I think that if you are in a relationship with someone who is worthy of you then you should try: As a bloke you are always going to fancy your partner less as time goes by but that there is a real skill in making the most of what you have; learn to make yourself feel more intimate with the other person, don't be standoff-ish and male...learn to engage with your own feelings. If you can be really happy just snuggled up to your partner, the rest will happen by itself; women really tune in to that vibe from blokes!
As a bloke you are always going to fancy your partner less as time goes by
Sorry buddy, that's bollocks. We've been together 26 years, married for 20 and I've still got the hots for Mrs. C.
Not married myself, but been with partner for 12 years and have a kid age 3. Since kid sex happens less but the most important thing is being a happy partnership to bring up kid. Sex happens when it happens, I dont worry about it.
Say what?
😯
Best route to a good continuing sex life is no children. Probably. Works for me anyway (15y married).
Say what?
try throwing in a comma or growing up a little.
sex is a key ingredient to the relationship, along with love, respect, friendship.
without one of these 4 ingredients, the recipe is spoiled.
There's been ups and downs in the last 28 years here. Currently we are adjusting to the empty nest and rediscovering that we still rather like each other. Talk is good OP and make sure you are pulling your weight with the domestic and emotional stuff. Good luck.
Don't agree ton, every single relationship is different from the next. There is no formulae.
johndoh, my reply was what my mrs told me to put,
men don't know the answer to such things....ask your wife, her answer will differ from yours.
As a bloke you are always going to fancy your partner less as time goes by
Sorry buddy, that's bollocks. We've been together 26 years, married for 20 and I've still got the hots for Mrs. C.
I think he was probably referring to the spark of attraction which is a fair point and it's certainly not bollocks, you're just fortunate that that part of your relationship has remained intact better than most. Don't gloat too much about it 😉
Blimey you only need to look at the amount of broken marriages, affairs etc. to see what a challenge this is to a large proportion of society. I think it's this perceived goal of a perfect, long lasting, highly sexed relationship that causes a lot of problems. Hollywood and others suggest this is achievable when in reality we're still animals and this modern idea of a monogamous relationship is a hard thing to do for most.
the most important thing is being a happy partnership to bring up kid. Sex happens when it happens, I dont worry about it.
This is spot on IMO. Nicely put.
I have thought about leaving/playing away many, many times but can't bring myself to do it. I couldn't leave the kids (x2).
You are obviously a decent man on that count then.
I think there's two foundations for a happy relationship - love/friendship and/or sex..
Either foundation is a recipe for success and if you have solid foundations in both categories then you have a recipe for greatness..
I don't know if the majority of people do very well on either count..
sex is a key ingredient to the relationship, along with love, respect, friendship.
without one of these 4 ingredients, the recipe is spoiled.
Whilst respecting that all relationships are different, for me and mine, that comment is one of the most sensible things I have ever read here. I would add though that the proportions of those don't need to be equal, but they should all be present.
I heard something once along the lines of "If he really cared about her then he wouldn't expect her to have sex with him". The converse is "If she really cared about him then she would want to have sex with him"
Personally, I think I'd explode, or certain bits of me would if I was in a relationship where there was no physical barrier to being intimate.
Ha ha ha!! Why just as a bloke would you fancy your partner less - jeez think of what we have to look at with widening waistlines, receding hair in places - advancing in others . . .
The whole orchestra of noises that seems to be common with a lot of men as they age . . .
Joking aside I think both sides need to put the effort in to maintain a good working relationship - and not just assuming each other will just fancy or do it for the other forever more regardless
Even shulgins novelty wears off
Opps! ;-D
I am sure I remember a thread on here where some people were very open about their lack of interest in sex. From that as well as other info it seems that for some people sex isn't that important - for others it is key. I think the truly sad thing is where that happens in a relationship. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I couldn't share that intimacy with the person I loved because it wasn't important to them.
Interestingly, Alexander Shulgin developed an excellent 'pharmaceutical' in the 1960's that was found to be very effective in helping couples rediscover their intimacy
Is it that new Chocolate Baileys? Mrs V's on her second bottle and it seems to be working recently.
