[Closed] I'm a carer & struggling

My initial guess is adult social care at the council but no idea of the detail.

Well done for caring about what happens to him.

I have no relevant experience or advise, but I’ll just say Well done for caring, and well done for asking for help. I’m hopeful you’ll get some more useful advice here.

+1 for being there and caring. Again I have no expertise but I'm sure someone who does will be along shortly.

No advice here - I can only take my hat off, say thank you and hope some words turn up that can ease that horrific burden. It shouldn't be you.

As above, fair play for looking after this chap all this time. You need to look after yourself as well though.  I can't help point you in the right direction, but Samaritans might be a good place to start, they should be able to point you in the right direction.

I am really sorry that you have been left in this position, I am sure it's very difficult to cope with. I had a look at a couple of local authority social care websites and they looked pretty useless.

Have you tried contacting one of the Parkinsons charities as they might be able to help you deal with the problem.

https://www.parkinson.org/Living-with-Parkinsons/Resources-and-Support

I read your post to my Partner who is an Advocate in Social Care, she has written the following.....sorry if its been covered by others in the last 10 minutes or so....
Hi

There's a lot of issues here and one of the reasons it may not be straight forward to access support could be because the person you're caring for doesn't want this him/herself? - which always makes things really tricky. My suggestions would be:

Each local authority will have a carers project which should be able to provide you with support / signposting etc (it doesn't matter that you don't live with the person you're caring for)

Each area will also have their own alcohol and mental health services. Mental health support is usually accessed through a GP or through a 'Single Point of Access' which people can self refer into.

There are also lots of national charities and organisations you could try:

Mind is a national mental health organisation and has helplines.
Al Anon has services for family & friends.
Samaritans also has advise on if you're worried about someone
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-worried-about-someone-else/

Finally I would suggest going back to Social Services with your concerns - they do have a duty to assess his care needs, although as you mentioned he may be asked to pay all or some of the costs. However, I would explain how concerned you are.

Finally, it's really great that there are people like you around so please make sure you look after yourself as well.

Is this your job or do you do it as a volunteer? My gf does something similar through AgeUK and massive respect to you (both).

Don’t know what your personal circumstances are but if things are tight and you want a nice night in, I would very very happily fund it. This country is run - unfortunately - on people like you.

Shout if the above is something you’d be interested in.

Edit - I can read your a carer but is this part of your responsibility I mean.

Well done, with a parkinsons diagnosis you should get the care allowance day rate of 55 GBP pw. Phone them up and fill in the forms, ignore most of it and just put the doctors details on and the date of diagnosis.

The allowance is not means tested and backdated to initial phone call.

The money is paid to the sufferer and it's up to him what he does with it, so get a care plan in place, it should pay for 3 visits per week.

Good luck and well done trying

Just looked it up, it's 59.7 GBP pw and called attendance allowance.

Parkinson's society and Alzheimer's society both had people that really know how the system works and how to look for help when needed. Worth speaking to either, even without the disease involved.
And Parkinson's can involve serious meds that don't mix well with alcohol.

Thanks everyone for the kind words and advice you've offered.

Robowns - I do it as a volunteer as it appears that if I didn't do it no one else would. I'm fortunate that I have a family to come home to after each visit but today just got on top of me. Your offer to funding a night off is lovely but not necessary. Thanks you so much for your generosity though. This is why I love STW.

gallowayboy - please pass on my thanks to your partner for those top tips. I'll get on the phone tomorrow to check out some of those agencies.

@gallowayboy and @poolman have already said what I wanted to say.

I'm in a broadly similar position but with my parents, basically took on caring duties when I was made redundant. I've had to strongly lean on a few local charities for advice as to what to do to get things moving in the right direction as if you don't have any experience of the system it can be hard to get hold of the right department or person who makes the decisions. I doff my cap to you taking on all that you have for someone who isn't a friend or family, that's a very tough thing to do but massive credit for stepping up to do so. Make sure you seek help for yourself, social services and your GP can point you in the right direction as a minimum, and never be ashamed to ask anyone (here or in real life) for help on even the most mundane things.

