the shower (when she is around), like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty. She'll get the message soon.

Oh the **** Dear this is going to end in tears. My ex wife decided on our honeymoon that she 'didn't really like sex all that much after all'. Fortunately she was Irish and prone to being drunk so I got sex then. Unfortunately she was Irish and prone to alcoholism so I divorced her after 20 years and kept the kids. Happy days, now I have 6 bikes and no woman. Would swap the £40 BMX for a fit bird though if anyone has one spare?

OP Are you a 5 bikes "I'll have my cake and eat it" sort of chap?

Intimacy is very important, but trust more so. Come clean, snap it off and shack up with your new partner. If your wife finds out and tolerates; she is a doormat. For her and your sake untangle it.

Sounds like you've found the right person for now; is this shiny shiny syndrome with t*ts or proper love? When the sparkle has worn off is she still so great? I'm talking snotty, puking, yada yada yada....and still the same in your eyes, or is she an alternative relief to normality?

If it's good, pursue it; you could be hit by a bus tomorrow. But give the people involved some respect. Maybe she's not into you either (based on what you say about intimacy) and you'll be releasing her from the role of wife/mother she has now solidified in?

Good luck, you're going to need it!

just MTFU make a decision and live with the consequences and accept responsibility for your actions rather than acting like some week willed tool.
just listen to yourself, if the lack of sex is all you have to worry about in this life you should count your blessings you great hairy nobend. 🙄

very jolly troll, well done

It will all end in tears.

Oh, and great thread BTW.

its cause you are a crap shag.

Just start jacking off in bed and the shower

I think the Reynolds girls had discovered that that was the lesser of two evils

Just start jacking off in bed and the shower (when she is around), like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty. She'll get the message soon.

Haha. Bravo. Great advice.

How would you feel if your wife was seeing another guy?

Was in a similar situation but seperated for other reasons. Not an easy decision but one that only you can make. Whatever you decide there is going to be a lot of heartache so be prepared!! However, life's too short to be stuck in a miserable relationship.

man up and tell the wife you dont love her.
you obviously dont, or you wouldnt be away ****ing someone else.
you only live once, life is too short to spend with a person you dont love IMO.

[i]I like and respect my wife but she has never ever been keen on hugs intimacy and sex. And less so now. [/i]

So why did you marry her, let alone hang around with her for too long? apart from the respect/like thing. Cos I respect/like a lot of people. It's a genuine question actually.

do you have the face of hell?

Or reduce your own sex drive?

Mistresses or lovers. Can it work?

no. IMVHO

TandemJeremy - Member

It will all end in tears.

plus 1

BTW. I really respect the OP coming out with his probs. Takes some balls. I dunno if stw is exactly the right place 😀

Wifes phone number? I'll get her interested in it again for you

being Serious, either stop or get out, cheating on someone is one of the most awful things you can do to someone else.stop.it.now.

[img] [/img]

He's listening

If you could post a picture of them both nude it would help us to help you to make up you mind.

I started seeing my wife when married to ex. i realised within a month the direction I wanted to go in, and left. decisions of magnitude should never be made by your pecker, sex is usually always more frequent with a new partner.
if everything else in marriage is working just use hookers, much cheaper in the long run....

Ask Deidre

How would you feel if your wife was seeing another guy?

That's a pretty relevant question actually. I've found that a some of my friends simply couldn't believe that their partners were capable of cheating on them, despite the fact that they themselves were doing the dirty. There's nowt more uncomfortable (or karmaic in some cases?) than the realisation that the person you are married to but who 'doesn't like intimacy' actually [i]really, really[/i] does. Just not with you...

Good troll though.

No way I can prove this is not a troll - but it isn't. It's just something I can't talk about with any friends.

Thanks for some really useful comments.

With my wife sex was ok and more frequent at the start but never something which was important to her. And all parents will know how kids change things. She will not discuss this or see it as a valid problem. I do love her I guess and our lives and practical arrangements would be difficult to unpick.

I guess I was hoping that the feelings for my lover would settle down a lot and we could operate as "friends with benefits". This is something which she has suggested. She isn't looking for a live-in partner. We both accept this is likely to be temporary. I was wondering if anyone else here had done or seen this.

It does leave me feeling sometimes very happy, sometimes sad and scared and guilty.

Perhaps not the right thing to bring here and I don't mind any kind of response. Ta.

So what would your response be if the roles were reversed? How would it make you feel?

just askin', not judgin'...

I have no practical advise here, but check out the relationships bit on mumsnet (check out the loss of libido threads and the husband of 20 years cheating type threads for perspective).

Also look for the columns by Dan Savage who has some quite good advice on this kind of thing.

A personal perspective - based on no experience or knowledge (so probably with no value): You have three honourable options 1) Fix your marriage - do you think your wife would agree to councelling? 2) Leave 3) Get your wife to agree to your seeing someone else

desperategit - whilst sex is undoubtably important, as are the 'practical arrangements', there is a huge amount in between. trouble is no sex tends to sway your views on the other things and you become less committed, even though the fundamentals might still be there if you weren't clouded by the dearth of sex.

i am not making much sense here - been up with child number two since 5am, i guess i mean things like friendship, having a laugh and sharing life's experiences together, these to me are the fundamentals and if these are still good and its worth saving get yourselves off for help.

whilst your wife says she wont talk about the sex if she knew the possible outcome it might focus her mind.

if that sounds like bollocks i blame the lack of sleep.

