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A friend of mine said he hadn't seen me for many months..
I told him i'd had the shits since christmas... but they're back at school now so I should be free...
DrP
Why do you never see bears hiding in the woods?
Because they’re really good at it.
What happens when you cross a brown bear with a grizzly bear?
You get killed and eaten.
My ex wife told me I have 2 major faults... that I never listen..and something else..??
DrP
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive you should try swimming with sharks. Cost me an arm and a leg.
I bought a book on addiction. I’ve read it 14 times this week alone.
I read a book about superglue. Couldn't put it down
What’s E.T. short for?
It’s because of his little legs.
"Sorry to learn Piers Morgan has been sacked from GMB. I’ve left him a message of sympathy on my own voicemail."
Some old classics from an old Canadian - not me, Stewart Francis, obvs.
I’ve had loads of jobs. I was a trampoline salesman, off and on.
I was in the park wondering why the frisbee gets bigger the closer it gets, and then it hit me!
Deaf sheepdogs; they’re hard to come by.
Oh, that is good. 👏👏
Why do Husbands die before their Wives.
Because they want too.
Man goes to prison, gets put in a cell with Mike Tyson, when the door gets locked Mike asks "do you want to play Mummy and Daddy?" Man thinks about and says "yes" Mike asks "do you want to be Mummy or Daddy?" Man thinks about it and says "Daddy" Mike says "ok pop over here and give Mummy a blow job"
I applied for a job at a Blacksmiths.
They asked me if I had ever shoed a horse.
I said “No but I once told a donkey to **** off”
Some mornings it just doesn't feel worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
My computer beat me at chess,but it was no match for me at kick boxing .
Another Tim Vine
“Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.”
Emo Philips finest
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks
One from jerry sadowitz:
'Michael Ryan? He's my hero. He didn't discriminate, he shot everybody.'
Why does no-one ever feel like a left tit? But I'm giving up on rhetorical questions. What's the point?
My wife was in tears when she called me from A&E, I said what's wrong, she said I've just seen my x-ray, I said dont talk to him, just ignore him.
The inventor of the sexual innuendo sadly passed away today.
His wife is taking it really hard.
My girlfriend asked me for an innuendo earlier, so I gave her one.
Would that make it an 'innurendo'?
No, that's an Italian suppository.
Emo Philips finest
When I was a child my parents told me "Don't open the cellar door, never open the cellar door!"
But one day I did.
And I saw incredible things. Trees, grass, clouds...
(From memory, should google for the right phrasing)
Bob - My wife went on holiday to the Carribean by herself.
Alan - Jamaica?
Bob - No, she went of her own accord.
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies.
A man walks into a bakers in Glasgow and asks "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?". The Baker replies "Naw, you are right".
I went to the funeral yesterday of the man who invented the USB connector.
They lowered his coffin into the grave, took it out, turned it round and put it back in.
The undertaker mentioned to me they had a right old game when the writer of the Hokey Kokey died and they struggled getting him into the coffin.
My girlfriend asked me for an innuendo earlier, so I gave her one.
Then a roadie walked past, and gave her one too.
A friend of mine plays in an orchestra and recently, while walking across the concert hall he tripped, fell and managed to hit his head on the timpani, xylophone, cymbals, triangle, snare drum, bass drum, tambourine and maracas.
He'd felt a bit dizzy afterwards and the doctor said he'd probably got a mild percussion.
They lowered his coffin into the grave, took it out, turned it round and put it back in - then realised it was right the first time so took it out turned it round again and put it in for the third time.
FTFY
A cop pulled me over and said “papers”.
I yelled “scissors” and drove off.
I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home they where still there.
My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start but I just made it.
Boy: “Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
Dad: “No sun.”
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home they where still there.
My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start but I just made it.
Boy: “Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
Dad: “No sun.”
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I know a Polish sound engineer, and a Czech one too.
[strong]Sandwich[/strong] wrote:
Emo Philips finest
I was walking down the street one day when a man nailing tiles on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo..... in morse code
Did you hear about the clumsy vasectomist? He slipped and got the sack.
A clairvoyant dwarf escaped from prison last night. The headline today "Small Medium at Large"
2 blonds walk into a building. You'd have thought one of them would have seen it.
"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?" my late wife asked me last week.
My pal claimed she could predict people’s future by ‘reading’ their tea leaves.
I tried the same thing, but with baked beans.
All that I got was Heinz-sight.