[Closed] Is sex the most important thing

This thread is useless without pictures.

If she says no it's not important to her, but recognises your need, does clear the way for a bit on the side?

Not sure.

I do know it's very useful in Scrabble.

How many so called "great marriages or relationships" are built on or kept going by sex? The trouble is you'll never get a true answer as too many people will not want to be seen by others as "failing"
There are many many things that keep relationships together and if you need proof ask any soldier who's had his legs and tackle blown off by an IED and they're still very happily married/living together. Love and trust go much deeper than sex. Lots and lots of opinions I'm sure but only you know if your actually happy on all fronts to stay together.

Up to the individuals, see a counsellor (for talking, not sex).

DrJ are you me... You're not alone !

But the feelings can change depending what's going on in your brain !

If you've been with someone for a while, and they just don't turn you on

Pulse, check
Naked, check
Not going to phone the police, check.

Whats not to like.?

DrJ, Unfitgeezer + me. Not had any "physical relations" with the missus since Little MissG was conceived. She's 7 in May 😐

Maybe she stopped bothering 'cos you just don't turn her on anymoar?

Hadge - Member
There are many many things that keep relationships together and if you need proof ask any soldier who's had his legs and tackle blown off by an IED and they're still very happily married/living together.

Yes but physically being unable to have sex is different to being unwilling, it breeds (ho ho) resentment.

The one universal truth about relationships is the smartie (or M&M) rule. For every time you have sex with your partner before marriage you put a smartie in a jar. For every time you have sex after marriage you take a smartie out of the jar. No-one has ever emptied the jar! If they say they have then they're lying, or double dipping.

Not had any "physical relations" with the missus since Little MissG was conceived. She's 7 in May

Really.? I thought blokes just joked about this sort of stuff but 7 years FFS.!!!

Really.? I thought blokes just joked about this sort of stuff but 7 years FFS.!!!

Unfortunately, yes.

I have thought about leaving/playing away many, many times but can't bring myself to do it. I couldn't leave the kids (x2).

The one universal truth about relationships is the smartie (or M&M) rule. For every time you have sex with your partner before marriage you put a smartie in a jar. For every time you have sex after marriage you take a smartie out of the jar. No-one has ever emptied the jar! If they say they have then they're lying, or double dipping.

Interesting. What does that say about marriage in particular I wonder? I know the same applies to long-term relationships, but then that's easier to get out of (I assume, never married).

I mean, I often wonder whether some people get married out of a feeling of insecurity. Kind of 'a contract to seal the deal' rather than a religious thing... again, only speculating.

Maybe you need to up your game.. new techniques, ropes, blindfolds, cosplay, power tools, whatever you fancy to change it up and keep it fun. Either talk to your Mrs or just start surprising her.

wobbliscott - I understand the sentiment - but I couldn't make a packet of revels last 20 years - so there 😉

Every relationship needs working on.

Cynic-al hit it on the head.

DrJ, think you'll find a large number of married men (I won't say the majority as some will be along soon enough to say they get it 7 times a night) will have a similar story.

Things change in life, kids bring a tiredness that you just get used to, working long hours, lack of time with just each other all combine to create a scenario that soon becomes the norm.

My wife gives me the low down on all her girly nights out and apparently at twice a month I'm top of the class, several men in FreddyGs situation.

Why do you think we all hang out here and bicker and moan all day 🙂

Sex is like air.

It's only important if you're not getting enough.

just satisfy yourself and keep your finger in (so to speak) with marital copulation every now and then. Everyone's a winner! Lots of bonding takes places when you see sparks together so I feel it's important to keep some physicality going.

Jam, I'm not sure, I've never tried to philosophise over it. It is mainly pub talk - usually post 4th pint caveman talk. But I don't think its unusual in the typical marriage (not according to the straw pole from my mates) , especially after kids. I'd rather have a lie in than a romp on the sack these days.

