Forum menu
Sorry to hear this OP , Your wife is basically my mum. I knew this as a wee boy , irrational over the top behaviour at their friends parties. Coming home and my dad was in his bed and my mum talking pish and falling about the place , weirdly it wasn't until about 15 years ago she addressed the situation and she must have late 50's at the time . She tried everything including hypnotherapy (She was told to visualise an empty house after losing everything). Anyhoo she dosen't drink anymore but it has left its toll. I think it has brought on early dementia , my dad told me the last straw was seeing her drive her grandkids about after tanning vodka disguised by fruity water. I must say I'm proud of her for sorting herself.
Sadly the apple dosen't fall far from the tree and My big Brother died at 48 from bad living . By this I mean basically from about 16 he had kicked the arse out of every substance known to man but ultimately in his last few years bad eating , no exercise , fags , hash ,coke and an enormous amount of red wine and stella finished him.
A grim story I know but I spose my point is in my mums case she sorted herself out knowing that she would lose it all if she didn't. My brother on the other hand had nothing to lose and so there by nothing to gain by fixing himself.
Best of luck I hope things go well.
I have just gone through this
Wow, thanks for sharing.
As an update I have asked my wife to agree to my proposed mediator by the end of the week to kick things into play. No going back for me now..
Well done DJ
As an update I have asked my wife to agree to my proposed mediator by the end of the week to kick things into play. No going back for me now..
Make it clear to her that there is a way back ( assuming you want that) if and only if she stops drinking and that you will support her in that but you have to do this to protect the kids.
Oh - and good luck. this is a nasty path you are on with no good answers.
Good luck. Be prepared for some bad times coming, but it will be worth it in the end - and hopefully she will get better.
It is the unfortunate truth that often with alcoholics that they must hit their own rock bottom before they can get better and they will try to drag you down with them. I look back and try to work out what I could have done differently, but I really can't see how I could have changed anything apart from not letting it affect me so much and trying to fix the problem.
Good luck again. Keep yourself and your kids safe.
K
Reading with interest as a mate is going through this at the moment. Thanks for all those sharing experiences which is helping my understanding of what he's going through.
And best wishes to the OP.
UPDATE
51 weeks after starting the process I have my decree absolute, my own place and for now.. primary carer of our kids.
It was a real tough journey, to say she took it badly was an understatement!
- She befriended my mum and sister and I was accused of coercive control
- She took more capital that I thought fair
- She constantly forced last minute changes on me relating to the kids
- although she mostly gave up the drink, we insisted none in house,there were a handful of occasions where she had clearly relapsed, which resulted in a few very damaging episodes with the kids
- Even now she is saying if I can get them to behave like little angels for her I can become a full time single dad
- The kids have been amazing resilient but wish I could have concluded a move quicker.
Glad to be out of her grasp and having a fresh start 😳
Dammit, that is such good news to hear! Really, really glad to hear that you have the DA and the shitty, legal part of the whole thing done.
The similarities between my divorce and yours are, with the exception of kids part, strong. Well, apart from my ex not even bothering to stop drinking. She too took far more capital than was fair, but as I had assets and she only had debt, she could control the narrative in the mediation.
Just keep saying to yourself that that part of your life is now over. You have your sanity back, you have your kids and your own place. It’s a new chapter for you.
I missed this first time around, congrats on getting through it!
My so-called mother finally pickled herself and we buried her a couple of weeks ago. I'm so glad your kids are away from all the toxicity that comes from having someone in that state in their lives.
Wishing you and the kids all the best.
great news!
Well done for getting through it.
onwards and upwards!
Great news OP. Hope you and your children can get on with the rest of your lives.
I also wish all the best to your ex that she can conquer her alcoholism but from your posts it doesn't sound like she wants to stop drinking. Real shame.
From a mate who recently (a few months) started with AA:
There's a post on single track about a bloke leaving his wife cos she's an alcoholic. Please can you post on my behalf and tell him to strongly suggest she goes to one AA meeting. She probably doesn't accept that she's an alcy and shouting and demanding from her won't help. She'll realise within a minute of her first meeting she's got a serious problem.
He is sober for months, and is much less of a **** now. It’s working for him and he was the last person I thought would go or give up drinking but he has.
Mate you’re awesome, I’m really proud of you.
I suppose it depends if you still love her or not. Don't get any sense you do from your posts.
Don’t get any sense you do from your posts.
Especially the one that say they are divorced, yeah?!
Read the first couple of pages before i posted. Congratulations to the OP.
Out of curiosity, would someone (female) shifting a 1.5 litre box of wine and ~half a bottle of gin on their own over 3 nights be considered a lot? A friend seems to be shifting about that much most weekends.
I don't drink and haven't for a number of years (violent and abusive alcoholic brother put me right off) so I don't really know much about it.
– The kids have been amazing resilient but wish I could have concluded a move quicker.
your kids sound like they (and you as well) are in a happier place - well done OP
That's about 36 units of alcohol. IIRC the recommended limit is 14 per week for women.
If this person is 24 years old, clubbing with their friends every weekend, then it's quite a lot but doesn't necessarily point to problem territory IMO. Many of us have been through that phase.
If they're 44 and are spending the weekend knocking back G&T and wine on the sofa watching Love Island then yeah I'd be a bit concerned. Not just for the consumption alone - it could point to depression, or other personal issues that are causing them to want to escape.