[Closed] Farting then - Good, Bad, Harmless Fun, or can only end badly?

1) Dutch ovens lead to divorce
2) Farting is great fun for the farter
3) Even my 84 year old grandad found farts hilarious, so you never grow out of it
4) I find if I lay off the carbs I don't fart, at all.

I was once walking through town with a friend when we were stopped by a lady who asked us:

"have you had an accident in the last two years?"

Without any hesitation my friend says:

"yes, just the other day I drank ten pints of Guinness, then farted and followed-through"

To which the lady said:

"that's not what I mean"

So my friend protested in a very loud voice:

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, I DIDN'T MEAN TO CRAP MY SELF"

.......well I found it funny even if she didn't!

Farts are lime kids, your own are fine but anyone else's are annoying.

Four egg omelette for tea last night and now the bedroom is a dangerous place to be.

.......well I found it funny even if she didn't!

JEngledow - to be fair, she would have been referring to 'non-fault' accident. If someone else had followed through in your friends underpants, they may have had a case for conpensation on a no win, no fee basis.

Best
Thing
In
The
World

^ me three 😆

Nothing worse than letting one go in private on to be joined by some hot chic imediately it starts to permiate the space.

I wish it was an Olympic sport. I'm really good at it, yet my talent goes largely unrecognised.

My stepson is the most competitive kid in the world, he found himself embroiled in a farting competition at school and got a little bit more than he bargained for. A lot more actually. Anyway, he immediately went for the denial option and spent the day being followed around by some meaty odours at school.

Lesson learned? Not quite...six months later I found him scrubbing out his school trousers in the bathroom at home. I asked him what he was up to and he replied "farting compettion in maths. Followed through...don't tell mum".

Got thrown out of a music lesson at school for farting...
I can't remember what I used to eat back in the day, but I was a prolific farter. It was always hilarious for me and anyone else not in direct contact with the fumes.
I'd like to think I've grown up, but I still find farting funny.

I wish it was an Olympic sport

Which nation would win then?

Its brilliant up until that point when you realise that your arse crack is no longer dry = bad times

Farts are like children. People only like their own.

this, however, is the bestest fart in the history of Youtube;

SITS last year, as is the way when you're exercising loads and eating pretty much anything you can get your hands on to keep you going, I needed a big fart... Scratch that... THE BIGGEST FART the world has ever heard! At about 5am, just as the sun had come up, in the last wooded section on the course.

So I started to let rip... And it wasn't quiet... And it lasted maybe 3 or 4 seconds! As I exclaimed "God I needed that" fairly loudly, I rounded a corner, to find a rather hot blonde woman on her bike in front of me. The embarrassment! I passed her (she was chuckling) and didn't half get a move on I was so embarrassed!

Sometimes though, you just gotta go! And when it feels like the best thing in the world, you just gotta share it! 😉

Have managed to clear a few nightclub dancefloors in my time too, but always managed to get away without getting found out... hehehe

Smelling someone else's arse particles is disgusting.

However, due to a genetic defect (having a Y chromosome), I find the sound of farting hilarious, especially when done at the least appropriate moment.

Never found farting funny personally. It's just a bit grim. Can't help but wonder about folk that find it amusing.

I got into an empty lift just vacated by one guy to go down to the airport ground floor (just one stop). About halfway down the smell started to hit me. By the time we reached the ground floor I'd turned green. The doors then opened to revealed a crowd of passengers ready to board, all of whom were hit by the guys stench before I manage to make my way sheepishly though them. Bastard!

At primary school we were having a music assembly recorded for some reason or other. We were sat in the school hall, band playing, tape recorders running, when my class mate David Chapman let out a long and musical parp. We giggled, as you do, and quickly got the attention of one of the most evil females teachers to grace the planet. Thing is, the more she glared and gesticulated, the more we laughed. Eventually, crying with laughter, we had to be led from the hall. Happy days.

there is a line somewhere but I find it elusive - Was sitting on a train station platform and the guy next to be drops the old "silent but violent" trick it was NOT FUNNY, almost made me feel sick so had a go at him whereupon he pretends not to know what I was talking bout!

James Joyce was a flatuphile apparently...

Few weeks ago the burd and I were snuggling up on the sofa watching telly, me up front, both facing the same way, she moved and a little one sneaked out, have not really been allowed to forget it. Thing is I am dreading her revenge as I can't stand other people farting.

Woman in the hippo video: "What was that?"

Yeah, right.

Woman in the hippo video: "What was that?"

Yeah, right.

The sound isn't from the original clip. The hippo was actually having a silent poo.