Maybe she stopped bothering 'cos you just don't turn her on anymoar?

It's not really that she stopped bothering, it's that she doesn't acknowledge, or accept, that things are different for me. Suppose your wife said to you "it would really turn me on a lot if you wore Mickey Mouse ears in bed" (I just invented that. Honest ...) What would you do?

Never been one for a massive sexual appetite me, just less than the normal appetite ( so I've been told ) & I'm happy with that.

Lots of my married mates say similar - whinging that the last time their misses was in the mood was months ago. All have been tempted to have have a quick affair just to get sex. Not one has done so yet but I guess it's just a matter of time before one of them cracks to temptation. Shame, they all love their other halves deeply, it's just that the physical closeness is missing.

Does anyone know if it's possible to sustain a long term relationship and keep the physical side going too?

Married 33 years, 1 grandchild, and I ran out of smarties years ago. Pass your jars over could you, I think I'll be needing one this evening 😉

The OP could be living on the moon as far as I'm concerned. I've been married 19 years and our intimate life is as good (and as frequent) as ever.
I think you are the problem!

I think you are the problem!

Yes, of course that's true, but it doesn't provide a solution.

I won't say the majority as some will be along soon enough to say they get it 7 times a night

The OP could be living on the moon as far as I'm concerned. I've been married 19 years and our intimate life is as good (and as frequent) as ever.

It didn't take long

I wasn't getting any I would certainly be looking elsewhere , 7 days without any is too long for me , I think there is something wrong in a relationship of there is no sexual attraction

I'd give it a whirl as I might like it. Have you tried getting her drunk?

Seriously though, have you made time for each other, a day out without all the other crap in life, get rid of the kids for a day every month or so?

Often it's not a lack of attraction it's a lack of time and energy. We get up at 6am during the week, by the time we've dealt with kids, household stuff, actually unwound from the day enough to start to think about it, the other one is usually asleep in front of the 10 o'clock news. Once a month hormones overtake exhaustion....

To the OP - sounds like you have got to the point of counselling though - take freddyg along if it's but one get one free

[i]t would really turn me on a lot if you wore Mickey Mouse ears in bed[/i]

/Checks for Cameras in the samuri bedroom

Seriously though, I expect lots of relationships taper off as people get older, especially after kids. Ours did. We can go a couple of weeks without any and then have a couple of nights on the run. I expect that's about average.

/STW
It probably takes the wife a couple of weeks to recover. eh! EH!!!

Sex is maybe ten percent of our relationship; the rest is made up of equal measures of, wanting to protect and care for her, fear of her and Mortal fear of her mother.

If you keep acting as you are nothing will change. I think it's evident that you want things to change, so you have a few options.

You can seek professional help for a serious problem in your relationship and try and fix things with your wife.

You can address your short term sexual needs elsewhere with all that that entails

You can call it a day, draw a line under this relationship and move onto pastures new

You can carry on as is

I think I'd try the first option and find out why things are as they are before considering any of the others, I assume you love your wife or you'd have left already.

"it would really turn me on a lot if you wore Mickey Mouse ears in bed" (I just invented that. Honest ...) What would you do?

Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship but the entire world is made up of people I dont have sex with so the one at home has to be different IMHO.

It will obviously reduce once you are married and have kids but if it reduced to none i would struggle.

IME - and not saying this is true of all or the OP or any one elese- the sex stopping in my marriage was indicative of a major problem between us and not a cause. We both wanted to have sex just not with each other

Ask yourself if there's something worth saving there, if there is, you have to make each other see how you feel and try to work it out, and meet each other's needs. If you are not prepared to live without sex, and she won't have sex, there is nothing wrong with saying that you won't put up with it and leaving, otherwise you'll be miserbale, and so will everyone around you. For Christ's sake don't stay together for the sake of the children. My daughter and step-kids used to have one miserable home, they now have two happy ones.