Bullheart : Good question. I would have hoped that if She had said there was something in our marriage we needed to work on I would have done something about it. But I think I have become a dependable if annoying part of the scenery for her. I knew what I was getting into getting married. Comfortable rather than passionate.

So if she was seeing someone else? I'd feel sick and hurt but maybe wonder what I had done wrong.

Over-riding priority for me is the kids having a stable time with what are 90% of the time content parents.

I have avoided opportunities in the past but when your eyes are opened to what you have been missing it's a bit tough. I think, perhaps kidding myself, that this can help me stay rather than leave. Naive probably.

Thanks to everyone else

But I think I have become a dependable if annoying part of the scenery for her.

do you know this or are you trying to justify your current actions?

💡 it appears you have fragmentation in your life causing unrest, your first steps towads oneness and nirvana will be completing your triange, get a threesome going on, maybe your wife is a lesbian and fed up with penis's 💡

I've known many people in your situation.
Those that 'carry on' and keep it a secret, have all lost everything when the missus finds out. And in every case the 'mistress' doesn't want a sad snivelling regretfull bloke on their hands either who'll be paying maintenence for the rest of.

Those that have faced the issues have usually sorted it, marriage guidance is your first port of call.

Never ever ever use prostitutes, if that ever came out you will be ****ed. That's the sort of thing that soon everyone in your whole life finds out about...I can assure you, though not from personal experience. Just imagine your mum and kids knowing.

I'm not being critical... Honest!

Just a thought though. The idea of hurting my wife, regardless of the circumstances or situation, is something I find hard to contemplate. I love her so much that her welfare is above and beyond all other issues in my life.

If that isn't the case with you, do you think that maybe you should let her be with someone that will feel that way about her? Someone who will make her happily, physically and emotionally? Children are sharp and perceptive - if you're not in love with your wife anymore, they will know. There's no kidding the kids...

Good luck though.

I respect my wife (so I am lying to her and betraying her)
I love my wife (so I am happy to make her look a fool in front of our friends and family)
I love my kids (so I am lying to them too and teaching them to never trust thier future partners)
I love my girlfriend (so she has to cut down her life and future to suit whats handy for me and never mind the consequences to her self esteem)

I love.... well quite clearly the only person you utterly truly love is yourself.

Relationships fail even when people do thier best. It happens. It is often beyond a persons control.

Lying, betrayals and deceit are a free choice only you have made, entirely for your own benefit.

I don't know how to word this politely, but as I asked earlier how would you feel if your wife was seeing someone else? If she's suddenly off sex chances are she's gone elsewere too.

Not too bothered if OP is a troll or not. This is about respecting women and your family.

[i]I like and respect my wife[/i]

No you don't. Otherwise you wouldn't be doing what you are.

"lack of sex"

The thing is, it's not sex for sex-sake. It's physical intimacy and people need it, more or less, as a component of a fulfilling relationship, perhaps more-so men and the OP. So he has taken a huge risk with his family relationships to satisfy that need. And now he is entangled because he "loves" the mistress. It was curious that he did not say he loved his wife, only liked and respected. IMO he does love his wife a great deal, maybe more than his mistress, but his perspective on love incorporates the need for physical intimacy.

It is a tough choice:

1. Selflessly love his wife and children but learn to live without satisfying the physical needs

2. Love his mistress to satisfy the physical need, and cause his family years of misery.

Everyone is different and I would not blame the OP either way actually.

There might be a third way, but it's the highest risk: Confront the wife and present the infidelity as evidence of the "broken" marriage and offer to put it right, if she plays her part. Put the ball in the wife's court. If she still wants him, and to keep the family together, then it's possible that the broken marriage can be saved and there could be some degree of the physical intimacy the OP needs. Of course it's hard on the mistress, and OP will have to sacrifice his feelings of "love" for her. Or it could all go wrong and everyone is damaged and the OP is left alone.

The very best of luck.

[i]Confront the wife and present the infidelity as evidence of the "broken" marriage and offer to put it right, if she plays her part. Put the ball in the wife's court. If she still wants him, and to keep the family together[/i]

In other words; I'm shagging some-one else, and it's your fault!!

men can be tossers sometimes, you know that?

Harsh but fair. And I feel upset that I am doing this. But it's my decision. Midnighthour you are probably right. trouble is relationships are not either perfect or over. In some countries and some times having a lover would have been almost expected

No it's not a sudden change. And She still does not want to talk. And the issue isn't about respecting women, or female solidarity. I have seen them behave the same way. It's about how we keep things going as we grow older. I am guessing a few posters have not achieved 20 yrs of fidelity yet. Lots of other threads here have given examples of things going wrong from either side.

But the answers here are pretty clear. It won't work as an outlet/safety valve. I need to find other ways of dealing with this. Ta.

my wifes ex workmate had an affair with her old boss (husbands business partner) for 20 years... the husband never knew, the woman said it enhanced her marriage as she got her 'bit on the side' but kept the marriage stable and the kids grew up fine.

this is a minority i guess, i dont condone it by any means.

just one thing, the kids come first!

men can be tossers sometimes