[Closed] ever poo(ed) yourself at work?

for the otherjonv:

Oh, the wayward wind is a restless wind
Is a restless wind that yearns to wander

Just before my first born arrived I was out for a run, about a mile from home the pressure started, released a few test farts to see how serious the situation was whch eased the pressure a little. It soon became apparent there was now no room for pressure release and the next push was going to be serious. I hobbled walked, limped, minced my way home and about 100 yds away it fell out. Completely filled the inner liner in my shorts as I didn't have underwear on and it swung between my legs as I walked.

When I eventually reached my front door, with the package precariously balanced between my legs, I noticed we had a visitor. Entered the front room gingerly and sat on the sofa with my pregnant wife was the woman who comes round to sign you up for nappy trials! I shuffled upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door, drooped the shorts slowly, emptied into toilet, rinsed inner liner, and then bagged them and put to one side for a wash as soon as visitor had left.

I later found out that a neighbour had seen me making my way home and asked my wife if I was ok as I was walking like I had just got off a horse!

Never done it at work though.

makes for a fast exit

Entered the front room gingerly and sat on the sofa

Gahhhhh to late to edit. Didn't sit on the sofa, the nappy woman was sat on the sofa!

Many years ago, some colleagues and I travelled up to see an Ashes Test match at Edgebaston - we beat them on the Sunday night. We went for a curry to celebrate and retired to our hotel.

Next morning, most of the guys headed south to the office, my boss and I headed north to a meeting at another office. On the way, luckily whilst at some services, I discovered that the curry may have been a little dodgy, as were my bowels.

Got to the office for the meeting. Was OK for the first half hour, but then the pressure began to build. I knew it wasn't just a fart. I started to shift uncomfortably in my seat. The meeting was taking forever....

Eventually, I just stood up, excused myself and ran out the office, past the secretary, into the corridor and found the gents toilets, just in time.

They had a combination lock on the door - public access to the communal areas.

Ran back into the secretary's office, got the combination, ran back out to the gents, hit the buttons with trembling fingers and managed to get bare arse on the loo seat just as all my internal organs departed through the rear exit, or so it felt.

Walked back into the meeting 10 minutes later to find that my boss had decided honesty was the best policy and told everyone that I had the galloping shits. Git.

Ya, shat myself at school when I was 12 yr old by trying to force fart on other kids ... 😆

Gahhhhh to late to edit. Didn't sit on the sofa, the nappy woman was sat on the sofa!

Not so much shat myself but a shitting at work story.

We were working in a city center shop which due to it being refitted had no toilet on the day we were there
So desperate to park the night befores curry my mate suggested i go to Mcdonalds and use their bog so off I trotted only to find them closed for cleaning
Clenched the butts up and waddled back still very desperate and had an idea do it in a bucket in the back of my van parked outside .
So popped some brow paper in the bucket and emptied into it the stink was pretty bad so wrapped it up with tape and popped it in a litter bin outside the shop .

Anyways while we were having a brew and watching the folks go past along comes a tramp picking up ciggies and he goes for a look in the bin only to remove my parcel and pop it into his carrier bag and amble off 😯

Told this story on here before but....

I used to commute on bike to work wearing 3/4's then pop my work trousers on at work. A guy who sat opposite me was away from his desk when he text me "can I borrow your shorts" ok I said and then he asked if I could take them discreetly to the toilets. I did and he confessed he didn't like sitting on the toilet when pooing at work and had 'hover bombed' and not pulled his trousers down enough and there was poo now sitting in them. I couldn't stop laughing, I lent him the shorts and he asked if I would kindly explain this by saying he spilled coffee down himself and his trousers were dirty to the very attractive receptionist we had...

...I didn't

Nearly but got to the toilet on time.

Think I pooped in play school 🙁

A colleague at my former workplace was *always* in the toilets. Pretty much guaranteed that when anyone from our lab went in there, they'd come back with horror stories about the noises and smells coming from Trap 4 (that being his favourite cubicle).

He was known as Penguin John as he wore black trousers and a white shirt and bore a strong resemblance to The Penguin from Batman. He lived on a diet of Red Bull and coffee and as a result was extremely jittery and also very flatulent.

