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My wife who is 49 was diagnosed with melanoma cancer just before Christmas. We're waiting for the results of her lymph node biopsy to see if it's spread, so I know how exausting emotions can be. I lost my dad many year's ago as well so all I can say is, it does get easier as time passes.
It's always a shock. Lost brother in law in his mid 40s from an aggressive brain tumour, from healthy to dead in about 4 weeks. Father in law from lung cancer but it was stage 4 by the time it caused him issues and he died very soon after. Last few weeks were horrible. Mother in law has been living on the edge for 10 years, heart attacks, stroke but is still going. Slow deterioration and not much of a life stuck in a chair with little mobility. My wife says she 'Lost' her mum 10 years ago as she hasn't Been that person since. It will still be a shock. She is more likely to die from a chest infection or flu so we keep away when we are ill.
Not a good time for you but think positive it won't be a lingering death.
My biggest concern at the moment is how we explain whats happening to our eldest (nearly 6 years old) who is really close to her grandma
My understanding ( I have no direct experience of this however) is that kids respond best to a simple matter of fact explanation and actually accept it better than adults. don't use the "going to sleep" tho - it could scare the kids from sleeping themselves.
Really feel for you, sitting reading this thread in a Birmingham curry house sniffling away. Lost my dad 2009 and last words we had weren’t good. Only really admitted 2 weeks ago how angry I am and now dealing with it. This just set me off, not the two pints of Cobra !
Best of luck Joe
Lost my father a few years back and am facing similar situation with my very dear mother too.
I would echo the comments re grief affecting people in different ways and at different times. I was/am very close to my parents so losing them was/is tough
I mentioned the Tibetan book on living and dying on another thread. My dad had a very strong faith and did not fear dying at all. This was a great message for us. But I also wanted him to know that he could pass in peace when he was ready - a message from the book. He was pretty much unconscious when I did this but I held his hand in hospital and told him that he was free to go and that he had done an awesome job as a dad and husband and that we would look after mum. I wanted him to be at peace (even though I didn’t want him to go really but that was selfish). Even through he wasn’t there consciously he still squeezed my hand. It was an important moment
I miss him a lot. But I still talk to him every day. I know the day when the grief changed. There was a specific moment of peace - great peace when I let him go too. It was many months after he died. So the pain has gone or at least is very different and manageable. You do cope in the end.
I have no idea if it will be the same with my mum. I dread it very much. But she too is close to a point where she needs to be at peace and with my dad. I need to tell her that too.
No idea if this helps. Just some thoughts while my train journey finishes. But if there is a message it’s
1. You will go through the grieving process in you own way and at your own pace. It’s unique but others can help you at the same time
2. Don’t be afraid to let her go - this might not be an appropriate comment, so excuse me if it comes across wrongly
Either very best wishes to you both
(P.s miss the debates )
First, OP, you have my sympathies.
I lost my mum a year past July to lymphoma. She went through 1course of chemo (1/2CHOP?), given all clear (well, depending on which doc you talked to) which came back about a year later. 2nd chemo hit her for six and it was palliative steroids only and wait for the inevitable.
She was amazing, never complained about how she felt, always said that every day was a bonus and she’d had a decent life. The end was quick, deterioration really accelerated the last week. I was lucky to be off work and able to nip in past pretty much every day for some extent over her last 10 days. She was very out of sorts the last day. She answered questions as if she didn’t understand them, non-commital, vague. Except at one point she looked right at me and asked, ‘this is Friday, isn’t it?’. It was. I went home in a state of some distress, I hated to see her so not herself. And feared she was losing her sense of herself.
She collapsed during the night or early morning. She didn’t make it to the hospital (my dad, bless him, stopped them de fibbing as she had a DNR).
I was relieved for her (her pain and suffering had stopped, she had been spared being lashed up to machines to keep her going, she’d have hated that) and, obviously distressed myself. My dad was poorly (he died 12days later) so I was the responsible adult and took over all the arrangements. I found solace in being the one to shoulder the burden and it helped me cope. My real distress was only alleviated when I caught up with the Loon, comfort in closeness.
So, do what you can, be as forgiving of what comes and giving of yourself as you can (I reproached myself for not having done enough,but in reality I could never have managed to do ‘enough’). Be there for her. Give of your heart.
There is definitely a void still. And I miss her. It has lessened though, over the while.
As long as by your actions your mum knows you love her, there isn’t really anything more.
Best wishes.
I ride my bike and think of her a lot. Then I sometimes think "I haven't phone mother for ages" and then I think "Oh, she's dead!".