Similarly the second clip is staged from some show.

I have a nemesis on the train who always seems to get on my carriage and drop SBDs, for which I get the blame for. The perpetrator is a small, slip of a girl aged about twenty who has a taste in floaty summer dresses and who looks like she wouldn't harm a fly.

I've tried getting on another carriage, but it's no use, she seems to find me, sit opposite me and emit putrid bum gasses of a Piers Morgan level of foulness, just before the conductor walks into the carriage and gives me the most filthy looks.

Any advice on dealing with this nemesis would be welcome.

Similarly the second clip is staged from some show.

Any advice on dealing with this nemesis would be welcome.

Sound, volume and duration are funny. Smell isn't.

small, slip of a girl aged about twenty who has a taste in floaty summer dresses and who looks like she wouldn't harm a fly...putrid bum gasses

The poor lass probably has a loose ring...from that vigorous morning sesh with the w/e b/f. Possibly not just bum gases then!

Any advice on dealing with this nemesis would be welcome.

Marry her.

being particular unsuccessful at "pulling" in a nightclub i would regularly seek out the prettiest female there and ruin her chances by dropping my guts next to her.

Farmer Giles- it's you!! Has anyone noticed that since the smoking ban, all dancefloors smell of shit and BO, getting progressively worse as people get more leathered?

I find my own and other peoples farts funny. I love the sniper fart, silent but deadly 😈

Cant beat a good air ripper,i even laugh when alone,my wife hardly ever farts in public but when she does they can pollute a small country. I love her.

I love her.

Curry house in Wimbledon used to do sprout bahjee balti...after 8 pints of ale, I nearly got kicked out of home by my dad after filling the house every Sunday morning....

All farts are funny. But the funniest fart of all is a fart in an exam.

Anyone enjoy danger-farting?

Solo in lifts or somewhere at work that is briefly unoccupied?

can someone post a vid of that weather presenter vomming, or someone peeing themselves as a consolation to the fake above?

My phone farts at me everytime i get a text message, iv'e set it to Rusty Hinge 😆
Although Tuna Melt and Colon Powell are funny too....

All beer makes most people fart but after 2 years in Wales I can confidently say that there is something really special about Brains.
That stuff makes me a social cripple for at least 48 hours post consumption and it even offends myself.
I just don't know how people can drink it during the week.

Once got 200 lines for a pant ripper in Physics lesson. That was back in 1968 and I still remember it, it was a real beauty.

after 2 years in Wales I can confidently say that there is something really special about Brains.

I've spent an amount of time in Wales also, and I can state with some confidence that Brains' farts pale into insignificance next to Theakston's finest eggy.

I can state with some confidence that Brains' farts pale into insignificance next to Theakston's finest eggy.

It's called "old Peculier" for a reason...

There was a scouse guy who used to drink in the local where I used to live. Hard working fella apparently, well paid job and quite a bit of responsibility, but single and spent most of his disposable income getting pissed at the weekends by all accounts, almost entirely on Guinness. Oh, and I was told his diet wasn't that good, pie and chips pretty much every meal.

Anyway, forget whatever beers you guys think stink when they come out the back end, this guy emptied the pub on more than one occasion! None of us like the smell of anything except our own brand, but whilst other peoples will usually make us cover our noses, or hold our breath for a moment, never before have I started wretching violently to the point where I very nearly puked because I was in the same airspace as this guy.

I stood topping up my oyster card in CWharf station and let one go, thinking no one was behind me, to turn around to find a very pretty girl standing red faced directly behind me. I apologised, but the damage was done.

MrsBouy is incredibly windy, being a veggie has nothing to do with it, she says she's always bern the same.. I call her "trumpton"

It's something that keeps happening around me...

...I got into work the other morning for nine AM and headed up to our third floor kitchen to make a cup of coffee. I opened the kitchen door to see a very pretty girl whom I'd never met before, looking slightly surprised and nervous.

"Hi!" she blushed. "How are you? Lovely morning isn't it? The kettle's boiled, I have to dash, bye" she continued. And she shot out of the door as quickly as anything.

And then a meaty stench hit my nostrils...

I'd obviously caught her seconds after she'd dropped a beer fart in an otherwise deserted office. I've not seen much of her since, I think she's avoiding me.

Why is it the pretty ladies of London choose to drop their lunch near me? 🙁

Farts are hillarious.

Norwegian Hansa lager gives you great farts that smell exactly the same as the beer.

Once farted over dinner in a restaurant and followed through. It was in Cairo though so pretty much the norm I'd say.

