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I have been chucking away to myself all morning at some of the great little quotes I have stored away in case the need arises. Here are a few of them:
1. Well I have tried to see things from your point of view, but quite frankly I couldn't my head that far up my own ar*e.
2. I dont have the patience today to pretend your not a tw*t.
3. I may look calm on the outside, but on the inside I've killed you a thousand times.
4. There must be an ar*ehole convention in town.
5. Ohh, thats just like a p*nis, but only smaller.
Anyone got anymore to add to my list?
Matt
I wouldn't quote 5 fully, "but only smaller" makes no sense - remove the but 🙂
Glad to see someone building a list of witty replies for me to use, as I, like you it seems, have absolutely no ability to produce a unique witty response to things.
A million sperm and you were the fastest?
Ach,Awa and lie in yir aine pish.
"The Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you."
Would love to use this in real life, but the opportunity is pretty unlikely to present itself.
On being given to much to do:
"Shall I stick a broom up my arse and sweep up while I'm at it?
Don't **** with a ****er
I witnessed that one being used very accurately when I was in the Army
On being told by a colleague / employee 'but I'm doing my best':
[i]That's what I was afraid of.[/i]
Does anyone remember the thread where the OP had had an altercation with a fairly overweight 4x4 driver (I'm thinking Range Rover...but I could be wrong) and as the driver exited the car the OP said "What are going to do? Eat me?".
That.
Was.
Genius.
I've been saving it up ever since the thread - not had a chance to use it yet. Like coffeeking, I only ever think of the witty things after the event.
About a female colleague "she's got the personality of a rattlesnake,without the attractive markings" which got me slapped in the face IIRC.
Ian
"Just 'cos you've got a beard that's no reason to talk like a c*@!"
Not a quote but I have a drawing of a matchstick man on a piece of paper on my desk with the title "Mr Gives a F***" - I point at it when the MD is near my desk talking nonsense.
You're a **** *!!!
Reserved for those occasions when I meet a **** *.
Like most people I always remember them after the event! Hopefully a few of these new ones will stick. Please keep them coming.
Just thought of a few more:
After being told a crap joke: The 80's are on the phone, they want there joke back.
Tell someone that the Police are at reception and want to see them. Something about impersonating a manager, assistant manager, section leader, accountant (delete as appropriate)
Matt
after being asked to do a menial task at work:
"You want fries with that?"
and if a fit bird asks
"have you got the time?"
Reply "If you've got the energy!"
"Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has got one, not eveyone talks through theirs....."
"you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn" never used that one, but seen it in passing a few times.
"Go boil your head" Now that is one I do use, sadly it rolls off my tongue at the most inappropiate times.
i'm looking for a way of using "i wouldn't wi'yours" at the moment.
whats the famous cricket one?
i dont know the guys names (not into cricket) but i think a kiwi guy was taking the p*ss out of shane warne (spl?) it went something like this..
kiwi guy - "hey shaney you fat tw*t"
shane- "im only fat because everytime i f*ck your wife she gives me a biscuit"
I'm not quick witted enough for these sorts of things so I just use:
"I'll get my dad to batter you"
I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day, but then I realised it said "thick cut."
Does anyone remember the thread where the OP had had an altercation with a fairly overweight 4x4 driver (I'm thinking Range Rover...but I could be wrong) and as the driver exited the car the OP said "What are going to do? Eat me?".That.
Was.
Genius.I've been saving it up ever since the thread - not had a chance to use it yet. Like coffeeking, I only ever think of the witty things after the event.
You're welcome 😆
In fairness though, the driver didn't actually get out of the vehicle, mind you i didn't have the decade to wait for him to do so...
this is a great thread.
I may look calm on the outside, but on the inside I've killed you a thousand times.
I like that 😈
Someone's not giving you what you want - You're so tight you'd peel an orange in your pocket
and when an idea bombs - that went down like a fish milkshake
To be used against taxi drivers, bus drivers, minicab drivers, royal mail van drivers and anyone else who insists on stopping in the bike only bit of advanced stop lines.
The next time you see a picture of a fat c##t painted on the road, you can stop on top of that
How can I soar with the eagles when I'm surrounded by turkeys!
If someone says 'theres's no "i" in team'...
reply 'no, but there's a "u" in C++t'
I was just about to put that one scotsman!!!
An intelligent person doesn't need the promise of heaven to see the merits of good deeds.
How is this also still up?
Sorry don simon, but at work at the moment and sitting listening to two buffons talking shite, then clicked on this thread, timing couldn't have been any better 😀
Also like wynd yer neck in. Gets rite to the point!
I was once in a Ford dealership, waiting my turn to be served, when I overheard a conversation between a very rude mechanic and a customer on an adjacent desk. The customer had a very justifiable complaint and was being treated appallingly. It ended up with the mechanic walking off, customer totally losing his rag and demanding to see the manager. Anyway, when the manager arrived, he asked the customer to point out who the mechanic was and the reply was something like [i]"he's the guy in the blue overall who's acting like a finalist in the 'ar*ehole of the year' competition"[/i]. The whole waiting area - staff and waiting customers included - collapsed into gales of laughter. Everyone, that is, except the complainant who was visibly shaking with pent up anger, and getting angrier by the second.
Why do scotch people type in dialect?
I know its Scottish btw
@scotsman, Win some, lose some.
One or two that I've used in the past.
"Have many people told you to **** off today?"
"You don't have to be a pr**k you whole life!"
"Many people smack you in the mouth for no apparent reason?"
They don't roll of the tongue, but the message is clear. 😀
"What are going to do? Eat me?".
that was a good day on STW
I always rely on
'never let the truth get in the way of a good story' if I've been pulled up for being creative with the truth..
'Id hate to advocate drugs alcohol or insanity but they've always worked for me' is another favourite in times of trouble..
From the Time Bandits film;
'You are so mercifully free from the ravages of intelligence'
When I've had people talking to me about boring stuff, I've been known to look over my shoulder. Cue the person talking asking me "hat are you looking for?"
"I'm looking to see if there's someone behind me who give s ****"
true story, the other people at the desk pissed themselves and to be fair so did she once she got over it 😉
Were you born a ****' or have you had to work really hard to become one?
Why do scotch people type in dialect?
I dinnae ken min why dae jocks write in dialect?
Wynd yer neck in min! 😉
Once heard uttered by someone who was under a car at the time "**** me this ****ing f**ckers f**cked"
It's too early for coffee, I'll have a scotch.
"I'm struggling to think of anything I care less about."
"your face looks like it has seen your own arse!"
Said to an awkward member of staff
Me "its FIFO time"
Him "First in First Out?"
Me "no, Fit In or **** Off"
Also useful "does this look like the face of a man that gives a ****", pointing at self.
Or when at a meeting to discuss a project that had gone way over budget "you're spending MY bonus!"
Justification for archaeological works to developer:
"Those who would divine the future must study the past"
Confucius
APF