I was in Freddy G's situation - 10 years rather than 7. In my case there was plenty else wrong with the relationship. I left. I am now married to someone else, I've never been happier, we've been together 5 year and the smartie jar was empty a long time ago.

DrJ - Member
I think you are the problem!
Yes, of course that's true, but it doesn't provide a solution.

Errr, it does! You're the solution! Counselling has been suggested, there is one way to help you find it.

Interestingly, Alexander Shulgin developed an excellent 'pharmaceutical' in the 1960's that was found to be very effective in helping couples rediscover their intimacy when it was trialled. Unfortunately, the powers that be decided that it should be made a controlled substance and clinical trials stopped.

And it's not Viagra, for those who don't know who Shulgin is/was.

Have you just stopped fancying her or has she changed in some way that has brought this about?

Interestingly, Alexander Shulgin developed an excellent 'pharmaceutical' in the 1960's that was found to be very effective in helping couples rediscover their intimacy when it was trialled. Unfortunately, the powers that be decided that it should be made a controlled substance and clinical trials stopped.

And it's not Viagra, for those who don't know who Shulgin is/was.

+1

Hmmm, I wonder if there are any meaningful lessons that can be learnt from this? I think it's fair to say that most marriages follow a similar path as relationships either stagnate (bad) or simply mature into something different (normal). I certainly have a few smarties left in the jar but my feelings for my wife are far more profound than they were when we first met, sex just isn't as important as it was - kids and work have taken care of that. I believe intimacy is still important though, however infrequent.

I'd love to know if there's anything different about the background relationship of those who are still at it like rabbits! Number of partners, age they met etc... Or is it just a fortunate biological pairing thing?

OP, I think Cynic-al has it. What you're talking about is a little deeper and sounds like communication needs to improve first.

I didn't say I hadn't had any she just won't do what I want !

- kids and work

Yes come on then those of you still at it like rabbits - what's the secret? Is it just all about picking the right other half?

[img] [/img]

IMO Sex is [u]not important after the retire age [/u](I don't care what science says) unless you still have the stamina of a bull, in which case you should keep going only if your partner is willing. Otherwise, you should slowly wind down to be at peace with yourself. You should start emptying your mind slowly to contemplate on life. Depending on one's health you may have sometime to go yet so will give you enough time to correct the wrongs in life.

However, if you are not at retirement age then you should decide if it is important for you or both of you.

A mind that is not at peace will constantly be a nuisance to life.

I think that if you are in a relationship with someone who is worthy of you then you should try: As a bloke you are always going to fancy your partner less as time goes by but that there is a real skill in making the most of what you have; learn to make yourself feel more intimate with the other person, don't be standoff-ish and male...learn to engage with your own feelings. If you can be really happy just snuggled up to your partner, the rest will happen by itself; women really tune in to that vibe from blokes!

As a bloke you are always going to fancy your partner less as time goes by

Sorry buddy, that's bollocks. We've been together 26 years, married for 20 and I've still got the hots for Mrs. C.

Not married myself, but been with partner for 12 years and have a kid age 3. Since kid sex happens less but the most important thing is being a happy partnership to bring up kid. Sex happens when it happens, I dont worry about it.

Say what?

😯

Best route to a good continuing sex life is no children. Probably. Works for me anyway (15y married).

Say what?

try throwing in a comma or growing up a little.

sex is a key ingredient to the relationship, along with love, respect, friendship.
without one of these 4 ingredients, the recipe is spoiled.

There's been ups and downs in the last 28 years here. Currently we are adjusting to the empty nest and rediscovering that we still rather like each other. Talk is good OP and make sure you are pulling your weight with the domestic and emotional stuff. Good luck.

Don't agree ton, every single relationship is different from the next. There is no formulae.

johndoh, my reply was what my mrs told me to put,
men don't know the answer to such things....ask your wife, her answer will differ from yours.

As a bloke you are always going to fancy your partner less as time goes by

Sorry buddy, that's bollocks. We've been together 26 years, married for 20 and I've still got the hots for Mrs. C.