Once farted over dinner in a restaurant and followed through

Reading though thread with a coffee trying not to spray the laptop 😆

After the Brains and old peculiar I raise you Orchard Gold cider 😯 This has claimed a number of people when visiting my local near Cwmcarn 😆

Once farted over dinner in a restaurant and followed through. It was in Cairo though so pretty much the norm I'd say.

Been there. Dominican Republic visiting g/f (of the day) family. Out to dinner. Light coloured trousers. Daren't move off my chair until g/f had checked for any tell-tale stainage...luckily it had felt worse than it was, and my underwear had saved the day.

Spent that whole two week visit fending of the largest mosquitos I'd ever seen, sitting on the loo with the squits, or more often than not both at the same time.

Once farted over dinner in a restaurant and followed through

this happened to a friend on the first date wi a lass during the starters. He went to the bog n cleaned himself off, stashing his soiled grots in the toilet cistern for reasons that are still unclear. He then went back and continued the date commando. It went well by all accounts.

I'm surprised no one has posted Benjamin Franklin's proposal to the royal society :[url= http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fart_Proudly ]fart proudly[/url]

I have perused your late mathematical Prize Question, proposed in lieu of one in Natural Philosophy, for the ensuing year...
Permit me then humbly to propose one of that sort for your consideration, and through you, if you approve it, for the serious Enquiry of learned Physicians, Chemists, &c. of this enlightened Age.
It is universally well known, That in digesting our common Food, there is created or produced in the Bowels of human Creatures, a great Quantity of Wind. That the permitting this Air to escape and mix with the Atmosphere, is usually offensive to the Company, from the fetid Smell that accompanies it. That all well-bred People therefore, to avoid giving such Offence, forcibly restrain the Efforts of Nature to discharge that Wind.

When I was about 18 I had a pair of speedo swim shorts that when wet, formed a seal against the thigh and emitted a perfect whoppee cussion noise when ever I bent down or raised the leg above a certain point.

Que hours of wet fart cossack dancing by the hotel pool.

the largest mosquitos I'd ever seen sitting on the loo with the squits

Mosquitos can get the squits? 😯

used to work with a Guy who could fart virtually at will, most of the one's he did sounded like he'd followed through, but he proclaimed he never did...... 😆 He became known as the "Smudger"

Sorry but farting is funny....

After L2B off road, the pub in the village we were staying in was holding a wedding in the function room and we were sat in the lounge/bar area. So after a day of carbs/gels an indian and lots of ale the farting competition was getting out of hand to the point where they opened all the windows and doors in the pub and most of the guests had decided to vacate the area.... 😳 😆 still get reminded about that quite one regularly.

used to work with a Guy who could fart virtually at will

Did William object?

I used to go to school with a lad who could do that. Only on social occasions though, as I think it hurt him somehow. They were just colossal, those trumps.

que hours of wet fart cossack dancing by the hotel pool.

Literally crying with laughter at that. The mental image I have of it is astonishingly funny. 😀

Farts are like children. People only like their own.

this, however, is the bestest fart in the history of Youtube;

@wwaswas

LOL and small tears 🙂

Once got 200 lines for a pant ripper in Physics lesson. That was back in 1968 and I still remember it, it was a real beauty

1. 12 years ago when i met my wife! the honeymoon days..sex,sex,sex. well when i was down her she let one of those silent but deadly farts go.straight up the nose, resulting in alot of gagging and to be fair killed the moment.
2. had a good night out on the piss.the next day the head and guts where hurting.lying on sofa slothing it out..watching tv, had to squeeze a fart out ooops felt the damp ran to bathroom and got rid of evidence before wife come out from kitchen. 5 mins later thought i would squeeze another out oops i hadnt learnt my lesson.the wife was next to me this time. but managed to run into the bathroom without the embarasement of her knowing. ive owned up since because its always a good pub laugh.
3. three years ago at my work xmas party we all went out for a curry.the beer was flowing and some of the old boys where getting a bit gobby towards members of the staff.i like curry, but these where pretty hot.so im thinking..gobby blokes = extra curry powder. afterwards the old men went home to their wifes and me and my mate decided to hit the club. well by the time we got in, the stomachs where turning and we had to sprint to bog. only one toilet available,mate got in first i was stranded waiting.thought i would have a go to relieve the pressure by letting a slow gradual fart go.mistake, i followed through.mate came out, i went in , slung the cacks in the corner of the toilet cubical and went commando for the rest of night. sorry no paper towel bin, hand dryers only so no way of getting rid of evidence. sorry to the cleaner next day.