[Closed] Guys - you have never let me down before...jokes needed

I'd like to thank you all for the support, I'll always wear it......

Whats brown and sticky

my beyonce poster

2 rules to success in life. 1. Don't tell people everything you know.

How come you never see elephants playing hide and seek in vagas?
Because they are very good at it.

My wife has been missing a week now and the police have told me to prepare for the worst. I have phoned the charity shop and asked for her clothes back

Public speaking is all about the ABC and the XYZ. Always be confident and examine your zip.

I don't know if you just heard this on the radio - but it seems Christmas chart topper Cliff Richards has developed athletes foot.

He went to the doctors, who suggested he try a new remedy. Instead of the normal cream...they advised him to soak the affected area in Chardonnay.

..

..
..

'so I put me soiled toe in wine?'

I went to the races yesterday and a feller came up to me and whispered "do you want the winner of the next race?"
I said "no thanks, I've only got a small garden"

Whats brown and sticky

my beyonce poster

Excellent 🙂

One for later in the night -

Bloke goes to Vegas and ends up in bed with a showgirl. I have a strange request to make, he says - I've always wanted to make love to a woman with my foot. OK she says, I'll try anything once and they get down to some foot-love sexy time.
Guy gets back to his hotel and wakes up the next morning with a huge weeping sore on his big toe. Jesus Christ he thinks, I need to show that to a doctor. Sees the doc and the doc is confounded. Consults medical text books for over an hour until he says he thinks he has a diagnosis - venereal disease of the foot!
VD of the foot! the guy exclaims - that must be the most unusual thing you've ever seen in all your years as a doctor. Not quite, says the Doc. Had a woman in earlier with athletes c_nt.

whats the difference between jam and marmalade.........

only joke worth knowing, with the get out clause i wont tell it till ive had at least four pints.

Thanks all, there's at least 1 joke there I am definately using.

soob - knowing the punchline to that one kind of rules it out for this particular evening 😉

There's the old one about the woman packing her bags when her husband gets home.
"Where are you going?", he asks.
"I'm off to Vegas" she replies, "I've heard men will pay me $500 a time to do what I do for you for free!"
To this the man starts packing his bags also.
"What are you doing now?" she asks
"I'm coming with you" he answers, " I want to see how you'll live on $1000 a year."

Not Vegas related but...we were out walking the other day, went to a nice country pub for food and a drink. A tractor roared past us with a guy hanging out shouting "the end of the world is nigh!"

It was Farmer Geddon.

Have you ever shoed a horse...?

No, but have told a donkey to @@@@ off though

My wife has been missing a week now and the police have told me to prepare for the worst. I have phoned the charity shop and asked for her clothes back

These are good - any more?

Cheers

Technically, six out of seven dwarves aren't happy.

I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said 'It's my husband! Quick try the back door!'

Thinking back afterwards I really should have legged it but you don't get an offer like that everyday 🙂

In a similar vein to Samuri, there's the one about the guy who arrives home to find his missus screaming

"what's up" he asks
She looks at hims and says "I've won the lottery, pack your bags!"

"What shall I pack for?" He asks. "Where are we going? Sun or snow?"

"I don't care what you pack, you can go where you like, just pack your bags and **** off!"

+1 crispybacon

Class!

A new vibrator has gone on sale it's so realistic that just before the woman's orgasm it comes, coughs, farts, goes limp and switches itself off!

I took the wife bungee jumping at the weekend.She jumped first. As her body hit and spread out over the rocks below, I thought,"That'll ****ing teach you to lie about your weight!"

My daughter said "I hope you're going to shave off that stupid moustache before we go on holiday? It's really embarrassing."

I was speechless. I thought, that's gotta be the bravest thing I've ever heard anyone say to the missus.

"What do we want?"
"A cure for tourettes!"
"When do we want it?"
"C**t!"

Blindman went for a job in a wood yard saying he could identify wood by smell alone.

They tested him out on different types of wood & he guessed right everytime.

To catch him out the secretary lay naked. He sniffed & asked for the wood to be turned over, he sniffed again.

'You can't fool me' he said 'it's an old sh1thouse door off a fishing boat!' 🙂

lol at crispy bacon.

A scientist has invented a bra that stops boobs bouncing up and down and nipples sticking out in the cold.