My (almost twin) sister died of melanoma two years ago this week, and six months later so did my mother from the same. This after a few years of regular treks with them both to oncologists. My father died at 29, so, myself, mother and two sisters grew up very close. Tell your mother what you think of her, enjoy your time together.
It's not possible to prepare. My stepfather was married for 13 days. I spend a lot of time riding my bike. I don't find talking about it helps. but I love to talk about them both to my nephews and nieces.
"One day we are going to die, it will be like any other day. Except shorter" Samuel Beckett.
It's part of living, but a few more years would have been nice, quite a few for my sister.
How are you getting on?
Been thinking about you today....
Aye THM; we've gone a bit off topic.
Seosmah - stay strong, we're thinking of you.
Aye I'm doing fine, thanks for asking, bit more level headed this last day or so, emotions are still a bit of a roller coaster and can change fairly quickly. But tbh this thread has helped more than you lot know, just reading through the experiences, opinions and thoughts(Which I've done multiple times) here have been amazing for me. It's been a bit of a catalyst for me opening up about it a wee bit more to people. Which does help. Although in saying that, I'm well aware i'm not there yet, it's still to actually happen, so we'll take that as it comes in the weeks, months and years ahead.
But last couple of days, in general have been ok, my mum is on morphine as and when she wants it now, so she's very sleepy, which while heart breaking, I kinda take some hope from that that she might actually just drift off in her sleep when the time comes, and I really hope that how she is at the moment means she won't be in agony and her death will be a peaceful one, I dunno, fingers crossed.
She's still got it up there though and is, despite her troubles, still the same person, so even through sleepiness, I am/we are still able to have wee moments with her. Luckily my work is being very accommodating there, giving me time and allowing me the mornings to go and see her and start later, means I can get up to the hospital twice per day.
Just a case of taking things day by day and being about for her and the family really.
I wasn't really intending on replying much to this thread, but as I say, it's helped a lot to open up(something I don't naturally do), thanks again, everyone.
It's a weird but for most people unavoidable situation, when my mum actually went it was kinda expected, I just felt a bit numb and vague about life in general. I was questioning myself why I wasn't massively upset at the time.
I actually was massively upset and I still am, but the upset will manifest in different ways, for different people.
Don't be afraid to lean on your friends a bit.
Horrible place to be Seosamh, been there myself. My Mum was diagnosed with that shit & died a year later (2001). The night she died we all had fish & chips! I think we all felt so relieved that she was ok & was away from all the pain & discomfort.
I still can't forgive her though, for not writing down all her fantastic secret recipes!
All the 'top' chefs on telly have nowt on my Mums cooking!
Takes a while to get around to it but you'll end up remembering her with a big smile on your face, rather than tears.
(says me, bubbling over a laptop) 🙄
@seosamh, you will manage this in your own way when the time comes.
There is no right or wrong way.
A suggestion.....gather together some family photos and go through them with your mum - assuming that both you and she are ok with family 'stuff'.
Get someone to take photos of you both together - every few days.
Make sure you find some time for quiet contemplation; could be anywhere at any time.
I always go into a church when I need that special time - not because I'm particularly religious but it works for me.
It took me years to cry properly.
Don't supress or repress your emotions - let go of them; shout, rant, cry and don't be embarrassed in doing it.
Honestly, just over 12 months on from my mothers death I'm still not dealing with it. Knew it was inevitable 2 years before the day due to a disease diagnosis. In my former job i saw death every day and thought i could deal with it but ive found I'm much more emotional since. It's affected me greatly & i think about her every day and it brings me to tears when i reminisce about her with my dad. Yes the pain has lessened but I'm still grieving.
The worst thing was having to act like an adult and sort out her affairs and arrange funeral when i still think of her as a grown up and I'm her little boy! I hate having to be sensible and a grown up.
Good luck OP death of a loved one is the only certainty in life sadly
It's heartbreaking reading this thread but also heartwarming to see the sharing of sympathy and concern for others.
In my case (father) I needed to give something, eg. volunteer. The best way for me was to start leading health walks in the hope that one person may end up having a healthier lifestyle and not die so young. In the end I ended up as a council walk leader.
Every time I took the walkers out it was to help them, help me and remembering my father, who was a massive countryside, bird and wildlife lover.
As others have said time does heal but the memories will remain.
The sad comment is it is unlikely to be easy. Wasnt for me. Especially since it happened pretty quickly since unfortunately my mum was the stoic type who wouldnt complain about those aches and pains and with a deep suspicion about doctors so by the time she admitted it.
As others have said though the hurt lessens over time that doesnt help in the short term. In my case it was alleviated somewhat by having to give lots of support to my dad who was completely lost.