And when he walked it would frequently sound like he was smuggling ducks - little farts escaping with each step as he waddled to the toilets to carpet bomb Trap 4 again.

By work I assume you meant pre school?

I have come close thanks to the sudden arrival of a virulent stomach bug mid afternoon many years ago. The drive home to safety was buttock clenching. But not as unpleasant as being sat on the loo while simultaneously puking in the bath.

As with many a topic on here, I meet the thread criteria but just don't have the quality to make my story worth posting.

At the other end of the scale friend of a friend has sold everything and bought a motorhome.
There's his wife and son going round Europe with him and they are NOT allowed to use the toilet. He has a little book listing public loos and every morning he cycles to the nearest one.
Apparently the 18 year old son can go for a week without a poo.

Ha pretty funny stories there!
Luckily I was on my own and it wasn't a violent explosion, just a little extra on the end of a fart! Dodgy guts though! (Unsure if swimming related jambo!)

This is a crap thread.

One of my mates swallowed poop while swimming in the sea as a kid.

At the other end of the scale friend of a friend has sold everything and bought a motorhome.
There's his wife and son going round Europe with him and they are NOT allowed to use the toilet. He has a little book listing public loos and every morning he cycles to the nearest one.
Apparently the 18 year old son can go for a week without a poo.

Seems to be a no-no with some caravaners, Guy I used to work with used to go away for weekends in his tourer with the wife, and another couple who had their own tourer. Friendship came to an abrupt halt when his mate had a jobbie in my colleagues caravan toilet. Apparently not the done thing?.

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[quote=Nobeerinthefridge a dit]
Been known ever since as 'Bonanza pants'

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Nope, but having ibs I have come too close too many times 🙁

In the days before building sites had portaloos, a mate of mine went round the back of a sand heap to have a dump. Dropped his overalls down and squeezed one out, pulled overalls back up only to find that he'd laid a turd in his collar and it was now squashed against the back of his neck.

"Why are your trousers in the bin?" Mrs C asked..
"Shuddup, not talking" I said...

Too many chocolate biscuits.

Turned out to be a live round

That's a brilliant description. I laughed out loud.

I've been close but never had a brown-out.

An old mate of mine used to enjoy arboreal defecation a.k.a. shitting out of a tree. I have no further information nor explanation for this.
Although in mitigation, this is the same guy who, after too much Glenfiddich, confessed to the group that he enjoyed sticking a saucepan handle up his chute.

Bah, that's nothing.

If he could subsequently whip up an omelette, then I'd be impressed.

Had a close one when I had a stomach bug, bit of a dribble rather than a full on poop, so having walked to the toilet low and behold the cleaning girl is in there and to be honest I had a bit of a thing for her so off I went across the site to the offices for the clean up operation.

A colleague at a hotel whilst on site managed to redecorate the bathroom whilst being sick down the toilet, being a premier inn that probably got the room quarantined. The best times at work are the cubicle sound off's, 5 traps full at 10am 😆

Never at work but when I had severe ulcerative colitis I had a number of very near misses and did shit myself more times than is pleasant.

Not an illness I would wish on my very worst enemy...

had it not been for this, I would've probably had a lot to add to this thread

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thankfully some understanding shopkeepers/business owners have saved the day multiple times.

I also have a radar key, which is great when out and about. The stares to you get when a 'normal' person uses a disabled bog are priceless. Only been questioned about it once by some busybody - told her I had my legs cut off by a train when I was 13 and she apologised and walked off looking sheepish

Not at work, but on the way home from work after a trip to the pub.

In the pub after work I let off the smelliest fart ever. A real strong sulphuric smell that half emptied the pub and one that even I was struggling with. Anyway, later that night around 2am, on my way home my guts decided that they were going to explode with very little warning. I was walking through a housing scheme at the time, but luckily there was what appeared to be a bit of waste ground with lots of dark areas where I could go and evacuate the bowels. The trouble there was that this waste ground was at the other side of a 6ft high fence. The effort of getting over that fence was more than my ringpiece was able to withstand and halfway over the fence there was suddenly a river of shit running down my legs. I decided that rather than walk home caked in shit I would use my boxers to clean myself up a bit and go commando the rest of the way. This worked reasonably well, but I had to walk home like a guy who had lost his horse.

