My friend got his kids the new 'Boomerang with teeth' for Christmas.
That's going to come back and bite him...
Dad joke....
I took my 3 kids to see Santa at the weekend. As we were leaving, Santa said to me "what do you want for Christmas?". I replied "I'd like a unicorn please Santa". Santa said "I don't think I can get one of those for you I'm afraid. Anything else you'd like?"
"Ah well" said I, "in that case an hour's peace and quiet will do for me"
"What colour unicorn would you like?" replied Santa.....
🙂
An English cat named one two three challenged a French cat called Un Deux Trois to a swimming race across the Channel. Un Deux Trois cat sank.
That is quite possibly treesonable.
Leaf it, it's not worth it
The inventor of the USB connector died - They lowered the coffin, then pulled it back up, turned it over, then lowered it again, before realising they were right the first time.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
man went to the doctor, he said " i cant stop singing tom jones songs"
doctor says
" its not unusual"
whats the most common owl in the uk
the teat
whats the difference between illicit and illegal
illicit is against the law, illegal is a sick bird
Why don't owls mate when it's raining?
Because it's too wet to woo.
Why did the lion and the witch enter the wardrobe?
Narnia business
Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'
Two lads out Christmas shopping.
One points into a shop window and says "that's the one I'd get."
Then a cyclops ran out and punched him.
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even.
i woke up this morning covered in small golden wheat disks, i soon realised i had ebola cornflakes
I wanted to introduce myself to the abominable snowman but I wasn't sure of the yetiquette.
Did you hear what happened to Jesus when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye kicked the crap out of him.
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins.
What a turtle disaster.
a blind man walks into a shop and starts swinging his guide dog round his head. Shopekeeper says 'do you need any help?' blind man replies 'no thanks I'm just having a look round'
My girlfriend and I split up this morning.
When she said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I really thought she was joking.
Then I saw her face...
I'm in the same boat, mine left me because of my Linkin park obsession.
But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
On the plus side, she said she'd come back if I never quoted oasis again.
I said maybe.
I've just seen Chris Rea on the train. Christmas is ruined.
On the plus side, she said she'd come back if I never quoted oasis again.I said maybe.
Had a bowl of Oasis soup the other day. You got a roll with it.
In rugby news, the All Black's latest tour match against a Gay XV produced a shock result when the Gay XV won by two tries and a conversion.
A Roman walks into a bar, sticks 2 fingers up at the barman and says..
'Five beers please mate.'
Cyclops 😆 😆 😆 I shouldn't encourage him but that made me laugh out loud
A white horse walks into a bar.
The Barman says "Hello, mate! We've got a Whisky named after you"
The horse says " In that case, I'll have a double Harry"
I've just seen Chris Rea on the train. Christmas is ruined.
Took me a while, but 😀
Be careful when drinking too much this Christmas – on Friday night I was so drunk I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar – or what the pedantic Waitrose manager called “his delicatessen”.
Which author steals train sets from under the Christmas tree? Nick Hornby.
I’m not saying my family were poor, but one Christmas I got a battery stating “Toy not Included”!
I’m looking forward to our Christmas Lunch – I’m having the Miley Cyrus…. Twerky with all the trimmings
Last night, whilst Christmas shopping, I stood watching a busker with a didgeridoo playing “Dancing Queen” – I thought that’s aboriginal!
I saw Elton John on a night out last Saturday, so I instinctively punched him in the face. The two faced bastard had me arrested.
Cougar - Moderator
I hear the inventor of predictive text has died.His funfair will be hello on sundial.
[url= http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/shimano-1x11-chain-suckling-issue-anyone-else#post-7386960 ]Did that one yesterday with a better punchline[/url]
I went to the zoo the other day, but the only animal they had was a dog in a cage.
It was a sh1t zoo.
I invented some Christmas sweets for Sheep.
I call them Baa Humbugs.
Nurse: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Burnt Bread
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?
Me: Yes, I'm black toast intolerant
A large insect has just flown in my window and exploded. I think it was a jihadi long-legs.
Me and the wife walked past this bloke who was plssed as a newt when the wife said 'I know him', I asked who he was and she said 'he proposed to me twenty years ago and I said no' I was like OMG he's still celebrating twenty years on...
A Buddhist monk goes to a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
The England rugby team visited Great Ormond Street children's hospital earlier this week.
"It was really sad. Looking at their empty eyes, their sad faces, with all hope gone", said Amy, aged 7.
Why are native american chiefs buried on the top of hills
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
because they're dead
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
What's ET short for?
He's only got little legs!
One for the older readers...
What's the difference between Robert Maxwell and Popeye?
Popeye got to mount olive [i]before[/i] he died.
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
.
Wi' Jam in.
Went to a restaurant recently where the soup of the day was called Oasis soup. What's Oasis soup?,I asked the waiter.
You get a roll with it...he replied.
What is written on Richard Gere's kit bag?
Richard's gear.
What did Kermit the frog say when Jim Henson died?
Nothing.
I was attending a New Years party when a small scuffle broke out at the dessert trolley.
Apparently, someone had knocked over a bowl of meringue fingers.
A trifling matter, really.
There are two monkeys in a bath. The first monkey says "ooo ooo ooo" to which the second monkey replies "if it's too hot put some cold water in".