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Dustman "Where's yer bin?"
Blokle "I've been abroad on business"
Dustman "No, where's yer wheelie bin?"
Bloke "OK, I've really been in prison"
Work apprentice lad goes for a summer job in a farriers:
"have you ever shoed a horse before?"
"no, but i once told a donkey to f* off!"
Two fish in a tank...
One says to the other 'do you know how to drive this?'
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
Because he was outstanding in his field
Two sausages in a frying pan. One says "Christ it's hot in here". Other one says "**** me a talking sausage!"
Two birds sitting on a perch - one says "Can you smell fish?"
My wife went to Indonesia.
Jakarta?
No she went on a plane.
The internet (and my memory) suggests it was Tommy Cooper.
They are both wrong.
Most if not all of the jokes on that page are Tim Vine gags.
Aussie Beer Helpline:
"What's up caller"
"The missus has been stung in the minge by a hornet and it's all closed up."
"Bummer dude"
"Good idea. Thanks"
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned in to a field?
I met a soldier who survived a mustard gas and a pepper spray attack in the war.
He was a seasoned veteran
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and legs, swimming in a swimming pool?
Clever Dick
Dwarves are generally a happy bunch as statistically speaking 6 out of 7 aren't grumpy.
Heard about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field.
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Heard about the magic tractor?
Yes, about eight minutes earlier. (-:
What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
Edward Woodward.
Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'D's in his name?
Cos if he didn't, he'd be Ewar Woowar.
What's brown and sticky?
..A stick.
He steadied himself at the desk and struggled to focus on the check in assistant: "one ticket to new york please"
"sir, you a far too drunk to fly!!"
he reached into his superman costume to get his wallet out to pay:
"i know, that's why i'm taking the plane"
Had a dreadful flight with BA recently.
He was shouting all the time asking what crazy fool had put him on the plane.
^^ marvellous!
We had a survey done on our house, turns out 8/10 people liked it.
Someone left me a note complementing me on my driving the other day - it said "parking fine".
"I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, 'I love you'. She said 'is that you or the beer talking?' I replied 'it's me talking to the beer!'
The wife walked in on me masturbating to a picture of an optical illusion. I said "Darling, it's not what it looks like".
A skeleton goes into a bar - orders a beer and a mop.
Man in a restaurant asks what the special is.
Oasis soup, the waiter replies.
What's that? Says the man.
You get a roll with it....
Chicken and a frog in a library.
"Book, Book, Book"
"Reddit, Reddit"
Why did the [i]chicken[/i] cross the road?
I don't know. Why did he?
To get his old age pension!
I don't get it.
No? Neither did the [i]chicken[/i], he was too young.
What's brown and sticky?
Gluey Armstrong
What do you call a monkey with a hand grenade?
A BABOOM!!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The pervert needed to get to the other side.
Thought I'd improve my snail's chances in a race, so I took its shell off - to be honest, it just made it more sluggish
IGMC
1 in 4 people live in denial,not me.
Paddy called the RSPCA today and said "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and 4 cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied "are they moving?"
"I'm not sure,to be honest," Paddy said, " but that would explain the suitcase!"
My therapist says I have a predilection for revenge........
Well, we'll see about that.
How do you annoy Heather Mills? Nick Clegg
For Christmas, Paul McCartney bought Heather Mills a plane.
And a Ladyshave for the other leg.
Guy walks into a baker's shop with an "All Cakes £1" sign in the window.
Points to a cake in the counter, says, "I'll have one of those".
Girl behind the counter says, "£2 please."
Guy says, "But the the sign in the window says 'All cakes £1'!"
Girl says, "Yeah, but that's Madeira Cake."
Paddy sends his wife a text;
"Mary,I am having one more pint with the lads,if I am not home in 20 minutes,read this text again."
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Chickens hadn't evolved yet
What did the ghost say when he found a beehive?
BooBees!
What's brown and sticky?..A stick.
My Beyoncé poster!
Coat, thanks, I'll see myself out.
What's brown, hairy and floats?
A hot air baboon
What comes out of cows backwards, and steams in the winter ?
The Isle of Wight ferry
(I do like that Beyoncé one)
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but getting them in there isn't easy
I know a song about fajitas, well, it's more of a wrap really.
My friend David lost his ID.
Now we call him Dav.
[quote
]What's brown and sticky?
..A stick.
My Beyoncé poster!
Coat, thanks, I'll see myself out.
What's brown and sticky?
Muhammad Ali and a can of coke....
Why did the chicken run onto the footbal pitch?
Because the ref blew for a fowl.
So.... a baby seal walked into a club...
2 guys walk into a bar...the third guy ducks...
Haff you hurt mein Geshtapo joke?
No
LIAR!
What goes ring, ring, ring, ring, OW!
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
(I'm so, so sorry!)
I was enjoying myself listening to opera in my camper van, it was a Nissan Dormer