His colleagues have kicked his head in.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that…. 2:30am?! Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

crispy b, i think you've found your calling 😆

I got stung by a bee the other day, £50 for a pot of honey!

the plan for getting my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat...

I can't believe people find it funny making jokes about people who have died. iDon't.

I just moved in to a new flat with two girls, it's been a bit of a nightmare to be honest. The first one has really bad OCD, whenever she goes in to a room she has to turn the light switch on and off 17 times. That's nothing compared to the other one, she's got epilepsy!

Just been to the Doctors to get my results back about a lump I have. He said, "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" I said, "The good news." He said, "I really think you'd look good in a bandana."

Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand...."I've run over a pig & it's stuck under the tractor still alive!""Shoot it!" Says the farmer "and then bury him". Farmer gets another call ...."done that now what do you think I should do with his f@@@ing speed camera?"

Thirty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.Now we have no jobs, no cash and no hope.

Steve Jobs is in heaven. Having checked in with St. Peter, he is sent straight to God, who is ready and waiting in his office."Let's get this over with," he says. "I'm sure, like everyone else, you have lots of questions, so fire away.""OK. First of all... Why no Flash Player?" asks God.

I asked my wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?""" I would take half and leave!", She said."Excellent!", I said. "I've won a tenner, here's a fiver, now F@@@ Off!!"

My shopping bag had 'This Bag Is Not A Toy' printed on it. My three-year-old disagrees. He's been playing with it as a spaceman's helmet in his room for over an hour now. I haven't heard a peep from him.

"Doctor I think I`m going deaf"

"Could you describe the symptoms"

"Well, Marge has blue hair and Homer has yellow skin"

What do you call an Indian karaoke enthusiast?

Getupta Singh!

What do you call an Indian with an apple on his head?

William Patel!

A womens work is never done

no wonder they get paid less

I was standing there, hands trembling, my wife due home from work any time now... I reached for my youngest daughter's top - it came off with little resistance.

Her training bra was my next hurdle. Hands still trembling, I gently unclipped it and unable to control my hands I watched it as it fell to the floor.

Her short little skirt was next, I reached out and slid it off. As I ran my hands slowly over her My Little Pony panties I could feel they were already really, really damp...

Anyway, I'd better finish getting the rest of the washing in - it's raining and my Parkinsons isn't making it any easier.

Farmer gets home late,can't find his wife downstairs.Goes to bedroom to find her in bed with another man.Man leaps out of bed naked.Farmer grabs his shotgun and shouts "I'm going to blow your f*ckin' bollocks off!".Man screams "Please,please,give a chance!".Farmer says "OK,then swing 'em!!".

Old MacDonald had dyslexia, E I P Q F.

A pork pie walks into a Las Vegas bar and asks the barman "Can I have two pints of lager, a packet of plain crisps and two steak sandwiches, please?" to which the barman replies "Sorry Sir, we don't serve food!"

An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are sitting in a bar. The American says "I've got four sons, one more and I'll have my own basketball team". The Englishman, looking rather smug, says "So what? I've got ten sons, one more and I'll have my own football team". So then the Scotsman says "I've got seventeen wives, one more and I'll have my own golf course!"

Two Americans and an Irishman are standing on top of a Las Vegas skyscrapper when the Irishman says, "I wish it wasn't so cloudy, I really wanted to be able to see the ground from up here." So one of the Americans, "It's not that bad, you're so high up and the clouds are so thick that if you jumped off the top of the building you'd hit them and bounce back up". "Never!" exclaims the Irishman, "I don't believe that!" "It's true!" says the first American, "here, I'll show you" and he jumps off the top of the building and true enough he hits the clouds and bounces back up to the roof. The Irishman is ashtonished and says, "Wow! I've got to try that!", so he jumps off the top of the building and falls straight through the clouds and hits the ground and dies. The second American turns to the first and says, "You know you can be a right bastard at times Superman."

bloke at the bar says 'Barman a double malt please' and he downs it 'another please' and downs that 'again please barman'.... 7 doubles later and the man says 'I shouldn't be drinking these with what I've got' and the barman says 'what have you got??'.... '17p'

two ladies drinking tea in the kitchen and one sees her husband walking up the drive with a big bunch of flowers, 'this means I'll be spending all night on my back with my legs in the air' neighbour says 'do you need to borrow a vase???'

I bought a dog from a blacksmith last week. As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.