Can I stir fry something in your think wok?
This has made my day - genius!!
Upcoming. BBC News has started using that FFS.
"Let have some blue sky thinking ... "
^^^ A bureaucratic micromanager just said to me/us ... I mean what blue sky it's always raining ... why not speak Mandarin to me at least I can understand that. 🙄
Next time I shall use my own bingo bullock - "One mountain is higher than another mountain" or " ... man sees deer as horse ..." ... that will learn them.
@ Lunge
-1 Point for repetition of "boil the ocean"
I'm with perchy utilise some stwisms preferable mixed.
Let's fire up the woodfired pizza oven and hoof it in the slats. Moving in having checked my jambafacts and with our Jeremy's in tandem we can choose the single-track of bomber ownerage or to sudo cream the magneto dog.
Oh my.
I work for a US global corporation and so don't even know where to start.
I'm going to start writing them down and will come back later properly armed. The crazy thing is that I've absorbed some of this and have become at least partially one of them. I at least have line of sight to a solution to this issue 😉
I used to have a CEO who'd vomit out corporate megaw**k on cue complete with unreadable charts, endless pointing at KPIs and a long talk about how we need to break out of silos.
Lovely guy, but I suspect only partially human.
I'm now thinking of either Gus from Drop the Dead Donkey or the Golgafrinchan Ark Fleet Ship B, both of which date me badly. Luckily I miss out on all this poop IRL.
perchypanther
Just start making up your own.
Let's find out what fueled the unicorn - and bottle it with a hint of lime.
We need to unzip that thinking, then button it up tight.
Let's find out what's throbbing on customers, then we can watch the growth.
13 years with American large corporation. I use most of the bad ones myself as I lost my soul long ago.
Newest one I've only heard twice is something like "not in my wheel span" as in not on our agenda type or not our problem. Could be an old saying too, I guess.
Let's crimp this off and wait for the splash
lol. these are great. I don't mind dog-fooding but I did splurt out my tea when someone recently unintentionally repurposed it as "eating our own s**t".
"[i]looping in the dev team to dive deep on this one[/i]"
"This one" being their utter inability to stop *ing things up that don't need to be **ed up by witless outsourcers who have hired a bunch of children straight out of university.
Distributing Clue to Users needs to be re-written for outsourcers.
When it is re-written I hope they still enclose a baseball bat with nails in it, mine is getting rather worn.
Let's get out the wet wipes and give it the final polish.
Greatape, knowing which service you work in I have some classics ,
but I could get in trouble 😀
One is - " The NDM -like a crap chippy, you don't want to be left with a manky piece of fish!"
Drill down
Square all our circles
Touch base
Let's cover this casserole with pastry and call it a pie
"The art of the possible" happens round here a bit.
"Who's holding the ring on this"
We are also doing digital transformation. A few of us got an iPhone! Locked down so much that you can't transfer photos onto a laptop via a cable. Have to email them to yourself!
I shit ye not.
We have product 'landing zones'
😆 reminds me of a customer who told me that his order was 'in flight' I responded with 'let me know when it lands' I felt both proud and dirty, like if had a heavy night of H&B
Let's cover this casserole with pastry and call it a pie
GTFO. This was a place of humour, not outright blasphemy. Too far PP. *shakes head with disappointment*
I work in a business that rarely gets new bullshit-bingo, we are still using old classics. But the latest "game" is to see how many wrong phrases you can drop in to a meeting. Get your ducks and flagpoles into the unicorns ringfence.
But the most refreshing quote came from our European Managing Director a couple of years ago during a site level team brief. He shows up to present board level news and strategy. He started with "I suppose you bunch of **** (see you next Tuesday's) want a ****ing pay rise?"
Accurate and straight to the point.
perchypanther - Member
Let's crimp this off and wait for the splash
Oh bravo sir, Bravo.
At my place senior management get a biscuit if they use the word "agile" in any context, I mean wtf is agile desk space?
"Going forward" makes my skin crawl. Not even really related to managers, most people seem to say it.
I prefer "in the future"
I totally agree. But like living in a foreign country and inadvertently absorbing the accent, it's so ubiquitous where I work that I've started saying it. Then I visibly wince and hate myself.
I was startled to hear the straight-faced reply "Oh we eat our own dogfood".Apparently, in some circles, it's well known.
That gets used a lot at work too. Essentially means to use the products we sell internally. (Historically we've been really bad at it.)
Distributing Clue to Users needs to be re-written for outsourcers.
Euphemisms for cluestick application probably merits its own thread. In the networking world there's a "7-layer model" where layer 1 is the physical hardware (a cable not plugged in is a "layer 1 issue"), going up through layers of abstraction like IP addresses until you hit layer 7 which is "application," eg email. User error is colloquially a layer 8 issue. (By extension, layers 9 and 10 are sometimes management and legal.)
