[Closed] Mate in a dilemma

I'm somewhat surprised that the responses here have been so conformist. It's clear that 'your mate' and his wife still have feelings for each other, given that they both want to stay together. Yet, the wife has a tendency to roam, and now so too does the husband. Why, is that such a bad thing in a marriage? A more open approach would allow you both to stay together as you want, yet have no recriminations about a bit of recreational "how's yer father". Ok, some ground rules need to be, e.g. not in our bed, not while I'm in the house, etc.

But i see no reason why this couldn't work. It does for many others

What would be the best outcome for you, OP?

What would be the best outcome for you, OP?

well, I think some of the probs could be solved if [post edited. Mod]

given that they both want to stay together

Perhaps she just sees him as a mug who will put up with her shagging around yet put a roof over her head?

Do they? Or do they just assume they should stay together or fear the financial hardship breaking up will bring?
Perhaps she just sees him as a mug who will put up with her shagging around yet put a roof over her head?

Neither of those exclude their wanting to stay together, and her shagging around won't be a problem if it's part of what they do.

At the risk of going against convention (especially on this forum), [i]don’t[/i] go all out for the awesome girl. Sure, she may be totally wonderful, but once bitten, twice shy. Didn’t you use to feel like this about your wife?

It sounds as if your marriage is over, but at the very least try to fix it – Relate would be a good move. If your wife refuses, that tells its own story. If you and she are prepared to work at it, then isn't that what you really want?

Either way, please don’t jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. You need to get over this relationship before you jump into the next one, otherwise you and the awesome girl will have a short time of fantastic sex but nothing else to sustain the relationship; it might work, but the odds are that you'll break up after a month or so, if you're trying to sort out a divorce at the same time.

If she’s that awesome, she deserves better, no?

otherwise you and the awesome girl will have a short time of fantastic sex but nothing else to sustain the relationship; it might work, but the odds are that you'll break up after a month or so

This is true, stay away, after all, all you have to gain is a month of fantastic sex.

If there's no kids involved... grow up and get out, put on your best wry smile and move on..
it's not Beverly Hills 90210 FFS..!

Life is short and shouldn't be squandered trying to hold on to a bullshine fake romance.. don't even think about it for a second.. if you're having doubts about it but still hanging on then you're just feeding your desperation.. there really are plenty more fish in the sea.. don't be wasting your life confusing love with insecurity..

Fall in love as often as you can..
end of thread

Mate you know what to do, so grow a pair and bloody get on with it.
Sorry for seeming insensitive but you know full well wifey needs to Foxtrot Oscar. You are just dragging it out now so do the best thing for everyone and throw her out now.
Don't rush into it with the awesome chick, you'll f*** it up and she'll only think your rebounding.
BTW, I think STW should decide if she's awesome or not so pics now please.

Being driven by your d*ck is never a good option. It'll be short term at best and the probability of hurting both you and "awsome girl" high. Your "wife" will most likely not understand your infidelity either (despite her infraction) therby greating a whole emotional hornets nest of angst/guilt/recrimination.
Clean break the only viable option IMO, then once settled take an approach at "awsome girl" and take it easy.
Your friend sounds like a decent moral sort, try to guide him to play to his strengths.
No need for d*ck logic.

Using "he" is not going to be enough to help you get a super-injunction once you get the hottie preggers.

It sounds as if your marriage is over, but at the very least try to fix it

If it sounds like the marriage is over then it almost certainly is - why waste time dragging things out? Get rid, get over - move on. Things will never be as they were however hard you try to patch things up. You could try sure, but this sounds past that stage and what's the point in delaying the rest of your life?

If it sounds like the marriage is over then it almost certainly is

Not the case. I'm living proof of that.

Actually some really good advice on here - I know its lame asking for such from a bunch of strangers on the internet but solution or not sometimes its handy just to blurt stuff out to strangers without recrimination - so thanks for that.

I think awesome girl isn't the solution, more of a wake up call to how my mate has been living.

Bullheart - you asked what the best outcome would be - I'd say roll back time, change what I was doing wrong (though if I'm honest Im not sure what that is, although it must be something), wife not have an affair - but you cant roll back time so the second best thing would to rekindle our relationship and for us both to be happy like we used to be - we were until all this happened and had been together for 10 years , maybe I just got complacent.

Other than that, god knows - I'm not rushing into anything with awesome girl, and I prob never will - Its all more about how its changed how I think about things - I'm prob not making a lot of sense here

so the second best thing would to rekindle our relationship and for us both to be happy like we used to be

There's your answer then. Just how hard are you willing to work to get to that stage then?

Nothing worth having ever came easy.

Can I use the phrase "hit it like a ginger stepkid"?

Just chocked on my banana... 😀

I thinks this has got to the point where I sound like a self-absorbed attention %$£" - so with that I'll thank you for all your comments, some surprising helpful, some very funny - lots to think about

Time to return to my usual forum persona 🙂

Headmash may make a return sometime in the future if anything ever gets resolved

cheers guys

Not the case. I'm living proof of that.

Mate, hats off to you then and I guess it can work in some cases.

At the end of the day though this girl has cheated for a second time after apologising for the first time. That kind of says a lot about her character to me. Who's to say she's not still doing it a third time but the OP has just not found out about it yet?

The key I guess is whether she's cheated because its just in her nature to do that, or whether she's cheated because there's something that is genuinely wrong with the relationship. If it's the first then the OP needs to get rid. If it's the second then it might be something that's fixable.

I'd still be tempted to get rid to be honest and move on - especially if there's no kids involved.

Whilst working away his wife was cheating on him

I'd say roll back time, change what I was doing wrong (though if I'm honest Im not sure what that is, although it must be something)

Would "awsome girl" be any different?
If she is so "awsome" why is she still single?

This girl could be great - the best thing since sliced bread, and the OP will never find out unless he goes for it? Why is she still single? Strange way to judge someone? Weren't we all single at some point?

Its all more about how its changed how I think about things - I'm prob not making a lot of sense here

IMHO,

The new girl is neither problem nor solution, but a symptom. With respect to the "what should he do?" question, she is irrelevant.

Wife cheats once, mistakes happen, it's a wake-up call that something needs to change.

Wife cheats twice, it's a sign that whatever you're doing to fix the problems, it's not working.

Wife cheats twice [i]with the same person,[/i] all bets are off, she wants to be with the cheatee rather than the husband and hubby would be doing all three parties a favour by breaking up with her.

This girl could be great - the best thing since sliced bread, and the OP will never find out unless he goes for it? Why is she still single? Strange way to judge someone? Weren't we all single at some point?

I don't know anyone who has just walked into a perfect relationship, where everything has been fantastic all of the time with no compromise and no arguments. Anyone who thinks that it is just a question of finding the right girl is (IMHO) a bit naive.

If the OP has invested 10 years in his relationship, then it would be foolish to throw it aside without due consideration.

OTOH, if he feels that trust can never be restored, then better to face the facts and make the break.

I think there is some good advice on here, and the last poster has it good. There is never a perfect relationship..

The OP has now left the building.
I hope the OP finds what he's looking for and one thing he's just let out of the bag is this..

Awesome Girls is just a wake up call.. Well there you go see.. You are now seeing the possibility of a future without your current wife.

Thats to be encouraged. And you should feel such realising that there are most definetly people out there who feel like you and actually like you too.

Whoop.