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She asked me what time and I said about 11ish. She told me it would have to be earlier as she leaves for work at 7:30. When I asked why I would have to leave earlier, she replied "because after the other night, the babysitter is scared of you".
OP: You can see the manipulation here can't you? She senses you're calling her bluff. a) she's trying to put a barrier to you going out when you choose (control) and b)she knows that making you feel guilty has made you stay in the past - blaming you for how the babysitter allegedly feels.
I'm not a pro here, my experience comes from dealing with a bullying boss but I would doubt that this will become a 'war of words' as you put it, as others more experienced in these things than me have said, it's likely to escalate into more serious stuff the minute she realises the game's up - you already know she's violent.
Maybe worth going straight to the Police when you leave and tell them what you've done. Then if she tries to pin something on you, they heard from you first...
My eyes were opened when I bought this book to help me deal with the bullying boss, it's a quick read and I can highly recommend it to help you see her manipulations more clearly and how to respond to them/change your own behaviour to help stop it happening in the first place. [Can't get linky to work, it's called Wolf In Sheep's Clothing £7 from Amazon]
Told me of 2 incidences, squirting shampoo into the eyes of a resident that can't speak and using a whole bottle of chilli sauce in another's meal and laughing while they watch him eat it. It's not just her though, there are a few of them that work there that do it!
and you say you love her? you're as screwed up as you say she is....
don't be a wet fish. grow some and get out. think of yourself.
report it before the marks go - don't procrastinate anymore.
If you haven't reported it by wednesday then I'll come round and start beating on you as well!
My son is in a similar position to the OP. However, his girlfriend managed to get pregnant, so we now have a 15mth old grandson in the mix.
I'm not doing an internet diagnosis, but I will say that many of the classic symptoms of Psychosis (no, that's not being a psycho) seem to fit here. Especially the absence of regret and the complete inability to understand actions have consequences.
I think you're right to cut loose, but I think pressing charges would just make this escalate. And I think you would hate the consequences of that.
By all means go to the cops, explain everything and say you do not wish to press charges, even though you feel you have every right, but you would like the arrest statistic not put on your record.
She has abused the people that she cares for at work too Told me of 2 incidences, squirting shampoo into the eyes of a resident that can't speak and using a whole bottle of chilli sauce in another's meal and laughing while they watch him eat it. It's not just her though, there are a few of them that work there that do it!
This is a very serious allegation. If what you've written there is true (not accusing you of lying, but perhaps she is), then this isn't just about you and her kids, this sounds like it is about really vulnerable people who are being abused by their carers. You have a responsibility to do something about it. And if you don't report this to the police then I think that the people who run this site may even have a responsibility to pass your details onto the police themselves for further investigation.
and you say you love her? you're as screwed up as you say she is....
don't be a wet fish. grow some and get out. think of yourself.
And you think that will help? Idiot.
mintimperial + 1
If your post is correct then she's abusing vulnerable people for fun. That's something which shouldn't be brushed under the carpet.
I only hope that her bragging about the attacks on the people that she cares for is lies or over-exaggeration.
I've been to the police and made the statement. The SS will be notified!
I've spoken to one of my neighbours too and he's going to keep an ear open after I've left.
Whether it brings more turmoil or not, I'm sticking this out. Can't just ignore what I know!
Time to get packing. Just need a new phone and internet connection.
BigJohn you can't just ask the police to take an "arrest statistic" off your record, it will always be there! It really isn't as simple as you have said. As I've already said the nature of domestic incidents is that the victims don't want to prosecute as they are scared/worried/terrified [insert word you feel relevant] they have made the laws easier so that CPS can prosecute the abuser without the victim's consent, people cannot get away with these things, it's completely and utterly wrong and until you start standing up against it then how will they realise what they are doing is wrong and get any help or treatement?
People wouldn't be saying this if it was in relation to prosecuting a bike thief? "oh it will cause grief don't do it" I know they are very different crimes but essentially you are saying don't cause yourself the hassle!
Skoolshoes you will get stronger as time goes on. You can get good internet phones now cheap!