Anyway, I was walking past that bit of waste ground a few weeks later and it turns out that the waste ground has very little in the way of dark areas....

I was off work with norovirus for most of that week.

Not at work but I was just about to set off. I started getting these seriously painful stomach cramps all sudden like. I was gingerly making my way upstairs to go to the toilet and was gripped by a cramp so painful I had no option but to release. Very unpleasant. I was off work for a couple of days after that because I was afraid to spend any time more than 5 yards from a toilet.

We've got a downstairs toilet now.

Never thought this thread would run and run... 😉

Before it became too dangerous I used to go to ****stan on business quite a lot, which I enjoyed. On an early visit I made the mistake of eating some melted ice cream and came the closest I've ever come to dying in an hotel bog, couldn't believe so much liquid could come out of the human body, both ends.

On a more recent visit I had to catch a very early domestic flight up to Lahore and while waiting in the check in queue I knew I had about 30 seconds to find a bog. The terminal was brand spanking new, all marble and very clean and shiny and there was a young ****stani lad in the bogs going round with a bucket and mop, dressed in nice clean shalwar kameez and very proud of his sweeper job. I dashed into the furthest cubicle only to realise that somebody had been standing on the seat (common there) which was filthy so I dropped my keks, bent over hovering above the seat and let rip. While the hot spicy gravy was flowing I had the realisation that it didn't sound as if it was pouring into the pan so I looked around and realised that the stream was bursting out horizontally and hitting the wall then running down behind the pan and spreading out towards me on the floor. There was nothing I could do so I cleaned up with the hosepipe as best I could and headed out to wash my hands, feeling really guilty. As I left the bogs the proud sweeper reached my trap with his bucket; he opened the door and stared inside in shock, his jaw dropping. All I could do was apologise and walk off leaving the poor lad to clean up my mess. Still feel bad about it even now.

BTW my cycling buddy is a gastroenterologist and he tells me that the human rectum is very well equipped with nerves, which allow you to know whether the rectal contents are solid, liquid or gas. A useful skill.

I really think I should take the time to thank everyone who's contributed to this thread. You've brightened up my Monday morning. The 'Bonanza Pants' comment made coffee come out of my nose. 😆

can we carry this thread on please??
Best thing ive read in ages. Proper Lol'd loads of times.
C'mon there must be more!!

The OP seems to have stopped posting after [s]sharting[/s] starting this thread.

dissapointed

I heard a great story from a former colleague about 2 Engineers from his past firm who were over in Malaysia commissioning some tooling.

They wanted to take in the local culture so had lunch from a street vendor before setting off back to the hotel during rush hour traffic.

They had a choice of 2 bridges over the river - old and new. The new bridge had a toll but traffic was moving. The old bridge was free but packed. The guy refused flatly to pay the toll. They opted for culture and thrift.

Sure enough, I bet you guessed, half way over, the gurgling started.

He didn't make it over the bridge, was left sitting in it in the car with the other occupants gasping! All for 10p.

Funnily enough, another guy I worked with left our place and went to the above company. He called a couple of months later to say he may have to go to Malaysia and had been told "Pay for the new bridge!".

Oh. My. God
Miss stripes thinks I'm revolting after laughing my way through this over breakfast.

Never had this problem at work, but many years ago when out for a run I similarly gambled and lost. The nearest public convievence was a train station (Truro) and I waddled in to the gents to rid myself of my squelchy undies. What I had failed to consider was that those IRA bastards had ensured that the only bin on a public train station was half way down the platform and a transparent bag (admittedly not their greatest crime)

The time (sponsored by my inAccurist butthole) was approximately 8:30 and the station crowded.

A walk of shame the likes of which I never wish to repeat ensued as I gingerly clutched those bright stripy boxers betwixt finger and thumb. 😐

@waswaswas Ive been away on my holidays 😀 just got back to check the thread and had a giggle at the replies.