Just realise that you're very much not alone, there is a massive unsung army of carers looking after friends, family and strangers where the government won't. Without you and them there would be an awful lot more issues for everyone to deal with.

Glad to hear that you have great support already salad and that my offer was taken in the spirit it was given; which was with respect and admiration for someone so selfless.

Massive respect for what you’re doing, keep at it and I’m sure there will be better days ahead.

OK - I'll be brutal. You have to decide just how much you are prepared to be involved. Dealing with alcoholics is very difficult. You also need to set boundaries. for example I would refuse to buy him booze. I might be wrong in that but for me thats a line I cannot cross. You lines may be different. do not be guilt tripped into doing more than you want to do - and BTW you are a star for doing this at all

More brutality. If he actually wanted to end his life then he would have done. What you are seeing is a parasuicide although some experts would say its a good indicator of future real suicide attempts. Its a manipulative and controlling behaviour IMO

I’ve had enough but there is no way I will walk away and leave him on his own as I know he’d attempt to kill himself if he’s left to his own devices.

thats him manipulating you and your good intentions again IMO

Can you tell I am not a psyche nurse and wouldn't make a good one? I have little tolerance for this sort of behaviour

alcoholics are very difficult to help as you have found out Al anon is a voluntary service for carers of alcoholics https://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Practical? He is a vulnerable adult. social services has a statutory duty towards vulnerable adults. I know the law in Scotland better than England but its ( IMO) essential social services are involved

Finances - the social services should be dealing with this not you. It puts you in a very vulnerable position

My recommendations?:
have a good think about how much you want to / can be involved. This sort of situation sucks you in ( been there with a disabled pal) when you decide what your boundaries are then tell him that in no uncertain terms and stick to it whatever it is from withdraw completely to spend hours a day there. Have you got someone to talk it thru with? do not let ( a very overstretched) social services put a burden on you

Get on to social services and report him as a vulnerable adult. That means they have to assess him and take responsibility for him. If they do not then make a formal complaint. social services are very overstretched and the unfortunate thing is those who make the most noise get the best care

And just again I will emphasise that you are a star for taking this on and without folk like you the world would be a worse place

something else I forgot - as a carer you are entitled also to a social services assessment and that is a statutory right

https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/getting-care-and-support/carers-assessment

It's a very noble thing your doing.

I kinda agree with TJs sentiments.

Does this person actually want any assistance to break their alcoholic cycle? If not your p'ing in the wind.

What do you want to achieve out of caring for them? Is it actually realistically achievable? Maybe set a time line / set some boundaries around your input & support for them.

Thank you for what you have done for this man SD.There are no easy answers and I admire you greatly for your compassion .

There are some bloody incredible people out there.

Humbling to read op.

Nothing to add other than to say that you sound like a great person @salad_dodger. If you're anywhere near Cheshire then once this current lockdown is done, a pint is on me

Well done for what you have been doing for your neighbour!

I suggest you contact your local Carers Support Centre (or words to that effect) who are local independent charities who will have a wealth of advice and support - this link may help https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/local-support?cck=local_directory_entry&art_title=&area_region=306&area_counties=430&search=local_directory_search&task=search

Get in touch with CarersTogeter they will help you with signposting and help for you as well, they were very good with us. Well done I hope you get the help you deserve. cheers kaya

Personally I think TJ nails it

My personal comment is that you have to think about what is happening here and break the cycle. If you can't break the cycle you need to look at this very hard otherwise it will eat you up. Work the system and the charities and get what help you can for him but you need to make sure you don't get sucked in too far. TJ has laid out how some of the behaviour could be very manipulative. Set boundaries, stick to them, don't relax them. If you need to part ways because he won't respect them then do so.

Whatever happens don't feel guilty, you have already done more than anyone else. Keep your own life going, look after your family.

Thank you BnD

I think you're spot on too TJ (that hurt to write!).

I have a meeting with his GP this afternoon so we'll see how that goes. Thank you once again to everyone who has taken the time to offer advice - it's much appreciated.

Salad, you are a bloody hero, take my hat off to you but agree with a lot of what TJ has said.
You need to look after you too, that's just as important.
Good luck with it all and keep posting on hear for suppoert if you need it.
All the best.