Speaking as someone who's got a close relative in a care home at the moment, you need to get abuse of the vulnerable elderly reported straight away.
In regards to your own situation - get your stuff packed and walk away - you've already stayed too long and your physical wellbeing, and possibly your life, is in danger. If you're really stuck for an alternative place to stay, would it be possible for you to give an idea of your location and see if someone here can put you up for a couple of nights to give you breathing space?
An arrest statistic isn't a criminal record.
Good luck bud. You're doing the right thing.
Well done Skoolshoes, keep the momentum going and don't look back.
All the best to you.
Best wishes Skoolshoes, as everyone says youve done the right thing.
WELL DONE.
Hopefully now the system will take over and she will get treatment,or custody, especially for the diassabled people abuse.
Been an interested but silent reader so far but good on you Skoolshoes. As far as her work goes, it needs reporting too if you haven't already.
That said, bravo and keep strong!
Good luck, you're going to need it. I hope you'll pull through, somehow I'd be feeling awful if I knew a soul from here was gone for good (seems a possibility from your earlier posts).
Ignore us the well-wishing-but-nowt-knowing mass, listen to Munque-chick please!
Where are you about Shoes? It would be nice if some of your local forum dwellers could get you out on the bike/odd beer etc.
Well done Skoolshoes, good for you, you've done the right thing.
I'd offer to put Schoolshoes up myself but given the type of bikes he's posted about for the past seven years I fear that he's one of those guys at the local dirt jumps with jeans around his arse and a sweat-stained, smelly T-shirt. My wife would wrestle him to the ground to get his muddy 5:10s off before he crossed the threshold and he'd be thrown in a cold shower before being lectured on the house being a Sitzpinkler zone. Perhaps more traumatising than what he's just been through. 😉
Well somebody had to lighten it up. All the best in your new life, Schoolshoes.
🙂 No I'm not a dirt jumper, although I used to enjoy it.
This is my only bike now.
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I'm exceptionally clean and tidy too, although my face still looks a bit worse for wear...
I'm in Colchester, and leaving all my stuff at a friends house. Might be able to stay there for 1 night too.
Typical that it's bank holiday tomorrow, going to have to wait until Tuesday to see the council about getting a home.
My sister has said I can stay with her for a short while in Ipswich, as from Tuesday. Only problem being, getting to and from Colchester.
Hopefully won't be too long until I can find a job too, and make new friends 🙂
Good man respect
Been a silent reader so far too Skoolshoes.
Really hope things work out for you. Glad your sister's helping out.
A new start matey. Keep posting. This is when STW is really at its best - good support so far on this thread.
well done mate, you ARE doing the right thing. Remember that.
see that thing about six foot high on the front of the house might have a letter box in the middle.. go and stand on the wet side of it and dont go back in.. be hard faced she was when she dobbed you in to the bussies ( wasnt boithered then about who would be looking after the kids) all easy to say much harder to do but the longer you leave it the harder it becomes and the resons not to pile up so go on walk out and keep going..
pragmatically as you leave, stop all credit debit cards you have joint acess to withdraw 50% from all savings/ investments accounts take your clothes and anything else you can prove is yours get your name off the utility bills and the rent book. if the house is co owned leave but get professional advice immediately.
possesion is everything, you want it take it when you leave otherwise consider it hers.
Good luck, strength and courage to you. I believe you're doing the right thing.
Sorry, not time to read all of this except the OP. I would strongly recommend going to your doctor and getting them to take notes of your injuries as soon as possible, also get someone (not yourself) to take photos of the injuries next to a ruler or something that can show the size and extent of them. They could be the only evidence of you being attacked if she presses charges now or in the future. A photo is better than a fine or jail.
Been a bit tearful for the last 20 minutes or so.
I never wanted this! I know I have to be strong and do what's right, but that doesn't make things any easier.
I think it's the shock of it all kicking in?
Lots of people have been in touch with me, that's helped. Doesn't take the pain away though.
Roll on tomorrow...
Midnighthour, had the photo's taken when I made the statement earlier.
I told them about everything, the kids, the abuse of people at her work and what she's done to me.