Last year my sister in law died aged only 40 (****ing cancer) with two young kids. I hate to think what they are still going through.
It's hard. Really chuffing hard but you figure it out.
I was 13 when my mum lost her battle with cervical cancer. It was so hard watching a very fit, active strong lady fade away. A few years previous to her diagnosis she'd left my drunken, abusive father and found someone else. We lived on a small holding in the Dalby forest. My mum went from a lady used to looking after animals, cutting logs for the fire to being virtually bed bound. On the day she passed, she was at home with family; me my younger sister, her mum and dad one of my uncles, her youngest brother and his soon to be wife. It was very peaceful and calm.
At the time I was angry for her not fighting any more, but looking back now it was no life. She was on a machine that administered morphine and set intervals, needed a commode in her room etc. She must have known that it was coming because she'd written letters to me and my sister. After she'd passed a member of our extended family drove up to Yorkshire to pick me and my sister up. We cried all the way to Beaconsfield where we'd now be living with my mums parents.
The first Christmas was really tough, as was the first anniversary but they gradually got easier. The big anniversaries hit me the hardest; 10 years then 20 years. I've spent most of my life without my mum. The memories do fade a bit; I struggle to remember what she sounded like but I still talk to her / ask he fir help. I have lots of fond memories like her cooking, the last Christmas with her when family came to stay and it snowed it's balls off and the we're stuck for four days or arguing with my sister about who got so snuggle up in the sofa with her. The birth of our little dude was super hard; I cried all the way back because my mum wouldn't meet Toby. He knows about her though and talks snout nanny Sue who is a star in the sky.
You'll find a way to get through it, treasure the good memories and try and make as many new ones whilst you can.
Glad that you are ok and that the thread is helping
One practical note which may be countered by medical
folk on here but simply meant to help and can be ignored
Take advice on “final moments”. With my dad there was a point when we though he was dying at home. My mum and brother were together and he seemed at peace but drifting. I some ways this seemed perfect but then I became concerned about why if his passing involves a seizure, heart failure or ifficulty breathing etc. WTF do I do? I sent my mum and bro to bed and was resorting to google
In the end he lived a few more weeks but had to go to hospital - something I still have mixed feelings about. Why am I mentioning this? This evening I am going to friends who lost their son two weeks ago to a brain tumour. They were adamant that they wanted him home. This was great BUT his final hours were characterised by what I understand is quiet normal breathing difficulties. They found this vert very stressful and called in other doc friends at 01:30 for help. They docs explained that their son would not be aware of what was happening and that it was normal. But it didn’t really help them that much. So it might be worth talking to others re what happens. Being prepared for all things helps.
Again sorry if this practical stuff in inappropriate but comes form my and my friends experience and is meant to help you prepare. Ignore if it’s misjudged
Very best wishes and thoughts
THM
Yes, we're there. Things are developing rapidly.
Losing parents is, without doubt, one of the toughest things we have to go through. Everyone grieves in different ways - there are no right or wrong ways, no time limits and don't be too hard on yourself.
I lost both my parents quite close together, Dad first. When Mum died, I lost part of my childhood also. By that I mean I no longer had anyone to ask about parts of my childhood I can't remember.
It's a very unsettling, upsetting experience but after a while you begin to accept what has happened.
There is bugger all you can about the past - the important thing is what you do in the future.
Live your life in a way to make your parents proud - if they're alive or not.
There is no right on wrong way to feel. Its also impossible to predict how you will react. Looking after dying and bereaved folk is a large part of my professional life and you would think I could cope well. However after 3 deaths on my girlfriends side of the family in a year (not people I was close to) I ended up breaking down at work one day and having to take a few days off
The moral being grief can incapacitate anyone and is unpredictable
We lost our Mom on Boxing Day shortly after her diagnosis in September, even though I knew it was coming I still can’t believe she’s gone.
I’ve found keeping busy helps, Dad is struggling so a lot on focus has been on looking after him and helping out as much as possible. Work, training and riding all provide a distraction for a while but inevitably there’s not many spare moments where I don’t think about her. It’s the little things like seeing her name in my phone or thinking I’ll just pop down later to say hello.
I try to focus on the nice memories, I could get bitter over losing someone who was much loved by a lot of people (evident at her funeral) and who still lived a full life at 72 but there’s little closure there for me. She wouldn’t have wanted that anyway.
Feeling for you all, Joe.
x
I haven't read through the posts so I may be repeating what others have said. Do you have siblings? My Mum was 66 when she died and without my sister I would have struggled a lot more with the loss. My Dad had died 6 yeas before so it really felt like the end of an era.