It was a long time ago, but the stench still haunts me. While in the senior service, and serving on that fine vessel HMS Invincible, a terrible, terrible thing happened during its last deployment before being sent to the knackers yard. As it was the last deployment, the supply officer had taken the decision that instead of ordering the usual amount of fresh victuals, that it would be cost effective to use whatever was left in the ships freezers, no matter how long it had been in there, oh, how he regretted that decision.

So after several weeks of sailing about the North Atlantic we finally turned for home, the evening meal was dished up, a choice between lamb and fish, we didn't know it then, but it was a game of brown trouser Russian roulette.

A couple of hours later, suddenly and without warning, half the mess started loosing off what can only be described in naval terms as a "full broadside". The noise, the smell, the looks of sheer panic on the faces of the afflicted as they suddenly sprinted out the door up the passage way to the nearest heads, only to find that half the ships company were also doing the penguin sprint to any heads that they could find. Within minutes, the passageway looked like a major incident in a mulligatawny soup factory, some didnt even make it out of the mess before their sphincters waved the white flag of surrender and accepted their fate. And those that werent affected? well, the rolling motion of the ship, combined with the stench of a couple hundred sailors sharting themselves triggered what can only be described as a vomiting chain reaction, it was carnage!! The sickbay was swamped (literally), then the medial officer announced over the ships tannoy that it appeared that the fish may have been "off" and anyone affected was to stay in bed for 24 hours and to keep taking fluids. So, on this advice I crawled to bed, poured myself into my sleeping bag and zipped it up, with hindsight not the smartest thing to do, as 30 minutes later, I was still desperately fumbling with the zip to escape my quilted coffin of diarrhea as a jet of bottom gravy came out with such velocity that it hit the back of my head, and there I lay delirious, in my own filth for the next 12 hours.

And the aftermath? Several decks had to have a deep clean, the Chinese laundry men onboard, had thousand yard stares for about a week, after dealing with soiled clothes/sleeping bags/towels and it was found that the fish had been onboard so long that they should have been awarded a Falklands Medal.

Reign_Man wins! Priceless write-up 😀

God Good.

Post of the week and indeed the month!

I am crying with laughter and my daughter has left the room in disgust. She didn't even get to the sleeping bag bit. 😆

My cousin, a GP, got food poisoning during a doctors' convention at an hotel somewhere. He and a dozen other doctors had to spend a couple of days in hospital on a drip to keep the fluids up.

Nowadays when I travel in Africa I carry a good supply of Lomotil and Ciprofloxacin, which works very well indeed. I don't get problems very often; either because my guts are more accustomed to the bugs or because hygiene has improved. Last time I was in Dubai though, I was in a shopping mall when I got that awful liquid gurgling feeling deep in my guts and knew I had a minute to get to a bog. Got sorted then walked straight into a pharmacy to ask for Lomotil but the Indian pharmacist told me they had sold out and gave me something called Motilium, saying it would resolve the problem. Took one and within ten minutes was running for the bog, then again and again and again until my poor ricker was so sore I had to resort to using the hose pipe. After an hour of this it stopped and I felt OK to go back to my hotel where I Googled Motilium: turned out it's a drug that causes rapid emptying of the bowel for use in cases of nausea or before operations. I bet that Indian pharmacist giggled about it all evening.

Not quite. On antibiotics for a tooth abscess. Work that day involved several visits to clients' sites in the car. I took a precautionary visit before getting in the car but had rumblings in way to first client - a family run B&B/tea shop. Elderly couple were very friendly and treated me like a lost son. Clearly very house proud. The pressure built. I asked for directions for bathroom and used their downstairs loo, just off the landing. Aaah relief. I proceeded to clean up with loo brush. Flushed and handle/mechanism of loo snapped. Awful stinky french onion soup with the type of croutons no one wants and no way of getting rid.

Washed hands, opened the window and got back to their coffee table to talk work stuff. That stench pervaded every square cm of their house in minutes. Wifey disappears for a considerable period. Meeting lasts far too long until I eventually make my excuses and leave. They questioned by company's bill shortly afterwards but never claimed loss of earnings.