GTFO. This was a place of humour, not outright blasphemy. Too far PP. *shakes head with disappointment*Let's cover this casserole with pastry and call it a pie
See, I think there's merit in this, if you're describing a dirty hack to pass off as something else. Like, you've run out of Smirnoff so you decide to pour Tesco Value vodka into empty Smirmoff bottles, tell everyone it's Smirnoff and hope no-one notices.
I mean wtf is agile desk space?
Hot desks perhaps?
I'm actually in a room with a Microsoft rep right now, he's currently 'envisioning the journey'
Ah, but were you in the Envisioning suite in our offices?
I really dislike the Envisioning suite, mainly because I'm not very good at saying "envisioning".
See, I think there's merit in this, if you're describing a dirty hack to pass off as something else.
Dude, that's my cultural heritage you're pissing all over there.
I'd expect it from Binners but I thought you were better than that 😉
We're using "Agile" at work. I've never encountered so many mixed metaphors: Swimlanes, sprints, scrums, burndowns and most worrying... "grooming the back log". wtf.
"Don't piss on me and tell me it's raining!" was a favourite in my last job, though no one had the balls to say it to one of the Managing Partners.
One that's stuck with me, on asking a colleague if he liked his new role within a large multinational, his response was "same shit different toilet"
Where I work they still say "thinking out of the box". Fantastic. Also...
Granularity
Resource envelope
Business critical
Get your arms around it (referring to a problem or task)
Horizon scanning
Activity language (strange term for a sort of time code)
Contribution statement (job description)
Grandparent manager (your bosses boss of course)
There are probably loads more. They are very annoying - but even those who hate such terms end up using them from time to time.
Granularity - ahhhhh!!! they use that at work when talking about computer systems - theres nothing granular about it its digital 0 or 1 FFS!!!!! ( however i am a mechanical so perhaps I am missing something)
In my office, overcoming seemingly impossible resistance is sometimes referred to with variants of "****ing it to death with a mechanical cock" I didn't put coining it in my appraisal, though. Originally it was a bronze cock but that didn't catch on.
grooming the back log
Wut?
I going to leverage
Let's fire up the woodfired pizza oven and hoof it in the slats. Moving in having checked my jambafacts and with our Jeremy's in tandem we can choose the single-track of bomber ownerage or to sudo cream the magneto dog.
Our divisional liaison from the University business transformation team came to talk to me about "timelines and delivery". I'm not sure why we as lecturers and researchers need to know the minutiae of the new finance system but never mind.......
Anyway she told me that they were "enabling endusers to maximise system efficiencies by front loading financial data". Basically, instead of our divisional secretary sorting expenses, travel, accommodation, etc. out in an orderly and consistent manner for the 100 or so people in out division, we all now have to sort and upload it ourselves so that the secretary can then approve it (as we, despite being responsible for managing our own budgets are only "level 3 approvers not level 2 as required".....).
Wanting to show how I felt about this complete shitshow of an process in language she would understand I suggested that she "crimp that one off and park it on the mantlepiece for everyone to admire". She smiled and actually said thank you as she had been meeting with resistance from other divisions. Once I explained what I really meant she had stopped smiling. Sigh.
I have to agree with a couple of others above, 'moving forward' is also one of my pet hates.
We had a classic last week though:
'We are now moving forward in a different direction'. What the _*££ are these people talking about.
I also hate overuse of 'essentially' and 'fundamentally' (which some people at my work seem to use as a starter for every sentence - oh - along with moving forward).
Arghhhhhhh
Oh yes.....
Dashboard. That's some kind of way or thingy to see how you are getting on with your work. They love having a dashboard for their KPIs
My old organisation's bosses had a 'bird table' meeting. That was annoying.
My old boss used to say top banana too. And he wasn't joking.
Anyway. None of it is rocket science is it?
We're using "Agile" at work
We're Lean and Agile. Though it's hard to be agile when your trimmed to the bone.
Just a little one, but I really hate cohort.
Mandraulic.
Anyway. None of it is rocket science is it?
Rocket Surgery innit.
I hate this stuff. It infects healthcare as well. I have been known to reply to memos or interrupt in meetings with " I have no idea what this means, can you please repeat in english"
Ha, rocket science. My team could build a rocket, no bother. But the physics of academic herding is a lot harder to understand and not even the world's most advanced mathematicians claim to be able to predict UK visa policy changes.
Off at a slight tangent but TJ's comment ^^^ triggered a memory from nnnn years ago.
Working for a company delivering services to the MoD; first major meeting I attended with the client - end of meeting my boss asks what I made of it - responded '...for most of the meeting I didn't know what anyone was talking about because of the near total reliance on acronyms' - Oh....
Not long afterwards we were given the acronym buster - a bound document which must have covered 50 pages of A4 double sided with the caveat that '....it's not complete......'
Using acronyms unnecessarily presents the mundane as important and is used as a barrier - ffs 😆
Wonderful work, thank you all very much.
Monkeysfeet, the forum now has a PM function if you need it 🙂