There ain't nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.
It has been known for some contraceptives to screw up the female sex drive. Have you thought about checking this out?
ton - Member
sex is a key ingredient to the relationship, along with love, respect, friendship.
without one of these 4 ingredients, the recipe is spoiled.
Absolutely. IMO sex and or intimacy is the glue that holds all of the other parts of a relationship together. Without it it's not a relationship. It's friendship or companionship. Sex changes over time, frequency especially. The Wife and I have been together 23 years. It's very different now than it was then. But without any we wouldn't be together.
IME men and women treat sex differently. Women need the relationship to be in a good and solid place to want to share intimacy. Men need it to feel close and connected to their partner, then other parts of the relationship improve. Catch 22, but both have to work at it.
OP. Have your expectations from your wife changed? Are you now expecting something different or has she the one changing or withholding things? It sounds like she is not interested in whatever it is you want, and or she doesn't know how serious it is to you.
Counselling would be my advice. But both of you need to be involved and fully committed to it.
OP, what exactly is it that you want your wife to do?
@AW - absolutely, and the results of the effort to keep ones self attractive to ones partner is probably less important than the fact that the effort is being made.
@ cloudnine ( page 1 ) Powertools????? Had to laugh..
So if I put those shelves up......
If they fit, I think I see your issue.
I have two friends who have been married for a while with young kids and are in sexless relationships.
One had an affair with his wife's friend, left his family, took on her kids and is now unhappy, suffering from guilt about leaving his kids and does not seem to be having much fun between the sheets with his new squeeze.
The other is ex-forces and, when it became obvious that weekends away, doing chores etc. were not going to change started seeing prostitutes to satisfy his urges. He had done this before when younger and on leave so it was not a new thing. He is still married with happy kids and seems to genuinely love his wife.
My own sex life is ok (twice a month on average) but if it were not then, based upon my mates experiences, I think I could seek sexual release from a professional and live with the guilt rather than splitting up my family.
Have namechanged for this sort of stuff before as 😳 but it's not like I actually know most people on here (and I expect some might suggest it explains a lot).
[quote=freddyg ]Not had any "physical relations" with the missus since Little MissG was conceived. She's 7 in May
Heck - and I thought I had it bad with 5.5 years after conceiving our first, in which time we did manage to conceive another on our only attempt. That takes me to two years ago, and we're not exactly going like bunnies since then.
[quote=anagallis_arvensis ]Since kid sex happens less but the most important thing is being a happy partnership to bring up kid. Sex happens when it happens, I dont worry about it.
You don't worry about it because it does happen (more than once or twice a year presumably).
[quote=Cletus said]based upon my mates experiences, I think I could seek sexual release from a professional and live with the guilt rather than splitting up my family.
That depends on what you actually miss about sex. Though the fear of the grass not being greener is probably the reason a lot of us haven't done anything about getting it elsewhere.
DrJ - I am a bit confused about you complaining about your wife not turning you on though, as I'm not sure that's the issue most of us have.
You don't worry about it because it does happen (more than once or twice a yea
True, my post was more in response to those suggesting we should all still be going at it like rabbits. Things change. Obviously if it drops to zero or very rare then issues arise.
human beings have a design flaw.
rule one: we are designed as animals to reproduce for survival of the species - we've been good at this, look at the over populated world 😉
rule two: around this we have the concept of a relationship, to support said offspring until they are old enough to look after themselves.
rule two b: around this we have created a concept called marriage.
the flaw is that we continue to want to reproduce which is all well and good if the agreed partner in the relationship also does.
if not then we might look elsewhere to fulfil our design and this might break rule number 2. rule two seems to be supported by society, the rules of our culture. we feel guilty if we break rule two by fulfiling rule one with somebody else.
dont think that helped. I'll go and get a cup of tea.
It seems that generally the following applies (as I think someone has already pointed out):
For a man, sex with their partner allows them to feel close and connected. For women, closeness and connection must happen to allow them to have sex.