I think he was probably referring to the spark of attraction which is a fair point and it's certainly not bollocks, you're just fortunate that that part of your relationship has remained intact better than most. Don't gloat too much about it 😉

Blimey you only need to look at the amount of broken marriages, affairs etc. to see what a challenge this is to a large proportion of society. I think it's this perceived goal of a perfect, long lasting, highly sexed relationship that causes a lot of problems. Hollywood and others suggest this is achievable when in reality we're still animals and this modern idea of a monogamous relationship is a hard thing to do for most.

the most important thing is being a happy partnership to bring up kid. Sex happens when it happens, I dont worry about it.

This is spot on IMO. Nicely put.

I have thought about leaving/playing away many, many times but can't bring myself to do it. I couldn't leave the kids (x2).

You are obviously a decent man on that count then.

I think there's two foundations for a happy relationship - love/friendship and/or sex..

Either foundation is a recipe for success and if you have solid foundations in both categories then you have a recipe for greatness..

I don't know if the majority of people do very well on either count..

sex is a key ingredient to the relationship, along with love, respect, friendship.
without one of these 4 ingredients, the recipe is spoiled.

Whilst respecting that all relationships are different, for me and mine, that comment is one of the most sensible things I have ever read here. I would add though that the proportions of those don't need to be equal, but they should all be present.

I heard something once along the lines of "If he really cared about her then he wouldn't expect her to have sex with him". The converse is "If she really cared about him then she would want to have sex with him"
Personally, I think I'd explode, or certain bits of me would if I was in a relationship where there was no physical barrier to being intimate.

Ha ha ha!! Why just as a bloke would you fancy your partner less - jeez think of what we have to look at with widening waistlines, receding hair in places - advancing in others . . .

The whole orchestra of noises that seems to be common with a lot of men as they age . . .

Joking aside I think both sides need to put the effort in to maintain a good working relationship - and not just assuming each other will just fancy or do it for the other forever more regardless

Even shulgins novelty wears off

Opps! ;-D

I am sure I remember a thread on here where some people were very open about their lack of interest in sex. From that as well as other info it seems that for some people sex isn't that important - for others it is key. I think the truly sad thing is where that happens in a relationship. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I couldn't share that intimacy with the person I loved because it wasn't important to them.

Interestingly, Alexander Shulgin developed an excellent 'pharmaceutical' in the 1960's that was found to be very effective in helping couples rediscover their intimacy

Is it that new Chocolate Baileys? Mrs V's on her second bottle and it seems to be working recently.

There ain't nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.

It has been known for some contraceptives to screw up the female sex drive. Have you thought about checking this out?

ton - Member
sex is a key ingredient to the relationship, along with love, respect, friendship.
without one of these 4 ingredients, the recipe is spoiled.

Absolutely. IMO sex and or intimacy is the glue that holds all of the other parts of a relationship together. Without it it's not a relationship. It's friendship or companionship. Sex changes over time, frequency especially. The Wife and I have been together 23 years. It's very different now than it was then. But without any we wouldn't be together.

IME men and women treat sex differently. Women need the relationship to be in a good and solid place to want to share intimacy. Men need it to feel close and connected to their partner, then other parts of the relationship improve. Catch 22, but both have to work at it.

OP. Have your expectations from your wife changed? Are you now expecting something different or has she the one changing or withholding things? It sounds like she is not interested in whatever it is you want, and or she doesn't know how serious it is to you.

Counselling would be my advice. But both of you need to be involved and fully committed to it.

OP, what exactly is it that you want your wife to do?

@AW - absolutely, and the results of the effort to keep ones self attractive to ones partner is probably less important than the fact that the effort is being made.

@ cloudnine ( page 1 ) Powertools????? Had to laugh..

So if I put those shelves up......

If they fit, I think I see your issue.