If you have no siblings then you need to use whatever support network you do have, partner, friends or even STW. You've got to look after yourself or you'll not be as effective easing the end of your Mother's life.
My sympathies, it's a thoroughly crappy time and you will continue to need your support network for quite a while after she has died. People will generally assume that you will have "got over it" in a few months but the chances are you won't have so if you need a sympathetic ear or shoulder to cry on the tell people, it's quite the opposite of weak to ask for help when you need it.
After Mum died I found that talking about her with those that knew her well was a great comfort. I don't believe in life after death, rather that people live on in the memories of those who loved them. For a long time after Mum died I thought about her every day, and I still sometimes think "Mum would have loved that" when something happens that was her sort of thing but now it raises a smile rather than making me feel miserable.
Best wishes with coping and remember whatever works for you is right. It has been quite cathartic and emotional writing this and I feel a bit teary now, and Mum died 13 years ago. It'll change your life forever, time won't necessarily make it better but it'll make it less raw.
Just to let you all know, my beautiful wee mammy passed away last night, she was surrounded by her 3 sons and husband as she left us.
Bless ye ma, you will always live in me and others.
Thoughts are with you.
Very sorry to hear that. My deepest condolences
May she be at peace.
Best wishes
THM
So sorry for your loss. 🙁
Sorry to hear that, but glad that you were there with her. I'm sure she took comfort from her family being there
🙁
Very sorry to hear of your loss.
I lost my Mom July last year (on my birthday as well) - it's been a tough few months, good days and bad days.
Talk to people though - I didn't and this has impacted on my relationship with other family members, I'm only now starting to deal with it properly.
Once again sorry for your loss.
Chris
Very sorry for your loss.
seosamh77
sorry to hear that.
A peaceful death surrounded by our loved ones is the best we can all hope for in the end. If you achieved that for her then you did your very best.
If you need to vent or talk PM me.
Take care seosamh77/Jo.
Thoughts are with you so catch a STW hug.
My wife went through experience too. Mother on morphine from cancer but at least she’s not suffering.
It was tough. Nights of random crying, laughing and forgetting that she’s gone when about to call her.
5 years later and she is still missed but we remember the good times.
My parents are getting really old/sick and it scares me thinking of that day; as we are so close. It’s. It going to be easy for anyone you’re close to.
Just make sure you ride and have someone to talk to even if Samaritans or STW.
Don’t be hard on yourself seosamh77
Condolences Op x.
I found that straight after my mum's death I couldn't cry and then about two weeks later I had a big cry for about an hour! Was also the same when my Dad passed. Take care.
I trust that you won’t take offence OP but that sounds like a ‘good death’, surrounded by your family and love. I find it difficult to see what else you could have done.
Now the grieving begins. My condolences and take care.
So sorry to hear this news.
My heart goes out to all of you who have lost a parent recently especially you seosam77.
bunnyhop x
Sorry to hear that news seosam77. My mother had a pain-free death in her own bed with morphine relief. I still can't eat Crème Caramel (it was all she could eat in the end, and something she used to hoard from us kids!)
You'll remember some odd things. I took my nephews out for a bike ride on the afternoon of her death, before visiting her, for example. Talk about the good times, and carry her in your heart.
Sincere condolences from my family to yours.
May she rest in peace.
And remember there is no 'right way' to grieve. Just take care of yourself and your loved ones.
Dont think I have grieved yet, My mum passed away what will be 6 years this year, 3 years before that she had been ill with COPD, and bed bound towards the end as suffering from severe anxiety - to the point I couldnt tell her I was out biking as she would ring and ring and all day to make sure I was ok and then on my way home.. those were tough long time, I couldn't tell her I had quit work to set up on my own as a result.
She was rushed into hospital on a Friday and was in RESUS til they settled her down, The Sunday evening she was swearing and shouting at me as I had put her in there but the staff said she was coming home on Monday I said that wasn't my mum as she never swore in her life .. I just got up and left as I had no idea how Dad I were going to cope, The phone rang on the Sunday morning about 5am saying to go in as she had had a stroke.. Got there and she was just murmuring things not making sense, The staff were taking her for a Scan so I just said i'll be back with dad... Got dad and we sat by here bed and she slowly drifted away with us both holding her hands.. I just remember watching her heart beat slowly come down.. it got to about 10 and I said to dad, best say goodbye now.. He didn't know what I meant.. but said, say goodbye now while you still can.. And that was so peaceful and quiet.
Then two days later dad was rushed in with Pneumonia, he was in for over a month and at first thought it was going to be a joint funeral, but he got better and I collected him from the hospital to take him to the funeral.