That's a massive catch 22 but it does imply that both sides have to work at it for things to be a success.
It's no good the woman expecting connection, love and romance if she's not prepared to work on the sex side. Similarly, if the sex isn't there it's no wonder even the most self disciplined of men will quickly doubt their relationship and start to look elsewhere.
Therefore I'd say that generally, women who have affairs are looking for love, romance and connection. Men are looking for sex.
Of course there are always exceptions to the rule but I'd guess the above picture is fairly accurate for 90% of the population.
Everyone is different and to some people it has more importance than to others especially if BOTH are in agreement. However
Not had any "physical relations" with the missus since Little MissG was conceived. She's 7 in May
*7yrs without sex. Have you spoken to your partner about this? You obviously aren't both in agreement.
On the opposite scale of the spectrum a friend of mine who is a teacher was shocked to hear a couple at it in the next bed [b]post[/b]-birth (Wythenshawe General if it helps..)
*We only live once so why should you go without? Flip it around, if you didn't want it and your partner did - would you be happy her being without? No.
My wife has taken to claiming she wants to have children.
I'm genuinely not sure she knows where they come from. 🙂
hora - Member*7yrs without sex. Have you spoken to your partner about this? You obviously aren't both in agreement.
Yes. Many, many times.
If you don't mind me asking was it a traumatic birth?
Wow... I think I owe Mrs Weeksy an apology based upon some posts on here.
I thought I was being hard done to !
If you have not read it already, I strongly recommend the first chapter of Dan Savage's "Savage Love". It is called something like "It is never OK to cheat. Except when it is".
hora - Member
If you don't mind me asking was it a traumatic birth?
Not at all. Ever since we said "I do" it was like a switch was flicked; before that, we used to be at it like rabbits. It was two weeks before we even consumated our marriage.
I do love her and have always worked on the assumption that no relationship is 100% perfect. Some couples argue, fall out, loose trust etc. We don't have sex. Some of the posts up there about seeking professional intervention have got me thinking.... But could I handle the guilt?? Probably not.
Yes come on then those of you still at it like rabbits - what's the secret? Is it just all about picking the right other half?
I've literally no idea. I do know that if I didn't fancy my other half I'd treat it like a friendship and I would look to leave and meet someone with who I did fancy. I (personally) think that one of the indicators of a healthy relationship is both being with someone who you don't get bored with, can relax and want to 'bed'.
A living arrangement is where one of the above is missing.
Jeez...where do I start with this one...
I can empathise with so many posts on here. My sex drive is much higher than my partners and this has caused too many problems and a real block in any activity. My depression certainly does not help. I think there has to be compromise, if, both people love each other and want to have a good level of intimacy.
I blame porn for my problems.
weeksy - Member
Wow... I think I owe Mrs Weeksy an apology based upon some posts on here.I thought I was being hard done to !
This got me thinking.....
(I can't think of a diplomatic way of asking this.)
Do you chaps "ask" for sex? Does the missus lie back and think of England while you "go at it"? Apologies, I can't think of a better way of putting it... Maybe my view is a bit too romantic?
Not at all. Ever since we said "I do" it was like a switch was flicked; before that, we used to be at it like rabbits. It was two weeks before we even consumated our marriage.
Ahh, the classic 'Bait and Switch' 🙄
This got me thinking.....(I can't think of a diplomatic way of asking this.)
Do you chaps "ask" for sex? Does the missus lie back and think of England while you "go at it"? Apologies, I can't think of a better way of putting it... Maybe my view is a bit too romantic?
I found dragging her up stairs by the hair kicking and screaming was counter productive.
freddyg - arrange a family member-babysitter for overnight, book a hotel in town (doesn't need to be far) and agree to switch off mobiles. Take mrsFreddy out for a meal. Tell her NO SEX but you want to give her the best oral ever. See where it leads.
(Sorry to be a bit graphic but if it was me - this is what I'd do). don't put any pressure on her/or imply any. Simply dress it up as fun/a night away from the kids.
You are a human first then a Dad. Everyone needs a break.