Still hard for me to let go of what we had. Might sound a bit sick to some people, but I was with her for 19 months and it gradually got worse. We also had some good times.
Wish I could fast forward a few months.
I would suggest that tomorrow is an excellent day to go ride your bike 🙂
This may be of interest if she calls the police on you again.
http://nightjack2.wordpress.com/2008/07/24/a-survival-guide-for-decent-folk/
The stuff about her abusing people under her care is horrendous, needs reporting to someone definitely. Good luck - make sure you keep your nerve and go through with leaving.
Clearly you have family and friends to go to for help, and you've had the balls to post here and go to the Police but I would suggest, if things feel particularly hard over the next few days/weeks, that you access every bit of help and support available to you.
I suspect that in years to come you'll look back at this moment and realise it was the best decision you ever made...
Your doing the right thing OP. Sounds like she needs this to happen to get some help and get her out of this destructive rut she's in.
Time's a great healer. You'll look back and see this as one chapter you are finishing before a new and better one starts.
Good luck!
Good on you!
I have a female friend who went through a similar thing - she found it incredibly hard to walk out on her partner, but she did eventually, came and stayed with me for a bit until she got her own accommodation sorted. She'd not mind me telling you that she was a teary mess for a bit, but eventually all the bits of her life that felt so broken up started to come together again, both emotionally, and the practical bits like jobs and houses and so on. She's in a really happy place now, with a caring and attentive partner, a career she enjoys and a healthy perspective on a bad time in her life.
Hope that comes swiftly for you as well!
"Clearly you have family and friends to go to for help".
I didn't think I did until recently?
My sister has only been in contact with me over the past year. My friends have only just started coming out of the woodwork.
I've wanted to tell people on here way before now, but always backed out at the last minute through fear of being mocked or misunderstood.
Thanks for the help and support everyone. I'll be back as soon as is possible.
Hope everything works out for you fella. As for being mocked on here,well yes it can seem like a forum full of piss takers but there is a time and a place and this isn't one of them.
More than enough very surprised you have not made your mind up already and for asking STW ?
No one would dare mock about DA (I hope!).
Edukator "An arrest statistic isn't a criminal record." Thanks I'm well aware of that, what I'm saying is AN arrest will on his record. So if I do a PNC check on him it will show up with "NFA" (No further action). It will always sit on the computers and records that police have access to, although NFA's won't prevent jobs etc.
There are ALWASY people out there that will help and support you no matter what. If I lived in Colchester I'd help out but I'm miles away, went to Essex Uni mind and had a great 4 years at Uni there .. excpet that doesn't help you I'm afraid!
you are doing the right thing, it will get worse. Did the police give you any idea what they are planning on doing? Or when they are going to action the information they gave you? You need to know if/when she is going to get arrested so you have support in place for when she is released from custody (charged or not). Come on head up, you're getting closer to getting out of the abusive relationship, you've made th biggest steps, keep taking those small steps forward towards the thousands of agencies that can help you. This is not shameful and you aren't too blame. Now get out on your bike and feel the wind in your face and think of the happier times ahead.
I don't think you would have had all this support if you had posted the pic of the bike earlier.
What on earth's going on with that seatpost? I think you need to get that sorted out first before you start on your personal life.
I stand corrected 🙄
So.... how are things Skoolshoes?
Tell me you've made a clean break.
Higgo he has gone quiet I am hoping it is for all the good right reasons, no internet as moving out etc.
I'm back (for now). Been a real hectic time lately!
I got out on the Monday. Been sofa surfing for what seems like forever.
My head has been a real mess, one minute I feel good and stronger for leaving. The next minute I'm a nervous wreck.
I've been fobbed off from one person to the next, whilst trying to get help.
Waiting for an appointment to be confirmed with a mental health group. They work with you to help you get your self esteem back etc...
As far as I'm aware, the ex has yet to be arrested :-O 9 days and nothing!!!
Can't wait for this period of my life to be over.
If the council help me and do what they've been suggesting, I'll be put in a bed and breakfast out of Colchester.
Fingers crossed...
Stick at it, you'll be right.