Dad pretty much replaced mum after that, he had her bed downstairs, walking equipment, carers too he'd given up and wanted to be with my mum.. with many hospital visits and dr's being called as they thought each time his end was near... His anxiety was getting worse and many times he would ring me in the early hours of the morning asking for things or wanting me to go round, again he was also suffering from COPD like my mum had. if he started to cough he would panic and then choke and panic more which would then kick off his angina.. It was horrible to watch and try and calm him down whilst the ambulance service turned up.
Each time he dipped he always picked up he always did and I always thought he would, but last August at 90 years old. He started his Paliative care on the Monday after a weekend of Ambulance call outs (he would ring them before I got to him to stop the call out). His anxiety was at its worst, I stopped with him, if I wasn't by his side he would shout out for me, this was relentless and I had to call the District nurses out to calm him down. Tuesday he rallied a little and wanted a cup of tea even though he couldn't drink it, think he managed two sips.. (He had already been off food for the last 3 or 4 weeks and was a basic skeleton). At this point he was also messing himself as he no idea what was going on.. I had not imagined in all off my life I would be cleaning my dad and changing his bed clothes but you just do it.
The wednesday morning he was just murmuring just like mum was really, not even a whisper out of him. The DN called and said it would not be long now.. within about half an hour he was gone... I lifted the sheet and let Goldie (his dog) lick his arm and we both said goodbye to him.
His funeral was the best I could do for him, he would have been impressed with me I even felt the approval from him. He had thought in the second world war and the Royal British Legion was brilliant, had his cap and medals on the coffin, Union Jack draped over it and a Standard Bearer at the end.. it was brilliant.
Now how do I feel? Never really grieved for either my mum or dad as the last few years were so tough I sometimes have trouble thinking passed that as it is still too fresh in my memory and good times are hard to think off. I do sometimes go to ring mum up and ask her something then realise I can't. Or I will be doing something or at a place and suddenly tears start rolling down for no reason.. That can be a bit odd if I'm in a supermarket and something so silly like a certain muller rice pudding with kick something off.
But I do feel like i've been thrown into the deep end of a swimming pool. I have neither my mum or dad to talk to now.. thats the tough bit I think..
Not sure if anything makes sense as everyone goes through it differently, but just one thing it could be the last time you see either your mum or dad and try not to leave on a argument.. I couldn't wait to get away from mum as there was no way she was coming home like how she was the night, and as it did she didn't..
I could go on, but between years 6 and 9, there was nursing homes for mum as dad was treated for cancer, then a house fire with more nursing homes for mum. then dad having bore holes for a blood clot in the head, then having pacemaker (not in that order) so I do have trouble seeing passed the last few years as it has been pretty head on. Plus giving up work to set up on my own.
Not sure if it has helped you and anyone, but feel better typing it down.. and everyone is different and whatever you do is right.
oh, sort all the paperwork and funeral arrangements out now while you can.. its hard to talk about but ask.
Also my main thing i wished I has asked was old photographs who are they in them? I have tonnes with no one to tell me now..
Oh, sorry, didn't realise it was that long...
That's cool mate, gone a bit dusty at work here this afternoon now.
One thing I remember from my father passing is after he had passed in his own bed we were all downstairs waiting for the funeral directors to arrive and I went upstairs to the loo and the cat was curled up on his chest fast asleep, it was like he was saying goodbye too.
Seosamh77.
Sorry to hear your news. Look after yourself.
Just to let you all know, my beautiful wee mammy passed away last night, she was surrounded by her 3 sons and husband as she left us.Bless ye ma, you will always live in me and others.
Then you all did a wonderful service to her. Your last sentence sums up my position - to be able to think back and feel additional strength and support within yourself, even thought the person is gone.
My love and condolences to you.
Lost my wonderful dad, born in 1916, about 20 years ago and 10 years later looked after my mum with terminal cancer for 18 months whilst she taught me how to be a better person.
Recently, my wife has gone through a similar thing.
It's awful, and it will get worse before it gets better.
But, amazingly, it does.
I was lucky to have a pretty big group of genuine friends and a small but supportive and loving family.
Talk about the things that are bothering you and please, please try and force yourself to consider the possibility of councelling when you feel up to it.
No matter how big a support group you have, I found talking to a stranger with a bit of expertise helped enormously and has again recently.
As has this place.
Guilt is your enemy.
I love my parents and think about them every day.
I sometimes dream that they're still here.
Always have, since they died.
At first, it upset me because I'd only realise they were gone as I woke up.
Now it makes me happy.
Love to all.