I have two friends who have been married for a while with young kids and are in sexless relationships.

One had an affair with his wife's friend, left his family, took on her kids and is now unhappy, suffering from guilt about leaving his kids and does not seem to be having much fun between the sheets with his new squeeze.

The other is ex-forces and, when it became obvious that weekends away, doing chores etc. were not going to change started seeing prostitutes to satisfy his urges. He had done this before when younger and on leave so it was not a new thing. He is still married with happy kids and seems to genuinely love his wife.

My own sex life is ok (twice a month on average) but if it were not then, based upon my mates experiences, I think I could seek sexual release from a professional and live with the guilt rather than splitting up my family.

Have namechanged for this sort of stuff before as 😳 but it's not like I actually know most people on here (and I expect some might suggest it explains a lot).

[quote=freddyg ]Not had any "physical relations" with the missus since Little MissG was conceived. She's 7 in May

Heck - and I thought I had it bad with 5.5 years after conceiving our first, in which time we did manage to conceive another on our only attempt. That takes me to two years ago, and we're not exactly going like bunnies since then.

[quote=anagallis_arvensis ]Since kid sex happens less but the most important thing is being a happy partnership to bring up kid. Sex happens when it happens, I dont worry about it.

You don't worry about it because it does happen (more than once or twice a year presumably).

[quote=Cletus said]based upon my mates experiences, I think I could seek sexual release from a professional and live with the guilt rather than splitting up my family.

That depends on what you actually miss about sex. Though the fear of the grass not being greener is probably the reason a lot of us haven't done anything about getting it elsewhere.

DrJ - I am a bit confused about you complaining about your wife not turning you on though, as I'm not sure that's the issue most of us have.

You don't worry about it because it does happen (more than once or twice a yea

True, my post was more in response to those suggesting we should all still be going at it like rabbits. Things change. Obviously if it drops to zero or very rare then issues arise.

human beings have a design flaw.
rule one: we are designed as animals to reproduce for survival of the species - we've been good at this, look at the over populated world 😉
rule two: around this we have the concept of a relationship, to support said offspring until they are old enough to look after themselves.
rule two b: around this we have created a concept called marriage.

the flaw is that we continue to want to reproduce which is all well and good if the agreed partner in the relationship also does.
if not then we might look elsewhere to fulfil our design and this might break rule number 2. rule two seems to be supported by society, the rules of our culture. we feel guilty if we break rule two by fulfiling rule one with somebody else.

dont think that helped. I'll go and get a cup of tea.

It seems that generally the following applies (as I think someone has already pointed out):

For a man, sex with their partner allows them to feel close and connected. For women, closeness and connection must happen to allow them to have sex.

That's a massive catch 22 but it does imply that both sides have to work at it for things to be a success.

It's no good the woman expecting connection, love and romance if she's not prepared to work on the sex side. Similarly, if the sex isn't there it's no wonder even the most self disciplined of men will quickly doubt their relationship and start to look elsewhere.

Therefore I'd say that generally, women who have affairs are looking for love, romance and connection. Men are looking for sex.

Of course there are always exceptions to the rule but I'd guess the above picture is fairly accurate for 90% of the population.

Everyone is different and to some people it has more importance than to others especially if BOTH are in agreement. However

Not had any "physical relations" with the missus since Little MissG was conceived. She's 7 in May

*7yrs without sex. Have you spoken to your partner about this? You obviously aren't both in agreement.

On the opposite scale of the spectrum a friend of mine who is a teacher was shocked to hear a couple at it in the next bed [b]post[/b]-birth (Wythenshawe General if it helps..)

*We only live once so why should you go without? Flip it around, if you didn't want it and your partner did - would you be happy her being without? No.

My wife has taken to claiming she wants to have children.

I'm genuinely not sure she knows where they come from. 🙂

hora - Member

*7yrs without sex. Have you spoken to your partner about this? You obviously aren't both in agreement.

Yes. Many, many times.